Day 29 & 30

Day 29 - Dreams for the next 365 days....

Dreams for the next year:

* Getting a teaching job next school year
* Getting full time subbing (a job every day) - I need this to happen in the next month or two because my unemployment could be gone!)
* Have a baby or at the least get pregnant
* My husband to finish school
* My husband getting a better job
* All in all many of the above deal with dreaming our financial situation will improve!
* Win the lottery (lol - I barely ever play so that's not much possible)
* Have the dream of buying a house become a bit more realistic
* Continue to lose weight - so far in 2 weeks I have lost almost 5 pounds!

Day 30 - Dreams for the future...

* Having children - as many as God will grant me before I get too old
* Having a full time art teaching position
* My husband doing a job he went to school for (computers)
* Owning a house near my family in the country
* Someday I dream of traveling - I would love to go to Italy, Paris, Australia, New Zealand, London, California, to see the Grand Canyon.... and so much more. If I can do any of it that would rock! But the family aspect is the biggest dream!

Mainly I want the american dream - Stable jobs and finances, owning a house, and having a wonderful big family to take care of..... is that too much to ask LOL ;)

I would post more but I am off to haunted houses and dinner with my husband. I have some pictures to post maybe tomorrow. I've been painting away so I have not had a chance to put any up :)

Cheers & Jeers #1

Ok so I have always loved to read the Cheers & Jeers section of TV magazine and other magazine so time for Jessica's Cheers and Jeers for the past week.... hopefully this will become a new thing because it took me awhile to make that nifty Cheers and Jeers picture ;)

CHEERS for the movie "Rabbit Hole" it seems as though this is a BLM movie worth watching - especially since it could help make non BLMs understand a bit more...

JEERS to Marie Claire for posting the article entitled: Should fatties get a room?  This article is full of hatred and bullying towards fat people and this girl's apology afterwards is downright ridiculous!

CHEERS to Glee a fun and fabulous Rocky Horror Picture Show episode! (side note: When Sue Sylvester mentions "fatties" we can all realize she is supposed to be a total jerk so we can laugh because she's great at being a jerk!)

JEERS to all the stupid networks having repeats on next week!

CHEERS to the ABC network for some great Halloween episodes. Modern Family, The Middle, and Cougar Town were some great Halloween fun for the whole family... we need more family sitcoms on TV!

JEERS to people that tell BLMs to not think about their babies so often...maybe then they will feel better! Don't try to "help" us (if that's what you think you are doing) when you have no idea what we are going through!




I hope that you enjoyed my first Cheers & Jeers :)

Day 28 - what's in your purse

A whole lot of receipts I should probably throw out. And then a bunch of boring crap. LOL - sorry I have no interest in listing all of it....

Day 27 and Journey through the UNFAIR

If you read this long post - you rock - if not I understand.... <3

Stop on over to Audrey's Little Light she is doing a GIVEAWAY :)

Day 26 - My worst habit

My worst habit in general I guess is biting my nails and biting my lip - which oddly enough I JUST did before reading this post. By biting my lip I mean if there is a dry piece of skin I will pull it off with my teeth and then (time like today) it took a chunk of good skin and now my lip is bleeding.... gross and not too bright I know!

I figure I quit smoking over 4 years ago so if some bloody lips and nails are all I have then it could be worse I have had FAR worse habits (that I have spoken of before) than this!

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In a few weeks I will be singing the song below at church. It is quite powerful so if you have a second I would appreciate it if you watched it (lyrics are in the video) before you read my post.




For starters - I will do my best to post a you tube of me singing after I sing at church. Given my last one did not yield any negative comments LOL.... anyways

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I have my days where life just seems a bit unbearable. (This does not mean you should get worried about me I am okay!) Where shutting the light out and hanging with my cat and some TV is plenty...enough to keep me sane. There's a whole different struggle (in my opinion) for those of us that believe in God. I am a Christian - I've said it many times on here - I have been as long as I can remember - since I was very young. As the song above sort of speaks to we believe that God's will may not be our own but He has our backs. He knows what is best for us. For those that do not believe that I guess handling such loss would be different. I don't think in EITHER case it is easy to handle the loss of a child - OBVIOUSLY it is not - nor will it ever be!

