a hard journey....

Be warned - this is a long one - but it tells a lot about me - so I would love it if you read it....

I wasn't even planning on blogging tonight (shocking I know!), I actually went to bed the same time as my husband. I have had a headache pretty much from the time I woke up. Fabulous AF has returned for the first time since my D & C and I feel like crap. My body feels like it's falling apart, like it's waging a war. I'm crampy and my head hurts and I'm tired yet when I laid down I could not fall asleep.... so I decided to read "I will carry you" by Angie Smith which I started a couple weeks ago after buying it at a Selah concert. I finished it tonight it is an amazing, amazing book! I highly recommend this book to ANY and EVERY baby loss momma. Angie is so heartfelt and honest about her entire grief journey. She shares about her faith and her struggle with it at times while suffering the loss of her daughter Audry. If you have read my blog previously you have read and/or heard about me singing the song "I will carry you" by Selah this is also title Audry's song - it is about their daughter. About carrying her even after they knew she would not live. It is an amazing song. An amazing book.

I have felt a bit numb today. It's surreal how I can be in such pain and disbelief and yet the world still turns, the seasons still change, life carries on. I carry on too, a changed woman. I will never be the same person I was before losing Riley and Peyton. I am forever changed. No matter how many people out there can say to "just move on" or "better to forget it ever happened" even the people that try that will be changed forever. If you don't talk about death it doesn't take away that it occurred. Those that try to ignore or forget that their child died are just as much a part of dead baby land as any baby loss momma. None of us are WILLING participants. No one would ever CHOOSE this agony for themselves or for anyone they knew.

I laid in bed the other night trying to fall asleep in vain and just kept thinking... "This is NOT my life, this is not my life, this is not my life" like some crazed version of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz except....guess what? She got to go home - it WAS all a dream for her.... but this IS my life. This is my grief, my weight to bear. Instead of the weight of a child in my arms or laying against my chest I bear the weight of my grief and ever present loss.

I WILL NOT RUSH GRIEF

In Angie's book she says that we should repeat that to ourselves and those reading this that have not experienced such loss should repeat it too. DO NOT RUSH GRIEF! Listen to someone if they are on this sad journey. Try your best to not offer cliche responses such as "it happened for a reason" or "it wasn't meant to be" or "your baby is in heaven" - I know all of these things.... do they make me feel "better"? Do they "take away my pain"? Not a bit.

I am a Christian. I think that I have stated that in many posts and I have spoken of how I have not lost faith in God many times. I never will. God's will is not my own. Am I angry about it sometimes? Heck yes I am! Most of the time it makes me angry to be honest. But I still know that God's got my back. I pray constantly that He will grant us children here on earth....

We all have our hurdles in life. I had one big hurdle before the loss of Riley and Peyton. I suffered from depression for 8 years. I used to cut myself - used to cause myself pain physically by cutting myself so that the deep aching sadness in my mind would be overpowered. Not many people even knew that back then. It was over 8 years ago now. I have never had to deal with those feelings since then at all but I can remember it all the same . They were dark years. I never tried to kill myself or anything like that. It was much like grieving at times... I was downright balling sometimes and others I could smile and laugh. Though my depression came out of nowhere there was NO reason for it. It seemed like one day I woke up and I hated my life - I was depressed for no reason. That was the worst part. How do you get over something that there is no reason for? But I did. I got over it. I have my scars and 8 years of muddled memories as a reminder. But I am on the other side of that depression.

Without God who knows where I would be. Would I still be in that darkness? It's possible. It took a long time to understand WHY ON EARTH I had to go through that! Why from my freshman year in high school until my junior year in college did I have to suffer through that? Well, because I could help others.... I spoke about my struggle with cutting and depression to my church's youth group. It was known that there were at least a few  in the group that were also suffering with it. Most likely there were probably more that no one had any idea about. I hope it helped them in some way. Cutting is much like miscarriage in that it is exceptionally taboo in our society. People would have thought I was a complete freak if they knew I did that in high school. They still would nowadays. It is completely and TOTALLY impossible to understand WHY someone would do that to themselves... UNLESS you have been there yourself. No one wants to talk about it. They will hide it all they can. Why? Because no one wants to be a freak - no one wants to be different - no one wants to be judged.

Sound familiar?

I think for those exact reasons SOME people will do all they can to ignore, "forget", pretend, and not acknowledge that they EVER lost a child. No one wants to be the odd duck. The one at the lunch table all by themselves. The person that everyone is afraid to talk to because they have no idea what to say. A member of the pity party. Well you know what? I am that person. And if talking about my babies makes me odd or different then so be it because you know what? RILEY AND PEYTON ARE MY BABIES! They always will be! I will ALWAYS talk about them - I will ALWAYS love them - and I will forever miss them until I meet them one day in heaven. I am the only voice they have. Those that do not want to hear about my babies or acknowledge that my loss was real should move on without me in their lives. They have changed MY world forever, my HEART forever. my LIFE forever. I will do whatever small part I can to change the WORLD in whatever small way I can for my babies. They did not die in vain. I will make my art, speak my faith, and tell their story until the day I breathe my last breath. I survived one 8 year hurdle and I will survive these life long hurdles. Riley and Peyton have made me a better person. What a huge impact they have made in such a short time. 16 weeks between the two of them and my life is forever changed. I am forever blessed that I can see that. FOREVER BLESSED.

