Happy ICLW

Hello to those stopping by for ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week - see the button in my right column) and of course to my fabulous loyal readers :)
Those visiting: I have two other blogs related to baby loss. Heaven's Doves where I make photos for baby loss survivors and Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art - where I make memorial art for baby loss parents. 

I mentioned my Christmas ornaments a couple posts ago. You can now view the various choices HERE and fill out the order form HERE. I hope to be offering pre-painted ones that can be purchased as they are and/or have an added name/date customization :)

For those dropping in I am a mother to two angels. Riley we lost at 6-7 weeks on 2/11/10 and Peyton we lost at 10+ weeks on 8/19/10 three days after seeing the heartbeat for the third time. Far too much loss for a lifetime let alone within 6 months! I have gone to a specialist and supposedly I am "normal" and they can find no cause for why I would be having miscarriages. But I think it's rather obvious I am not normal - this isn't a NORMAL thing to happen. I'm so sick of the world normal (check out yesterday's post for more on that).

I sang "Unredeemed" by Selah today with a friend at church. It went well. And unlike when I sang "I will carry you" (also Selah) I did not have to leave the sanctuary and ball my eyes out. Oh the difference a month and a half can make. WELL honestly I think if I were to ever sing "I will carry you again" it would make me cry. It's  literally ABOUT child loss so it's a bit different then "unredeemed" - I will post the recording with lyrics as soon as my friend makes it for me :)

My hair stylist told me the other day that when I did weight watcher's a few years ago I lost weight too quick and looked anorexic. I have NEVER looked anorexic a day in my life. Who looks anorexic at 170 lbs.? I didn't trust me. I have never been the skinny girl. Never been the pretty girl. I was always every guys friend. I was always just one of the guys. I was okay with that I guess but I always wanted to be pretty you know? I always wished that when I looked in the mirror I would one day see who I wanted to be smiling back. But maybe that is not meant to be... or maybe it will happen one day. I am not saying I have this warped view of myself and think I am incredibly ugly. I don't. There are pictures I like. But nowadays there are not many. If any at all. I see pictures and think I look far heavier than the 250 lbs. I do weigh. It would be bad enough if I looked like I weighed 250 but more than that is just disheartening. I am working at it again. But it's not easy.

weird angle but shows whole tattoo

Another thing was I was thinking again about how I had the comment about how my tattoo (for Riley & Peyton) will show while I am wearing my bridesmaids dress for my sister's wedding. I had it BEFORE she got engaged but she hates tattoos so she is not happy. Someone mentioned I could cover it up. Well I hope that she doesn't ask me that because it's on my SHOULDER. It won't be in pictures. It won't hurt anything. It's not a big deal! That is my permanent way of showing my love for my babies. I am not "covering up" my tattoo to show how much I love Riley & Peyton. I understand covering it up when I teach but not for a wedding. I hope she understands that because it will not be covered. The thought of even being asked hurts my feelings.

better angle - just wings

All I can think is that 2011 has to be better than 2010. Right? Well... my  biggest fear is that it may be worse. Isn't the saying "it could always be worse"? I don't want to even imagine worse. I don't want to ever have to handle worse. I want children. I love my sweet Riley & Peyton but I want children in my arms on Earth too. I want to be exhausted and have puke stained clothes.... I want it all if it means I get babies. My specialist warned me the fertility drug he is placing me on has a risk of multiples. I'm like really doctor bring it on - that would not make me mad in the least. I just pray the third times a charm and I can keep whatever babies I am blessed with this third time. When that third time happens I hope they can figure out how to keep it all going smoothly.



<3 Momma loves you Riley & Peyton <3