The hope was smashed!

From now on my blogs will be written on the actual day (the past three entries were from an anonymous blog I had previously).

On 8/16/10 I was scheduled for my first full prenatal visit. (I had seen the heartbeat and had a good healthy ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days.) On the 16th (I was 9 weeks 6 days by the time this visit happened) the nurse met with me and got all necessary info and then told me they could probably show me the heartbeat quickly with a fast sonogram. Sure enough the tech added some color to the ultrasound and there was my baby's heartbeat again :) The doc was called to surgery so he could not do my exam I was scheduled to come back on 8/19/10.

I went the the next visit alone. It was a simple exam and I knew nothing could be wrong as I had had no issues since Monday. Well I was wrong. The doc did the exam and said all was well and broke out the fetal doppler. I was excited at the prospect of hearing my baby's heartbeat for the first time. He could not find it. He poked and pushed around with the doppler for at least 8 minutes and nothing! I was not worried I thought maybe my baby was shy. They asked me to come back in thirty minutes for an ultrasound. I was thrilled! I could finally show my husband a picture and see my little one again! I grabbed some food and ate and rushed back to the office excited.

The same tech from three days before did a regular sonogram and I knew as well as she did that you could not see a heartbeat. For some reason this STILL did not freak me out. I went to the bathroom to empty my bladder for the internal sonogram and quickly prayed that all would be well. I went back excited that this would be a more up close picture of my child. After a few seconds I knew it was all wrong. I looked at the tech and said "There's no heartbeat is there?" She said no and she was sorry - I immediately started balling so loud. It was happening again but this time I was alone. My world was crashing around me AGAIN and I could not control myself, I could not stop crying! She went to get the doctor to confirm the miscarriage. It seemed like they were gone for 15 minutes of which I sobbed loudly through. People in the office must have heard this, forget embarrassment, I felt like I was dying. I had to try SO hard not to smash my hand through the ultrasound machine. Not to rip the monitor off the wall and throw it out the window! I did not think I could go through another miscarriage. I was not strong enough... I just could not do it! I just kept asking God why! WHY? Why me? Why my husband? Why us?  It's hard not to blame yourself. Hard to not think that your body hates you. Why do you want something so bad and yet your body keeps killing your dream?

The doctor and tech returned. I sat and watched the cursed screen that confirmed yet again that some time between Monday and Thursday afternoon my child had died. I continued to sob through all of this as the doc tor told me it could be bad luck and to schedule and appt. next week to decided if I wanted surgery again or to see if it began to take care of itself. The staff was kinder this time around. Probably because they knew me now. They had all talked to me and now I was not some nameless face....I was a nice girl whose life was totally sucking right now! They said they were sorry as I walked out the door sobbing with bloodshot eyes through a room full of pregnant women.I immediately went home and threw my few cute maternity shirts in their bag, my early purchase of cute maternity shorts, all the magazine the doctor's office had given me, and any baby stuff into a bag in the back of my closet. I did not need to see it anymore because it was no longer happening. I needed no other reason to break down at the drop of a hat.

The next week I returned and discussed options with the doctor. I opted for a D & C because I did not think I could handle taking a pill and letting this happen at home. Also, surgery was a better option because we were having the remains tested to see if we could find a reason for this miscarriage. He said I could have it in two days (1 week and 1 day from when I found out it had happened). The scheduling nurse was unavailable and I was told she would call me to set up the surgery. I had kept my composure the whole visit but as I waslked through the room (again filled with pregnant ladies) and outside I burst into tears. Then  nurse knocks on my window and says the scheduling nurse WOULD like to talk to me now. I was like oh great geesh.... so I followed her in and waited. The surgery was set up and I went home. It was like a bad case of deja vu.

My surgery was on 8/27/10 and it went just fine. I cried from the minute they put me in the room to undress until the minute they knocked me out. Emotionally this was much harder you see because now I was part of only 1-2% of women who have more than one miscarriage. Now I did not view this as common as the doctor had made the first out to be. Now I knew I needed to find out why this was happening. I went home that day and rested. The following day I rested. I was praying the horrible cramps I experienced 3 days after the last D & C would not repeat themselves. Today they did. They come and go. So now I will go to bed and pray they stay away so I can sleep.

Every night before I go to bed I think...."If I was still pregnant I would be _____ along" or "In less than a month our first angel baby would have been born if I had not had a miscarriage" Every night I try my hardest to go to fall asleep NOT thinking about a baby. Try to get my mind on something else so I will not dream all is well and then wake to this reality................