I found out today that two couples I know are pregnant. I am happy for them, don't get me wrong, but it's hard. It's a weight on my chest. Takes my breath away to hear that others get the joy I am longing for. I know "my time will come" but watching others time come isn't the most fun in the universe. I wish them the best and pray that they will have happy uneventful pregnancies. But 2 days after a baby being born on Riley's due date to hear of more pregnancies is just more weight. It's a struggle. It's a HARD journey....

God get me through this! Help me to love you and others through my sadness! Be with me through these days and bring peace to my heavy heart tonight Lord. My body is weary but my heavy heart won't let me rest. Take this weight away and give me sweet dreams this night. Amen.



Riley and Peyton mommy loves you! Did you know that you changed me forever? Did you know that I did not even need to hold you or see you for you to forever impact my heart and life? You are my tiny forever blessings. My permanent reminders that you have made me a better, stronger person.  Thank you for that my loves. I am forever thankful that God let me carry you even for such a short time. Thankful that when I breathe my last breath on earth one day I will immediately be joined in heaven with my babies. Oh what a day of rejoicing that will be!

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20


If you read this entire post - I love you and thank you for walking with me on this journey. Each and EVERY one of you mean so very much to me. Please at least leave a small comment even just a :) so I know that you read this.... it would mean a lot.

New ideas... (comments needed please!)

So ever since I lost Peyton and started this blog I was in dire need of memorials. In need of things to have around me always... to remember Riley and Peyton. I wanted them to be with me even though they are so far away. It was much more difficult to find memorials for my babies then I had imagined. Looking back on that it was rather naive of me to think there would be many such things out there in a society full of people that prefer to ignore the grief of those traversing "dead baby land" (as many BLM's call it - sorry to my husband if he is reading this - he is not a fan of that terminology).

So I have been slowly coming up with my own memorials that I can create to sell to other baby loss mommas. I am thinking of starting a blog dedicated to these items. Hoping that it may help others find ways to remember their children with my help. I will put the items on my website and my etsy store too but I thought it relevant to start a blog related specifically to BLM items. I'm thinking of calling it "Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art" or something along those lines. Any suggestions would be appreciated about the name - comment away ;)  !!!

So here are my items I want to sell so far:

 Customized bracelets...

 Angel plaques - with name and date baby grew wings...

 Finished examples I made for my angels...

Accordian books - shown closed. (4.5 x 4.5 inches when folded!)

 Accordian book (I made for Peyton) it opens up and lays flat...

Two sides to decorate...

 and then it can fold up just like the picture at the top....

 Accordian book (I made for Riley) will be premade and/or made to order - mommas will then be able to decorate the books themselves....

two sides to decorate....

 and then it folds up...

Frames with quotes of any kind...

Canvas paintings...

More frames...

Plaques like the ones below except with "grew wings" above the dates...

I am also going to think of other ideas as time goes on I am sure. SOO what does everyone think? Is this a good idea? Would anyone actually find any of these items to be a good idea? A few said from the last post they liked the bracelet.... I would appreciate a comment from anyone who reads this! It would be really helpful to me! THANK YOU LADIES!

Making these items, doing Heaven's Doves (I had a new entry today but I will mention it again when she gives me her blog title so you can all send her some love), and reading blogs and writing my own really gets me through the day to day of my grief journey. Thank you to ALL you lovely ladies. You are a true blessing....

BRING ON THE COMMENTS! I need them!

On a side note:  My friend had her baby as scheduled (on Riley's due date)... it's bittersweet. I am THRILLED that she had her third child safely and all is well. Glad that some good could come of such an awful date. But at the same time - of course - it's gut wrenching...because it's not Riley that was born. Her boy is beautiful in the photos they posted today...perfect. I see those pictures and wish that was me. Wish that was Riley. Happy that someone can have a baby but I wish it was me. I am so so so happy for her and of course would never wish such grief on anyone. But it was a reminder of all I lost with both my children. Moments I will never experience. Firsts I will never have. Weight I will never hold against my chest. A reminder of such huge losses. Losses that can never be regained. Children I will never see on this green earth. The sadness is unbearable sometimes. Tiring. I told Nate yesterday that I wish I was exhausted and sleep deprived and I smelled like baby spit up right now. I wish that Riley was crying and keeping me up. I wish that the apartment was a mess and I was drained.... because I wish I had Riley. All those things may be happening IF I had Riley. And it would all be worth it. I hope to be a spit up smelling, sleep deprived momma one day soon. While I am sure when that day comes I will complain about being tired, etc.... I KNOW that I will be thrilled to have a baby. To have a child to rock and sing to... to have a baby here on earth. If my friend is reading this please realize I am so so happy for you and I can't wait to meet your little one but we spoke of this before when you told me of the scheduled c-section so I know that you understand. Thank you for that...

Mommy and Daddy love you Riley and Peyton! I hope that through my art I can help others remember there little ones the way it has helped me remember you both. I think of you every day and I always will. I wish you were with us now, that things were different but that's not that case. You are forever loved and missed! I love you both so very much!

Today was Riley's day... balloon release.

Today would have been Riley's due date. (Well technically yesterday since it is 40 minutes into the 28th of September as I start this post...but to me it is still the 27th as I have not gone to bed yet)

I talked to my husband a few weeks ago and told him I wanted to go done to the lake and do a balloon release on this night. So we did that. The weather was mimicking my feelings today...heaven was crying with me.

