Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Game of Life? Or Operation?

I am watching the 5th season of Little House on the Prairie and Mary just lost her baby. They did not mention how far along she was but the doctor knew she was having a boy so she had to be further along. This is the second time someone lost a baby on this show. Her mother's son when he was less than a year old during the first season. Baby loss is sad. They don't cover the effects that this sort of loss has on a woman's life really during the show but it's still interesting that so long ago it was even a subject in the show!


I was thinking last night when I was reading “A Replica of a Figment of my Imagination” by Elizabeth McCracken that I would love some more books to read on baby loss. Ones such as this one and “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith – memoir type books. I don't really care to read informational type books that will spit out a bunch of statistics at me I'd prefer to read about others experiences. SOOOO I would LOVE for you fabulous ladies to suggest some books to me!!!! Please comment and give me some titles and authors :)


Also, as I was reading something made me think... grief is very IN YOUR FACE. It's very difficult to run away from grief, to run away from sorrow. As soon as you have a moment or time when things seem a bit brighter, sorrow is lurking around the corner ready to pounce. It's like a sad version of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. The difference is instead of being annoyed when Tigger pounces you are balling your eyes out when sorrow pounces. I can't say I myself have had a good cry in quite awhile but I have been thinking a lot the past couple days. Probably because deep down my grief stricken body knew that yesterday marked two months since we said goodbye to Peyton. It's been 8 months, 1 week and 2 days since we said goodbye to Riley. 

If only there was an escape hatch to an alternate universe where my babies were alive...

I was telling someone today about all the loss we have gone through and he said if I were you I would just adopt and not have to deal with all that pain possibly again. Sure adoption is a possibility maybe at some point but there is the issue of the expense and then the pain that could come with that. For instance the parent backing out at the last minute, etc. It's still loss, just a different sort. I highly doubt it's easier. Loss is loss. It sucks. 

I feel sometimes like that guy in the game “Operation” like I'm lying all open for everyone to see on some table. That the world is able to view all my pain. See all the ugliness and horror of my loss through my bright red blinking nose. Of course I feel that way but that is not the case... Sometimes I think people may think I am just fine. For instance today I went to my doctor's office and signed a release so that I could be given my sonogram pictures (I have never had them). This morning when I left I remembered that the one nurse their said that her son would love a paracord bracelet (I would sit and make them in the waiting room when I was pregnant and waiting to go into my appointment). So I just decided to take her one to give to her son. She said she had no money on her and I said “I'm just giving it to you I don't expect me you to pay me!” She was very happy and smiled and I was glad that she liked. She said she would be ordering stuff from me soon. I thought that was nice. All I could think when I was waiting for the sonograms was that the nurse copying my sonograms must think – wow she's really over this good for her! Not so much! So she handed me the sonograms and I went out to the car and looked in the envelope and it was just the print outs explaining the sonograms... I was like UGH no. I want the pictures! So I went back in and explained. She said that would take longer and I could come back tomorrow to get them. I said that was fine as long as they had them and “that was all that I have”. Sad but true. Those are my only pictures of Riley and Peyton. I truly hope that they have the sonograms of both my babies. I want pictures of both of them. They are my babies. I want to remember them. Sadly both sonograms were the ones that were done when I found out they were no longer alive. But just as baby loss mommas have photos taken of their still born children I still want those pictures.

Someday I hope to have a sonogram picture to put in a scrapbook of my living children. Someday. I hope we all get that someday.... 

Sometimes I just feel like the world is playing Operation as my broken heart is ever present. Butterflies are always in my stomach or they are in my heart flying around through my grief. I have writer's cramp sometimes from my blog entries, and my stomach (bread basket) that previously had too much food is in the midst of the turmoil of a diet. My wish bone is lost because I may be out of wishes. I'd just like the ones to come true that I have asked and prayed for... I don't need more. Is that too much to ask? I hope not. I would just like a child on Earth. Hopefully more than one. Losing my children has made me think twice about how many I want to have. I'm open about that. Open to what the Lord has in store for us. If it's a lot of children I couldn't wish for more other than jobs to provide for them...

So hidden or not – in my mind there are days where I feel like a walking sandwich board for miscarriage. A billboard for grief. I guess that's life. I wear my heart on my sleeve so please don't break it. It's already missing far too many pieces....

If you made it this far – thanks....I'm long winded as for days I was just answering questions....


  1. I cannot tell you how many times people have suggested adoption or even surrogacy to me after each loss. I so so appreciate everyones concern but that is not in our path at this time. We have not exhausted all of our options yet.

    *hugs* my friend!

  2. I really hope you get those pictures. That will be a real blessing! To have some sort of picture of your child will mean so much. I wish I had that. I am so glad you will.

  3. This is a beautiful entry love. <3

  4. My entries tend to be long now-a-days too. :-)It just helps to write - to sort through things. Good analogy with the operation game. I feel ya!

    Thanks for the comments on my blog, dear friend. I really appreciate your advice and kind words.



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