It is difficult to deal with understanding God's will on a regular basis on the journey of life...for instance breaking up with someone you loved, losing a job, etc.... then I have to deal with God's will when it comes to taking both my children to Heaven. That's a whole other ball of wax right there. I'm sure some of you are reading this thinking oh she is one of THOSE BLMS - the "everything happens for a reason" and "God knows whats best" - if it upsets you to hear such things I am sorry but we all have our beliefs. Feel free to stop reading my goal here is not to make others upset. Just to get some thoughts/battles off my chest.

Sooo as a Christian you lose a child and you think the same thing I'm sure we all thought right away - WHY ME? What did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished? So on and so forth.... Once given weeks or months or however long to think through all the hell that comes with such a loss you are left to wonder WHY this is God's will - WHY is this best for me - WHAT good could possibly come of this. So after losing Riley I did not nearly grieve enough for one but I developed the thought that there is the chance that Riley had some horrible genetic abnormality and was never going to live and God knew this so He took Riley to Heaven. So when I found out I was pregnant with Peyton a small part of me thought that all would be well. God's timing was not right last time but this time would be good. Mind you I said a small part of me thought that. Sadly that SMALL part of me was present the day I found out Peyton was no longer alive and that small part of me was crushed to death that day. In that horrible room. The second horrible ultrasound I have had in that room. Two out of two - NOT good odds. I don't know if that small part of exists anymore. I'm not saying I have no hope. I have hope. But when it comes to being pregnant again sadly I have to say that mainly I will be filled with fear and worry. Because - guess what? - THE LAST TWO TIMES I LET MY WORRY AND FEAR GO I LOST MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not to say I think I will be a worrisome wreck with a crazy blood pressure or anything. But I will be worried. I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER go to a doctor's appointment alone - EVER! My husband may not be able to come to every one but someone freaking will! All these feelings are being dredged up because well TTC time can start happening soon. I have to have a dye test to see if my uterus has any issues like a septum or something that could be causing problems. I doubt they will find anything but better safe then sorry. I said I wanted everything checked and that's what's happening! We already know I have no blood disorders or anything. All I want him to check now is pregesterone issues & to see if either of us are carriers of a genetic abnormality gene that can be passed. After that he's sticking me on some pills and off we go.

It's weird that I feel worried that they have found nothing wrong. Should I be happy about that? They keep telling me I am normal - short of a slightly underactive thyroid - but I just feel like two lost pregnancies doesn't seem to happen to normal people. Most I would think find out a reason! But that is the pet peeve I hate - not knowing a reason. It can just eat me up inside. I'm sure it does happen to people with no issues but - still - I don't know I wish I could buy a pregnancy guarantee or warranty - SOMETHING that would make me KNOW without a doubt I was going to have children in the future. If only...

Well anyways I guess the point is I struggle. I believe in God - I know He is supposed to have my best interest at heart - but I wish life didn't have to suck SO much right now. I wish I didn't have SO much to worry about. My unemployment may run out soon, I need to start getting sub jobs daily... money sucks (if someone wins the lottery shoot me some cash that you can spare because I need it) I am supposed to start paying my school loan back (its been deferred while on unemployment) and I at this point just don't need the money worry when I'm worried about having babies and getting my HSG surgery soon. I just don't need it all. My family doesn't need all the stress they have. I know Job was tested to see how strong his faith was... well if this is my test I would say I have gone through a lot.... I would say my - what seems like a year but is really 8+ months - of complete and total pain and grief and sorrow - could be enough. I have not lost faith. So I hope that soon my shattered life that I am laying before the Lord will not be unredeemed....


For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. - Jeremiah 29:11-12

But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."  
- Jeremiah 17:7-8


Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy miss you so much!

