Sunday, November 21, 2010

Happy ICLW

Hello to those stopping by for ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week - see the button in my right column) and of course to my fabulous loyal readers :)
Those visiting: I have two other blogs related to baby loss. Heaven's Doves where I make photos for baby loss survivors and Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art - where I make memorial art for baby loss parents. 

I mentioned my Christmas ornaments a couple posts ago. You can now view the various choices HERE and fill out the order form HERE. I hope to be offering pre-painted ones that can be purchased as they are and/or have an added name/date customization :)

For those dropping in I am a mother to two angels. Riley we lost at 6-7 weeks on 2/11/10 and Peyton we lost at 10+ weeks on 8/19/10 three days after seeing the heartbeat for the third time. Far too much loss for a lifetime let alone within 6 months! I have gone to a specialist and supposedly I am "normal" and they can find no cause for why I would be having miscarriages. But I think it's rather obvious I am not normal - this isn't a NORMAL thing to happen. I'm so sick of the world normal (check out yesterday's post for more on that).

I sang "Unredeemed" by Selah today with a friend at church. It went well. And unlike when I sang "I will carry you" (also Selah) I did not have to leave the sanctuary and ball my eyes out. Oh the difference a month and a half can make. WELL honestly I think if I were to ever sing "I will carry you again" it would make me cry. It's  literally ABOUT child loss so it's a bit different then "unredeemed" - I will post the recording with lyrics as soon as my friend makes it for me :)

My hair stylist told me the other day that when I did weight watcher's a few years ago I lost weight too quick and looked anorexic. I have NEVER looked anorexic a day in my life. Who looks anorexic at 170 lbs.? I didn't trust me. I have never been the skinny girl. Never been the pretty girl. I was always every guys friend. I was always just one of the guys. I was okay with that I guess but I always wanted to be pretty you know? I always wished that when I looked in the mirror I would one day see who I wanted to be smiling back. But maybe that is not meant to be... or maybe it will happen one day. I am not saying I have this warped view of myself and think I am incredibly ugly. I don't. There are pictures I like. But nowadays there are not many. If any at all. I see pictures and think I look far heavier than the 250 lbs. I do weigh. It would be bad enough if I looked like I weighed 250 but more than that is just disheartening. I am working at it again. But it's not easy.

weird angle but shows whole tattoo
Another thing was I was thinking again about how I had the comment about how my tattoo (for Riley & Peyton) will show while I am wearing my bridesmaids dress for my sister's wedding. I had it BEFORE she got engaged but she hates tattoos so she is not happy. Someone mentioned I could cover it up. Well I hope that she doesn't ask me that because it's on my SHOULDER. It won't be in pictures. It won't hurt anything. It's not a big deal! That is my permanent way of showing my love for my babies. I am not "covering up" my tattoo to show how much I love Riley & Peyton. I understand covering it up when I teach but not for a wedding. I hope she understands that because it will not be covered. The thought of even being asked hurts my feelings.

better angle - just wings
All I can think is that 2011 has to be better than 2010. Right? Well... my  biggest fear is that it may be worse. Isn't the saying "it could always be worse"? I don't want to even imagine worse. I don't want to ever have to handle worse. I want children. I love my sweet Riley & Peyton but I want children in my arms on Earth too. I want to be exhausted and have puke stained clothes.... I want it all if it means I get babies. My specialist warned me the fertility drug he is placing me on has a risk of multiples. I'm like really doctor bring it on - that would not make me mad in the least. I just pray the third times a charm and I can keep whatever babies I am blessed with this third time. When that third time happens I hope they can figure out how to keep it all going smoothly.

<3 Momma loves you Riley & Peyton <3


  1. You are beautiful, my friend!!! Did you see my post today? ;-)

    Jessica, this month before I knew I was prego I prayed some powerful scripture. Can I share it with you so you can pray it too! Believe my friend - I KNOW your rainbow baby is around the corner!!!

    JOHN 16:23-24 NKJ
    23 "And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you.
    24 "Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

    MARK 11:24 NKJ
    24 "Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.

    MATTHEW 18:19 NKJ
    19 "Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.

    Let me be the first to agree with you in prayer for your rainbow baby!


  2. Your tatoo should DEFINITELY NOT be covered up. I 100% agree with you on that. You shouldn't even be asked that. Besides, if it is showing then Riley and Peyton can be part of the wedding too. I think that would be sweet. I am sure that eventhough your sister doesn't like tatoos, she will understand and will NOT ask you to cover it. After all, she is Riley and peyton's auntie:)

  3. Thank you for stopping by my blog for ICLW. I am so sorry to hear of your losses, no one should have to go through this. I think your tattoo is beautiful and you shouldn't have to cover it up, I hope your sister agrees.

  4. (((HUGS))) to you. I can relate to your post all too well.

  5. Thanks for visiting my blog. Your story is so heartbreaking...

    I too think your tattoo is beautiful and that you shouldn't have to hide it.

  6. I also wanted to send some {hugs} as I am a baby loss mommy too. ♥

  7. Here from ICLW :) Praying for you and your angels, as well your next IVF attempt. I have a couple tattoos which are very meaningful to me on my back and my parents are always annoyed when I have been in weddings and the whatnot because my tattoos show. I'm grateful that my friends also have a few tattoos and don't care about such things. I'm hoping your sister respects your losses and doesn't make to cover it. Sending you hugs and sticky baby dust.


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