Not a fun appointment....

SO the storm began.... I had to leave for my doctor's appointment for the ever so exciting (note sarcasm) follow-up appt. about my D & C. The room of course was PACKED I mean literally. We were freaking sardines. There were two women there each with like 3-5 older children and the one woman's children were being insanely rude to people and she was doing nothing. It was awful I had been waiting an hour in a room filled with kids and pregnant women and I was so close to screaming I could barely breathe. So I asked how much longer I had to wait and they said 20 minutes but I was next. RIDICULOUS! I swear those people want to torture me. Last time I went there for follow up after my first miscarriage I had to wait TWO hours!

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Finally I got called in. Talked to the doctor briefly. As I expected the results from the testing of the remains from the D & C have not come in yet. He said they would tell me when they did... so we shall see. I told him I was going to see a specialist and he said the doctor I am going to is usually who he would send people to anyways. So that was good I guess. He told me most tests can't be done for 6-8 weeks which really just plain sucks. But oh well. I have learned all too soon how little control I have over any of this no matter how much I wish I did. I left with my file copies in hand to take to the specialist on Friday. Those crazy kids were harassing a lady outside (their mom was in with a doctor) and kicking her car. I felt like I was on Jerry Springer! Insane! But she got in the car and screamed at them and left. WOW!

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I looked through my file copies. They never told me this before but at my first ultrasound (6 weeks 5 days) my baby had a heartbeat of 120 beats/minute. My baby had a normal heartbeat. My little bean seemed healthy at one point. The doctor told me today that the remains showed tissue and cartilage was forming and the baby was a good size. I read my D & C results from Feb. it said my uterus was 7-8 weeks in size. That is further than I thought I was then. None of this does anything to help me of course but it's sad that the only proof of my babies are documents in my file that call them "intrauterine gestation" and that refer to my miscarriage as a missed abortion which I despise more than I could ever explain. I do not want the word abortion anywhere near my file. I did not choose to do this... My baby had a heartbeat once... 44 days ago that heartbeat was 120 beats/minute. But that was then....

Whether you are with me or not you will always be my sweet little baby beans. ALWAYS! Mommy and daddy will see you again one day. We promise. We miss you very much my loves...