Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day 27 and Journey through the UNFAIR

If you read this long post - you rock - if not I understand.... <3

Stop on over to Audrey's Little Light she is doing a GIVEAWAY :)

Day 26 - My worst habit

My worst habit in general I guess is biting my nails and biting my lip - which oddly enough I JUST did before reading this post. By biting my lip I mean if there is a dry piece of skin I will pull it off with my teeth and then (time like today) it took a chunk of good skin and now my lip is bleeding.... gross and not too bright I know!

I figure I quit smoking over 4 years ago so if some bloody lips and nails are all I have then it could be worse I have had FAR worse habits (that I have spoken of before) than this!


In a few weeks I will be singing the song below at church. It is quite powerful so if you have a second I would appreciate it if you watched it (lyrics are in the video) before you read my post.

For starters - I will do my best to post a you tube of me singing after I sing at church. Given my last one did not yield any negative comments LOL.... anyways


I have my days where life just seems a bit unbearable. (This does not mean you should get worried about me I am okay!) Where shutting the light out and hanging with my cat and some TV is plenty...enough to keep me sane. There's a whole different struggle (in my opinion) for those of us that believe in God. I am a Christian - I've said it many times on here - I have been as long as I can remember - since I was very young. As the song above sort of speaks to we believe that God's will may not be our own but He has our backs. He knows what is best for us. For those that do not believe that I guess handling such loss would be different. I don't think in EITHER case it is easy to handle the loss of a child - OBVIOUSLY it is not - nor will it ever be!

It is difficult to deal with understanding God's will on a regular basis on the journey of life...for instance breaking up with someone you loved, losing a job, etc.... then I have to deal with God's will when it comes to taking both my children to Heaven. That's a whole other ball of wax right there. I'm sure some of you are reading this thinking oh she is one of THOSE BLMS - the "everything happens for a reason" and "God knows whats best" - if it upsets you to hear such things I am sorry but we all have our beliefs. Feel free to stop reading my goal here is not to make others upset. Just to get some thoughts/battles off my chest.

Sooo as a Christian you lose a child and you think the same thing I'm sure we all thought right away - WHY ME? What did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished? So on and so forth.... Once given weeks or months or however long to think through all the hell that comes with such a loss you are left to wonder WHY this is God's will - WHY is this best for me - WHAT good could possibly come of this. So after losing Riley I did not nearly grieve enough for one but I developed the thought that there is the chance that Riley had some horrible genetic abnormality and was never going to live and God knew this so He took Riley to Heaven. So when I found out I was pregnant with Peyton a small part of me thought that all would be well. God's timing was not right last time but this time would be good. Mind you I said a small part of me thought that. Sadly that SMALL part of me was present the day I found out Peyton was no longer alive and that small part of me was crushed to death that day. In that horrible room. The second horrible ultrasound I have had in that room. Two out of two - NOT good odds. I don't know if that small part of exists anymore. I'm not saying I have no hope. I have hope. But when it comes to being pregnant again sadly I have to say that mainly I will be filled with fear and worry. Because - guess what? - THE LAST TWO TIMES I LET MY WORRY AND FEAR GO I LOST MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not to say I think I will be a worrisome wreck with a crazy blood pressure or anything. But I will be worried. I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER go to a doctor's appointment alone - EVER! My husband may not be able to come to every one but someone freaking will! All these feelings are being dredged up because well TTC time can start happening soon. I have to have a dye test to see if my uterus has any issues like a septum or something that could be causing problems. I doubt they will find anything but better safe then sorry. I said I wanted everything checked and that's what's happening! We already know I have no blood disorders or anything. All I want him to check now is pregesterone issues & to see if either of us are carriers of a genetic abnormality gene that can be passed. After that he's sticking me on some pills and off we go.

It's weird that I feel worried that they have found nothing wrong. Should I be happy about that? They keep telling me I am normal - short of a slightly underactive thyroid - but I just feel like two lost pregnancies doesn't seem to happen to normal people. Most I would think find out a reason! But that is the pet peeve I hate - not knowing a reason. It can just eat me up inside. I'm sure it does happen to people with no issues but - still - I don't know I wish I could buy a pregnancy guarantee or warranty - SOMETHING that would make me KNOW without a doubt I was going to have children in the future. If only...

Well anyways I guess the point is I struggle. I believe in God - I know He is supposed to have my best interest at heart - but I wish life didn't have to suck SO much right now. I wish I didn't have SO much to worry about. My unemployment may run out soon, I need to start getting sub jobs daily... money sucks (if someone wins the lottery shoot me some cash that you can spare because I need it) I am supposed to start paying my school loan back (its been deferred while on unemployment) and I at this point just don't need the money worry when I'm worried about having babies and getting my HSG surgery soon. I just don't need it all. My family doesn't need all the stress they have. I know Job was tested to see how strong his faith was... well if this is my test I would say I have gone through a lot.... I would say my - what seems like a year but is really 8+ months - of complete and total pain and grief and sorrow - could be enough. I have not lost faith. So I hope that soon my shattered life that I am laying before the Lord will not be unredeemed....

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. - Jeremiah 29:11-12

But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."  
- Jeremiah 17:7-8

Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy miss you so much!


  1. Jess,
    I would totally shoot you some cash if I won the lottery, but since I don't play I think we're out of luck. I hope you get regular subbing jobs soon. I am sorry for all the medical crap you are going through too. I think that having no answers is totally worse than being told they found out what is wrong. If they find a reason then they can fix the problem and it won't happen again, but without knowing why we are just afraid that it is just going to keep happening. I'm with you, I would love to have a pregnancy guarantee. Too bad we can't. I am praying that a whole crapload of happiness is right around the corner for you. I am praying that at the end of all this medical mess you can post some cute pictures of Riley and Peyton's little brother or sister.

    Riley and Peyton,
    Please put in a good word for mommy. Please talk to God and let Him know how much you would like happiness for your mama and how you would love to have a little brother or sister to watch over. Please ask God to please please fill mommy's empty arms. Oh, and be sure to play and have lots of fun everyday. We all love you both so much.

  2. It is so difficult to trust God at times like this but he is really the only one you can. It's sort of a catch 22.
    If I win the lottery I will send you some money for sure!! In fact I'll fly to Niagara Falls in my private jet and book the best suite at Casino Niagara, you and hubby can join us for a wild weekend! lol

  3. I am so sorry. I dont blame you for feeling the way you do and worrying the way you do. You are so sweet and so strong!! Much love your way


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