Grateful for family and faith

Today we celebrated my dad's birthday. His actual birthday was the 27th but we were unable to celebrate it for two reasons. One because I got my D & C that day and two because my parents and sister were going away for the weekend. I pray that I will not constantly correlate my dad's birthday with the loss of one of my angels.

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I love my family.....I am blessed to have the best parents a girl could ask for and a sister that is a joy in my world. I could never have survived my losses without them. My husband is the most significant constant reassurance of enduring love in my life. He is a blessing..... a patient man who evens out my somewhat neurotic worrisome self. He lives and deals with me every day. God bless him for his calmness with me during our hardships in the past and more recently this fresh wound. Nathan I will love you forever, you are my rock.

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I am blessed to have faith. To have a Father in Heaven who gives me strength. Honestly without faith and love for the Lord I honestly think I could not survive the horrors of miscarriage. It is a pain too deep to bear sometimes but without God I truly believe my sanity would have left me almost two weeks ago (8/19/10) when I found out our baby grew wings to join our other angel. I know all things happen for a reason and I may never understand why during my life on Earth but God's will for me is perfect. He wants what is best for me so my babies must have really been needed in Heaven. Lord tell them mommy and daddy love them and we will be there to hug them before they can even miss us.

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Today we had a lot of fun and laughs with my family as we always do. I cherish those times. I used to drive to work with my mom before I was laid off. Now I do not see her nearly enough. I miss our morning talks on the drive in and our talks (often about work) on the way home. I don't miss my job (LOL) but I do miss that. Today I couldn't help but thinking. Is it okay to laugh? Is it too soon? I know my angels would want me to live a happy life but I want them to know I wish they could share it with us. I don't know if I believe that my children watch me from Heaven. I think that time passes so quickly in Heaven (or is quite non-existent). From their arrival to our arrival to meet them it will seem instantaneous to them. This eases my heavy heart a bit. What will seem like forever for me and Nate will be pain free for our babies. Heaven is love. It is joy and comfort and the perfection that Earth does not grant us. I am glad they did not need to endure the pain and trials of Earth but at the same time I wanted to raise them. To brush their hair, sing with them, and show them how much I loved them. My darlings please know that when we laugh we hope you are smiling too along with us.

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I sit hear typing in bed next to my sleeping husband and I want to scream but I do not. I want to throw things but I sit. I sit and I write out my pain until I feel better, I cry because I must. If not I will explode. If I did not write my grief would swallow me hole. This is my therapy and those reading this are my hugs to get through it. This is my journey through losing my babies who were too beautiful for Earth........

My life will never be the same...

My husband pointed out to me today that within a couple of months the first time everything was fine. I was over it. I told him I was never "over" anything, the pain never went away but I agree that I handled it as well as one can I suppose. This is different, this is the same heart wrenching pain all over again within six months. This is not average. Not that one miscarriage is not painful (I do not want to offend!) it is but it is more "common" according to my doctor. Recurrent miscarriage is not common. I could view the first as more common but not this. This is far to real, I am part of a small percentage of women who has more than one miscarriage (I read the other day that it was 1-2% of women - which was NOT comforting)

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I have come to the conclusion that everything I see or hear I can relate to my pain. I can somehow gather a glimpse of how it relates in some way to my struggle of grief through my miscarriages. I am not talking about simple things like the song I just posted the lyrics to... that is obvious. For instance I saw one lone red tree  while driving today and I thought how sad it was that the tree was losing it's leaves early.....like I lost my baby early. Please don't think I am crazy - I really am not. Please don't worry I am not coping - I really am. But for those who have been through this you know that it is on the forefront of your mind at all times. It's just a fact. Another comparison was lyrics from breakeven by the script - I know this song is not about miscarriage but I heard these parts and that was all I thought of: "I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing....They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding." Even while watching the movie Evita I heard this part of a song "Call in three months time and I'll be fine, I know. Well maybe not that fine but I'll survive anyhow....So what happens now? Where am I going to?" Again I swear to you I am not crazy. Please don't be worried. But if you would like a random reference to coincide with my pain I can probably point one out a few times a day. Odd I know but thus is my life. I don't find this depressing rather I think it helps me with my grief in some weird way.

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I read many sad accounts of other women who suffered miscarriages today. It touched my heart. It saddens me that people lock up this pain. I'm sure there are some that will read blogs such as mine and think I am a whiny wimp. Those people do not understand this pain nor should they bother with reading my words. This is not for people to judge - this is for me to mourn a loss and carry through my grief. I have this odd feeling that I may meet some wonderful women along the way and I hope that we can share our bond and grow through our grieving. I hope that is not a delusion and that it will come true. My heart goes out to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child. No one deserves such pain.

