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I read many sad accounts of other women who suffered miscarriages today. It touched my heart. It saddens me that people lock up this pain. I'm sure there are some that will read blogs such as mine and think I am a whiny wimp. Those people do not understand this pain nor should they bother with reading my words. This is not for people to judge - this is for me to mourn a loss and carry through my grief. I have this odd feeling that I may meet some wonderful women along the way and I hope that we can share our bond and grow through our grieving. I hope that is not a delusion and that it will come true. My heart goes out to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child. No one deserves such pain.
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Barely anyone knew I was pregnant recently with my second child. We were afraid to tell because of the previous miscarriage. Last time I told everyone and a few days later found out the baby had died. I could not handle running into people who I had told and having to say "it didn't work out" or "thank you for asking but I had a miscarriage"..... Honestly peoples reactions were worse than saying the words. The words or shall we say phrases became a rather painful redundant routine through time. But the reactions.....people sort of switch off. They - I don't know - close themselves off from the situation or conversation. It makes me want to scream! I AM THE ONE GOING THROUGH THIS! NOT YOU! Maybe it is naive of me but I think that this is hard for ME so others should be able to handle it. If i can talk to my mother about this then a friend should be able to handle it. My mom lost a grandchild. It is harder for her than a friend or accquaintance. If you have ever reacted to someone this way by all means don't go back and apologize but be kind enough to not repeat the behavior. If I know someone is uncomfortable I will not share a large story but try to not freak out because I told you "I had a miscarriage" it's my horror not yours.
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I cry a lot. How can I not? Right before writing this entry I had a very quick sharp pain in my stomach. Probably from sitting in a weird position or something. A thought ran through my head ever so quickly..."I hope the baby is okay" - as soon as I thought it I cried.... my angel was not okay. At least not okay inside of me. My babies are with God no matter how much I want them with me and I cannot change that reality. My angels mommy and daddy will always love you!
Miscarriages have changed my life forever.......
Oh Jessica, my heart goes out to you. I understand your pain and frustration and the big question in your head, "why?" I would sit up in the middle of the night not believing I wasnt pregnant anymore. What? It wasnt inside of me anymore? Are you kidding me? I hated every pregnant lady out there, I was mad at the world. When the doctor and I saw that there was no heartbeat (and there was one a week prior) she said to me, well, there are 2 things we can do. One, we you can have a d&c today and get it over with or two, We can wait it out (and I really thought her next words were going to be, "and see if the heartbeat comes back") but those werent her next words, they were to wait it out and let your body get rid of it. I was in such disbelief, I have never felt anything like that before. I really thought the baby was going to come back to life just then. All I can say is, you and your doctor will figure this out and once you have a baby you will still remember all of this, but most of the pain goes away when you see your baby. This is all worth it to have a baby, all this struggle and pain and misery, its all worth it I promise. It doesnt sound right at all I know. I always think, what if that baby did survive, I wouldnt have Landon, Oh my god that would be aweful and I tear up. I am thinking of you and praying for you and your husband. Love, MaryBeth
ReplyDeleteI remember when everything reminded me of my babies. When I would see ducks walking along, I wondered if the they mourned the eggs that didn't hatch.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think you're being whiny at all. You need to get the pain and the feelings out. Get them out here - it's way better than trying to hold them in.
Thank you Marybeth! I appreciate that. I remember you saying that you hated pregnant women. At this point I don't hate them they just make me want to cry. I am sure a future child will ease some pain. I am hurting but at the same time feel blessed that one day I will meet my babies. I am glad that even though I am in pain my babies are happy and safe in Heaven.
ReplyDeleteThank you Cheryl! Glad I am not the only one who is reminded by strange things LOL :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading!