Sunday, August 29, 2010

The beginning of the pain

Saturday February 20, 2010

  • One among many....

    It's obvious that many many women have had miscarriages. Hundreds of thousands. The odds actually of having one are much higher than I would have thought. However, knowing that others have gone through miscarriages doesn't in fact make it any easier for me. It's still the simple fact of this is the worst feeling ever. I have gone through crap in life. I have been depressed, broken up with, a bunch of other things that seemed horrible but none that compare to finding out the child I was so excited about is no longer alive inside of me.

    It's devastating. When you go thorough something like that and you have a doctor in front of you blurting out negative thing after negative thing: "We don't see a heartbeat, you are probably going through a miscarriage, you will need a D & C, it doesn't look good, there may be a possibility it would be okay but I really wouldn't get your hopes up, oh and you have a heart shaped uterus that could be bad. That could cause issues with future pregnancies. When the miscarriage is over we will need to get an x ray and see what your uterus looks like. Do you want to follow up with your other doctor or come to us? We should get some blood work to check your Hcg levels. But no heartbeat is a bad sign so I wouldn't get your hopes up. So we'll order the tests and you can come back in a week. Any questions?"


    Of course I THOUGHT those things but I never said any. I was too in shock. Amazed at the fact that this could happen to me. By amazed I mean in a BAD way! You never think something like that is going to happen to you. You just assume that when you get pregnant that that was the hard part. The likely hood of getting pregnant is 11-25% chance in a month so when you accomplish that you think WOW great! You assume it will all go well - yea you may feel sick you're gonna get a huge belly but you'll have a healthy baby and it will all be worth it. YOU NEVER THINK YOU WILL BE THE ONE AT THE DOCTOR HEARING SUCH HORRIBLE NEWS! But now I had. I was that person and it had happened to me.

    My husband of course was crushed too and I was balling. And when we went to get our next appointment the lady wouldn't even look at me! I'm going what is wrong with you people. Yea a horrible thing happened to ME not YOU so YOU CAN LOOK AT ME! I'd rather you look at me with sympathy then pretend like I have no face! So after the weekend (Valentine's day weekend what nice news to think about over that holiday) I called for the blood test results and the jerky robotic no nonsense doctor was right. No miracle for me. I WAS having a miscarriage.The nightmare was real.

    So I went back to my gyno who I have seen for years (who no longer delivers) and he says that if we wait long enough it will happen on it's own. WELL I DON'T WANT IT TO! Why would I want to go through that pain. Pain that you say I should go to the ER for if it happens. WELL I don't HAVE $200 to go to the freaking ER. I have a copay though so do the FREAKING surgery and let me MOVE ON! I had thought at this point a week after hearing all the bad news that I was handling it well. I hadn't fallen into pieces in a deep depression and cried for hours while eating ice cream. I was okay. I knew I would still have moments and I would still ball again now and then. But I was keeping myself together. But then he tells me that this D & C will be more difficult because of my heart shaped (bicornate) uterus. UM I DON'T CARE. YOU ARE  A DOCTOR - DO IT!

    So he sends me for another sonogram and blood work. Because you know there is nothing more fun for a sad woman then seeing a picture on a screen AGAIN of her dead baby inside of her. THANKS A LOT! Like this hasn't been traumatic enough!

    However, the sonogram lady at this place was much kinder. And she told me what was the baby had broken up and that she knows that can be upsetting and that the gestational sac was still there. And I said that's okay thank you I have come to terms with what happened I just want to move on. So I asked her if she would mind explaining the bicornate uterus thing to me because the doctor said that I may have to get a surgery before I have kids at all. She said you don't need a surgery you have a beautiful uterus! AND I WAS THRILLED....SOME HOPE! She told me there are plenty of women that have normal pregnancies with a bicornate uterus. There was one lady currently pregnant who had come in with a miscarriage like me and at the time they found she miscarried in the sonogram they ALSO saw she was pregnant on the other side of her uterus!!!! :) HOW COOL! (no such luck for me but that's fine i was happy that someone thought I would carry a healthy child someday soon!) Basically a bicornate uterus is attached but it is almost 2 separate uteruses. And you could technically carry a baby on each side (though i'm sure the odds are small for that to happen). So currently I at least have hope that I shouldn't need a surgery to have a normal pregnancy. That made me happy. She made my day. I genuinely smiled. Oh and that lady she told me about has a bicornate uterus, lupus (which you are lucky if you can even carry a child) and she is 22 weeks along with that baby :) SO COOL!

    God is great and I know that there must have been a reason for what happened to me and my baby. I know that I will meet my baby in Heaven someday. What an awesome moment that will be!

    But for now I just hope to get this D & C next week and to try again when we are able. I want to be a mom more than I can explain. Here's to some hope even after such tragedy! I hope I continue to have it!

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