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After making those I had to go off to an interview for substitute teaching at a local school district. Now when I say "interview" what I mean to say is they went - oh nice to meet you - you subbed here before - ok so you are not a terrorist - here's the tax work - fill that out give it to this woman - have a great day thanks for stopping by! LOL I was like okay! GREAT :) After that I mailed out my gifts and headed to my aunt's to practice "I Will Carry You" (Selah) since I sing at church on Sunday. My friend made me the powerpoint to show the lyrics on the screen while I'm singing which I am happy about. I asked him if he could separate just the sound recording with the powerpoint for me to post on here and he said if the recording turns out good he should be able too :) So if that works you can all hear it... we'll see if it works!
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So then I got home, ate something quick, watched some tv and read one or two blogs. Well we had plans to go to a friend's birthday party. So when it came to that time I told my husband - I don't know if I can handle this. He was like well you were fine earlier and I said well now I'm not. Which was of course met with a "Why?" and I was like same reason honey the same reason! I told him I can't explain the swing in my mood sometimes. I just didn't know if I could be around a group of people. I mean I'm glad they were all people that already knew for the most part but still I didn't feel emotionally prepared... there is this social stigma with me about miscarriage.... that we are not supposed to acknowledge it around others. Which I think is beyond stupid. And I say society can just get the crap over it already. But still I worry about getting judged especially by those I love.
We got there and we were the first ones there. Which of course automatically worried me more somehow but it all worked out just fine. We had a great time :) I talked with all the ladies there about everything. And specifically got to talk with my one friend for quite awhile before we left which was really nice. Hopefully we can spend some time with her and her husband sometime. That would be nice. It automatically makes it easier to hang out with people when you know that you can be yourself through your pain. She said that my blog made her understand more about my loss and grief which made me happy as it is part of why I enjoy blogging. I want people to "get it" a bit more. No one will ever understand fully unless they have lost a baby too. But a glimpse is still helpful.
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All in all today was a good day. Other than the 10-20 minutes of stress and worry about entering a group setting.... it was good. I plan to read more of "I Will Carry You" tonight before bed. I am happy that - at the moment - I am back on a less crazy sleep schedule :)
Mommy misses you sweet babies. I'm glad I can talk about you with some friends. I hope they will always listen to me talk about you because I don't plan to stop. You will always be my babies. Always have a very very special place in mommy and daddy's hearts. You are forever loved and never forgotten! I love you so so much! I wish I could hug you and kiss you and you could be here with me but as tears roll down my cheeks I know you were meant for heaven. I wish it were different but I know it cannot be... We will always love you my angels. ALWAYS!
I am proud of you for going to that party, the anticipation of public events can be so hard and they are usually not as bad as we expect them to be. I am glad that you have some friends that wanted to take the time to talk and try and understand what you are going through. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had a good time at the party. Sometimes just forgetting about "society" and living from our hearts brings us amazing gifts. I will be holding you in my heart tomorrow morning as you sing for your babies. (((hugs)))
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