Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My journey...

First of all I found it rather odd that today I had two additions to Heaven's Doves today (that you can view HERE) that had heaven dates that were the same exact day - August 18th. The difference was that the years were 18 years apart. But still..... really odd they were both sent within almost 1 hour and 59 minutes of each other. Goes to show that even 18 years later our angels mean just as much to us. Also another dove I added today - one of the babies original due dates was the same as Riley - 9/27/10....So much loss... so sad. I did the math the other day if 2,000 babies die per day then that equals 730,000 a year! That's awful :(

This picture is ALL the doves I have made so far....


As my loyal reader know my husband and I did the 18th Annual Walk to Remember in my area. After the walk I entered a submission into their newsletter - an article and a forget-me-not mention of Riley & Peyton. I received it in the mail today. I figured it would be nice to post it on my blog. Here is a link to the newsletter which can be read online :) (although gladly I have one as a keepsake)...

You will notice that we are also one of 2 families that collected over $400 dollars in donations :)
On page 7 you will see our Forget-Me-Not for Riley & Peyton...
My article starts on pg. 5 and continues on page 10 but the entire thing is below...

My Grief Journey

This year my husband and I have experienced two losses. I found out I miscarried my first child, Riley, on Feb. 11, 2010. I then found out I miscarried my second child, Peyton, on August 19, 2010. I had lost both of my children in a little over 6 months. My husband and I were devastated. We were at a total and complete loss as to why this was happening, why this was our lives. Why us?

Of course I have no magical answers for you, I never will. I have a lot of faith, I believe that is the only reason I have survived this horrendous year. I believe the cliches that “everything happens for a reason” and “our babies are in heaven” but contrary to popular belief it does not make me feel better. While I believe those things and while I am at peace that Riley and Peyton are together in heaven and will never feel pain I am not “happy” about this. I have met some absolutely fabulous women in the BLM (baby loss momma) blogging community but (as many of us have admitted) if given the choice we would want our babies. If we could we would choose to have our babies back and never have met each other. Never have gone on this grief journey. We would choose to stay naive, thinking we would never lose a child, because things like that don't happen to us they happen to “other people”. I joined the other people. I joined the statistic. I have now lost both my children. Do we know why? No. Will we ever? Maybe not on Earth. Have I given up hope? NOT A CHANCE!

Losing Riley & Peyton has made me a very strong women. This is not to say I would have ever considered myself “weak” but I never would have imagined I could survive losing a child, let alone two. I have always been emotional. I would most likely cry at any wedding or funeral whether I know anyone there or not. If I did not have faith in God I honestly think I would be half gone by now. Off my rocker with a step towards the crazy house. I thank God every day that I am alive. That we can try again and we pray that we will have brothers and sisters for Riley & Peyton here on Earth. Little ones that we can raise and tell them about their angel siblings in heaven.

I have found a HUGE comfort in my faith but also in the wonderful women that have blogs (as I do) that write about their grief, their journey through losing their child (or children). They have been a blessing through this difficult time. I hope that my blog has helped others who have lost a child the way these ladies' blogs have helped me and continue to help me. Through these blogs I learned many things one of which is that October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I never knew that before. Miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss.... talking about losing a child is very taboo in our society. People don't want to talk about it and some think that it is not that big of a deal. They could not be more wrong. But I think all of us that have lost a child would agree that those who have been through it can understand it a bit more than those who have not. The blog community of women I have become a part of is amazing! The 18th annual Walk to Remember was also amazing... and of course as all things baby loss related was very sad. Sad to see so many people in my tiny corner of the world that all lost a child, in some cases many more than one child. It was an amazing experience filled with many tears and it made me realize we are not alone, even in our corner of the world many are effected by this tragedy. I'm sure we all never would have thought this would be our lives... but it is. I sat there before the walk watching many people with their children and thought “I hope I have children that walk on this Earth one day”. When we did the walk we stopped at our sign for Riley & Peyton and decorated it. When we finished and continued the walk I looked at all the signs. Some contained many names some had one name. But one loss is no less sad than any other amount. However, I found myself saying “Lord I pray the names on our sign don't increase in the coming years. Please say that won't be us.” but of course, I have no way of knowing my future. No way of knowing how my journey will continue, how it will one day end. Thus is life. I took many many pictures and came home and made a digital scrapbook for my blog. I am proud that we did the walk in memory of our only two children. Forever in heaven. I pray that one day we will take our children to the walk and they can write messages to Riley & Peyton and tell them how much they love them. Explain to them they have two siblings that they will meet one day in heaven.

If you are interested I create custom pictures for those who have lost a child on my blog called Heaven's Doves. There is a form to fill out on the site and once you do I try to create the photo as quickly as possible for you to save on your computer, add to your face book, whatever you would like to do. It will be emailed to you and posted in my dove gallery on my blog. This is completely free of charge I just know those who have lost a child love to see their babies names as I do. This is just to bring a bit of peace to you if even for a moment. The site is www.heavensdoves.blogspot.com. On there you can also see links to my other blogs including my personal one. I wish you all peace on this journey and I pray that we all carry on the memory of our babies our entire lives.

Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy will always miss you... today, tomorrow and every day until we meet you in Heaven. Time will not take away our love. It will always be there. You will always be there....in our hearts. From now until eternity - we love you angels!


  1. Thanks for sharing this Jessica. Good job on raising over $400.00. And I'm glad you wrote out Riley and Payton's stories. It is important to remember our babies and connect with each other.

  2. What a thoughtful post! I'm so proud of you that you raised so much money for the walk. Riley & Peyton are proud of you, I know. I rely on my faith in God, too - don't know where I would be without it. xoxoxo


Copyright ©2011 Small Bird Studios| All Rights Reserved |Free Blog Templates at Small Bird Studios