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Barely anyone knew I was pregnant recently with my second child. We were afraid to tell because of the previous miscarriage. Last time I told everyone and a few days later found out the baby had died. I could not handle running into people who I had told and having to say "it didn't work out" or "thank you for asking but I had a miscarriage"..... Honestly peoples reactions were worse than saying the words. The words or shall we say phrases became a rather painful redundant routine through time. But the reactions.....people sort of switch off. They - I don't know - close themselves off from the situation or conversation. It makes me want to scream! I AM THE ONE GOING THROUGH THIS! NOT YOU! Maybe it is naive of me but I think that this is hard for ME so others should be able to handle it. If i can talk to my mother about this then a friend should be able to handle it. My mom lost a grandchild. It is harder for her than a friend or accquaintance. If you have ever reacted to someone this way by all means don't go back and apologize but be kind enough to not repeat the behavior. If I know someone is uncomfortable I will not share a large story but try to not freak out because I told you "I had a miscarriage" it's my horror not yours.

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I cry a lot. How can I not? Right before writing this entry I had a very quick sharp pain in my stomach. Probably from sitting in a weird position or something. A thought ran through my head ever so quickly..."I hope the baby is okay" - as soon as I thought it I cried.... my angel was not okay. At least not okay inside of me. My babies are with God no matter how much I want them with me and I cannot change that reality. My angels mommy and daddy will always love you!

Miscarriages have changed my life forever.......

I will carry you by Selah (lyrics) Video posted below

This song really touched me I hope one day I will have the strength to sing this at church without balling....

I Will Carry You - Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Selah - I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)

The hope was smashed!

From now on my blogs will be written on the actual day (the past three entries were from an anonymous blog I had previously).

On 8/16/10 I was scheduled for my first full prenatal visit. (I had seen the heartbeat and had a good healthy ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days.) On the 16th (I was 9 weeks 6 days by the time this visit happened) the nurse met with me and got all necessary info and then told me they could probably show me the heartbeat quickly with a fast sonogram. Sure enough the tech added some color to the ultrasound and there was my baby's heartbeat again :) The doc was called to surgery so he could not do my exam I was scheduled to come back on 8/19/10.

I went the the next visit alone. It was a simple exam and I knew nothing could be wrong as I had had no issues since Monday. Well I was wrong. The doc did the exam and said all was well and broke out the fetal doppler. I was excited at the prospect of hearing my baby's heartbeat for the first time. He could not find it. He poked and pushed around with the doppler for at least 8 minutes and nothing! I was not worried I thought maybe my baby was shy. They asked me to come back in thirty minutes for an ultrasound. I was thrilled! I could finally show my husband a picture and see my little one again! I grabbed some food and ate and rushed back to the office excited.

The same tech from three days before did a regular sonogram and I knew as well as she did that you could not see a heartbeat. For some reason this STILL did not freak me out. I went to the bathroom to empty my bladder for the internal sonogram and quickly prayed that all would be well. I went back excited that this would be a more up close picture of my child. After a few seconds I knew it was all wrong. I looked at the tech and said "There's no heartbeat is there?" She said no and she was sorry - I immediately started balling so loud. It was happening again but this time I was alone. My world was crashing around me AGAIN and I could not control myself, I could not stop crying! She went to get the doctor to confirm the miscarriage. It seemed like they were gone for 15 minutes of which I sobbed loudly through. People in the office must have heard this, forget embarrassment, I felt like I was dying. I had to try SO hard not to smash my hand through the ultrasound machine. Not to rip the monitor off the wall and throw it out the window! I did not think I could go through another miscarriage. I was not strong enough... I just could not do it! I just kept asking God why! WHY? Why me? Why my husband? Why us?  It's hard not to blame yourself. Hard to not think that your body hates you. Why do you want something so bad and yet your body keeps killing your dream?

The doctor and tech returned. I sat and watched the cursed screen that confirmed yet again that some time between Monday and Thursday afternoon my child had died. I continued to sob through all of this as the doc tor told me it could be bad luck and to schedule and appt. next week to decided if I wanted surgery again or to see if it began to take care of itself. The staff was kinder this time around. Probably because they knew me now. They had all talked to me and now I was not some nameless face....I was a nice girl whose life was totally sucking right now! They said they were sorry as I walked out the door sobbing with bloodshot eyes through a room full of pregnant women.I immediately went home and threw my few cute maternity shirts in their bag, my early purchase of cute maternity shorts, all the magazine the doctor's office had given me, and any baby stuff into a bag in the back of my closet. I did not need to see it anymore because it was no longer happening. I needed no other reason to break down at the drop of a hat.

