Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I will praise you in this storm

Some photos I took and edited with Bible verses and song lyrics....

This song has meant a lot to me on hard days....


Monday, May 30, 2011

Pet peeves of a BLM

I can't even begin to tell you how little people "get" what it's like to be a BLM. I'm sure all you BLMs out there totally understand what I mean. The other day though REALLY put me over my limit for ignorance.

I have mentioned in past posts:

How I hated when I friend of mine commented that she also couldn't stand seeing pregnant woman. I explained to her that it being hard for her to get pregnant is not the same as being reminded that your two children are dead! She didn't seem phased and seemed to think there was no difference! SO ANNOYING!
**please note I DO realize that being infertile IS awful! I just don't like the death of my children being compared to it!**

How people think it shouldn't be a big deal because I know my babies are in Heaven. Nice to know but while it may bring me peace to know I will see them one day it sure doesn't freaking make me HAPPY!

How "everything happens for a reason" is getting real old REAL fast! While I do believe that there was a purpose to my loss. It is NOT comforting to here that saying over and over again. I would rather someone say they are "thinking about me" or "praying for me" or simply offer a hug. I'm so over "everything happens for a reason"

When I was getting balloons to release on Riley's due date the woman selling the balloons proclaimed she had a bunch of miscarriages to and it was no big deal. That I would be fine. I've had just about enough of the people that tell me to "let it go" or "stop reliving it". If my children had been 10 when they passed away it would have been different but I'm just supposed to forget about them because you never met them? SORRY NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! If MY loss makes YOU uncomfortable then keep on walking. No need to talk to me. I have no need for self righteous advice! Go talk to someone who cares!

 Okay so those are some PAST mentions of pet peeves. Trust me there are many many more I am sure I could think of but that is enough for now. The most recent one is all the people commenting to my sister (who JUST got married April 23rd) that she needs to have kids.

I can't even count the amount of times children were brought up at their wedding! It was so hard to stand up there as Matron of Honor and keep hearing comments about them having kids. It was just so hard. THEN at church yesterday I met my cousins little newborn and after I held him my sister did and a variety of people made comments. Such as "He looks good in your arms" or "When are you going to have a little one" or "I tried to talk her into having a honeymoon baby". ALL of these people KNOW that I have lost both my children. Why can't they just SHUT UP and not say this crap around me?!? Can the almost 30 year old please get pregnant first! Is that too much to ask? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sorry for the rant but WOW that was REALLY upsetting!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

A lovely friend

Today was an odd day. I didn't really care to accomplish much and for no reason whatsoever I started crying. Emotional nutcase - thus the life of a grieving BLM. The pain never fully goes away. But I got a lovely, lovely email from a fellow BLM. It truly touched my heart and made my day. Here is the email:

 Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and leaving such a sweet comment. I want you to know that I truly appreciate your friendship. Thank you for being so kind and supportive. You are a true blessing. I pray for you every single day and can't wait to share in your happiness when you find out that your rainbow baby is on the way. I am so sorry that you have had to wait so long for that blessing. I know it is hard when others are given the blessing that you would give anything to have and you are still waiting. I am so sorry! I know that your turn is comming very soon though. You WILL have that healthy baby in your arms! You will be able to tell them all about Riley and Peyton and how much you love ALL of them. You are such a wonderful mom. Not only to Riley and Peyton, but also to this little rainbow you are waiting for. You have already done so much for this precious baby and it hasn't even been concieved yet. You can't get a better mom than that! If I ever get to meet your little rainbow I am going to tell him or her just how much their mommy loved them long before she ever got the chance to meet them. You are a very special person and have helped so many of us through our grief. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your precious babies with us. God bless you my friend!
Mary (Micah's mommy)

Mary is the reason my sweet babies have their names! I read about how she couldn't handle thinking of her little one up in Heaven without a name and I thought I need to name my babies too! So within a couple days of reading her blog we gave our sweet babies names. I will forever be grateful to her for that and for her friendship through this sad journey. I am so thrilled that she is having a healthy pregnancy with her rainbow baby. 

Thank you Mary! you mean so very much to me!

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Nouwen, Henri

"Hope is the ability to hear the music of the future.
Faith is having the courage to dance to it today."
- Dr. Peter Kuzmic, theologian, Slovenian-born, citizen of Croatia


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The pregnancy effect....

