Sunday, September 5, 2010

Today should have been a happy day

If it was a happy day I would have:

* told everyone I was pregnant because I would have been in the 2nd trimester
* been overjoyed and so thrilled to sing to my baby during worship songs at church
* woken up happy and looking forward to seeing friends and family
* posted on my facebook that I was pregnant and everyone would have congratulated me in excitement
* worn my cute 'baby' shirt my mom bought me at a maternity store 3-4 weeks ago
* been able to wear makeup with no fear
* smiled a heck of a lot more
* not dreaded setting foot in a building filled with so many people who had no clue my heart was broken
* not had to fake smiles as I was too sad to tell people I had a miscarriage because no one knew I was       pregnant
* been loving whatever sign of a bump I had


Instead today was not a happy day. Today was a sad sad morning and I:

* barely talked to anyone because I didn't have it in me to tell people today
* could not sing worship songs because I started crying
* woke up feeling okay until I remembered what today was
* posted nothing on my Facebook except this blog that will show up on there
* wore my memorial necklace and bracelet and definitely no 'baby' shirt
* had to go to the bathroom 5 minutes in and wipe off all my mascara and eyeshadow so I would not have black streaks
* smiled the best I could so I would not have to explain my sadness
* was scared to be around so many people and immediately went to the bathroom upon our arrival
* said I was 'alright' to a lot of people. Little did they know that 'alright' meant terribly sad
* sat with a sweatshirt on my stomach because I'm back to feeling fat and needing to lose weight


I received my memorial jewelry yesterday (pictured in an earlier entry) and that was a nice relief after a long morning/afternoon of sadness. I made earrings to go with them yesterday (pic on my photo journey page). But I did realize what today was when I went to bed last night so I do not know why I woke with the delusion that I could wear my jewelry and makeup and all would be fine. my body lies to me! Once we got out of the car and started walking towards the building I said to my husband 'This is not going to be good' I went in, went to the bathroom. Gathered my wits and went out to get a seat with him. As soon as I put my purse down and sang about two words the tears started coming... it was worse than I thought it would be!
I went to the bathroom AGAIN! I cam back with a massive handful of Kleenex and all my eye makeup washed off. Nate asked me if I wanted to go (which was very sweet of him) and I said that I would live. We could stay. I couldn't even sing a worship song at my seat and yet on Oct. 10th I plan to sing about my babies in front of everyone - oh geez I need to get a lot farther in my journey in the next month!


So obviously during the service I do not need to talk to people so that went off without a hitch. Then it ended. Cue the horror music. This was not good - yet again. I went downstairs and again went to the bathroom. Of COURSE there were like 6 people in there (mind you this NEVER happens but of course today it did!) I was horrified. As I think I mentioned I know a LOT of people at my church. Some are relatives, some might as well be because I have gone there my whole life. So needless to say I cannot blend into the wallpaper so to speak. So my aunt was in there and a couple other people I knew. One of these people knew (other than my aunt she obviously knew) and hugged me with a huge smile on her face and said "I know someone who has 6 miscarriages and then had 4 kids be happy like she is that you will meet your babies in Heaven." Okay I have few issues with this. One I was crying so being happy was not in my realm of possibilities at that time. Two if one more person told me a story about someone who has 6 miscarriages I was literally going to SCREAM!  Three I - of course - believe my babies are together in Heaven but while this brings some peace and maybe just possibly I will be able to say this makes me 'happy' this time is not now. I am upset. I do not blame God or anything like that but it will take me awhile or maybe I will never be able to say my babies being in Heaven makes me 'happy'. While I understand the sentiment it just makes it obvious that people who say these things have NEVER been through this before.


However there are others that have also never been through it and handle it much better. I mentioned a friend from church that sent me a card in my 'Quotes through grief" page. I ran into her and thanked her so much and she was a blessing. really calmed me down in the midst of the sea of people that could have upset me. I thank her for that (if she is reading this she knows who she is)!! :)  Thank God for such blessings.


So I escaped outside with my aunt after that and told her everything that was going on next week. Seeing my doc for a follow up about the D & C and seeing the specialist about testing. So on and so forth. It was rather drawn out for I apologize to her (if she is reading this LOL) for talking up a storm in the rather chilly outdoor weather. But I thank her for letting me talk and getting the heck out of that people filled emotional torture. I still don't much know how to handle this. With my first pregnancy people knew early on so news traveled fast around church and people found out about the miscarriage and those who didn't I got to tell them when they asked how the pregnancy was going. Me response was usually followed by a horrified look which I am sure no one realizes they do but oh my gosh it makes me mad. So today I figured it would be even WORSE given people had no idea I was pregnant in the first place. So I couldn't do it.

It's not because mommy is ashamed of you my darlings but it was just to hard today. Mommy is not strong enough just yet. I would shout my love for you to the rooftops if it wasn't for all the crying. I love you so so much.

So those who do not know will get the picture when I sing "I will carry you" by Selah on Oct. 10th (I will have a powerpoint with the words and then the dates of my angels and afterwards something about Oct. 15th being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day).... so by then people will get it. If they don't someone will end up telling them. So for now I can handle surviving with my art, my blog, my music, my movies, my books, and my apartment (that is NOT filled with mass groups of people). I don't know if me and groups of people will work for awhile. I only have so much energy and I can't imagine having the strength to survive much group get-togethers. Maybe just maybe if people knew but maybe not. In a couple weeks I will not have a choice so until then....I will be right here.


I added many songs to my blog playlist today and a bookshelf and didn't do a whole lot other than that. It was a wasted day but my body felt pretty gone so sitting still was nice after such social shock this morning. I am going to put some henna on my hand (I will post a pic tomorrow) before bed (something I would not have done were I still pregnant). Tomorrow I have much painting to do. I do have things I want to do but it's so easy just not to move. So much easier..... Well, tomorrow is another day which will be followed up by a doctor visit. I imagine sooner or later (I hope sooner) I will have things to look forward to rather than things to dread (like sitting in a waiting room full of pregnant women)! Until then I have to carry on but one thing is definite: Miscarriage has changed me forever.

Goodnight my sweet angels. I wish you were with me. I wish it was all so different. I know you are happy and you want me to be too... Mommy's trying so hard. Daddy and I love you so very much. SO very much.....

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