Day 13 - Fiction book

Day 13 - a fiction book that means something to me after my loss

Can't really say there is one. The only fiction books I have really read since my loss were a part of the Circle Trilogy but I had started them before my loss too so I can't say they had a great impact on me after my loss. I do love them though. They are by Ted Dekker - Red, White, Black, Green and then Chaos, Lunatic, Renegade and some others (those were not in order though LOL) I still have the last one to read (Elyon) since losing Peyton I have barely read it - been reading non-fiction books on miscarriage and other women's losses, etc.

So anyways - boring answer - sorry ;) I would write more but subbing tired me out today off to bed early to get an early start on jewelry tomorrow so I am prepared for the party :)

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Oh I did hear one thing today - first time I cried in public in quite awhile. Luckily it was between classes and I had a break the next period. The test results came back from the testing of the remains from the D & C - guess what? After waiting 7 freaking weeks - what did they find - NOTHING! It took them 7 weeks to tell me they could find nothing?!! What a waste of my time and energy - the nurse is like I'm so sorry - I'm like "m'am honestly the whole situation sucks this is the least of it it just is ridiculous to wait that long when the doctor said waiting would mean they would find something out. It's just frustrating" - she responded with "well try to have a good day" HA! Yea okay lady I have no answers to why I have lost both children - you just gave me more additions to the no answers box but I'll go "try to have a good day" GEESH! Anyways that was a crappy part of my day.... on a positive note I am having the jewelry party tomorrow and Friday I go with my parents to see Mary Poppins the musical! :) :) :) Me and Mary Poppins are like this (crosses my fingers) LOL - we go WAY back ;)


Goodnight Riley & Peyton I love you so much and I miss you every single day!

7 months ago...

- I became a statistic - part of the group of women who's first pregnancy ends in miscarriage (I am now part of a much smaller group of women who have more than 1 miscarriage)
- my heart broke for the first time
- I realized getting pregnant isn't really the hardest part
- my world came crashing around me and I left my doctor's office an image of my former self.
- I cried for hours
- I heard (unfortunately not for the only time) "there is no heartbeat"
- we lost our first child
- I was mad at the wrold
- All I could think was why was this happening to me
- All I could do was think I had done something to cause it...kept drinking diet pepsi because I didn't know I was pregnant, what if my weight caused it, what if I ate something I shouldn't have, what if I was such a bad mom already that my child had died so early.
- A lot of doctor's ticked me off
- I did not realize that it would be 2 weeks more that I would carry my child before my D & C
- I found out about our baby and then had to drag myself to work the next day
- I was crushed, I didn't know how I would survive
- I started an anonymous blog and barely wrote in it... I did this because I did not want to be judged by people who thought I had no right or reason to talk about such a loss (trust me now I could care less what those people think)
- I had to tell my mom and dad their grandchild was no longer alive, my sister that she would not be an aunt, and not too long after that (a month or so) EVERYONE else that I was no longer pregnant "it hadn't worked out"
- I had a lot of people look at me in horror almost disgusted shock because I had told them I had a miscarriage
- I wished I could crawl into a hole for a very long time
- I knew no other BLM's who I could talk to (unlike now and I love all you ladies!)
- I was thinking of being a mommy and loving it
- My husband and I were so excited about our surprise baby
- I had bleeding before my ultrasound and left work balling on the way to the doctor
- Even though I thought things were bad I still did not expect what the visit entailed
- I saw an ultrasound of my first child and had no clue what anything was because it was my very first one ever.
- I did not know that there was no heartbeat until they told me (unlike 3+ weeks ago when I did know that I saw no heartbeat)
- I became a mommy to my angel baby
- I couldn't breathe...sometimes I still can't
- Miscarriage changed my life forever

On that awful day I cried more than I have cried in my entire life. I wished I could have gone in a soundproof padded room and screamed, kicked, and punched till I could no longer stand. I would still like to do that now so if anyone could help me out with that I thank you in advance (just kidding - well partially - cause that would be rather cleansing!)....

7 months ago I found out my angel was TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR EARTH and I will never ever be the same but I hope that this experience with God's help will change me in a good way and that I can help others through my pain. 16 days from now was my first angel's due date. Which will also be a month after I got my second D & C. So many painful memories in a small period. It happens to far too many of us. I pray that we can take that grief and turn it into good. Turn it into wonderful - at the very least help as many BLM's as humanly possible....


