No ultrasound :(

Well my doctor didn't order an ultrasound. I'm not happy but what can I do ya know? I really do like my doctor and he has delivered MANY twins so that makes me feel good I just wish he could have done even an unofficial ultrasound. UGH!

I am 10w4d today - I found out we lost Peyton at 10w3d - which was when my appt. was yesterday! SO I mean come on? How can he tell me not to be worried? DUH! Of course I am worried. I am in NO way stressed to the point where I could be causing issue to my babies but STILL I'm worried. What do they expect!

GEESH! Well anyways I AM going to the specialist (who deals with multiples) in 2 weeks unless my doc gets me a sooner appt.... but I'm not holding my breath!

Until then he said my life should be "boring as hell" so I guess I won't be working. Fine by me I just hope financially we will be okay.

I'll feel MUCH better once I get my next ultrasound! I mean it'll be nice when I get to the point where I feel movement but until then I'll be a bit on the edge of my seat. Who can blame me?

Anyways....keep me in your prayers!


Riley & Peyton mommy loves you - please bring me peace and watch over your siblings. Please know that mommy and daddy both love you so very much!

Missing my Riley....

I'm sure I have mentioned this before...probably over a year ago. But my friend had her baby on Riley's due date. I just saw her post on Facebook today about his one year birthday party.

It broke my heart....

I can't believe that Riley would have been a year old. I can't even begin to tell you how much it breaks my heart to see my friend's baby. He is a constant reminder of what could have been. And THAT is not easy to say the least!

I am obviously BEYOND thrilled that my rainbows are on the way but that doesn't take away the sadness in my heart for the angels I have lost. Pieces of my heart will always be missing and while having twins is AMAZING two births won't make up for the children I lost.

Today is a hard day but luckily also a busy one.

My appt. with the nurse at my OB office was yesterday. It was just a bunch of boring questions but she did tell me that the doctor will most likely order an ultrasound on Thursday when I go in for my first visit with him. Trust me I will be BEGGING him for that! It has been 3 weeks AND this is the longest I ever made it before with a pregnancy so I am extra anxious.

I'll make sure to let you all know how Thursday's appt. goes.
Here is the pic I promised of my cute, cuddly cat who loves to be near the babies!! <3

Excuse my unattractiveness - being pregnant and tired isn't pretty (on me anyways LOL)

Don't you love how her butt is practically falling off the the couch just to she can lay near the babies LOL - so super cute!! <3


Riley & Peyton I miss you every day. As your father said last year. You are more real than the air we breathe. We love you <3

What's the deal with Cartoon movies! GEESH!

First off I have come to the realization that I am not going to be able to do nearly as much as I think I can anymore. At least not until (HOPEFULLY) the 2nd trimester when I (again HOPEFULLY) gain my energy back - at least SOMEWHAT anyways!

I realized yesterday - after feeling remotely better with my morning sickness - that even when I feel better I get run down pretty quick. So I had to make something. Then lay down for a bit. Do some dishes. Then lay down for a bit. Etc., etc., etc....

I do have a severe need to paint and I hope I can figure out something that I want to paint soon. I know that as soon as I know the genders of the babies I will get into mass painting mode (don't worry we're talking acrylic paint not fume filled paint!!) once I can pick out a theme. I'm hoping it's boy and girl and there will be a "jungle" or "animal" type theme :) They will of course have hand painted letters that spell out each of their names :) :) <3 Onto the cartoons LOL..... I'm an emotional nutcase! I have been watching Disney movies and cartoon movies! Sleeping Beauty was safe. Then I watched Dumbo... Oh goodness me. And after that Charlotte's Web... You can check out the clips that LITERALLY had me bawling my eyes out below.... Oh my my my is my husband in for a fun emotional roller coaster with this pregnant wife of his LOL ;)

Questions about my tater tots...

So I was reading a new post today by a lovely momma I'm sure you all know. She really inspired me to write about something I have been thinking about for awhile. She spoke about her reactions when people asked if this pregnancy was "her first"....

When I was pregnant with Riley I had a full time job. I had let people know about my pregnancy at work, at church, on Facebook, pretty much the whole flippin' world knew. Within a day or two of breaking the news to everyone and their mother's hairdresser's aunt we got the bad news.... It sucked. I think all you BLM's out there know what I mean. It was devastating. Life crushing. It was a horrible, awful nightmare! My point is that then I told people... that was 2/11/10 and in May of 2010 I got laid off from that job. Haven't had a full-time job since... SOOooo my social networking has massively died down since then. So with my pregnancy with Peyton it was easier to not spread the news like wildfire because well, to put it simply I was never around people. It's easy not to tell people when you are sitting at home by yourself 85% of the time. Immediate family and a couple friends new.... that's it. But guess what? I still lost Peyton and it still sucked. Given the type of person I am I STILL told people about my loss and let me tell you telling them when they had NO idea I was pregnant again was NO fun at all. If anything it sucked more than when they did know.

