I read many sad accounts of other women who suffered miscarriages today. It touched my heart. It saddens me that people lock up this pain. I'm sure there are some that will read blogs such as mine and think I am a whiny wimp. Those people do not understand this pain nor should they bother with reading my words. This is not for people to judge - this is for me to mourn a loss and carry through my grief. I have this odd feeling that I may meet some wonderful women along the way and I hope that we can share our bond and grow through our grieving. I hope that is not a delusion and that it will come true. My heart goes out to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child. No one deserves such pain.
Barely anyone knew I was pregnant recently with my second child. We were afraid to tell because of the previous miscarriage. Last time I told everyone and a few days later found out the baby had died. I could not handle running into people who I had told and having to say "it didn't work out" or "thank you for asking but I had a miscarriage"..... Honestly peoples reactions were worse than saying the words. The words or shall we say phrases became a rather painful redundant routine through time. But the reactions.....people sort of switch off. They - I don't know - close themselves off from the situation or conversation. It makes me want to scream! I AM THE ONE GOING THROUGH THIS! NOT YOU! Maybe it is naive of me but I think that this is hard for ME so others should be able to handle it. If i can talk to my mother about this then a friend should be able to handle it. My mom lost a grandchild. It is harder for her than a friend or accquaintance. If you have ever reacted to someone this way by all means don't go back and apologize but be kind enough to not repeat the behavior. If I know someone is uncomfortable I will not share a large story but try to not freak out because I told you "I had a miscarriage" it's my horror not yours.
I cry a lot. How can I not? Right before writing this entry I had a very quick sharp pain in my stomach. Probably from sitting in a weird position or something. A thought ran through my head ever so quickly..."I hope the baby is okay" - as soon as I thought it I cried.... my angel was not okay. At least not okay inside of me. My babies are with God no matter how much I want them with me and I cannot change that reality. My angels mommy and daddy will always love you!
Miscarriages have changed my life forever.......