Wednesday, September 8, 2010

3 weeks...

(First of all - for those close to me who are overly worried that I am too "sad, etc." please read the blog I wrote directly before this or check out the page above titled 'Why do I write?")


It was almost 7 months ago that my heart first broke. When I realized sometimes getting pregnant is not the hard part. 18 days from now would have been our first baby's due date... Sometimes even when you think something won't happen to you, you can still become part of a sad sad statistic.

Today (though not till around 2pm) three weeks ago my heart broke again. I thought I was safe and would hear my baby's heartbeat but he/she had joined their sibling and I was left to cry in front of people I barely knew. There was no heartbeat again. Again... my second child was in Heaven. Far far too much pain in a little over 6 months! I fear that I will never be worry free in future pregnancies - how can I be? Both times I stopped worrying and it was followed by heartbreak. Not that one could ever prepare themselves for such news. Not like someone who wants a child so badly can not fall in love with the baby inside them.... of course that will happen.

I sent out some little gifts and cards to some of my BLM penpals. It brought me joy to make things that could bring a smile to others who are hurting like me. I enjoyed making the little gifts and writing the cards. I hope that they find these ladies well and bring even a tiny amount of joy to their day.

The outside world "the real world" mainly views miscarriage talk as taboo. Something we should all shut up about and get over - we should put on our big girl pants because it wasn't meant to be - should be happy our babies are in Heaven.... well I will not shut up, I have my big girl pants on already, and I am NOT happy my babies are gone. I will never be "happy" they are gone! A part of me will always be with them. But I wish they were still with me.... Mommy loves you!


I have been reading "About what was Lost: 20 writers on miscarriage, healing, and hope" and today I have been reading "I went out full" by Emily Bagelon & Dahlia Lithwick (one of the writings in the book)
Here are some quotes that hit home today.....

"Mis-carry: the word itself creeps with guilty error, as if you've carelessly dropped something you were meant to hold...So when you miscarry it's hard not to feel like you did something wrong...Other women who'd miscarried...helped me take my grief seriously...I held onto the idea that I was joining a sad but wise tribe...Which makes me wonder why the common assumption persists that it's better, or in better taste, to grieve for the loss of a pregnancy in private... Shouldn't we be talking openly about this much more often, so that we're better prepared for the grief when it hits us?" - Emily

"I think we all falter around miscarriage because society has no scripts for dealing with it, and never has. There are no rituals, no expectations no Hallmark cads for miscarriage - as there are in abundance for illness, death, even the loss of a pet. For the lack of such scripts, women who miscarry endure most of it in silence and solitude...I also suspect that with a handful of shining exceptions, the people who best knew how to be with us through all this HAD endured it." - Dahlia


I created a button for my blog with a picture I had taken... I love it :)
Also today seemed a fitting time to start "Heaven's Doves" - check it out. Feel free to request a free dove(s) for your baby/babies. And grab the button I created for that page so that others may know about it. I often think of birds as being free spirited, soaring through the sky... seems fitting. I hope everyone else likes it too.

Goodnight my sweet babies. I will sing you lullabies when I meet you in Heaven one day. All the one's I would have sang to you when you were in my arms....You will never be forgotten. I love you so much!


  1. just had a thought....quite a while after i was reading your blog.
    I think that God has given you these children because He knew how much you would love them. Some people pass off abortions or early losses as nothing and you and others are carrying on their memories and souls with love and purpose. I can't say that the grief you are going through now would be worth it (because i dont know how you are feeling) but i think YOU had been chosen to carry those lives that God decided to cut short because He knew that you would love them as much as He does.
    GOD BLESS YOU Jess <3

  2. Thanks so much Kourtney! That is an unbelievably sweet thing to say :) Soon I hope that we can love a baby hear on Earth. Though it will be scary to be pregnant again I know I am meant to be a mother. :)

  3. How sweet you are to think of other baby loss mamas while you are grieving so much. You are a special person! Sending much love your way!


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