Telling people in both cases back then made ME feel like I was the bad guy. I always felt like wow I'm such a jerk for making these people feel bad! Nowadays LOL all I can think is screw them - this happened to ME not THEM! It shattered MY life. If they feel a little pity and feel uncomfortable about such a taboo subject as baby loss oh freaking well. That is the least of my worries. Sure, I know, maybe this makes me seem like a jaded old miser and in a way maybe I am. But, I can only handle so much and feeling BAD about talking about my two children (Riley and Peyton) is NOT something I can handle anymore. So the people who want to ignore my pain or can't talk to me about my children... well those people are on the bottom of my list of important people in my life because Riley & Peyton are at the top of that list! If you are in my life and you want to ignore my children then feel free to see yourself out...plain and simple.

I have been asked many times already if my tater tots are my first pregnancy. I'm quite positive that to each person that has asked I have replied "no, I had a couple losses last year". In come cases I leave it at that and say "that's ok" (even though of course it's not) when people say "oh I'm so sorry". In other cases (people I know better, given the situation) I explain more... if they don't already know. Honestly since being laid off from my job mostly my social situations are with friends (who know the whole story) or at church. At church I have been VERY vocal about my losses. I sang I will carry you: including the slides shown in the post...If you watch until the end you will see information. After singing this song I was unable to sit in church as I was bawling my eyes out. But it was worth it. I also sand Unredeemed at church. You can see at the end of the first slides that our babies had not been named but soon after that song I "met" Mary who inspired me to name my babies. A month ago I sang Praise you in This Storm by Casting Crowns and in January I plan to sing Held by Natalie Grant. I'm vocal. Anyone who asks me about my babies , I tell them. I tell them as much as they are willing to listen to... I cherish my moments to talk about my angels.

I am SURE that at some point in this journey there will be a cashier or waitress who will ask me if this is my first pregnancy and I will simply nod or something. I just happen to be around people mainly who I know well enough to explain my case. But, I live a rather sheltered life as of late... and I'm okay with that. For now I just want to surround myself with people that care. They are the people that matter.

My MIL has yet to find out about this pregnancy - she never knew about Riley until I had lost Peyton. She has never been around me when I was pregnant. Personally, I have no interest in that changing this time around either. She is crazy and has a weird attachment to my husband. Mind you this weird attachment is only on her side - my hubby is totally normal!! I truly feel she could care less about me. Hasn't seen me since January and in the 3+ years we have been married has seen me MAYBE 10 times. Soooo she cares about seeing her son. Which is fine I just think that when she finds out I am going to be bringing her grandchildren into the world she will want to see me ONLY because of that. And she totally stresses me out. Just thinking about her stresses me out. Sooo at this point even when she finds out I don't think I can handle seeing her. Does that make me an awful person?

I've been worrying a lot lately about finances and me being jobless and what not. But I have to always remember to give it to God. I know He has a plan and that everything will work out :)

 Also... to answer a question on a comment from the other day. We are still calling the twins our "tater tots" but they are ALSO our "rainbow babies" - for those that don't know a rainbow baby is what a child is called after a woman's previous child is an angel. So I will call them one or both ;)

Riley & Peyton you will always be our first and second children! Even when we tell people we barely know that the tater tots are my first pregnancy don't think we forgot you or care any less. We just don't wish to make others sad sometimes. We will always love you, talk about you, and miss you. We will tell our tater tots (your brothers/sisters) all about you!! <3

UGH.....

Well folks - it seems this momma spoke too soon about not having morning sickness! : (

YUCK! Starting yesterday all went down hill. Now I haven't been throwing up or anything but still just a very horrible amount of feeling AWFUL! Nauseous, light headed if I'm walking around too much, yuck, yuck, yuck. I hope since it has started late it doesn't mean that I will be stuck with this into the 2nd trimester.

I'm trying really hard to drink water. I didn't drink enough water yesterday so maybe that is adding to my general feeling of crappiness. Who knows? I shall do my best to drink more. Can't keep up with anything though. Tons of dishes to do. And of course since I don't feel well enough to do anything I WANT to do things. Figures.