"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." - Revelation 21:4

My day mainly in pictures....

Today was a nice day and it started out with a BEAUTIFUL morning! Here are some pictures I took... I plan to carry my camera around everywhere now that I found a case to somewhat protect it :)

Picture out the car window on the way to the doctor's appointment

So the day started with a gorgeous blue sky and clouds and it made me smile :) We went to Wendy's drive thru to get lunch - total rip off! The specialist appointment was today and my husband and I both thought he was great. I got some bloodwork done to check for blood thinning, thickening issues etc. and a bunch of other stuff. He had them check my Hcg quantity because IF it wasn't back to normal yet it could effect one of the tests but he said that wouldn't be a huge deal. I have to get a HSG in a month or two - a dye test to see if my uterus could be causing my miscarriages. Given my D & C was only a couple weeks ago I have to wait to get this until after my second cycle. I hope this doesn't delay anything... we shall see. The doc said the testing of the remains could help tell more too once the results come back.

After the doctor we went to spend time with Nate's grandma, dad, and hid dad's girlfriend. It was nice :) His grandma as always commented about how she loved my hair but today she said she loved my "jazzy hair style" which I found to be extra cute. I find it amazing that his 87 year old grandma is jealous of my spiky hair cut! LOL Although my grandma prefers short hair so maybe older women just like shorter hair dos LOL!

IMAX - Nate told me I was a rebel for taking a picture! ;) LOL

Then we went to see Resident Evil: Afterlife in 3-D at the IMAX! FAN-TAB-U-LOUS! Loved it loved it loved it! Nate and I agree that was the beat one which is saying a lot! For the forth movie that is impressive - usually sequels get worse and worse. I hope they make more :) I'm a huge fan of sci-fi type movies and I don't mind a zombie or too. My biggest favs are the Alien movies! I get it from my dad ;)

Side note: I realized after the movie that was the first time in the past 3 weeks that for 2 hours I did not think about my miscarriages. That was an odd thing to realize. It made me feel a bit bad but I did not let it ruin my mood. Which I am proud of if I do say so myself!

Then we were hungry cause we are dinner early so we went to the one place in our area where you can get two different types of fast food. Taco Bell and KFC :) I got a chocolate bucket parfait with my chicken. I LOVE them - every time we went there when I was a child my mom would let us each get one! YUM! Gotta love things that remind you of your childhood!

LOL Nate making a silly face - KFC and Taco Bell in one building YUM!

Little bucket parfait - chocolate - from KFC - they remind me of my childhood - YUM!

Nate and I after the movie and eating :)

Hot chocolate!

Me and Gabby!

A cup of hot chocolate and a movie after our nice day out :) (and of course I had to write this blog LOL)
Have a lovely night here's hoping that tomorrow is filled with at least a little sunshine and some smiles :)

Goodnight my babies! Mommy and daddy love you very much. We miss you and wish you were with us...

The sad room

My body won't let me sleep.... Unemployment had already messed with my sleep schedule but since joining the baby loss bloggers my sleep schedule has become even odder. For now it does not matter. In the future when I return to work I must chase away my fear of sleep. I love to sleep don't get me wrong but when a week ago I said I wished I could remember my dreams I did not know what I was in for... in every dream since then I dream of something to do with my miscarriages or my angels. Whether it be discussing them with someone. Reliving the horrible sonograms or still being pregnant in my dreams. When I wake up it is either a relief to be out of that horrific reenactment or sad to remember ohhhh I'm not pregnant. This is my life as a baby loss momma.

The picture above was taken on my drive to the doctor's office. My view on the way there before the storm that arrived later. I feel like the weather was mocking me - haha it's pretty outside have fun in the office of horrors. Boy was it a horror. Awful! Mass amounts of pregnant women was not really my cup of tea for the day - i know - total shocker! I also got to enjoy what I have deemed the sad room. Check it out below.