Day 25 & 26 - and a bullying article about "Fatties"

Day 25 - My day in great detail

Well I should have posted this yesterday soooo yesterday I slept in, showered, went to my parents to do my laundry. Watched some HGTV while waiting for the laundry to be done. After about 2 hours I left with my laundry completed and came home. I had a quick salad for lunch and then went to my hair appointment at 2:30 - showered my hair stylist my earrings I make - she bought 3 pairs (I sell them 3 for $20) and then waxed my eyebrows and cut my hair. Which made it an even trade LOL I gave her the $20 back. After that I talked for awhile with someone who knows I am a BLM. Little did I know however that she also lost a child. She was going through chemo and had NO idea she was pregnant until 5 months! Not long after though - because of chemo treatments and what not - she found out the baby had died. We talked about our faith though through such tragedy and all in all it was comforting. I mailed out two pairs of peacock feather earrings I had just sold in my Etsy shop and then I went to the grocery store got a pumpkin and some other stuff and then came home. After that I watched some t.v. shows and went on the random number generator site and choose my giveaway winners. Then made pancaked and eggs for me and my husband. Some more t.v. and other boring things and I went to bed way too late....

Day 26 - My week in great detail

BORING - Ummmm I was sick so not much happened
Last Monday - sick, enough said (lost 3.2 lbs. on weight watchers) - watched tv on the couch,  Last Tuesday - repeat of Monday - Last Wednesday - starting to feel better, went to an unemployment meeting, picked up sonograms at my doctors office, got my tattoo touched up, Last Thursday - Not feeling great again - more couch time - Last Friday - read blogs - went out with Nate to see Hereafter and ate at Outback Steakhouse - yummy! Saturday - bummed around the house - Sunday - Church, groceries, watched t.v., painted - Monday - laundry, posted giveaway winners - Today (Tuesday) - Painted, watched a whole lotta Lifetime Movie Network. Yep I'm boring - but hey - to each their own right?


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Ok on to bigger and better things (or in this womens opinion bigger and grosser)
CHECK OUT THIS LINK AND READ THIS ARTICLE and the stupid pointless apology at the end...

Overweight Couples on Television - Marie Claire



THIS below was my comment on the site after reading this filth:

"I was DISGUSTED that this article was published. I don't think that you deserve to be a writer if you are going to write articles filled with hate. Honestly in your "apology" if you can call it that - you actually made it WORSE! Saying that you did not MEAN to hurt people or be offensive - give me a BREAK! Do you think "fatties" can't READ! Because guess what we CAN! Did you think no "morbidly obese" people would read this - because I'm sure they have and I'm sure they will! Congratulations on creating a name for yourself by being a size-est bullying disgusting person. And seriously saying that you will give people TIPS to lose weight! Really how full of yourself can you POSSIBLY be. I seriously hope you read ALL of these comments and that you realize what a completely ignorant person you are. It is NOT easy to lose weight - for some with certain biological issues it can be downright impossible (I know a few). So get down off your skinny little high horse and look around the world - Obesity is rampant - making nasty hateful comments is not going to get it to go away. People like you are not going to make it go away. Have a heart woman - maybe your hateful attitude is why you need to "marry your job" and I would say that marriage could end once Marie Claire realizes how many people canceled subscriptions because of your stupidity. At your age you should know better. How dare you say fat people kissing grosses you out - what are you 4 years old? Seriously! Exceptionally skinny people can be gross to me but I don't go around and write an ARTICLE about it! Get over yourself. And while you are at it maybe think of a better apology... because the one your wrote is pointless."


Society makes me so sad sometimes.... the title of my comment was " You should be BEYOND ashamed of yourself!"

Sometimes people just make me SICK!


Riley & Peyton momma loves you and I am glad you are someplace where you will never deal with such hate. All you know is love and that makes me smile. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and miss you more than I can describe.

And the giveaway WINNERS are.......

WINNER #1 is - MARY! 

Mary is the fabulous women who created Micah's gift - head on over there and check it out - it's touching how she puts our babies names on growing grass!

She also blogs at Blessed Not Crazy and is a wonderful mother to seven children including her angel Micah Quinn. We know that our babies
brought us together and they are hanging out in
Heaven smiling down on us. I know one day Mary and I will meet each other, and our angels!

Through reading Mary's story she inspired me to want to give my angels names! I am forever grateful to her. Also if you read the comments she stated how she has wanted to purchase an angel plaque for Micah since she saw them but is saving every cent to buy a house. So I am THRILLED to make this for her!