So today I was out at some craft stores.... pretty much the only places I shop.... and I see a pregnant woman. I swear that this woman was in every random aisle I went in!

While I know that she of course was not REALLY following me it was so aggravating. I'm sure all you BLMs out there have been there before you see a pregnant woman and your heart just stops for a minute. Your chest seizes up. You feel a bit sick. All of this within a matter of seconds and then you do the best you can to forget it and go on about your business. That's the PREGNANCY EFFECT.

All of that 'forgeting"  is well and good until you continue to run into the woman in every aisle or even worse (or at least AS bad) you run into MORE pregnant woman and the effect continues and multiplies and before you know it you (or at least me anyway) feel like everyone in the whole freaking world is pregnant! Everyone but you... it's weird to think how little I even noticed pregnant women back in my naive years and now they seem to be everywhere. My old totally crazy college professor would have called this synchronicity. The best way I explain her definition of that is that you are thinking of that so you see it, or something along those lines. Another site calls it "the cosmos winking at you". Well if that's the case the cosmos can take their winks elsewhere thank you very much!

I saw a variety of pregnant women or women with children that were very young (like Riley would be now). It's so frustrating. If only we could just scream and people wouldn't think we were crazy ;) 

Strange that these women have no idea that there are some people that see them and cringe. Some that wish they were them. Some that will never have a carefree pregnancy. It's all so overwhelming. Oddly enough I think even when I am pregnant it may still be a shock to see pregnant women. Weird as that may seem. This fright, this nightmare of worry isn't going to magically disappear when I'm pregnant. Honestly I'm afraid to not be scared. When I stopped being afraid with Peyton, I lost Peyton.

Life is strange....

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."
~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

Momma and Daddy love you so much Riley & Peyton

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Life lately....

OK :) So first off HI! I know it's been awhile and I have not been great about keeping up with consistent posting... I have been busy making items for my Etsy shop.

Also this week has been very tough because a very loved and close family member passed away on Mother's Day at the young age of 61 :( Sadly puts life into an all too real perspective. First of all my parents are not too far from that age and second of all if I were to die at that age I would be half way through my life. I don't feel as though I have lived enough to be halfway through my life. I guess I better get livin'! Anyways he will be deeply, deeply missed by many many people - mostly of course his wife and his two boys that are in their 20's! Happily the family is full of faith and we all know that we will see him one day in Heaven :)

I had made a giveaway but the few people that did enter then got their comments deleted when Blogger did some obviously VERY crappy maintenance. SO it seems not many people read my blog anymore (my fault for not posting often). So there was no interest in the giveaway so I suppose I will revisit that at a later time. 

Our trip to Florida is in 23 days or so and I am very excited. My husband will get to see family he has not EVER met in his life and some he hasn't seen in years. So it's all pretty awesome! We are also going to stay at a hotel for three nights (the first being on our third anniversary) and go to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. This also marks the time when we will start TTC although TECHNICALLY that time will be after I ovulate. I don't want to get pregnant before Florida because of all the rides we will be on and all. Just not safe! So technically speaking late June will be when we are actually TTC. So I wouldn't find out if I was pregnant until around my birthday again - which is weird because that was when we found out we were pregnant with Peyton. That would be strange but at the same time I don't have superstitions about such things. I just pray that it will be as easy to get pregnant this time as it was the first two times :)

If you love Etsy make sure to check out my CRAFT BLOG :) I will be starting regular posts - such as featuring undiscovered shops, those I like, sales tips, etc.

I love you soo much Riley & Peyton!!!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Please help!

Hi everyone! I have been busy busy busy in my Etsy shop for the last month! And my efforts have worked! I have gotten almost 40 sales in one month :)

I am featured on this blog and if I get the most votes I will get my own full feature! Which means more exposure :) You can also submit your own item if you have an Etsy shop - to be considered for another time when she does this!

Vote in the LEFT COLUMN for RED QUEEN!!! 

PLEASE HELP ME! Someone else has a lot of friends who are voting for them and I need some votes too!!!

Also check out and follow my craft blog if you get a chance :)
You can find coupons for my store there!!

Also I just started making and selling these new infant loss awareness 
earrings/necklaces in my ETSY SHOP

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