Selah - to praise, to lift up....

To start with there were two more additions to Heaven's Doves today that you can view by clicking HERE.
It seems as though people are very happy with their dove pictures which makes me so happy because that is the one and only reason I am doing this. It makes me smile to bring joy to others. I have also been sending little gifts to other baby loss mommas through BLM penpals. I may start a page with the pictures of those gifts soon. When I left for the Selah concert today I grabbed our mail. I received a cord blood thing in the mail of course with a huge pregnant belly on the front - thank you again USPS for sending me more torture.... luckily I was blessed to receive a card from a BLM penpal card at the same time. Thank you SO much Megan! You can view Megan's wonderful blog here. I knew what it was as soon as I saw a name I did not recognize and it really made me feel better. Thank God for big blessings!

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I went to see Selah in concert today. They are an AMAZING Christian group with unbelievably touching spirits and voices. I went with my sister, my aunt and my cousin. I had a great time. One of the lead singers explained that he was the father of five daughters. He then explained that after having twins girls and then another girl that when his wife (Angie) got pregnant again at 18 weeks they found out that their daughter had too many problems and she would not live. They were given choices and chose for Angie to carry their baby as long as God would let Audry live. She carried her for three more months and then delivered her - she lived for two hours - longer then anyone thought possible - and then she went to heaven. After explaining this and me, of course, in tears they they sang unreedemed (see my previous post - listen to it trust me it is amazing!
When I came home I immediately purchased their most recent cd "You Deliver Me" on Itunes. It's a great CD. I also immediately looked for his wife Angie's blog so that I could read it.

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During the intermission I went directly to the merch table and purchased the book that Angie wrote called "I Will Carry You:  The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy". I look forward to reading it. When I purchased the book I told the woman I had had two miscarriages. Someone behind me said "recently" and I said "yes one was a month ago" and they looked at me with sympathy that woman behind the counter asked if she could hug me I said yes - I love hugs. She asked if I had any children and I said only my two babies and heaven. She told me I would be in her prayers. That was the first time I told a total stranger about both my angels. It felt good though I almost cried when she hugged me. It was so sweet. I am not used to sweet reactions. Most people don't even want to hear about it. So singing in church and pretty much announcing it to the whole church with the words on the screen should be interesting.

I did not get to hear I will Carry You at the concert which was disappointing but I would have gone whether I had known it wouldn't have been sung so technically I guess it doesn't matter. I am singing I will carry you at church this Sunday. Exactly a month after my dreadful appointment where I found out I had had another miscarriage. When I found out my second baby was in heaven with their sibling. I know there is no way that I will sing it as good as Amy does on Selah's CD but I hope my babies enjoy hearing their mommy sing. If I can figure out how to put just the sound recording on here I probably will do that also.

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I also really enjoyed hearing Amy talk about how she has always had issues with her weight. How she never thought she was pretty and people always said things like "She would be so pretty if she lost 30 lbs." or when a boyfriend told her he could not marry her unless she lost weight.... While I have never had anything as bad as the second thing said to me. I have been told many many comments in my 29 years of life (being overweight since 9th grade). Maybe they were not meant to make me feel bad but they did. She spoke about that said she had tried every diet (I have lost 70 lbs. four years ago only to gain it back) and that she had never had any luck. She soon realized that she was losing weight for herself not because she knew she needed to be healthy. So when she finally came to a place that she realized that in God's eyes she was beautiful she has now been able to lose weight.

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I loved what she said and I was really able to understand what she meant. I have people who love me and I know that God loves me but I don't know if I can think of myself as beautiful. I know I could be beautiful but I don't think I am right now. I do know that God finds all his creatures beautiful but that doesn't help the looks and judgments that I feel from other people. The thoughts I figure someone is thinking when I go to a restaurant and order alfredo (figuring they think I should get a salad not something so bad for me). Oh wouldn't it be nice to be smaller and not feel so judged. To be skinny and order alfredo and have someone think - oh I wish I could eat bad food and still look good. While I doubt that comment will ever be thought about me I pray that I will gain the confidence to take better care of myself. To learn to love myself enough to do that. There are some days where I feel like I don't have the energy to worry about such things. But I know the time will come... hopefully sooner than later. My confidence has never been good. I have always been the girl with a pretty face and a great sense of humor.... could be worse I suppose.

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Hearing that story today about his daughter made me cry. Trust me I would have balled had I not been in public. Home is the best place to let out such tears. I pray I will survive this Sunday without crying until after my song is complete and surviving this anniversary with some sanity. I can't imagine ever not crying during similar stories for the rest of my life. Grief of such a sort, once it happens to you, changes you forever. Miscarriage has changed me forever....

"Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed"
from Unredeemed by Selah

Mommy and Daddy love you sweet babies. We miss you every single day.