Mary - head on over to my store's blog - click on the PLACE AN ORDER page - click on the angel plaque form and fill it out :) When you submit it I will know what to make you!! :)


I JUST decided I wanted there to be three winners. SO the I did two more random generators :) Cause I'm cool like that!
 
Winner #2 is - Angela! 

Angela is the amazing mother of Charlotte she blogs Little Bird
She is a wonderful women and I have been following her
journey the entire time I have had my blog (since 8/30/10) she
is a strong, brave, wonderful woman!

I would love to make you an accordian book, frame, or bracelet!
If you are totally in love with the angel plaque or something else I have made I'm not good at saying no - so I will make that if you would prefer LOL)

Angela - head on over to my store's blog - click on the PLACE AN ORDER page - click on the appropriate order form for whichever item you would prefer (honestly don't feel bad - pick whichever!!) and fill it out :) When you submit it I will know what to make you!! :)



Winner #3 - JAIME!

She is a wonderful women who has such a heart for the Lord! She blogs over at Forget-me-not Oh Lord. She is a mother of two, one
of which includes her angel baby. I am so glad to know her :)

I would love to make you an accordian book, frame, or bracelet!
If you are totally in love with the angel plaque or something else I have made I'm not good at saying no - so I will make that if you would prefer LOL)

Jaime - head on over to my store's blog - click on the PLACE AN ORDER page - click on the appropriate order form for whichever item you would prefer (honestly don't feel bad - pick whichever!!) and fill it out :) When you submit it I will know what to make you!! :)



Thank you to everyone for entering! I WILL be having another giveaway. When I sent my story to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope I said that I would do a giveaway - sooo whenever that is posted on their site I will be sure to let all of you fabulous ladies know :)  Also if that takes awhile I may just get bored and do another one LOL ya never know!

Last day to enter my GIVEAWAY! & Day 24

CLICK HERE TO GO TO MY GIVEAWAY POST

(So yea I'm super excited about my giveaway I stinking LOVE to make things for other people! If only I loved making stuff for myself as much maybe our bedroom would have some paintings in it LOL)

Day 24 - Where do you live

I live in the Buffalo, NY area. My first pet peeve and issue with living in NY is that MANY (way way too many) people seem to think I live near New York City! I DO NOT! For those of you who think that - there is a whole freaking STATE not just the little island of NYC! Get with it ;) 

SO (note picture) case in point - I live VERY far from NYC :) So you can imagine when I lived and taught in North Carolina and the adults (mind you not just my students) asked me if I was going to WALK to Times Square to see the ball drop I was SLIGHTLY astounded! Even when I explained that I live near NIAGARA FALLS (ya know CANADA) they still did not find it odd to ask me that question HELLOO geography people geesh!  

(That's like the lady on Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader - she got asked which other country shared the largest border with the U.S.A. - she went hmmmm "Canada or Mexico - Yep - Mexico" and hit the button!!! AHHHH - needless to say she was NOT smarter than a 5th grader - or most people for that matter - good grief)

Anywho Niagara Falls is old news to me I have lived here my whole life LOL - I did realize upon moving though that we live near a VERY large mall (200 + stores) I am not a big shopper at all (much happier making art and watching t.v. - malls are more like places to go see a movie to me LOL) but when I lived in NC and needed a dress boy was I sad with my shopping choices - I guess I am spoiled living near such a mall.

Hmmm other than that - I am sure in future blogs you will hear many angry tones through my typing about all the crappy freaking snow - and probably pictures. Those that don't deal with it will go "oh how cool so much snow" those of us that live in it DO NOT think it is cool! Cause we have to DRIVE in it and shovel it and well it down right sucks. 

LOL so I am a Western New Yorker (no I do not have a NYC accent LOL that is stricktly for those in NYC) I have a northern accent I suppose. I do have a whole lotta sarcasm (which I also learned in the south is not so normal) and though I hate snow I will probably live here forever. That's the hope anyways - close to family and those I love.

Momma loves you Riley and Peyton! SO SO SO much!!!! xoxoxo

Day 22-23 & GIVEAWAY!

First of all it is exceedingly important that you enter my GIVEAWAY! I posted the giveaway in yesterday's posting!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THAT POST!!!

