Wednesday, November 24, 2010


I feel as though I am at an impasse (definition: a situation that is so difficult no progress can get made or a road or passage having no exit). I was so easily upset today over a rather simple thing. But to be honest it meant something to ME! Should I take it so hard, should I take it so personal? No. Am I? Yes, of course, what don't I take personally lately?
Even worse I feel like if I explain the situation to anyone I know they will write it off as nothing. People don't GET the irrational nature of the emotions flowing through my body. I thought recently that I had been doing well lately. You know what I had been doing well. But as the hours pass by and the moments add up I realize how badly I needed to cry. To just sob uncontrollably. Was this stupid incident the main reason? Of course not. There are plenty and plenty of REASONS I broke down. Those little annoyances, you know the kind I mean? Well they add up. You know how when you were a kid and you would see piles of presents under the tree. Well I have a freaking pile of annoyances! For that past couple months they have just been building.

I wish I had a padded sound proof room. It doesn't need to be big. I just would love an area to go into and literally SCREAM and punch and kick... oh that would be so so so nice. I took my blog OFF of networking on Facebook. I'm SO sick of not being able to say what I really need to say because I am worried someone there may read it. Well if you are reading this and you know me in real life I hope and pray that you would not take anything personally. I HIGHLY doubt that many (if any) people from Facebook will take the time to look up the site and read my posts. Which is fine. I would rather they didn't. This blog is not for other people. It is not to help others understand the mind of a crazy emotion filled BLM. It is to help ME (the crazy emotion filled BLM). I did not start this blog to keep family and friends up to date on my struggles. Quite honestly I was proud of my ability to be so raw with my emotions. So truthful with my words. That was why I put it on there. But in retrospect. I think raw honesty about such pain makes other uncomfortable. I'm not here to make others uncomfortable. As a BLM I have enough of those moments myself. 

So if you know me in real life and you are choosing to read this then please stop reading if my blog makes you sad or uncomfortable. 

As I said this is for me. This community of BLMs has helped me more than any person (who is not a BLM) could EVER understand. We can relate to each others pain. We don't feel bad for venting to each other. We are there for each other with (virtual) hugs and encouragement. I wish I knew you all in real life. I said to another BLM today that I wish we all had a SAFE area. Where we could go when we needed each other. For instance one of you could just *POOF* show up and give me a hug and cray with me - if even for a minute. Other than maybe my husband I would never feel comfortable crying and talking about my pain with anyone. 

I don't want people to look at me like a glass that could be easily broken. While I AM like a glass I don't want to be viewed or treated with fake delicacy nor do I want to be judged for being delicate. I have my days where I wake up and feel strong and then I have my days where I mask my feelings with a strong facade. Nonetheless this blog is my safe zone. My area for me. I am so glad I have met so many wonderful BLMs through it. It doesn't bother me that people I know in real life read it but I just hope those that do never take offense to my words. Imagine if you typed out exactly how you were feeling. You may say things others don't fully like or understand too! 

Anyways.... everything kinda came at me today. The past 2 months or so these annoying moments have just been building up. I am sure over time I wrote about each of them in a blog when they happened. However when the people that upset you don't "get" that what they said or did was upsetting you can't adequately explain it to them so then it really just seems like that situation just sticks around because how do you "get over" something that you can't fix. Kinda like baby loss. You can't get over it because it's not a problem that can be solved. I should have a post "crap that makes me mad" LOL that would be a fun one! 

So basically this is at least the 3rd time that I have gotten extremely upset in regards to this situation. So this is my impasse. This is a group of people that made me mad are meant to be understanding and helpful (I'm not mad at any BLMs just to make that clear because they are also understanding and helpful) and  honestly they have only come off as cold, controlling, and completely uncaring since we lost Peyton. Some of these people I have known for YEARS and to realize the lack of caring involved in specifically ONE of the situations! This is also not family (just to make that clear). Sorry to be vague but there is the chance that someone could read this and I have gotten "calls" in regards to one of the situations and I in no way want any more calls or counseling or any such thing. 

In lieu of a whole post named things that annoy me - here are a few I can think of. 

* wanting to start a support group and being told that one on one works better. Well if I KNEW people who experienced baby loss I would talk to them but most don't walk up to strangers and admit such a thing.

* People telling me I should be "happy" my babies are in Heaven
* People saying (who have NEVER gone through this) that the pain will "get better in time"
* The lady who blew up balloons for Riley's balloon release telling me that she had lost "3 or 4 or something like that but you'll have more and you'll be fine" - wow NOW I feel better
* My friend saying she understood when I said I wanted to scream if I see one more pregnant woman (she is TTC and has NEVER lost a child)
* People saying "you can still have more children" 
* and so so many more things

May I say that as I went to post this I was watching my DVR'd Ellen episode (11/24) and she showed clips from when she had celebrities go out and do hilarious pranks on people - it made me laugh so hard. So at least I can end this with a smile :) 

If you made it through the whole post thank you SO much! :0)

Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you so much!