There can be days where I want to just watch TV even though I feel fine but as soon as I HAVE to lay down I don't want to. Here's hoping our tater tots aren't as annoying as their mommy LOL ;) At the very least I am still eating plenty and not throwing up (thank goodness)! I have been watching episode after episode of American Picker on Netflix after finishing up 3 seasons of Pawn Stars on Netflix last week. Thanks to my dear friend Melissa got me into Pawn Stars and I just LOVE it! Luckily I have my news regular season TV shows starting this week so that will give me something to do if I continue to feel sick. I watch incredibly too much tv and I love it so I figure I better enjoy it this season because it may be my last season for watching many of these shows. Sad to lose them but happy to give them up for my tater tots :)

Well, I'm alive over here. Far too hot - even though it's only like 70 degrees outside (but I am ALWAYS hot)! Slept with the air on in the bedroom last night which helped and I've had it on in the living room today which helped too. Weird? Sure! But who care - it makes me feel better! Well... hot, nauseous, light headed.... but alive! I figure feeling like crap usually means all is good so my tots are worth the yuck! Thank goodness you don't get morning sickness AFTER the babies are born LOL that would not go well.

Tonight my new show "Up All Night" is on - I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone with children. I don't have any on Earth yet but I feel the stuff I am laughing at now may make me cry next year LOL ;) !!! Nonetheless it's fun to watch! ;)

Riley & Peyton we love you so very much. I feel you with me every day my sweet angels. Give Nana big hugs and kisses for me every single day. I know she must be so excited that I am having twins. She would have been thrilled if she were still here but I am glad that she is happy, pain free, and with both of you. It brings peace to my heart even through my tears. Always be there for each other and watch over us. We miss you!

9 weeks

Soooo if you missed my last post check it out before reading this one ;)

Today I am 9 weeks with my rainbows. I called to ask if I needed to be referred to a specialist to go and they informed that I need a script from my doctor. So I called my OBGYN's office and luckily spoke to a lovely women. I informed her that I am pregnant with twins and I really want to be referred to a specialist because I have had two D&Cs and I want to make sure I have plenty of people keeping track of everything such as incompetent cervix, etc. She informed me that Dr. C will certainly keep close attention to my pregnancy and that I will "be sick of them" because I will see them so much. I laughed and told her I would LOVE to be sick of them! 

She was also awesome and set up my doctor's appt. when previously all I had set up was a nurse's visit. Which is just boring blah blah and what not - nothing fun happens at those visits! So now I see the nurse in a week (9/26) and the doctor on 9/29 for a regular checkup and I am seriously hoping an ultrasound given it will have been like a month since I had one and I am super anxious! I am going to TRY to call tomorrow and see if there is any way that both appts. can be on the same day though I am not that hopeful they will do that. 

We shall see! 

Either way all is well. I haven't really had morning sickness at all. I have days when I am so incredibly tired I feel ill but that's about it. As long as I drink plenty of water and eat enough I generally feel okay other than the complete and total lack of energy. I have a tendency to sleep 8-10 hours a night (waking up about 5 times to pee UGH). When I get up I take my thyroid meds and have to eat within 30-60 mins. then after being up for about 5 hours I feel exhausted LOL and that's without doing anything! Today I went grocery shopping so I was exhausted in about 3 hours ;) here's hoping the second trimester I gain some energy!

SOoooo all is well everyone and I hope to update with a new ultrasound late next week! :) Finger crossed and prayers sent up daily. I figure my total lack of energy and general slothiness means all is well hehe!

Also super cute thing - my cat has become VERY lovey dovey lately LOL she wants to lay with me ALL the time - before she could care less. The last time she laid with me was when I was pregnant with Peyton. My Gabby cat is a baby lover! <3 SUPER cute I'll have to post a pic soon <3

Also.... note to self - stop watching sad movies back to back my nose is stuffed up enough from being pregnant but bawling my eyes out certainly makes it worse! I watched Up Close & Personal and Marvin's Room last night - both had me bawling by the end - geesh! I mean I ALWAYS cry at movies like that but when I'm pregnant I have a hard time STOPPING crying! I still remember when I watched Lovely Bones! I cried for 30 minutes after the movie was OVER! At the time I didn't know I was pregnant with Riley LOL! That made it make a BIT more sense ;)

So yea, exhausted, over emotional, hungry all the time, somewhat crampy (with my uterus working overtime LOL), and needing to pee all the time.... that pretty much sums it all up! ;)

Many thanks for all the LOVELY comments on my last post! You are all so wonderful and supportive and I can't thank you enough! <3 

Riley & Peyton I love you so very much and daddy and I talk about you all the time :) We miss you!

 

Big news and a lovely surprise! (triggers)

So I was totally bummed when I didn't get pregnant in July but given the fact that I fell and hurt myself and the stress of my Nana's sudden death and all I figured God knew that wasn't the time. After thinking of all the stress my body was in that month I was happy that I didn't end up being pregnant. In hindsight it was a blessing really.

So on to August. I knew I ovulated at the beginning of the month so the first day that I may have missed my period I was like ehhh I'll test (I'm VERY impatient) LOL AND I blogged about the dream I had HERE.