My view out my kitchen window - much like the view out of tear filled eyes.... interesting.

This was picture was in the afternoon so as you can see it was quite a gloomy day. I kept myself busy making BLM penpal gifts which when finished after a few hours prompted me to look like a civil human being to go to the post office and grab a few things while I was out... including balloons for the release. I mailed everything out and grabbed two things at the grocery store. I then realized I was practically driving on fumes because my gas gauge is a huge stinking LIAR! So I said please please please make it all the way to the gas station down the road. I made it. I take small blessings whenever possible - I was happy for this one. I grabbed a candle that smelled nice and said "Surround me with comfort" on it to light for my babies, to light for Riley tonight. Then I went and got balloons.

This was a whole other experience. I live in a small town and have worked at a variety of businesses in the area (video stores, restaurants, stores, substitute at the school, etc.) so many people know me - the joy of a small town - not so joyful sometimes!! So the lady who was blowing up the balloons "knew" me - you know an acquaintance - she asked me what the balloons were for. I said that I was having a balloon release for my baby Riley who's due date would have been today. She asked what happened... I said well back in Feb. I lost Riley at 6 weeks. This is what she said verbatim "Oh so then you JUST had a miscarriage" - she is SO lucky that I was not in an angry mood - so lucky it is a small town - so lucky I did not scream what I was thinking! This statement was quickly followed with "Oh yea I had 3 or 4 or something like that before I had a baby - you'll be fine" - well thanks balloon lady are you my freaking therapist right now! REALLY... I mean seriously REALLY? What the crap is wrong with people!?!

So i got out of there after quickly paying and muttering to myself on the way to the car and while trying to get the balloons to stay IN the car so I could leave. I was thrilled to walk out of there. To be away from such ignorance - though I knoew at the same time I am literally surrounded by it in our idiotic society....

Luckily I had these BLM penpal cards from Elaine (& Blaine) at Waves over stones and Jennifer at Searching for Safe Harbor. Thank you SO much ladies - it means the WORLD to me and brought a big smile to my face that you were thinking of me today. Thanks also to everyone who left lovely comments and were thinking of me and Riley - you are wonderful women and are such a great support to me!

I came home watched a bit of Little House on the Prairie and put dinner in at 5:45 - Nate got home at 6:30 or so - it looked like it would be light enough if we ate dinner quick. So we did and to my dismay it got dark REAL quick. We did the balloon release at about 7pm with the light of about 9pm. Stupid weather. But the pics managed to come out decent. I swear we were not crazies outside at 9 pm this was abnormal darkness for our sad day.

The three balloons Nate released

The three balloons I released

Nate prayed for Riley and Peyton (he said he knew it was Riley's day but he couldn't leave Peyton out of the prayer I said I felt the same way of course). It was so surreal to be hugging each other and crying through his prayer hearing the waves crashing against the shore and the rain hitting the balloons. Throughout it I felt blessed to have a husband with a heart full of love for our children. Blessed to have him in my life, to not be in this alone. I love him so very much. He is a wonderful daddy!

Nate's balloons after he released them

Our balloons gone quickly and out of sight on a dreary day

 We stood and watched the balloons as they VERY quickly (it was windy) were whisked away into the dark sky. Gone from sight so fast much like our babies were taken from us too fast... of course there is never a time that is a good time to lose a child. It is always tragic no matter when the loss occurs.

When we got home Nate lit the candle for Riley

Life carries on whether we feel like we can live through pain or not. The seconds and minutes and hours pass whether we feel like we can breathe or not. As one of my wonderful BLM blogs I follow stated... I am shocked that the world doesn't stop when tragedy strikes. But it happens every second to somebody, somewhere. So if the world stopped it would never never start again if that were the case.

I made the bracelet below right before writing this entry. I'm thinking if I can find more beads that I may sell them for a small price on here. Not sure if anyone would be interested though. I love mine though. Love to see their names so close to me.....

The bracelet I made for myself

Riley <3 Peyton  Always loved

The hymn it It is Well with my Soul was written by Horatio Spafford after the death of his 4 daughters who drowned in a shipwreck. He wrote these words while passing the area he knew his children had drowned...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.....

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul......

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.




"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe" (Psalm 61:1-3).



Riley and Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. We can't wait to meet you and we hope and pray every day that we will have brothers and/or sisters to raise here on Earth that you will meet one day too! We are glad you have each other, at peace that we know you are happy in heaven. Everyday we will always wish you were with us but we know God's will is not our own and He knows best. Sending our love up to you.... Goodnight my babies.

Riley's due date...

...was supposed to be today - September 27, 2010... but it was not meant to be. Which I know saying that is rather obvious but that's just the fact of the matter. I used to think that facts were useful. Helpful in learning something, gaining knowledge, but this FACT is not useful. My baby being dead is not useful. Yes yes I know that my baby is in heaven - I KNOW - it brings me a brief smile through my tears when they come. But the fact that i know they are in heaven does NOT make the pain go away. Does not change this nightmare, this horror, this ache...

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."
(from my day #4  griefshare email - click here if you are interested in it) 




When I write I often listen to songs from my blog playlist. Mad World was playing a minute ago which is an odd song but I have loved it ever since seeing the movie Donnie Darko - strange but fabulous movie! Here are the lyrics.... (yes they are sad I am well aware of this)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world, enlarging your world
Mad world

First off let me start by saying please do not worry I am not a depressive crazy person. I liked this song many years ago and I personally would not find a dream in which I'm dying the best I ever had. So stop worrying....

