Wednesday, September 8, 2010

For those who worry about me...

I added a new page (you can see it above) titled "Why do I write?" I am copying it below. I feel as though some family/friends, etc. think that now that I am writing I am depressed, etc. This (in my opinion) should explain why they are wrong. If you still think there is something wrong with me after reading it. I don't what to tell ya. You're just wrong..... P.S. the angel picture is a new button I created with a picture I took myself - you can grab the button from the right hand column if you would like :)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

Some may read this and think this is depressing. Think that this is going to make me think of everything everyday and relive the pain.... those who think that most likely have never experienced miscarriage or infant loss of any kind. That is okay (I have gotten many wonderful comments from my facebook friends who have never experienced this pain). But if you were to see the large amount of women who blog about their angels and comfort each other... well you would realize you are wrong. The blogs I follow are nothing compared to how many women are out there.

Those who know me well know that I have been through a lot of emotional pain in my life. I suffered through depression all through high school and through most of college. About 8 years. Trust me when I say if I can admit to people how down I was then (I'm not going to discuss it a ton because it is not a factor now that was the past) I surely would tell someone if I needed help now. My BLM's (Baby loss mom's) are my support. Nothing is more comforting than to speak to someone who knows your pain. This is my therapy - this is helping me.

"I sought comfort and advice...the best...came from those who had faced the same trials. Only a bereaved knows the bereaved, I discovered. It's as though we had all stepped into an exclusive room no others could see." - Janet Oakley

I realize that you (friends, family, facebook people) may be thinking - you went through this back in Feb. - you were over it very quick. I wasn't. This sort of loss does not go away. It is always there. If anything my silence - for fear of being judged - did nothing but increase my sadness with my second more recent loss happened. I had not fully mourned my first angel and now I am mourning both together. I love both my angels with all of my heart, losing a second baby just made it all flood back. Just because I did not talk about it often last time does not mean that now that I am talking something is wrong. It means that I should have all along. But were it different I may not have met these ladies... so it was meant to be that writing did not start until now...

Some hold there emotions in... I cannot any longer. Been there, done that, did me no good! It was bad when I was depressed and I refuse to not express myself while going through this sad journey. Do not think that this is a short lived project! Maybe I will write this blog for years... even after I have children (I have to believe that will happen one day soon). The loss of a child/children does not go away. They are a part of my heart and always will be. So please realize this is my journey, my loss, do not think I have a problem. I am okay... I am better than I would be were I not writing this blog. I am being comforted by many wonderful BLM's and hopefully comforting others at the same time. Miscarriage has changed my life forever but this is my way of helping others and myself! Taking the negative and turning it to positive as much as I can.

There will be sad entries, probably many, but there will be happiness, hope, and faith in God to get me through! This is my life right now. This is my journey through loss. I will always miss my angels. I love them more than I can even express. The below quote says it best....

"Grief cannot be hurried. It cannot be forced. It doesn't go away just because the rest of the world thinks there is a certain number of days to finish it up or because tears at odd junctures are unsettling. Grief has its own timeline, its own rhythm." - Janet Oakley

I write because I love my sweet angels and I always will. I write because I am a mother of two and they are not here with me so they will live through my words.  They will live in my heart, because they were too beautiful for Earth.

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