Day 22 - A website that has been meaningful to me since my loss


Faces of Loss, Face of Hope

This website was the first place that I told my story after reading some other stories. I also credit this website with me starting this blog. IF Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope did not give you the option of leaving a blog at the end of your story I may have never come in contact with all of you wonderful ladies who I cherish SO much :)

WHAT A BLESSING!!!


Day 23 - A YouTube video that makes me laugh




*This next one does have a baby in it - fair warning in case this is a trigger for anyone*

Please enter my giveaway!

This giveaway is for an ANGEL PLAQUE (pictured to the left)!! This normally sells for $30 in my store - IF for some reason you do not want an angel plaque you may choose one item from my store (or gallery if you prefer) that would be sold for the same or less amount. If you would like something that is more than $30 then you can have that much off the purchase price listed at the store :) COOL RIGHT?




And mind you this is giveaway #1 so there shall be more giveaways :) :) Yeaa! I'm excited for this - so get your comment on... you have FIVE ways to enter!  

BE SURE TO LEAVE A SEPARATE COMMENT FOR EACH ENTRY THAT YOU DO!!!

REMEMBER EACH PERSON CAN ENTER UP TO FIVE TIMES (read below) :)

1. Follow my personal blog and leave a comment
2. Follow my store's blog and leave a comment
3. If you already follow my store, leave a comment
4. If you already follow my personal blog, leave a comment
5. Post about my store on Facebook, leave a comment
6. Post to your blog, leave a comment
7. Grab my store's button (in the right hand column), leave a comment

(remember leave a separate comment for each entry!)

I will announce the winner on Monday evening! So you can free to enter until then :) I will use a random number generator to choose who will win :)

Sickness/Dream silliness/Upcoming giveaway & Day 21 - A recipe

FIRST of all - I will be starting my store's GIVEAWAY tomorrow! It will last for a few days to give you all a chance to do what you must do to enter (details to come tomorrow) and then I will choose a winner with a random number selector :) SO KEEP A LOOK OUT FOR THAT TOMORROW!!!!

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I started feeling better yesterday but I had a bit of a cough still... not bad though. UNTIL I went to sleep then COUGH COUGH COUGH - Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! It was awful I barely slept at all until my husband went to work and then I didn't have to worry about waking him up so I managed to get about 4 hours of sleep or so.... Well don't ya know that now that it's night time again my cough is starting up again GEESH - my aunt said to put Vick's vapor on it would help the cough go away... she even said to put it on the bottom of my feet... I hate the stuff but I am willing to do it if it will help - worth a try.....

On a similar note I woke up at like 8 in the morning laughing my butt off LOL (NO idea what I was dreaming about haha) then I went UGH I need more sleep and just went back to sleep.... LOL - too funny right?

SOoooo I still need you ladies to give me suggestions on books I can read about other BLM's I want more personal stories rather than statistic type books. SUGGESTIONS PLEASE!!!!!

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Day 21 - a recipe
I choose a weight watchers recipe that I LOVE!!!! Seriously if you like pumpkin give it a try!! SUPER easy to make too :) :) :)

Weight Watchers Pumpkin Mousse

(1.5 points per cup)

Ingredients:

• 2 small packages of instant sugar-free vanilla pudding
• 2 cups of no-fat (skim) milk
• 1/2 teaspoon pumpkin spice
• 15 ounce can of pumpkin
• 8 ounces of fat-free Cool Whip

Directions:

1. Make pudding first with the 2 cups of skim milk.
2. Fold in the rest of the ingredients - spice, pureed pumpkin and Cool Whip.
3. Serve!

Day 20 - A hobby and how it has changed since your loss...

Day 20 - A hobby and how it has changed since your loss...

So ever since I learned about ATC's (Artist Trading Cards) I have loved making them. For those that don't know ATC's are pieces of art that are the size of playing cards (2.5 x 3.5 inches) that can be traded for other ATC's.

Sooo... here are some that I made before my loss....

Day of the Dead ATC

Two ATC's to make one butterfly - with metallic paint

Made this one for my hubby when we were dating...

