Monday, October 18, 2010
No one should have to summon this kind of strength....
I sat at the doctors today waiting for a normal check up... I'm sick which obviously has nothing to do with babies. And yet..... sitting in the doctors office I was thinking how much the doctors table was similar to a table at the Obgyn. Exactly the same minus the fabulous foot holders. The room has the same sterile quality, the same cold appearance. A room, like all doctor's rooms, seemingly not privy to the sadness that has occurred within it's walls. I started to think back about when everything went wrong. When my world started to cave in around me....
I had some spotting when I was pregnant with Riley and the second time that I called the emergency line they told me to schedule an ultrasound for as soon as possible. When I went in for that sonogram and they started it I had no clue what I was looking at, no clue how to look for a heartbeat. So when the nurse left the room to get the doctor me and my husband were still in awe that we had just seen our baby! When the doctor came in my crazy stupid naïve self was STILL thinking everything was fine. Then those two world crashing words came out to play..... “No heartbeat” ….. that is when my life changed. When the old me went away. Even then I don't think I fathomed that I would never be the same.
The second time around I had seen the heartbeat a meer three days before hand but when I went for a normal exam with the doctor he found not heartbeat with the fetal doppler. The ultrasound confirmed and this time I should have known when I saw no heartbeat the first ultrasound that something was wrong. Three days before it was easily viewable but when I had to go to the bathroom and come back for the second ultrasound for some reason I was still not worried. I said a little prayer but I still had not lost hope. Stupid naive me again. I should have known what was coming. Two words that this time I was alone to hear.... "No heartbeat".... this time my world shattered again and there was no holding it in I had no one to lean on - I walked out of that office through a room FULL of pregnant women - all by myself. NO ONE should have to summon that kind of strength. No one should have to suffer that kind of loss. That naive part of me is gone. I know all too well there is not a "safe" moment in pregnancy. No time when you don't have to worry that something will go wrong. Does is help to worry? No. But will I be able to help it? I highly doubt it.....
It's impossible I think to even understand the depths of how miscarriage effects your life. Literally IMPOSSIBLE to know or even remember what was different before you lost your child (or in my case children). You watch movies where children die, television shows where a woman has a miscarriage but is there ever anything that dares to delve into how that loss changed the person? Not often. Honestly I can not think of a single movie that revolves around how losing a baby effects a woman's or a couples' lives (and I have seen THOUSANDS of movies). Sad really. I mean sure we all experience loss differently – we all have different processes we go through. But for all other sorts of loss you could probably find plenty of main stream movies or main stream tv shows that cover that as a topic. But baby loss? Not so much. So we should all suffer in silence? NO! Not me – not many of us here in Dead baby blog land (DBBL). I AM A MOM! Riley & Peyton are my CHILDREN! They always will be and I will think of them every day that I am on this green Earth.
I wish that the world and society would be more open to discussing such loss. Sure it is horrible and sad and no one WANTS to think about it but 2,000 babies die every year. Most likely you or someone you know or MANY people you know have been effected by miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, etc. 1 in 4 pregnancies are! That is a LOT!!!! So why not educate society on such a loss. Why not take away the naïve thought that getting pregnant is the hard part? Someone has a 25% chance of getting pregnant each cycle. Once pregnant you have a 25% chance (if not more given your circumstances/age/etc.) of having a miscarriage! So I'd say if anything it is harder to keep the pregnancy than it is to get pregnant. I have had early miscarriages but I know many people in DBBL that went full term and their sweet baby did not live. Well past the viable stage and their baby did not live. That is why I know that when I get my next BFP I will not tell the world. I will be terrified. I will be worried. That naïve happy pregnant me left over 7 months ago. She is gone. She will not be back. I pray I will be a happy mommy to a living baby one day but a naïve happy pregnant worry free woman. That I will never be. Time will not change anything when it comes to that.
“There is no way for such an event to leave you who you are” - From “An exact replica of a figment of my imagination” by Elizabeth McCracken
Momma loves you Riley & Peyton! You will always be my babies and I will never forget you!
P.S. - for those who read this whole post - I love you for that :) Please do not worry about me I am truly okay. I know those mommas out there who understand my pain get this. Those who have not experienced the loss of a child please realize we have our days where the memories flood back through the cracks. It does not mean we need 'help' it just means I wanted to write about it. Remember this helps me - do not be hurt by my sadness - but pray for all us baby loss mommas. Pray that we can summon the strength through this loss even though it is a strength I wish none of us needed....
"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."