The next week I returned and discussed options with the doctor. I opted for a D & C because I did not think I could handle taking a pill and letting this happen at home. Also, surgery was a better option because we were having the remains tested to see if we could find a reason for this miscarriage. He said I could have it in two days (1 week and 1 day from when I found out it had happened). The scheduling nurse was unavailable and I was told she would call me to set up the surgery. I had kept my composure the whole visit but as I waslked through the room (again filled with pregnant ladies) and outside I burst into tears. Then  nurse knocks on my window and says the scheduling nurse WOULD like to talk to me now. I was like oh great geesh.... so I followed her in and waited. The surgery was set up and I went home. It was like a bad case of deja vu.

My surgery was on 8/27/10 and it went just fine. I cried from the minute they put me in the room to undress until the minute they knocked me out. Emotionally this was much harder you see because now I was part of only 1-2% of women who have more than one miscarriage. Now I did not view this as common as the doctor had made the first out to be. Now I knew I needed to find out why this was happening. I went home that day and rested. The following day I rested. I was praying the horrible cramps I experienced 3 days after the last D & C would not repeat themselves. Today they did. They come and go. So now I will go to bed and pray they stay away so I can sleep.

Every night before I go to bed I think...."If I was still pregnant I would be _____ along" or "In less than a month our first angel baby would have been born if I had not had a miscarriage" Every night I try my hardest to go to fall asleep NOT thinking about a baby. Try to get my mind on something else so I will not dream all is well and then wake to this reality................

A Glimmer of hope?

Thursday, 05 August 2010

Moving on....

So as you can see I wrote my few blogs and didn't really come back on here. Well I read through them just now and that was a horrible time in my life! I hope that I never have to relive it and that is what I pray every second of every day right now because I AM PREGNANT AGAIN :)

So far so good! I have had a sonogram and actually saw a heartbeat this time! Which was beyond amazing! So I know that this little one is alive and that heartbeat makes the chances of a miscarriage go down a lot. Which is great! I have had a scare with some bleeding which happened last time and was obviously not good but I went to the doctor and they said all is well and showed me the heartbeat again to make me feel better!

It's scary you are awake every day and every mild little twinge of any strange feeling scares you after going through a miscarriage. I pray that this pregnancy will continue because I am a strong woman but I don't feel right now like this woman could survive another miscarriage. So I am 9 weeks along on 8/9/10 so here's to a happy and healthy 9 months!

After surgery # 1

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

I had a doctor really really piss me off on Tuesday. He told m that he couldn't fit me in for my D & C until 3 to 6 weeks from now. The receptionist said that I did not understand how much scheduling time there was and how much work needed to be done to get a surgery set up. I continued to tell her SHE didn't understand! This was my body that they were talking about so it was ridiculous!!! So I told the doctor he was insane and that I would go to another doctor. So I did. He actually set the appointment up for the day after I spoke with him. So I had my surgery today.

Given the situation I would say it went as well as I could expect. The people were very nice and I actually had the surgery an hour sooner then they said. The doctor was very compassionate and had a great bedside manner as he had had the day before when I met with him so that was a blessing. I cried a bit before they came in to put me under. This of course was not an easy situation to deal with. But by the time I made it to the surgery room a few seconds later I woke up and I was in the recovery room. I got to eat soon after and within a couple hours was home resting. I have the weekend to recover and then it's back to reality.

I am just glad to have this part of the battle over with and be able to move on. Miscarriages are a horrible thing to deal with and I still have a battle ahead of me....

The beginning of the pain

Saturday February 20, 2010

• 
  
  

  One among many....

  It's obvious that many many women have had miscarriages. Hundreds of thousands. The odds actually of having one are much higher than I would have thought. However, knowing that others have gone through miscarriages doesn't in fact make it any easier for me. It's still the simple fact of this is the worst feeling ever. I have gone through crap in life. I have been depressed, broken up with, a bunch of other things that seemed horrible but none that compare to finding out the child I was so excited about is no longer alive inside of me.
  
  It's devastating. When you go thorough something like that and you have a doctor in front of you blurting out negative thing after negative thing: "We don't see a heartbeat, you are probably going through a miscarriage, you will need a D & C, it doesn't look good, there may be a possibility it would be okay but I really wouldn't get your hopes up, oh and you have a heart shaped uterus that could be bad. That could cause issues with future pregnancies. When the miscarriage is over we will need to get an x ray and see what your uterus looks like. Do you want to follow up with your other doctor or come to us? We should get some blood work to check your Hcg levels. But no heartbeat is a bad sign so I wouldn't get your hopes up. So we'll order the tests and you can come back in a week. Any questions?"
  