Photo collage ATC

Biblical reference ATC

2 Cor. 4:18

As for more recently - the ATC's I have made have been for BLM's here are a few:

For Leslie's sweet babies

For Annette's sweet baby

For Brigette's sweet boy

For Priscilla's baby boy

 So my art has changed because now I make it mainly for BLM's which before I didn't... before it was a world I knew nothing about....

Another hobby is making Altrered Books. This mind you is a hobby I have not visited in a couple years so it hasn't changed since my loss but here are pics of the first one I made (sorry some pics are on the side but I couldn't switch them)....

Front cover

Pockets...

Painting...stitching

Matchbox drawer... picture of me and my cousin with my great grandma

Pages cut in half.... Angel photo (you'll recognize that from my blog's button!)

Who said finger painting was only for kids?

Cover and back... "Any Woman's Blues"

Riley & Peyton momma loves you very much... I will think of you always and never forget you...

The Game of Life? Or Operation?

I am watching the 5^th season of Little House on the Prairie and Mary just lost her baby. They did not mention how far along she was but the doctor knew she was having a boy so she had to be further along. This is the second time someone lost a baby on this show. Her mother's son when he was less than a year old during the first season. Baby loss is sad. They don't cover the effects that this sort of loss has on a woman's life really during the show but it's still interesting that so long ago it was even a subject in the show!

Anyways....

I was thinking last night when I was reading “A Replica of a Figment of my Imagination” by Elizabeth McCracken that I would love some more books to read on baby loss. Ones such as this one and “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith – memoir type books. I don't really care to read informational type books that will spit out a bunch of statistics at me I'd prefer to read about others experiences. SOOOO I would LOVE for you fabulous ladies to suggest some books to me!!!! Please comment and give me some titles and authors :)

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Also, as I was reading something made me think... grief is very IN YOUR FACE. It's very difficult to run away from grief, to run away from sorrow. As soon as you have a moment or time when things seem a bit brighter, sorrow is lurking around the corner ready to pounce. It's like a sad version of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. The difference is instead of being annoyed when Tigger pounces you are balling your eyes out when sorrow pounces. I can't say I myself have had a good cry in quite awhile but I have been thinking a lot the past couple days. Probably because deep down my grief stricken body knew that yesterday marked two months since we said goodbye to Peyton. It's been 8 months, 1 week and 2 days since we said goodbye to Riley. 

If only there was an escape hatch to an alternate universe where my babies were alive...

I was telling someone today about all the loss we have gone through and he said if I were you I would just adopt and not have to deal with all that pain possibly again. Sure adoption is a possibility maybe at some point but there is the issue of the expense and then the pain that could come with that. For instance the parent backing out at the last minute, etc. It's still loss, just a different sort. I highly doubt it's easier. Loss is loss. It sucks. 

I feel sometimes like that guy in the game “Operation” like I'm lying all open for everyone to see on some table. That the world is able to view all my pain. See all the ugliness and horror of my loss through my bright red blinking nose. Of course I feel that way but that is not the case... Sometimes I think people may think I am just fine. For instance today I went to my doctor's office and signed a release so that I could be given my sonogram pictures (I have never had them). This morning when I left I remembered that the one nurse their said that her son would love a paracord bracelet (I would sit and make them in the waiting room when I was pregnant and waiting to go into my appointment). So I just decided to take her one to give to her son. She said she had no money on her and I said “I'm just giving it to you I don't expect me you to pay me!” She was very happy and smiled and I was glad that she liked. She said she would be ordering stuff from me soon. I thought that was nice. All I could think when I was waiting for the sonograms was that the nurse copying my sonograms must think – wow she's really over this good for her! Not so much! So she handed me the sonograms and I went out to the car and looked in the envelope and it was just the print outs explaining the sonograms... I was like UGH no. I want the pictures! So I went back in and explained. She said that would take longer and I could come back tomorrow to get them. I said that was fine as long as they had them and “that was all that I have”. Sad but true. Those are my only pictures of Riley and Peyton. I truly hope that they have the sonograms of both my babies. I want pictures of both of them. They are my babies. I want to remember them. Sadly both sonograms were the ones that were done when I found out they were no longer alive. But just as baby loss mommas have photos taken of their still born children I still want those pictures.

Someday I hope to have a sonogram picture to put in a scrapbook of my living children. Someday. I hope we all get that someday.... 

