This Magic Moment 2022
2 years ago
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Recurrent Miscarriages (8/30/10)
I am in the process of surviving my second miscarriage. Both of which were this year. At the beginning of this process I realized that many people choose to keep their miscarriages hush hush. I understand this and do not judge this in any way, shape, or form but I decided I can not be one of these people. Back in February (2010) I after my first miscarriage I started an anonymous blog. I was afraid to have a public one. I did not want to feel judged by others or make people think I was trying to gain sympathy. This was not the case. Either way.... now I want to include those few postings to start out this blog. If people choose to judge me so be it. I plan to write on this blog and I am starting to create a "book" that I hope to sell on my own giving half the proceeds to The March of Dimes. This may take a long time but I think it will help me heal and that is not a short process. No one knows this pain completely except other women who are a part of this sad club. Join me in my journey that I hope will end with some hope......
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So sorry you are going through this. I found out 8/23 that they couldnt find heartbeats on twins. Didn't know it was twins until then either. That dreaded 30 min of sitting there knowing something was wrong seems cruel to me. I had been w/ a friend to 4 that were that way years ago, one of hers was twins too. I went to dr next day, told all the options. I wasn't ready to accept yet. Asked for another US. That monday, same results. This was right after pre-op for D&C. I knew I wouldn;t be able to go through w/ D&C w/o more proof HB wasn't just late showing. They did quant hcg to compare levels, went from around 72K to 60 K between Mon and Friday. I talked to so many damn drs and nurses w/ different comments. Some understanding, others acting like I should just get it overwith already. I want to have hope that one will survive and a HB show. When I was in OR prep, that Dr was the best. She agreed to do hcg level to compare, then another US in 2 wks to make sure of no late HB. Well Friday after hcg levels dropped so much that different DR said no hope for either baby. Call today for appt this week, no need for OB, just go to a gyn. This is all new people to me, as I made it convenient for BF since I don't work. don't know if I can do that next time as at home, an hour away, that OB office sees you earlier than 10 wks. Who the hell would wanna wait that long after having a MC????? I am 37, first pregnancy, angry and broken hearted like you. BF says he will try once as he can't deal w/ seeing me go through this. I wanna smack him right now honestly b/c of his mouth. I know I am an unmedicated depressed pregnant (well technically I still am>). I am a *itch sometimes but I don't know what else to do. My hope is squashed. I still need something to prove neither HB is late or my hcg level is awfully low to do D&C. I told them I would wait for natural as they all acted like I was crazy having hope. I honestly am tired of the wait, but still want another test. I am sure they have insurance to think about as well.
ReplyDeleteI love these babies. Sure BF can't get that. I never thought I would get pregnant. I was gonna wait to tell people but couldn't hold it in. I am a chronic pain patient. I stopped most pain meds and depression meds suddenly and worry about the effects of that. This wasnt planned and was such a shock to boyfriend he wasn't the nicest at first. He has guilt for it now. I think we both blame ourselves. The mouth I hear now is way to hard to keep waiting. I just wanna move on and try again. Scared of D&C and scared of disposing of babies at home too. I don;t know what to do...
Thanks for sharing your story.
I'm so sorry for this situation. I hope that you get another test like you want. As for the doctor's and insurance. It is covered so they have no reason not to give it you! If it ends up they are right then I am sorry you have to go through this. I am sorry the your BF is not handling it the best and that with already uneven emotions it must be so hard to deal with. I wish you the best of luck. Do not lose hope and happiness. Gather around those you love or meet more people like me. I believe we can help each other through this grief.
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