  YEA I HAVE QUESTIONS!!!! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A ROBOTIC JERK???? YOU JUST CRUSHED MY HEART AND ON TOP OF TELLING ME MY BABY MAY BE GONE I ALSO HAVE A WEIRD UTERUS! IS THERE NOT ONE THING YOU CAN SAY TO MAKE THINGS POSITIVE AT ALL? IS YOUR JOB TO CRUSH PEOPLE'S SPIRITS? CONGRATS IT WORKED!
  
  Of course I THOUGHT those things but I never said any. I was too in shock. Amazed at the fact that this could happen to me. By amazed I mean in a BAD way! You never think something like that is going to happen to you. You just assume that when you get pregnant that that was the hard part. The likely hood of getting pregnant is 11-25% chance in a month so when you accomplish that you think WOW great! You assume it will all go well - yea you may feel sick you're gonna get a huge belly but you'll have a healthy baby and it will all be worth it. YOU NEVER THINK YOU WILL BE THE ONE AT THE DOCTOR HEARING SUCH HORRIBLE NEWS! But now I had. I was that person and it had happened to me.
  
  My husband of course was crushed too and I was balling. And when we went to get our next appointment the lady wouldn't even look at me! I'm going what is wrong with you people. Yea a horrible thing happened to ME not YOU so YOU CAN LOOK AT ME! I'd rather you look at me with sympathy then pretend like I have no face! So after the weekend (Valentine's day weekend what nice news to think about over that holiday) I called for the blood test results and the jerky robotic no nonsense doctor was right. No miracle for me. I WAS having a miscarriage.The nightmare was real.
  
  So I went back to my gyno who I have seen for years (who no longer delivers) and he says that if we wait long enough it will happen on it's own. WELL I DON'T WANT IT TO! Why would I want to go through that pain. Pain that you say I should go to the ER for if it happens. WELL I don't HAVE $200 to go to the freaking ER. I have a copay though so do the FREAKING surgery and let me MOVE ON! I had thought at this point a week after hearing all the bad news that I was handling it well. I hadn't fallen into pieces in a deep depression and cried for hours while eating ice cream. I was okay. I knew I would still have moments and I would still ball again now and then. But I was keeping myself together. But then he tells me that this D & C will be more difficult because of my heart shaped (bicornate) uterus. UM I DON'T CARE. YOU ARE  A DOCTOR - DO IT!
  
  So he sends me for another sonogram and blood work. Because you know there is nothing more fun for a sad woman then seeing a picture on a screen AGAIN of her dead baby inside of her. THANKS A LOT! Like this hasn't been traumatic enough!
  
  However, the sonogram lady at this place was much kinder. And she told me what was the baby had broken up and that she knows that can be upsetting and that the gestational sac was still there. And I said that's okay thank you I have come to terms with what happened I just want to move on. So I asked her if she would mind explaining the bicornate uterus thing to me because the doctor said that I may have to get a surgery before I have kids at all. She said you don't need a surgery you have a beautiful uterus! AND I WAS THRILLED....SOME HOPE! She told me there are plenty of women that have normal pregnancies with a bicornate uterus. There was one lady currently pregnant who had come in with a miscarriage like me and at the time they found she miscarried in the sonogram they ALSO saw she was pregnant on the other side of her uterus!!!! :) HOW COOL! (no such luck for me but that's fine i was happy that someone thought I would carry a healthy child someday soon!) Basically a bicornate uterus is attached but it is almost 2 separate uteruses. And you could technically carry a baby on each side (though i'm sure the odds are small for that to happen). So currently I at least have hope that I shouldn't need a surgery to have a normal pregnancy. That made me happy. She made my day. I genuinely smiled. Oh and that lady she told me about has a bicornate uterus, lupus (which you are lucky if you can even carry a child) and she is 22 weeks along with that baby :) SO COOL!
  
  God is great and I know that there must have been a reason for what happened to me and my baby. I know that I will meet my baby in Heaven someday. What an awesome moment that will be!
  
  But for now I just hope to get this D & C next week and to try again when we are able. I want to be a mom more than I can explain. Here's to some hope even after such tragedy! I hope I continue to have it!

Recurrent Miscarriages (8/30/10)

I am in the process of surviving my second miscarriage. Both of which were this year. At the beginning of this process I realized that many people choose to keep their miscarriages hush hush. I understand this and do not judge this in any way, shape, or form but I decided I can not be one of these people. Back in February (2010) I after my first miscarriage I started an anonymous blog. I was afraid to have a public one. I did not want to feel judged by others or make people think I was trying to gain sympathy. This was not the case. Either way.... now I want to include those few postings to start out this blog. If people choose to judge me so be it. I plan to write on this blog and I am starting to create a "book" that I hope to sell on my own giving half the proceeds to The March of Dimes. This may take a long time but I think it will help me heal and that is not a short process. No one knows this pain completely except other women who are a part of this sad club. Join me in my journey that I hope will end with some hope......