Sometimes I just feel like the world is playing Operation as my broken heart is ever present. Butterflies are always in my stomach or they are in my heart flying around through my grief. I have writer's cramp sometimes from my blog entries, and my stomach (bread basket) that previously had too much food is in the midst of the turmoil of a diet. My wish bone is lost because I may be out of wishes. I'd just like the ones to come true that I have asked and prayed for... I don't need more. Is that too much to ask? I hope not. I would just like a child on Earth. Hopefully more than one. Losing my children has made me think twice about how many I want to have. I'm open about that. Open to what the Lord has in store for us. If it's a lot of children I couldn't wish for more other than jobs to provide for them...

So hidden or not – in my mind there are days where I feel like a walking sandwich board for miscarriage. A billboard for grief. I guess that's life. I wear my heart on my sleeve so please don't break it. It's already missing far too many pieces....

If you made it this far – thanks....I'm long winded as for days I was just answering questions....

Day 19 - a Talent of yours

Day 19 - a talent I have....

Well contrary to my sarcastic over confidence I am not a huge fan of talking up what I am good at. But since it is a question I will answer it...

I would say the first thing I would think of as a talent that I have would be singing. I have sung since I was a child. This is the only recording I have that I can post on here so I am sure many have seen it - but this is when I sang 'I will carry you' by Selah at church. I sang for my babies... (if you heard it all ready feel free to ignore...)





Another talent would be art - I was choosing between going to school to be an art teacher or a music (vocal) teacher - but given I can't read music AT ALL it seemed art was the only choice LOL! The main artistic things that I have done lately are make wedding boards for people that order them. Here are four examples:

I make other things too like baby boards and name boards and what not such as the ones below:

I fear tomorrow may be a bit of a repeat post because this talent is also sort of my hobby.... oh well.

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I'm still sick :(  Last night I woke up a variety of time coughing so bad because I was choking on phelgm - gross I know! Sorry... Sooo I'm just hoping after this week is out I will feel better - at least by the weekend!!!

UGH!

No one should have to summon this kind of strength....

I sat at the doctors today waiting for a normal check up... I'm sick which obviously has nothing to do with babies. And yet..... sitting in the doctors office I was thinking how much the doctors table was similar to a table at the Obgyn. Exactly the same minus the fabulous foot holders. The room has the same sterile quality, the same cold appearance. A room, like all doctor's rooms, seemingly not privy to the sadness that has occurred within it's walls. I started to think back about when everything went wrong. When my world started to cave in around me....

I had some spotting when I was pregnant with Riley and the second time that I called the emergency line they told me to schedule an ultrasound for as soon as possible. When I went in for that sonogram and they started it I had no clue what I was looking at, no clue how to look for a heartbeat. So when the nurse left the room to get the doctor me and my husband were still in awe that we had just seen our baby! When the doctor came in my crazy stupid naïve self was STILL thinking everything was fine. Then those two world crashing words came out to play..... “No heartbeat” ….. that is when my life changed. When the old me went away. Even then I don't think I fathomed that I would never be the same.

The second time around I had seen the heartbeat a meer three days before hand but when I went for a normal exam with the doctor he found not heartbeat with the fetal doppler. The ultrasound confirmed and this time I should have known when I saw no heartbeat the first ultrasound that something was wrong. Three days before it was easily viewable but when I had to go to the bathroom and come back for the second ultrasound for some reason I was still not worried. I said a little prayer but I still had not lost hope. Stupid naive me again. I should have known what was coming. Two words that this time I was alone to hear.... "No heartbeat".... this time my world shattered again and there was no holding it in I had no one to lean on - I walked out of that office through a room FULL of pregnant women - all by myself. NO ONE should have to summon that kind of strength. No one should have to suffer that kind of loss. That naive part of me is gone. I know all too well there is not a "safe" moment in pregnancy. No time when you don't have to worry that something will go wrong. Does is help to worry? No. But will I be able to help it? I highly doubt it.....