OK I underlined some of the parts I like or find interesting. I think it the last part is the most interesting. This is the remake lyrics - the original version by tears for fears did not say enlarging your world. I like that part. I truly believe that grief contributes to enlarging ones "world". For instance I never would have met all you wonderful people reading this had it not been for my grief. I never would have started this. I most likely would be rocking a baby right now. But instead I get my enlarged world. I get my life lessons. I learn from my loss...lucky me...lucky us....lucky 2,000 women a day... (for those who didn't get that the use of "lucky" was VERY sarcastic) I can think of ways I would have rather enlarged my world - like traveling. But this is my lot in life my niche in my corner of the world. At least for now. I hope not forever. I hope and pray daily that this is not some recycling process that will never end. I know I am meant to be a mother of living children. I just want my rainbow baby alive on this earth... in my arms.

Riley has been in heaven for 7 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days. Oh how I miss you my sweet Riley. 

I held my cousin's baby today. He was born almost 3 months ago. I was tickling his beautiful feet and loving the feel of a child in my arms. It was all I could do not to cry. But all babies do is make me smile especially when they are in my arms.  I'm sure Riley is in heaven playing with other children, with Peyton. I wish Riley was here to play with my cousin's baby. To be with us. To cry and wake me up at all hours, to make me literally exhausted - I would welcome all of that with open arms to have Riley back.

Yes I know my miscarriages were early on but if you have not been through it don't judge my grief - don't think I should be over it - and you sure as crap better not ever tell me that! No one has a right to judge such a loss. When I knew I was pregnant I loved Riley RIGHT away. That little pink line invited love into my heart. Talking of names and plans of our coming family invited hope into my heart. Hope for becoming a mother. That hope was smashed and while it was a month later - trust me - that was PLENTY of time to fall deeply and madly in love with my child. My Riley...my baby...my first child.

Momma loves you Riley and I wish you were in my arms right now. I wish I was singing to you. I wish you were here with us. But I know you have Peyton to keep you company. I love you both more than I could ever fully explain to anyone. You will always both have a piece of my heart.

If you missed it when I posted it before this youtube video is me singing a song for my babies....
(if you watched it already thanks :) don't feel I think you need to keep watching it I just thought it was fitting to post it for Riley today)

One Lovely Blog Award - my first award :)

Thanks to Rhiannon at For the Love of Harper,Dana at In Memory of Jacob, and Jamie at Forget me not, oh Lord

I feel SO honored to be nominated by all of you!!! :)  I LOVE all of your blogs!! I am so honored to know you!

I'm very honored to get this award. Here are the rules for the ten blogs that I have awarded this honor to. I think you ALL have amazing blogs. There are many others I would have chosen but other people or in some cases a few people already gave you the award so I wanted to spread the love on to others. :)

You are all amazing bloggers some of which I met through this tragic loss many of us have suffered and some who are blogs I just started reading when I started my blog. You are all fantastic :)

Here are the rules for the award:

   1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have recently discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

Here are my top ten in no particular order:

1. Alana at Life after Benjamin - the first blog I ever fully read you are an amazing woman with a wonderful heart! 
2. Vera Kate at My Insides, Out - you are a true artist with a wonderful way with words.
3. Brigette at The Rushworths - you are an amazing mother and a wonderful blogger.
4. Rachel at Curls O Fred - the artist in me LOVES to see all your creative posts - I love your blog!
5. Emily at Searching for Jack - you have started an amazing project in Jack's name and you have a lovely blog that I enjoy reading too!
6. Tina at Fly Away Home to Heaven - you are a wonderful mother with a huge heart I love to read your blog.
7. Holly at Holly Goes Lightly - you were the first blog I ever started reading and you more than deserve the honor of this award. You are a super mom and a fabulous writer!
8.  Michelle - Loving Audry - you have a great blog and a huge heart, I know your candles you make must bring smiles to many baby loss mommas faces :)
9. Annette at White Heart, Black Heart - your new blog simply rocks! I love it and I think you are one amazing, beautiful woman. Can't wait to read more :) 
10. Sarah at As Long as I live, you will live - you are not afraid to say how you truly feel, I love that about your blog. 


You all rock! And I am so blessed to know you. For those who have suffered the loss of a child I know we would all choose having our children back in our arms over meeting each other but given we don't have that choice I am blessed to have you all in my life to help me through this grief journey.

Happy tears

The past couple days I have not written much. Small posts. I have been reading many blogs though and keeping up with all you lovely ladies and your lives. Making art for my babies and today I spent a lot of time with family. I went with my mom and my sister to a craft show in a nice historic town not far from us. We had a nice time. While there I took lots of pictures which has been a very positive change since my last miscarriage when our camera was often forgotten everywhere we went.

At one of the booths halfway through the show a woman told me my necklace was beautiful and asked me where I got it. I told her it was handstamped and it was for my babies in heaven. That I had a couple miscarriages in the past 7 months. She asked if we were still trying and I said yes as l could try we would try. She said she had also suffered two miscarriages. I did not have the courage to ask her if she had any children. I was too afraid that she would say they never had children. Too afraid to even put that thought into my head. To even consider that a possibility. But I was proud that I talked about Riley and Peyton in public to a perfect stranger without breaking down and sobbing. Without falling to the ground in broken pieces. This is a big step and I am glad it was on a good day a day where I had the strength to live through it. It didn't ruin my day which is a big step too.