  1. Jessica,

    I can TOTALLY understand about the facebook thing. It wasn't long before I stopped sharing my posts on facebook. People - my relatives and those that aren't a BLM - just can't understand my emotions and why I haven't "moved on." errr

    Anyway, I wish you lived near Georgia - do you? - I'd try to plan a trip to see you and give you a real hug instead of a virtual one ;-)

    You vent away girlfriend - I'll read it and feel ya, give ya an AMEN! - that's what BLM blog friend is for!


  2. It is truly sad that those that are not a part of the baby loss community don't have a clue on how to treat us. I rarely share my loss of our precious Micah with anyone other than BLMs because they just don't get it. They say stupid things like "Well, at least it was early." or "You do have six children so you don't need more." I seriously just want to slap them and let them know that it doesn't matter if I was seven weeks pregnant or if my child was 1,5,10,20 or 40 years old or if it was my first, seventh or seventeenth child; it is still my child and my child matters to me!! I love my child and my heart aches every day knowing that I will never hold my child as long as I live. I wish I could make them grasp that, but I can't. Sorry for the super long comment, but I totally understand. You know we are always here for you and we would love to just *POOF* show up and give you a hug and cry with you and thank fully we know you are here for us and would do the same for us in a heartbeat. I hate the reason that we were all brought together, but I treasure each and every friendship losing Micah has brought me. Those friendships are priceless!! Thank you for being one of those special friends. You and your precious babies are so special to me. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. I'm sorry that things are making you feel this way - I do understand. I've been really depressed myself, and look how long Meredith has been gone. Baby loss is something you never get over - I think the holidays make the feelings stronger. (((HUGS)))

  4. I am sorry that you feel like you aren't being supported by your "real life" friends. It is so difficult to make people understand the pain that we go through on a daily basis and I don't think that they ever truly do. I hope that venting helped you to feel a little bit better and get these things that are bothering you off your chest. Feel free to vent anytime, that is what we are all here for! Sending hugs to you this Thanksgiving.

  5. So sorry. These people are so ridiculous. They have NO idea!! Im sorry you have to go through this. Im here to listen if you need to vent.

  6. Hi Jessica!! I'm sorry to hear about all the ridiculous people that dp that have any idea about blm (world). I know all to well how frustrating that could be!!! If need be VENT VENT VENT! I wish I could join you in that room of kicking and screaming abd breaking things!!
    Love lots!! Try to enjoy you Thanksgiving!

  7. Here from ICLW. I've been in the same sort of situation with people saying/doing things (or even just ignoring my pregnancy losses, which is horrible in its own way).

    I hope you feel better having written everything out, writing stuff down helped me when I was feeling really low.

  8. Non BLMs just really can't relate to us at all. They can certainly try but they'll never really know. And some are just ridiculous.

  9. I'm lucky that I don't have to worry about one in my real life cares enough to read my blog! lol
    It is true though, they will never truly get it and shouldn't be offended by what you write in your space about your babies and your loss.

  10. I could use a padded room like that some days too. =) It is hard to know who to share your blog with in "real life." Even the people who really try to get it have a hard time grasping what we BLM's deal with on a daily basis. I am so glad you have your blog and are allowing yourself to keep it YOURS and write what makes YOU heal. That is what is most important. I wish I could be there to give you a real hug, but a virtual one will have to do. ((hugs))

  11. Here from ICLW. Thanks for stopping by. I'm so incredibly sorry for your losses. I understand the feelings that sometimes things just become so emotional. "Rational" people who don't understand seem to think that I shouldn't react that way. But, I just can't help it. It's hard because some days I think I should just be "normal" and sometimes I cant imagine being normal again.

  12. My Sweet Jess...oh big BIG ((((HUGS))))
    I totally get you & wish people would not speak so openly of what they don't know. I'm so sorry that you, me, & every other BLM out there has to hear such unfeeling foolish talk. I often feel like you but I figured I just won't shut up & if you don't wanna hear about my children well then you don't hafta listen. But as far as the intimate pain, I only share that with friends I know who are safe & my BLM family. I'm always here to listen & pray you through. <3

  13. I'm am sorry that you are in so much pain. I wish for you that safe place to grieve, and I wish you peace.

  14. Sorry I'm so late in responding. My RSS is jacked up or's not showing your updated blog posts as you make them. Weird.

    Sorry you've had such a rough time, especially with your RL friends. It can be so frustrating some times! I feel you on nearly all of which is listed under things that annoy you. Hugs! Peoples' comments (esp. by those that don't know the pain) can really dig deep down -- much further than they realize. I had one friend tell me (continually) that she'll pray for me as long as I need it. I didn't know that there comes a time when I won't need it anymore? Comments like that have made me not want to bother with FB. It just gets frustrating. I don't blame you for not posting your blog updates on FB anymore.

    Ok, it's late and I'm probably not making sense...but I wanted to let you know that I completely get what you're saying. Lots of hugs heading your way!!!


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