Crying through it all

Since I woke up today has been rough emotionally. I think it's my body's payback for yesterday being much calmer (haha). I had a wonderful time with Nate last night. A great meal and just a good date night in general. I enjoy those times. Just being near him makes it all a bit easier to deal with somehow.....

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This morning I went on a few new friend's blogs and was brave enough to go back on APA a forum I was on when I was pregnant. I had already announced my loss to the forum and I had not been on in over a week. I dared to enter my old due date room (March) and was horrified to read of someone else's loss! I cried for her as I read her post and her many questions about what would happen next. She asked about D & C's and if they made pregnancy harder in the future among other things. I wrote her and told her I had one with both of my miscarriages and that it is safe and should not effect future pregnancies. After a certain time it is best to get one to avoid infection... I wish I could help her. I wish I could take everyone's pain away through all this crap. It is awful! It sucks and no one should have to go through it. If only getting pregnant was the hard part and everyone who got pregnant had a healthy baby... wouldn't life be grand? But it's not that easy. We all suffer heartbreak and death but it shouldn't be so early. Oh how I wish it wasn't.....

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I have been sitting in this same spot for almost four hours.... My stomach is mad as in my sadness I have yet to eat... So I am going to get busy and clean and organize. I need the distraction. Hopefully when Nate comes home that will help. He always makes me feel better. I have some room organization to do and then friends are coming over who we have not hung out with in awhile. I think we are getting take out... which is good I barely feel like I can breathe let alone cook. The microwave is calling me and then off to do busy work. I remember when life was simple and I didn't have to distract myself so I wouldn't cry. I know that time will come when this will not be as hard. But it has only been 16 days since I found out and 8 since the surgery. It all seems like yesterday but at the same time like it's been a century of pain. The wind is blowing around outside like all the thoughts in my head. All the things that could have been but never will be. At least not with my two angels.... Mommy loves you, send some smiles down to me to take away my tears. I love you sweet babies and I always will....