Here is a picture :)

Me my mom and my sister at the craft show

Later after the craft show my family went to my cousin's wedding reception - they are SUCH a cute couple - I am so happy for them! Then we went to my family's house for what was supposed to be game night but my dad did not feel good and neither did Nate so that did not happen. We ate and me and my mom talked about the party we are going to have. She sells Longaberger and I make and sell jewelry and I will probably do henna tattoos for those of my friends that would like one.

So all in all today was a good day. I fear that it has been awhile since tears have come in large amounts and with what would have been Riley's due date looming over me and coming in two days I fear they will come. We will see. Until then I hope to have sweet dreams. I wish sweet dreams to you all....


"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away. '
From the song Praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns


Mommy loves you Riley and Peyton. Whether others stop asking about you or forget you. We never will. I will tell your story at every chance I am given. You are my babies and you deserve that. Mommy and daddy love you so very much.

Children...

If we could all view life with the innocent eyes of children wouldn't life be so much easier? Wouldn't people be so much kinder?

www.themidnightorange.com

Plaque and others... (creative every day)

My plaque I made for Riley

My plaque I made for Peyton

Plaque before I put the name on it

detail - colors can be changed

My tattoo drawing. Lettering will be different and shading will be better 

 SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? :) I expect some reactions from my dear friends :)

I would write more but I am beyond exhausted. So I will sleep and look forward to my friends reactions :)

Goodnight Riley and Peyton, mommy loves you very very much. I hope you like your signs as much as I do! I will never ever forget you my loves!

Emotional rollercoaster...

September has been a tough month. When it started (and when this blog started) I just had my second D & C. Just lost my second child only a couple weeks before that. The 19th marked a month since we said goodbye to Peyton and the 27th will mark Riley's due date. I am dreading that with every fiber of my being. We are going to do a balloon release - I hope that will give me a bit of peace. To be able to do something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to admit that in the last month I have been pretty sheltered - but I am pretty sheltered in general. That's just me. I'm a homebody. I don't find fault in that but I also feel that people are more likely to judge this sort of behavior after someone has gone through some sort of loss and they are grieving. People are more bound to "worry" about me because something must be wrong. The problem is that most of them did not know me enough or pay attention enough to know I was like this all along. Trust me there was nothing wrong beforehand either it's just the type of personality I have. I love to hang out with friends and such but I ended the hanging in large group party atmosphere aspect of my life when I was like 20 so it's been 9 years that part of me is out the door. I have no interest in revisiting it. I love to chill with my husband. Maybe have a few friends over sometimes and hang out with my family. My family is a group that I enjoy :) So you need not be worried this girl has been the type to choose vegging at home over pretty much everything except going out to see a movie...

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It doesn't take a whole lot since my second miscarriage to make me cry. I don't mean thinking of Riley and Peyton - obviously that will make me cry - as thinking of any loss would. I mean my power shuts off for the second time in a row - fifth time in a month kinda thing. That is bound to make me so annoyed so incredibly angry that I just cry. I just want to scream CAN I JUST MAKE DINNER PLEASE! Have I not BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH! Or when the printer gets jammed or the GPS is being stupid. It just makes the tears that - mind you - would probably have come sooner or later show themselves a bit sooner. The homebody aspect helps other people not see this. Which is good. The only times I almost cried in front of lots of people was church last sunday (Riley's one month angelversary) when I was singing (and beforehand). The other time was the follow up visit for my D & C. I was waiting almost two hours in a room FULL of pregnant women and children - I was (give or take) 5 minutes from breaking down and crying when they called my name. Those were both close calls.

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I have been making Riley & Peyton name boards with a new design. I want to offer them on Etsy and on my website so that other mom's with angels could order one if they wanted to. It would make me happy to be able to make something that may ease others pain through this sad journey. I have also been working on a design for the tattoo that I am going to get in memory of my angels. My appointment is for Oct. 1st I am excited (even though I HATE getting tattoos - I love them when they are done and healed). I have a pretty great idea in mind and an artist that is really talented and was very kind when I explained the reason for the tattoo. Don't worry - once completed  - I will post a pic of the boards for my babies AND the tattoo.

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Goodnight sweet Riley and Peyton. Mommy loves you and I think of you every single day. I even dream of you sometimes. Dream of you in my arms where I will always wish you were... I will always remember you, always celebrate that you are my children. You will always be part of my heart just as you have pieces of my heart with you right now. I LOVE YOU!

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^"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor. 4:18  (which is referenced in one of my other tattoos)

Me singing at church

This is the recording of me singing from this past Sunday at church. The slides that go with it are what were played on the large screens at church while I was singing. This was before we named our sweet babies so Baby Malloy is Riley Malloy and Baby Bean is Peyton Malloy. I wish we had the names so that those could have been on the screen too. But that's ok :)

Hope you all enjoy it. My voice catches a few times and it was hard to sing so it is not my BEST performance but God helped me get through it without crying which is all I prayed for :)

Go to the bottom of my blog in the right hand column and pause my playlist or it will play at the same time as the video...

Riley & Peyton - forever loved!!!

To begin with there have been two new additions to Heaven's Doves. I came upon both of these women's blogs today and they are both amazing ladies. I am sure they would love it if you dropped on by their little piece of our BLM grieving community.