It's impossible I think to even understand the depths of how miscarriage effects your life. Literally IMPOSSIBLE to know or even remember what was different before you lost your child (or in my case children). You watch movies where children die, television shows where a woman has a miscarriage but is there ever anything that dares to delve into how that loss changed the person? Not often. Honestly I can not think of a single movie that revolves around how losing a baby effects a woman's or a couples' lives (and I have seen THOUSANDS of movies). Sad really. I mean sure we all experience loss differently – we all have different processes we go through. But for all other sorts of loss you could probably find plenty of main stream movies or main stream tv shows that cover that as a topic. But baby loss? Not so much. So we should all suffer in silence? NO! Not me – not many of us here in Dead baby blog land (DBBL). I AM A MOM! Riley & Peyton are my CHILDREN! They always will be and I will think of them every day that I am on this green Earth.

I wish that the world and society would be more open to discussing such loss. Sure it is horrible and sad and no one WANTS to think about it but 2,000 babies die every year. Most likely you or someone you know or MANY people you know have been effected by miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, etc. 1 in 4 pregnancies are! That is a LOT!!!! So why not educate society on such a loss. Why not take away the naïve thought that getting pregnant is the hard part? Someone has a 25% chance of getting pregnant each cycle. Once pregnant you have a 25% chance (if not more given your circumstances/age/etc.) of having a miscarriage! So I'd say if anything it is harder to keep the pregnancy than it is to get pregnant. I have had early miscarriages but I know many people in DBBL that went full term and their sweet baby did not live. Well past the viable stage and their baby did not live. That is why I know that when I get my next BFP I will not tell the world. I will be terrified. I will be worried. That naïve happy pregnant me left over 7 months ago. She is gone. She will not be back. I pray I will be a happy mommy to a living baby one day but a naïve happy pregnant worry free woman. That I will never be. Time will not change anything when it comes to that.

“There is no way for such an event to leave you who you are” - From “An exact replica of a figment of my imagination” by Elizabeth McCracken

Momma loves you Riley & Peyton! You will always be my babies and I will never forget you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S. - for those who read this whole post - I love you for that :) Please do not worry about me I am truly okay. I know those mommas out there who understand my pain get this. Those who have not experienced the loss of a child please realize we have our days where the memories flood back through the cracks. It does not mean we need 'help' it just means I wanted to write about it. Remember this helps me - do not be hurt by my sadness - but pray for all us baby loss mommas. Pray that we can summon the strength through this loss even though it is a strength I wish none of us needed....

"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

—Isaiah 41:10

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

—Ephesians 3:14-19

Day 18 - My wedding (in pictures)

I got married to my husband Nathan on June 14, 2008 (yes I know that it's flag day, though I never knew before then LOL). It was a large wedding, over 300 people attended though the wedding was not extremely expensive which was nice :)  It was a wonderful day followed by a wonderful honeymoon in Lake Placid, NY in the Adirondack Mountains.

My wedding dress

My beautiful flower girls...

Me and my dad

During the ceremony

Watching our friends sing the beautiful song "The Prayer" (it's in my playlist to the right)

Getting ready to light the unity candle

Lighting the unity candle

Our first kiss as husband and wife

end of the ceremony

the entire bridal party

My parents and sister

me (back then I had long hair LOL)

entire bridal party

entering the reception

us with our wedding cake made by my fabulous cousin

this picture proves that my husband got more cake on me then I did on him ;) He said I was worse till I showed him this!

my husband getting some cake

My hair's up cause it was SO hot that June

always comfort first - flip flops!!!!

my bridesmaids

Me and my cousins sweet little girl (my flower girl)

Dancing at the reception

My crazy husband and some of his groomsmen and friends (this is their metal face LOL) 

The groomsmen all changed in to 70's outfits for the reception

Our metal faces... LOL.... upon seeing this picture my cousins little girl said "why is nate crying" LOL

A beautiful day before loss entered my life...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I cancelled my appointments I had today. I couldn't do it I still feel awful. I went to the doctor he says I have some sort of infection and put me on amoxicillin - hopefully it helps... On the one positive note of the day - I got my wedding rings back today :) :) :) I have not been able to wear them for about 3 months. They were very tight so when I found out I was pregnant I immediately took them off. So I had to take them in to be resized... and they are back :) YEA!


Momma loves you Riley & Peyton. I think of you every day!