Saturday, September 11, 2010

7 months ago...

- I became a statistic - part of the group of women who's first pregnancy ends in miscarriage (I am now part of a much smaller group of women who have more than 1 miscarriage)
- my heart broke for the first time
- I realized getting pregnant isn't really the hardest part
- my world came crashing around me and I left my doctor's office an image of my former self.
- I cried for hours
- I heard (unfortunately not for the only time) "there is no heartbeat"
- we lost our first child
- I was mad at the wrold
- All I could think was why was this happening to me
- All I could do was think I had done something to cause it...kept drinking diet pepsi because I didn't know I was pregnant, what if my weight caused it, what if I ate something I shouldn't have, what if I was such a bad mom already that my child had died so early.
- A lot of doctor's ticked me off
- I did not realize that it would be 2 weeks more that I would carry my child before my D & C
- I found out about our baby and then had to drag myself to work the next day
- I was crushed, I didn't know how I would survive
- I started an anonymous blog and barely wrote in it... I did this because I did not want to be judged by people who thought I had no right or reason to talk about such a loss (trust me now I could care less what those people think)
- I had to tell my mom and dad their grandchild was no longer alive, my sister that she would not be an aunt, and not too long after that (a month or so) EVERYONE else that I was no longer pregnant "it hadn't worked out"
- I had a lot of people look at me in horror almost disgusted shock because I had told them I had a miscarriage
- I wished I could crawl into a hole for a very long time
- I knew no other BLM's who I could talk to (unlike now and I love all you ladies!)
- I was thinking of being a mommy and loving it
- My husband and I were so excited about our surprise baby
- I had bleeding before my ultrasound and left work balling on the way to the doctor
- Even though I thought things were bad I still did not expect what the visit entailed
- I saw an ultrasound of my first child and had no clue what anything was because it was my very first one ever.
- I did not know that there was no heartbeat until they told me (unlike 3+ weeks ago when I did know that I saw no heartbeat)
- I became a mommy to my angel baby
- I couldn't breathe...sometimes I still can't
- Miscarriage changed my life forever

On that awful day I cried more than I have cried in my entire life. I wished I could have gone in a soundproof padded room and screamed, kicked, and punched till I could no longer stand. I would still like to do that now so if anyone could help me out with that I thank you in advance (just kidding - well partially - cause that would be rather cleansing!)....

7 months ago I found out my angel was TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR EARTH and I will never ever be the same but I hope that this experience with God's help will change me in a good way and that I can help others through my pain. 16 days from now was my first angel's due date. Which will also be a month after I got my second D & C. So many painful memories in a small period. It happens to far too many of us. I pray that we can take that grief and turn it into good. Turn it into wonderful - at the very least help as many BLM's as humanly possible....

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." - Revelation 21:4

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