Mary blogs at: Micah's Gift she is basically the reason for the title of the blog. (Don't worry I will explain) Thank you so much Mary and Micah! Stop by her blog and have your babies name written on a blade of growing grass. I look forward to getting mine :)

Jamie blogs at: Forget Me Not, Oh Lord. She has a wonderful heart and I look forward to reading more about her through her journey. It's so sad that so many wonderful people need to meet this way but if we can help each other I know there is something to be gained from this journey of sadness.

If you get a chance and you have not done so yet - please request a dove - they are free of charge and it makes me happy to make them for others :)
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Without further ado.... Our babies now have names. When I read Mary's story she mentioned that it made her sad to think of her baby sitting up in heaven without a name. That got me thinking. Why didn't my babies have names? Of course the logical reason would be well we had no idea what the sex of either was. Neither did Mary - but she was right - I felt bad that my babies were sitting in heaven with no names. I felt bad that when I talk to them they were Baby Malloy or Baby Bean or baby #1 or #2. It was awkward and in my silent prayers or typed out blogs I should not feel awkward. Now I know that they have names. I hope that God let them know :) So the former "Baby Malloy or baby #1" will now and forever be named RILEY and the former "Baby Bean or baby #2" will now and forever be named PEYTON. I am happy they have names. It made me smile as soon as we decided. Now I have to order charms with their precious names on them.

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One of my relatives wrote me a message on facebook... hopefully she will not mind that I am posting what she said - but it was so great I could not help it.
As a back story she is married to one of my cousins (I have many LOL) and she is also currently pregnant. Before the church service on Sunday I managed to get the nerve to go up to her and hug her and congratulate her. Shocking that I could do that - but I did - without her even knowing it was difficult. Though she probably realized it was after hearing me sing on Sunday.

This is what she wrote me today:

Hi Jess,

Your song was beautiful yesterday...and I love your hair. I am sort of ashamed to admit this but having never been in your situation and not really knowing many people that (openly) have been, I have been one of those that don't really understand and would think can't you just try again? The kind of person that would probably really really tick you off...so though it may not have been what you were going for, watching you sing yesterday and seeing Nate and your emotions as you left the church when you were finished, I get it now. Your loss was very real.

Though I will never ever ever understand why this happens and am so angry that you are suffering right now - I am absolutely positive that you will be a beautiful mom to babies that we can hold in our arms someday. 

 

 

The underlined parts were the most touching though her honesty was amazingly touching also... this was my reply to her: 

Your honesty brought tears to my eyes. I thank you for that. Yes our loss is very very real. And though we will be trying for more children whether we have 1 or 4 I will always be the mother of those children and our other two. When we have our first baby on Earth I will tell people I have three children and I will explain. They deserve that :)
Thank you for the sweet compliments. I was happy with the song and thanking God all day that I made it through it without crying. I love my hair too LOL - thanks ;)
I pray that I will have babies in my arms on Earth every single day. I have prayed that for years but since Feb. and even more since Aug. I have prayed even harder. Thank you again!
LOVE YOU! 

 

That was an AMAZING message to get - I hope she knows how much that meant!! And I hope that other people who have similar feelings as hers understand that it is a HUGE loss! 

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Momma misses you Riley & Peyton! I hope that you love your names. I'm sorry you had to wait so long for them, especially you Riley... momma made you wait too long but I hope you love your names! I am glad that you two have each other and you are safe and happy in heaven. I wish you did not feel so far away, so out of reach, so permanently absent. Riley valentine's day and hearts will always make me think of you and Peyton fall will always remind me of you. Doves remind me of both of you for you are the reason I created Heaven's Doves. I pray daily that I will learn everything I am supposed to from my loss of you. That I will somehow become a better person, more caring and loving and that I can effect people and help them through their grief. I know there must be something that will come from all of this...I know that God had a reason for taking you to heaven. Taking you away. Someone wrote the other day in a blog that they wished there was a stairway to heaven. I do too. I wish I could visit you or see pictures of you even. It's all so surreal. Sad to be living through this pain that SO many others do not even acknowledge. That so many think is no big deal, that I should be "over it". Society is so cruel my loves. Riley, you are the oldest so help Peyton out. I would have expected that on Earth so I want you to do the same in heaven. Love each other and keep your hearts open and eyes out for mommy and daddy we will be there before you know it. RILEY AND PEYTON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

I lived to sing another day....

So I survived singing "I will carry you" by Selah at church today. On the one month angelversary of my second baby no less! I was fighting tears all the way through the beginning of the service and I just prayed my ever living butt off that I would make it through that song without crying. God pulled me through! My voice was shakier than usual and I almost cried a couple of times but since I stared down at the words the whole time and looked at no one that DID help!!

I saw when I walked down that Nate was crying and he already knew the I was immediately going to walk out because I KNEW that I would have to cry afterwards. So we went out together and my mom was there, then my dad came out, and my sister followed. We had a lot of hugs and a lot of tears. Some other people came out and told me they didn't know how I did it and I said that I prayed a LOT! Without God that song would never have made it out of these vocal chords! I did not cry as much as I thought so I assume those tears will come either tonight or tomorrow.

