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My body won't let me sleep.... Unemployment had already messed with my sleep schedule but since joining the baby loss bloggers my sleep schedule has become even odder. For now it does not matter. In the future when I return to work I must chase away my fear of sleep. I love to sleep don't get me wrong but when a week ago I said I wished I could remember my dreams I did not know what I was in for... in every dream since then I dream of something to do with my miscarriages or my angels. Whether it be discussing them with someone. Reliving the horrible sonograms or still being pregnant in my dreams. When I wake up it is either a relief to be out of that horrific reenactment or sad to remember ohhhh I'm not pregnant. This is my life as a baby loss momma.
The picture above was taken on my drive to the doctor's office. My view on the way there before the storm that arrived later. I feel like the weather was mocking me - haha it's pretty outside have fun in the office of horrors. Boy was it a horror. Awful! Mass amounts of pregnant women was not really my cup of tea for the day - i know - total shocker! I also got to enjoy what I have deemed the sad room. Check it out below.
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| THE SAD ROOM |
This is the office where 1) I went to discuss my options after my first miscarriage. 2) I had my follow-up for my first D & C 3) I went when having bleeding with my second pregnancy (though that ended up being nothing I feel like it was in that room because it MAY have ended up sad) 4) I had my follow-up today about my last D &C. I will forever be afraid of the sad room. Honestly at this point I will forever be terrified of being pregnant though it is the one thing I want the most right now.
I will try to sleep now and hope I don't dream. Or if I do maybe I could have a dream about my future healthy rainbow baby. Wouldn't that be grand? I end this with a picture that displays the weather mirroring my visit to the sad room. Maybe my angels cried because they missed me.... Mommy misses you too angels, don't cry, I will sing you lullabies when I meet you in Heaven...
I usually remember all of my dreams, no matter how mundane or crazy. But for the months following my miscarriage I couldn't remember anything. I don't even know if I had dreams. I consider that a blessing, especially after reading your story.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Yea I agree. I don't remember what I dreamed of last night though I woke up refreshed. So I would like to think it was a happy dream that if I remembered may have made me sad (if if was me with a baby etc. - always great till you wake up and it's not real!) so I feel blessed this morning :)
ReplyDeleteI remember that sad room too. I still relive seeing our baby on the ultrasound and hearing the doctor sigh before telling us Drew passed away. The past four months have been a nightmare, and I still find myself thinking I will eventually wake up. I am so sorry for your losses. My heart is with you and your angels. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteJessica, I am so sorry for your losses. My heart breaks for you and I am thinking of you. Thank you for the lovely comments you made on my blog.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
Thank you Allison - it has been hard and will continue to be. If only people other than BLM's could get that!
ReplyDeleteAnd Michelle you are very welcome! :)
I am so sorry for your loss!! Loss is such a hard road to travel and go through. Sending much love your way!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Brigette :)
ReplyDelete