Given the dream and all I just thought August might be our month. So that first test wasn't positive but when I looked at it hours later there was a slight line (same thing happened when I was pg with Riley). SO the next day i took another one and the line was a bit darker (see below)!

For those that are Facebook friends with me - SHHHHHH!!!!

So YEAA! I was thrilled! I already had a blood test (in case this happened) and I called my doctor's office to have them fax one to the hospital so I could get another test done two days later. I waited for the results and the next day they told me my levels were good (493) and two days later on Peyton's due date I found out that the levels doubled!!

So they scheduled an early ultrasound for 9/22 - so we could make sure the gestational sacs were within my uterus and all looked well. And it did - all looked well (check out the pick below).

TWINS!!!

So we prepared ourselves and got crazy excited (a little overwhelmed for a day or two LOL) and we went on our planned road trip to see Nate's family. I DO NOT suggest road trips of thousands of miles within 4 days when pregnant and in need of the bathroom ALL the time! UGH! Not fun! BUT.... the trip itself was fun (outside the car) and we were psyched to be able to share the news in person :)

This past Friday we got to go back and see the heartbeats!!

In this photo you can see baby b's yolk sac really well :) Though baby a's gestational sac takes over most of the picture ;)

 

Here you can see again baby b likes to hide a bit - as he/she did with the first ultrasound for a while LOL
Baby a's sac is larger but both were doing great! Baby a measured right on track and had a heartbeat of 150 and baby b was behind a few days (which they say is nothing to worry about with twins) and had a heartbeat of 129.

They are fraternal (two separate sacs) and they each have an angel sibling watching over them! Or they each have both watching over them (however you want to look at it!)! :)

We are beyond thrilled to be expecting twins! I couldn't be more excited! I have decided to tell friends and family because I don't believe in jinxing and I truly feel very hopeful and calm about this pregnancy. God has brought peace to my heart and mind and I believe that while this pregnancy may not be easy, all will go well!

Remember: For those that are friends with me on Facebook: SHHHH! I am telling people but not all my acquaintances on FB yet! ;)

YEA for my tater tots (our affectionate name for them until we know the sexes LOL)

I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him" - 1 Samuel 1:27

I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart. - Jeremiah 1:5

Riley and Peyton mommy and daddy love you so much. Love each other and hug Nana for me! Watch out for your baby brother/sister(s) on Earth and keep bringing mommy peace. :) We will never, ever forget you.

NOTE: For those that this post may have bothered I totally understand if you don't wish to continue to read my blog. I plan to keep my blog the same and will discuss this pregnancy and my losses simultaneously so I understand if some can not handle that. For me my loss and my current pregnancy are intertwined - so they will stay that way on this blog. Thank you for understanding!

smell located!

OKAY Ewwwww!!!

I do NOT know how those food hoarder people live in their junk! Because if the tiny bit of food I left could smell THAT bad I can't IMAGINE what their houses smell like!

We have a Hamilton Grill and it has like a little tray that holds the grease - ya know when cooking burgers? So the GRILL got cleaned off but in my haste I failed to clean out the nasty grease trap! YUCK!

No idea why that would smell like FISH but that was it and I have now emptied it and I STILL feel like I could vomit (sorry for the TMI).

NASTY!

Well crisis averted! Glad it is not a dead animal!

A gross post vacation homecoming....

Soooo long time no post! I know, I know - shame shame on me. I will explain the length in between posts at some point but as for now I will get on to this post.

We went on a long (incredibly TOO long) road trip to see my husband's family. We drove from Buffalo, NY to Virginia Beach, VA (it took 13 hours) then the following night we drove from there to Summerville, SC (another 7 hours). We had one day off then drove BACK to VA (another 7 hours) and then one other day off and all the way back to NY (11 hours). EEK! FAAARRRRR too much time in a car! The time NOT spent in the car was very enjoyable though - I love my husband's family. Wish they lived around here. While I totally love my FIL my MIL drives me NUTS and sadly she does live around here ;) LOL go figure!

On to the point.... we had rented a car so my mom picked us up at the airport and we ate dinner with her and she brought us home. Upon coming into the house there was a nasty smell. I swear to you that in our hallway it smells like a DEAD FISH! nasty nasty nasty!

I swear to you I have smelled EVERYTHING in my apartment and can't find where this smell is coming from! My cat doesn't go outside so she could not have brought a dead thing up here. The fridge doesn't smell, the oven doesn't smell, the sinks don't smell, no old potatoes (because that's happened before and they SMELL), NOTHING! I don't get it!!!!!! I'm gonna clean the fridge anyways but I swear to you if I didn't know better I would assume there was a dead fish in the hallway wall! YUCK!

I literally just massively cleaned this whole apartment so it makes no sense to have this smell. I mean honestly even before it was cleaned this smell would make no sense (It wasn't THAT messy)!

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!