After church a bunch of people came up to me and told me I did a wonderful job, shared about their losses, or asked about the Walk to Remember we are participating in... it was nice that so many people cared. I appreciated all their responses, comments, well wishes, and prayers. I am happy that I have survived another day :)



Goodnight my sweet babies. I hope you enjoyed the song I sang for you. I would have sang for you every day if you were still with me so I hope that you can hear me and feel my love when I sing for you on days like today. It makes me smile through the tears to think that those notes flew up to heaven and hugged you today, hugged you like I cannot here on Earth. That my voice enveloped you with the warmth you would have had if I had held you in my arms. 

My first child, oh how I miss you and I wish you were with me today. You may have been here by now if things had went how I expected. But God had other plans. My second sweet baby. You were my birthday miracle and it has been a month since I found out that you entered heaven. It seems like years. Sometimes I feel SO very far away from you my loves. This hole in my heart is so big and while I know the hole will seem smaller in the time to come I also know it will always be there. The same size hole because those pieces left when you left Earth. They left when I knew that you were in heaven, though safe, still not with mommy and daddy. You are in my thoughts all day, every day, and in each loving tear I shed for you please know that mommy will be okay. I know that you are safe but it will always be hard for me, to know that I will never have you with me on Earth. Hug each other tight tonight my loves. We will see you in heaven one day.

Picture post (Creative Everyday)

This is my friends watching the "Bed Intruder Song" video last night - SO funny ;)

On the way to the clinic to get her shot

So I went with my aunt today to a clinic where they will give cats and dogs free rabies shots. I called my husband because I forget Gabby's paperwork. Well when I call him he tells me that the paperwork says she didn't need it till NEXT December : (  So basically... I am a crappy owner because I tortured my poor cat for no reason. The poor dear seems to love me again though so I guess all is not lost :) But I still feel really bad!

On the way home from the clinic - I was positive she hated me at this point ;)

All alone

Late bloomer

Lack of focus

hidden from sight

safe haven

a heart I walk by everyday

Most of the time this sign rings SO true!

 Tomorrow I will sing "I will carry you" by Selah in church. Tomorrow marks a month since we said goodbye to our second sweet baby. Another sweet child waiting in heaven. Tomorrow will by no means be easy. With God's grace and the courage he will give me I will make it through the song without crying in front of everyone. I know for a fact I will not make it after I sing it. I plan to go directly to the bathroom after I sing for I know the tears will need to come. Life is not easy right now. Tomorrow is a month since the second miscarriage and the 27th marks our first baby's due date. Even now I may have already had our sweet baby in my arms - even now it may have had the greatest love for such a small creation. I still have the greatest love for my both of my children. When I have a child one day, which I truly pray will happen, I will still say I am the mother of three and I will tell my baby's stories. 

Mommy and Daddy love you angels. I am going to tell a lot of people about you tomorrow. I will be singing a song in memory of both of you. You mean the world to me my loves. I will always love you and never forget you. Keep each other company until mommy and daddy can be there with you. Goodnight, mommy is sending you kisses and hugs, take care of each other!

Social stigma....

So today went pretty well to start. I made some BLM gifts to send out. Check out my pages in the right hand column and you will see BLM gifts among the pages. I started this page for me to have quick and easy reference to pictures of gifts I have made other Baby Loss Mommas. In some cases I have posted the reactions to the gifts if there were any. This way if I am having a down day I can reference that and see that I brought a bit of joy to people and my hope is that it will make me feel better. Making people smile has always given me joy in my heart no matter my mood.

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After making those I had to go off to an interview for substitute teaching at a local school district. Now when I say "interview" what I mean to say is they went - oh nice to meet you - you subbed here before - ok so you are not a terrorist - here's the tax work - fill that out give it to this woman - have a great day thanks for stopping by! LOL I was like okay! GREAT :) After that I mailed out my gifts and headed to my aunt's to practice "I Will Carry You" (Selah) since I sing at church on Sunday. My friend made me the powerpoint to show the lyrics on the screen while I'm singing which I am happy about. I asked him if he could separate just the sound recording with the powerpoint for me to post on here and he said if the recording turns out good he should be able too :) So if that works you can all hear it... we'll see if it works!

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So then I got home, ate something quick, watched some tv and read one or two blogs. Well we had plans to go to a friend's birthday party. So when it came to that time I told my husband - I don't know if I can handle this. He was like well you were fine earlier and I said well now I'm not. Which was of course met with a "Why?" and I was like same reason honey the same reason! I told him I can't explain the swing in my mood sometimes. I just didn't know if I could be around a group of people. I mean I'm glad they were all people that already knew for the most part but still I didn't feel emotionally prepared... there is this social stigma with me about miscarriage.... that we are not supposed to acknowledge it around others. Which I think is beyond stupid. And I say society can just get the crap over it already. But still I worry about getting judged especially by those I love.

We got there and we were the first ones there. Which of course automatically worried me more somehow but it all worked out just fine. We had a great time :) I talked with all the ladies there about everything. And specifically got to talk with my one friend for quite awhile before we left which was really nice. Hopefully we can spend some time with her and her husband sometime. That would be nice. It automatically makes it easier to hang out with people when you know that you can be yourself through your pain. She said that my blog made her understand more about my loss and grief which made me happy as it is part of why I enjoy blogging. I want people to "get it" a bit more. No one will ever understand fully unless they have lost a baby too. But a glimpse is still helpful.

