My body won't let me sleep.... Unemployment had already messed with my sleep schedule but since joining the baby loss bloggers my sleep schedule has become even odder. For now it does not matter. In the future when I return to work I must chase away my fear of sleep. I love to sleep don't get me wrong but when a week ago I said I wished I could remember my dreams I did not know what I was in for... in every dream since then I dream of something to do with my miscarriages or my angels. Whether it be discussing them with someone. Reliving the horrible sonograms or still being pregnant in my dreams. When I wake up it is either a relief to be out of that horrific reenactment or sad to remember ohhhh I'm not pregnant. This is my life as a baby loss momma.
The picture above was taken on my drive to the doctor's office. My view on the way there before the storm that arrived later. I feel like the weather was mocking me - haha it's pretty outside have fun in the office of horrors. Boy was it a horror. Awful! Mass amounts of pregnant women was not really my cup of tea for the day - i know - total shocker! I also got to enjoy what I have deemed the sad room. Check it out below.
|THE SAD ROOM|
This is the office where 1) I went to discuss my options after my first miscarriage. 2) I had my follow-up for my first D & C 3) I went when having bleeding with my second pregnancy (though that ended up being nothing I feel like it was in that room because it MAY have ended up sad) 4) I had my follow-up today about my last D &C. I will forever be afraid of the sad room. Honestly at this point I will forever be terrified of being pregnant though it is the one thing I want the most right now.
I will try to sleep now and hope I don't dream. Or if I do maybe I could have a dream about my future healthy rainbow baby. Wouldn't that be grand? I end this with a picture that displays the weather mirroring my visit to the sad room. Maybe my angels cried because they missed me.... Mommy misses you too angels, don't cry, I will sing you lullabies when I meet you in Heaven...