Impasse

I feel as though I am at an impasse (definition: a situation that is so difficult no progress can get made or a road or passage having no exit). I was so easily upset today over a rather simple thing. But to be honest it meant something to ME! Should I take it so hard, should I take it so personal? No. Am I? Yes, of course, what don't I take personally lately?
Even worse I feel like if I explain the situation to anyone I know they will write it off as nothing. People don't GET the irrational nature of the emotions flowing through my body. I thought recently that I had been doing well lately. You know what I had been doing well. But as the hours pass by and the moments add up I realize how badly I needed to cry. To just sob uncontrollably. Was this stupid incident the main reason? Of course not. There are plenty and plenty of REASONS I broke down. Those little annoyances, you know the kind I mean? Well they add up. You know how when you were a kid and you would see piles of presents under the tree. Well I have a freaking pile of annoyances! For that past couple months they have just been building.

I wish I had a padded sound proof room. It doesn't need to be big. I just would love an area to go into and literally SCREAM and punch and kick... oh that would be so so so nice. I took my blog OFF of networking on Facebook. I'm SO sick of not being able to say what I really need to say because I am worried someone there may read it. Well if you are reading this and you know me in real life I hope and pray that you would not take anything personally. I HIGHLY doubt that many (if any) people from Facebook will take the time to look up the site and read my posts. Which is fine. I would rather they didn't. This blog is not for other people. It is not to help others understand the mind of a crazy emotion filled BLM. It is to help ME (the crazy emotion filled BLM). I did not start this blog to keep family and friends up to date on my struggles. Quite honestly I was proud of my ability to be so raw with my emotions. So truthful with my words. That was why I put it on there. But in retrospect. I think raw honesty about such pain makes other uncomfortable. I'm not here to make others uncomfortable. As a BLM I have enough of those moments myself. 

So if you know me in real life and you are choosing to read this then please stop reading if my blog makes you sad or uncomfortable. 

As I said this is for me. This community of BLMs has helped me more than any person (who is not a BLM) could EVER understand. We can relate to each others pain. We don't feel bad for venting to each other. We are there for each other with (virtual) hugs and encouragement. I wish I knew you all in real life. I said to another BLM today that I wish we all had a SAFE area. Where we could go when we needed each other. For instance one of you could just *POOF* show up and give me a hug and cray with me - if even for a minute. Other than maybe my husband I would never feel comfortable crying and talking about my pain with anyone. 

I don't want people to look at me like a glass that could be easily broken. While I AM like a glass I don't want to be viewed or treated with fake delicacy nor do I want to be judged for being delicate. I have my days where I wake up and feel strong and then I have my days where I mask my feelings with a strong facade. Nonetheless this blog is my safe zone. My area for me. I am so glad I have met so many wonderful BLMs through it. It doesn't bother me that people I know in real life read it but I just hope those that do never take offense to my words. Imagine if you typed out exactly how you were feeling. You may say things others don't fully like or understand too! 

Anyways.... everything kinda came at me today. The past 2 months or so these annoying moments have just been building up. I am sure over time I wrote about each of them in a blog when they happened. However when the people that upset you don't "get" that what they said or did was upsetting you can't adequately explain it to them so then it really just seems like that situation just sticks around because how do you "get over" something that you can't fix. Kinda like baby loss. You can't get over it because it's not a problem that can be solved. I should have a post "crap that makes me mad" LOL that would be a fun one! 

So basically this is at least the 3rd time that I have gotten extremely upset in regards to this situation. So this is my impasse. This is a group of people that made me mad are meant to be understanding and helpful (I'm not mad at any BLMs just to make that clear because they are also understanding and helpful) and  honestly they have only come off as cold, controlling, and completely uncaring since we lost Peyton. Some of these people I have known for YEARS and to realize the lack of caring involved in specifically ONE of the situations! This is also not family (just to make that clear). Sorry to be vague but there is the chance that someone could read this and I have gotten "calls" in regards to one of the situations and I in no way want any more calls or counseling or any such thing. 

In lieu of a whole post named things that annoy me - here are a few I can think of. 

* wanting to start a support group and being told that one on one works better. Well if I KNEW people who experienced baby loss I would talk to them but most don't walk up to strangers and admit such a thing.
* People telling me I should be "happy" my babies are in Heaven
* People saying (who have NEVER gone through this) that the pain will "get better in time"
* The lady who blew up balloons for Riley's balloon release telling me that she had lost "3 or 4 or something like that but you'll have more and you'll be fine" - wow NOW I feel better
* My friend saying she understood when I said I wanted to scream if I see one more pregnant woman (she is TTC and has NEVER lost a child)
* People saying "you can still have more children" 
* and so so many more things


May I say that as I went to post this I was watching my DVR'd Ellen episode (11/24) and she showed clips from when she had celebrities go out and do hilarious pranks on people - it made me laugh so hard. So at least I can end this with a smile :) 


If you made it through the whole post thank you SO much! :0)



Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you so much!