THE SAD ROOM

This is the office where 1) I went to discuss my options after my first miscarriage. 2) I had my follow-up for my first D & C 3) I went when having bleeding with my second pregnancy (though that ended up being nothing I feel like it was in that room because it MAY have ended up sad) 4) I had my follow-up today about my last D &C. I will forever be afraid of the sad room. Honestly at this point I will forever be terrified of being pregnant though it is the one thing I want the most right now.

I will try to sleep now and hope I don't dream. Or if I do maybe I could have a dream about my future healthy rainbow baby. Wouldn't that be grand? I end this with a picture that displays the weather mirroring my visit to the sad room. Maybe my angels cried because they missed me.... Mommy misses you too angels, don't cry, I will sing you lullabies when I meet you in Heaven...

Not a fun appointment....

SO the storm began.... I had to leave for my doctor's appointment for the ever so exciting (note sarcasm) follow-up appt. about my D & C. The room of course was PACKED I mean literally. We were freaking sardines. There were two women there each with like 3-5 older children and the one woman's children were being insanely rude to people and she was doing nothing. It was awful I had been waiting an hour in a room filled with kids and pregnant women and I was so close to screaming I could barely breathe. So I asked how much longer I had to wait and they said 20 minutes but I was next. RIDICULOUS! I swear those people want to torture me. Last time I went there for follow up after my first miscarriage I had to wait TWO hours!

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Finally I got called in. Talked to the doctor briefly. As I expected the results from the testing of the remains from the D & C have not come in yet. He said they would tell me when they did... so we shall see. I told him I was going to see a specialist and he said the doctor I am going to is usually who he would send people to anyways. So that was good I guess. He told me most tests can't be done for 6-8 weeks which really just plain sucks. But oh well. I have learned all too soon how little control I have over any of this no matter how much I wish I did. I left with my file copies in hand to take to the specialist on Friday. Those crazy kids were harassing a lady outside (their mom was in with a doctor) and kicking her car. I felt like I was on Jerry Springer! Insane! But she got in the car and screamed at them and left. WOW!

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I looked through my file copies. They never told me this before but at my first ultrasound (6 weeks 5 days) my baby had a heartbeat of 120 beats/minute. My baby had a normal heartbeat. My little bean seemed healthy at one point. The doctor told me today that the remains showed tissue and cartilage was forming and the baby was a good size. I read my D & C results from Feb. it said my uterus was 7-8 weeks in size. That is further than I thought I was then. None of this does anything to help me of course but it's sad that the only proof of my babies are documents in my file that call them "intrauterine gestation" and that refer to my miscarriage as a missed abortion which I despise more than I could ever explain. I do not want the word abortion anywhere near my file. I did not choose to do this... My baby had a heartbeat once... 44 days ago that heartbeat was 120 beats/minute. But that was then....

Whether you are with me or not you will always be my sweet little baby beans. ALWAYS! Mommy and daddy will see you again one day. We promise. We miss you very much my loves...

Calm before the storm?

Today was a good day. There were no tears, not much sadness, and just a bit of unexpectedness at the end of the night. Today was a large improvement on yesterday. I credit this to my family. They pretty much rock. Which I know I have said before... I woke up, showered, and almost immediately went to my parents (a whopping few minutes away) to do my laundry as Monday is laundry day. Well given it is a holiday today both my parents were home (poor Nate had too work). So I started the laundry and sat down and began to paint one of my in progress wedding boards. Then I found a great movie.....Tremors! Stop laughing it is a classic! Love it love it love it....

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What was supposed to be a couple hours turned into all day and till like 9:30 at night. We ordered food which Nate picked up on his way home and then we played bid euchre.... SO much fun! Great game. Which my stupid headache would go away though. it's probably my body telling me to sleep. It should realize I never listen. I posted a pic of my henna design BEFORE I took off the paste. IN a few days I will post the after. I would like to state I am thrilled fall has begun to arrive. This summer was way to hot for western new york!

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So the unexpectedness at the end of the night was we were walking onto the porch to go inside after leaving my parents and a car pulls up. It is my mother in law who we have not seen in over a year or pretty darn close. She lives like 5 mins. away so it is weird that she has at least not seen her son but I digress.... that is not something I even remotely care to talk about. It was odd I did not know what to do so I stayed upstairs. Nate told me she wanted me to come down and just give her a hug and she would go. I said I was not mentally prepared for this and I don't want to talk about my miscarriage with her right now. I probably will never want to but surely not now! She was sweet just hugged me and said she was sorry. That was a relief. It went well... also unexpected. Life is quite the mystery....

