Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sometimes "normal" is just too hard...

Today was a good day. Today I went dress shopping with my sister, two of her bridesmaids and my mom and my sis's future MIL. My sister recently got engaged to our intern pastor at our church. They have been dating since this past March. They are getting married Easter weekend 2011. I am beyond thrilled for her. Our bridesmaids dresses are super cute. Cotton with POCKETS *yippee* and extremely cute that I will TOTALLY wear again :) All I could think was well I HOPE I am pregnant by then but how does one know how to plan for that when I have to buy a dress in the next month? Geesh. My sister's dress by the way is also gorgeous. I was pleasantly surprised by the size I fit into. I grabbed a 24 because I'm like sizes probably run small. Tried it on - I was swimming in that thing! So 22 - same thing. So I figured a 20, my mom brings back a 20 and a 18 and I was like oh no the 18 will be too small this is what I wanted to avoid. I wanted to avoid feeling fat. I didn't want that, not today. But.... IT FIT! The 18 fit! I was shocked. Now mind you if I were to get pregnant a month or two from now THEN by April it would not fit.... but there is also the dilemma of if I DON'T get pregnant and keep losing 7-10 lbs. a month I will be significantly smaller in 5 months.... what to do.

Moving on... we ate at Olive Garden after we were done dress shopping. Went to use the bathroom. Out comes a hugely pregnant woman. UGH! Standing waiting for a table five minutes later ANOTHER hugely pregnant woman. I make the comment (not obnoxiously - just to my sis and two friends) "if I see another pregnant woman I am going to scream" my one friend says "huh, tell me about it!" and I was like no it's not the same thing you WANT to get pregnant but I have had two miscarriages it's not the same thing. And no one said anything.... people don't get it.

It's not even a bad night per se. I just wish I didn't have to look back on my day and go. Hmmm do people think I am selfish for mentioning my baby struggles? And I sit around sometimes and think --- are these people sick of hearing about my babies? Sick of hearing about my sadness? Do they hate me reminding them that it happened? Do they wish I just shut up and ACTED normal? Sometimes "normal" is too hard.... sometimes I don't know what normal is anymore. I mean I surely don't know what my NEW "normal" is....

I wish it was all easier... like those staple commercials like there was an EASY button. That if I pushed that button suddenly the world would understand what it feels like... what emotions all us BLMs go through. That people would finally GET IT! Now that wouldn't make everything all better. Nothing will make everything all better. But at least I wouldn't think I was being judged by everyone because no one would ever judge someone if they really knew what this was like. If they truly honestly understood what I was feeling... unless they were heartless - maybe then they would still judge. I'd like to hook people up to that machine in the movie the Matrix and instead of teaching someone a skill I would like to show them what this pain felt like. I don't think that's cruel really. I mean it's not like I want something bad to happen to them. But it would be interesting to go through this when everyone understood. Different, I don't know if it would be better, but definitely different. Is different better I don't know but I'm definitely more different than normal that is for sure...

"Some people wear their smiles like a disguise thoses people who smile alot watch their eyes I know cause I'm like that alot you think everythings ok and it is till its not."

I received my candle made by Michelle at "Audrey's Little Light" I won in her Faces of Hope giveaway. Here are a couple pictures :) It is beautiful and I love it! My brilliant husband had a wonderful idea too! We can burn it until it goes down an inch or two and then there will be room to put a tea light in there so that we can always burn it and keep it looking great! :) AWESOME idea!

"You won't see me surrender, you won't hear me confess, 'cause you left me with nothing, but I've worked with less..."

"Whenever I say something they find hard to hear, they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear."

"Taken out of context I must seem so strange."

"And I`m beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head. `Cuz some day you are gonna get hungry and eat most of the words you just said."

“I've been a long time coming, and I'll be a long time gone. You've got your whole life to do something, and that's not very long.”

“I know there is strength in the differences between us. I know there is comfort where we overlap.”

“When I look down, I miss all the good stuff when I look up, I just trip over things”

“The windows of my soul are made of one-way glass, don't bother looking into my eyes if there's something you want to know, just ask”

“Take me home. Take me home and leave me there. Think I'm gonna cry, don't know why. Think I'm gonna sing myself a lullaby. Feel free to listen. Feel free to stare.”

All the above quotes are by Ani Difranco so singer from Buffalo who I really like....     

Riley and Peyton I love you. I'll be singing at church for you tomorrow my sweet babies. I hope you can hear me. Momma and Daddy miss you so very much.


  1. Jess,
    I love those quotes you posted. They are so true. I, like you, wish that other people would "get" what we are going through. You are doing such a great job at losing weight. I am so proud of you. All I can seem to do is gain weight and not for the reason I would like to. It is so frustrating! No baby, but I still have extra weight. Maybe someday. *sigh* I hope you are able to have your rainbow really soon and that you will need a bigger dress for a really great reason. I just want you to know that we (readers of your blog) never tire of you talking about your precious babies. We love them too!

  2. Your candle turned out so beautifully! ♥ thinking of you and your sweet angels.

  3. The candles are so beautiful!!!

  4. Visiting from ICWL. I know that feeling of wanting to talk about loss and knowing people have a statute of limitations on how much they are willing to hear. I can't imagine how hard that must be to have to see pregnant women at every turn. I sure do hope you have one of your very own soon.

  5. That candle is so beautiful! I didn't see those pictures on this post yesterday. Am I really that blind or did you add them after you originally posted this? Well, either way, that is a beautiful candle. I LOVE the dove! It is so perfect for Riley and Peyton.

  6. That candle is beautiful. And I know so well what you mean. Even being pregnant again, I still have a lot of those feelings about other pregnant women. I guess it's because I know for most it comes so easy. And then there are those of us who suffer so much in the process...

    Sending hugs.

  7. That candle is beautiful! Just like you and your Riley and Peyton! And what a great idea your hubby gave you about the tealights in the top! When I buy one from Michelle, I will certainly do the same thing!!

    (((hugz))) friend!

    ps. I'm about to nominate you for something on my blog... check it out later. :-))

  8. You're not crazy Mary I added them later LOL

  9. I am so sorry to hear of your losses. Thank you for yours sweet comments on my blog.


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