Emotional rollercoaster...

September has been a tough month. When it started (and when this blog started) I just had my second D & C. Just lost my second child only a couple weeks before that. The 19th marked a month since we said goodbye to Peyton and the 27th will mark Riley's due date. I am dreading that with every fiber of my being. We are going to do a balloon release - I hope that will give me a bit of peace. To be able to do something.

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I have to admit that in the last month I have been pretty sheltered - but I am pretty sheltered in general. That's just me. I'm a homebody. I don't find fault in that but I also feel that people are more likely to judge this sort of behavior after someone has gone through some sort of loss and they are grieving. People are more bound to "worry" about me because something must be wrong. The problem is that most of them did not know me enough or pay attention enough to know I was like this all along. Trust me there was nothing wrong beforehand either it's just the type of personality I have. I love to hang out with friends and such but I ended the hanging in large group party atmosphere aspect of my life when I was like 20 so it's been 9 years that part of me is out the door. I have no interest in revisiting it. I love to chill with my husband. Maybe have a few friends over sometimes and hang out with my family. My family is a group that I enjoy :) So you need not be worried this girl has been the type to choose vegging at home over pretty much everything except going out to see a movie...

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It doesn't take a whole lot since my second miscarriage to make me cry. I don't mean thinking of Riley and Peyton - obviously that will make me cry - as thinking of any loss would. I mean my power shuts off for the second time in a row - fifth time in a month kinda thing. That is bound to make me so annoyed so incredibly angry that I just cry. I just want to scream CAN I JUST MAKE DINNER PLEASE! Have I not BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH! Or when the printer gets jammed or the GPS is being stupid. It just makes the tears that - mind you - would probably have come sooner or later show themselves a bit sooner. The homebody aspect helps other people not see this. Which is good. The only times I almost cried in front of lots of people was church last sunday (Riley's one month angelversary) when I was singing (and beforehand). The other time was the follow up visit for my D & C. I was waiting almost two hours in a room FULL of pregnant women and children - I was (give or take) 5 minutes from breaking down and crying when they called my name. Those were both close calls.

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I have been making Riley & Peyton name boards with a new design. I want to offer them on Etsy and on my website so that other mom's with angels could order one if they wanted to. It would make me happy to be able to make something that may ease others pain through this sad journey. I have also been working on a design for the tattoo that I am going to get in memory of my angels. My appointment is for Oct. 1st I am excited (even though I HATE getting tattoos - I love them when they are done and healed). I have a pretty great idea in mind and an artist that is really talented and was very kind when I explained the reason for the tattoo. Don't worry - once completed  - I will post a pic of the boards for my babies AND the tattoo.

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Goodnight sweet Riley and Peyton. Mommy loves you and I think of you every single day. I even dream of you sometimes. Dream of you in my arms where I will always wish you were... I will always remember you, always celebrate that you are my children. You will always be part of my heart just as you have pieces of my heart with you right now. I LOVE YOU!

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^"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor. 4:18  (which is referenced in one of my other tattoos)