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As for the calm before the storm title.... tomorrow is my doctor's appt. - follow up on my D & C. I am hoping the testing of the remains will be back but I am trying not to be too hopeful so as not to be disappointed. I am worried that there will be many tears. I dread a room full of people in general in my sometimes extremely fragil state. Tomorrow it will be filled with pregnant women. It won't be good. The pit in my stomach tells me there is no way that will be good. I also need to break to my doctor that I am going to a specialist to get testing instead of having him do it. He will live but I don't enjoy confrontation. Not like that will be an argument but given the choice I prefer to talk as little as possible lately (at least sometimes). Anyways. It's gonna be an interesting week. Hopefully filled with more smiles and less crying in front of people. That would be nice.


Mommy loves you sweet angels. Goodnight.

Crying through it all

Since I woke up today has been rough emotionally. I think it's my body's payback for yesterday being much calmer (haha). I had a wonderful time with Nate last night. A great meal and just a good date night in general. I enjoy those times. Just being near him makes it all a bit easier to deal with somehow.....

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This morning I went on a few new friend's blogs and was brave enough to go back on APA a forum I was on when I was pregnant. I had already announced my loss to the forum and I had not been on in over a week. I dared to enter my old due date room (March) and was horrified to read of someone else's loss! I cried for her as I read her post and her many questions about what would happen next. She asked about D & C's and if they made pregnancy harder in the future among other things. I wrote her and told her I had one with both of my miscarriages and that it is safe and should not effect future pregnancies. After a certain time it is best to get one to avoid infection... I wish I could help her. I wish I could take everyone's pain away through all this crap. It is awful! It sucks and no one should have to go through it. If only getting pregnant was the hard part and everyone who got pregnant had a healthy baby... wouldn't life be grand? But it's not that easy. We all suffer heartbreak and death but it shouldn't be so early. Oh how I wish it wasn't.....

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I have been sitting in this same spot for almost four hours.... My stomach is mad as in my sadness I have yet to eat... So I am going to get busy and clean and organize. I need the distraction. Hopefully when Nate comes home that will help. He always makes me feel better. I have some room organization to do and then friends are coming over who we have not hung out with in awhile. I think we are getting take out... which is good I barely feel like I can breathe let alone cook. The microwave is calling me and then off to do busy work. I remember when life was simple and I didn't have to distract myself so I wouldn't cry. I know that time will come when this will not be as hard. But it has only been 16 days since I found out and 8 since the surgery. It all seems like yesterday but at the same time like it's been a century of pain. The wind is blowing around outside like all the thoughts in my head. All the things that could have been but never will be. At least not with my two angels.... Mommy loves you, send some smiles down to me to take away my tears. I love you sweet babies and I always will....

The hope was smashed!

From now on my blogs will be written on the actual day (the past three entries were from an anonymous blog I had previously).

On 8/16/10 I was scheduled for my first full prenatal visit. (I had seen the heartbeat and had a good healthy ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days.) On the 16th (I was 9 weeks 6 days by the time this visit happened) the nurse met with me and got all necessary info and then told me they could probably show me the heartbeat quickly with a fast sonogram. Sure enough the tech added some color to the ultrasound and there was my baby's heartbeat again :) The doc was called to surgery so he could not do my exam I was scheduled to come back on 8/19/10.

I went the the next visit alone. It was a simple exam and I knew nothing could be wrong as I had had no issues since Monday. Well I was wrong. The doc did the exam and said all was well and broke out the fetal doppler. I was excited at the prospect of hearing my baby's heartbeat for the first time. He could not find it. He poked and pushed around with the doppler for at least 8 minutes and nothing! I was not worried I thought maybe my baby was shy. They asked me to come back in thirty minutes for an ultrasound. I was thrilled! I could finally show my husband a picture and see my little one again! I grabbed some food and ate and rushed back to the office excited.