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All in all today was a good day. Other than the 10-20 minutes of stress and worry about entering a group setting.... it was good. I plan to read more of "I Will Carry You" tonight before bed. I am happy that - at the moment - I am back on a less crazy sleep schedule :)

Mommy misses you sweet babies. I'm glad I can talk about you with some friends. I hope they will always listen to me talk about you because I don't plan to stop. You will always be my babies. Always have a very very special place in mommy and daddy's hearts. You are forever loved and never forgotten! I love you so so much! I wish I could hug you and kiss you and you could be here with me but as tears roll down my cheeks I know you were meant for heaven. I wish it were different but I know it cannot be... We will always love you my angels. ALWAYS!

Enter Heaven's Doves Blog 

Selah - to praise, to lift up....

To start with there were two more additions to Heaven's Doves today that you can view by clicking HERE.
It seems as though people are very happy with their dove pictures which makes me so happy because that is the one and only reason I am doing this. It makes me smile to bring joy to others. I have also been sending little gifts to other baby loss mommas through BLM penpals. I may start a page with the pictures of those gifts soon. When I left for the Selah concert today I grabbed our mail. I received a cord blood thing in the mail of course with a huge pregnant belly on the front - thank you again USPS for sending me more torture.... luckily I was blessed to receive a card from a BLM penpal card at the same time. Thank you SO much Megan! You can view Megan's wonderful blog here. I knew what it was as soon as I saw a name I did not recognize and it really made me feel better. Thank God for big blessings!

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I went to see Selah in concert today. They are an AMAZING Christian group with unbelievably touching spirits and voices. I went with my sister, my aunt and my cousin. I had a great time. One of the lead singers explained that he was the father of five daughters. He then explained that after having twins girls and then another girl that when his wife (Angie) got pregnant again at 18 weeks they found out that their daughter had too many problems and she would not live. They were given choices and chose for Angie to carry their baby as long as God would let Audry live. She carried her for three more months and then delivered her - she lived for two hours - longer then anyone thought possible - and then she went to heaven. After explaining this and me, of course, in tears they they sang unreedemed (see my previous post - listen to it trust me it is amazing!
When I came home I immediately purchased their most recent cd "You Deliver Me" on Itunes. It's a great CD. I also immediately looked for his wife Angie's blog so that I could read it.

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During the intermission I went directly to the merch table and purchased the book that Angie wrote called "I Will Carry You:  The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy". I look forward to reading it. When I purchased the book I told the woman I had had two miscarriages. Someone behind me said "recently" and I said "yes one was a month ago" and they looked at me with sympathy that woman behind the counter asked if she could hug me I said yes - I love hugs. She asked if I had any children and I said only my two babies and heaven. She told me I would be in her prayers. That was the first time I told a total stranger about both my angels. It felt good though I almost cried when she hugged me. It was so sweet. I am not used to sweet reactions. Most people don't even want to hear about it. So singing in church and pretty much announcing it to the whole church with the words on the screen should be interesting.

I did not get to hear I will Carry You at the concert which was disappointing but I would have gone whether I had known it wouldn't have been sung so technically I guess it doesn't matter. I am singing I will carry you at church this Sunday. Exactly a month after my dreadful appointment where I found out I had had another miscarriage. When I found out my second baby was in heaven with their sibling. I know there is no way that I will sing it as good as Amy does on Selah's CD but I hope my babies enjoy hearing their mommy sing. If I can figure out how to put just the sound recording on here I probably will do that also.

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I also really enjoyed hearing Amy talk about how she has always had issues with her weight. How she never thought she was pretty and people always said things like "She would be so pretty if she lost 30 lbs." or when a boyfriend told her he could not marry her unless she lost weight.... While I have never had anything as bad as the second thing said to me. I have been told many many comments in my 29 years of life (being overweight since 9th grade). Maybe they were not meant to make me feel bad but they did. She spoke about that said she had tried every diet (I have lost 70 lbs. four years ago only to gain it back) and that she had never had any luck. She soon realized that she was losing weight for herself not because she knew she needed to be healthy. So when she finally came to a place that she realized that in God's eyes she was beautiful she has now been able to lose weight.

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I loved what she said and I was really able to understand what she meant. I have people who love me and I know that God loves me but I don't know if I can think of myself as beautiful. I know I could be beautiful but I don't think I am right now. I do know that God finds all his creatures beautiful but that doesn't help the looks and judgments that I feel from other people. The thoughts I figure someone is thinking when I go to a restaurant and order alfredo (figuring they think I should get a salad not something so bad for me). Oh wouldn't it be nice to be smaller and not feel so judged. To be skinny and order alfredo and have someone think - oh I wish I could eat bad food and still look good. While I doubt that comment will ever be thought about me I pray that I will gain the confidence to take better care of myself. To learn to love myself enough to do that. There are some days where I feel like I don't have the energy to worry about such things. But I know the time will come... hopefully sooner than later. My confidence has never been good. I have always been the girl with a pretty face and a great sense of humor.... could be worse I suppose.

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Hearing that story today about his daughter made me cry. Trust me I would have balled had I not been in public. Home is the best place to let out such tears. I pray I will survive this Sunday without crying until after my song is complete and surviving this anniversary with some sanity. I can't imagine ever not crying during similar stories for the rest of my life. Grief of such a sort, once it happens to you, changes you forever. Miscarriage has changed me forever....

"Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed"
from Unredeemed by Selah

Mommy and Daddy love you sweet babies. We miss you every single day.