The same tech from three days before did a regular sonogram and I knew as well as she did that you could not see a heartbeat. For some reason this STILL did not freak me out. I went to the bathroom to empty my bladder for the internal sonogram and quickly prayed that all would be well. I went back excited that this would be a more up close picture of my child. After a few seconds I knew it was all wrong. I looked at the tech and said "There's no heartbeat is there?" She said no and she was sorry - I immediately started balling so loud. It was happening again but this time I was alone. My world was crashing around me AGAIN and I could not control myself, I could not stop crying! She went to get the doctor to confirm the miscarriage. It seemed like they were gone for 15 minutes of which I sobbed loudly through. People in the office must have heard this, forget embarrassment, I felt like I was dying. I had to try SO hard not to smash my hand through the ultrasound machine. Not to rip the monitor off the wall and throw it out the window! I did not think I could go through another miscarriage. I was not strong enough... I just could not do it! I just kept asking God why! WHY? Why me? Why my husband? Why us?  It's hard not to blame yourself. Hard to not think that your body hates you. Why do you want something so bad and yet your body keeps killing your dream?

The doctor and tech returned. I sat and watched the cursed screen that confirmed yet again that some time between Monday and Thursday afternoon my child had died. I continued to sob through all of this as the doc tor told me it could be bad luck and to schedule and appt. next week to decided if I wanted surgery again or to see if it began to take care of itself. The staff was kinder this time around. Probably because they knew me now. They had all talked to me and now I was not some nameless face....I was a nice girl whose life was totally sucking right now! They said they were sorry as I walked out the door sobbing with bloodshot eyes through a room full of pregnant women.I immediately went home and threw my few cute maternity shirts in their bag, my early purchase of cute maternity shorts, all the magazine the doctor's office had given me, and any baby stuff into a bag in the back of my closet. I did not need to see it anymore because it was no longer happening. I needed no other reason to break down at the drop of a hat.

The next week I returned and discussed options with the doctor. I opted for a D & C because I did not think I could handle taking a pill and letting this happen at home. Also, surgery was a better option because we were having the remains tested to see if we could find a reason for this miscarriage. He said I could have it in two days (1 week and 1 day from when I found out it had happened). The scheduling nurse was unavailable and I was told she would call me to set up the surgery. I had kept my composure the whole visit but as I waslked through the room (again filled with pregnant ladies) and outside I burst into tears. Then  nurse knocks on my window and says the scheduling nurse WOULD like to talk to me now. I was like oh great geesh.... so I followed her in and waited. The surgery was set up and I went home. It was like a bad case of deja vu.

My surgery was on 8/27/10 and it went just fine. I cried from the minute they put me in the room to undress until the minute they knocked me out. Emotionally this was much harder you see because now I was part of only 1-2% of women who have more than one miscarriage. Now I did not view this as common as the doctor had made the first out to be. Now I knew I needed to find out why this was happening. I went home that day and rested. The following day I rested. I was praying the horrible cramps I experienced 3 days after the last D & C would not repeat themselves. Today they did. They come and go. So now I will go to bed and pray they stay away so I can sleep.

Every night before I go to bed I think...."If I was still pregnant I would be _____ along" or "In less than a month our first angel baby would have been born if I had not had a miscarriage" Every night I try my hardest to go to fall asleep NOT thinking about a baby. Try to get my mind on something else so I will not dream all is well and then wake to this reality................

After surgery # 1

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

I had a doctor really really piss me off on Tuesday. He told m that he couldn't fit me in for my D & C until 3 to 6 weeks from now. The receptionist said that I did not understand how much scheduling time there was and how much work needed to be done to get a surgery set up. I continued to tell her SHE didn't understand! This was my body that they were talking about so it was ridiculous!!! So I told the doctor he was insane and that I would go to another doctor. So I did. He actually set the appointment up for the day after I spoke with him. So I had my surgery today.

Given the situation I would say it went as well as I could expect. The people were very nice and I actually had the surgery an hour sooner then they said. The doctor was very compassionate and had a great bedside manner as he had had the day before when I met with him so that was a blessing. I cried a bit before they came in to put me under. This of course was not an easy situation to deal with. But by the time I made it to the surgery room a few seconds later I woke up and I was in the recovery room. I got to eat soon after and within a couple hours was home resting. I have the weekend to recover and then it's back to reality.

I am just glad to have this part of the battle over with and be able to move on. Miscarriages are a horrible thing to deal with and I still have a battle ahead of me....