My life will never be the same...

My husband pointed out to me today that within a couple of months the first time everything was fine. I was over it. I told him I was never "over" anything, the pain never went away but I agree that I handled it as well as one can I suppose. This is different, this is the same heart wrenching pain all over again within six months. This is not average. Not that one miscarriage is not painful (I do not want to offend!) it is but it is more "common" according to my doctor. Recurrent miscarriage is not common. I could view the first as more common but not this. This is far to real, I am part of a small percentage of women who has more than one miscarriage (I read the other day that it was 1-2% of women - which was NOT comforting)

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I have come to the conclusion that everything I see or hear I can relate to my pain. I can somehow gather a glimpse of how it relates in some way to my struggle of grief through my miscarriages. I am not talking about simple things like the song I just posted the lyrics to... that is obvious. For instance I saw one lone red tree  while driving today and I thought how sad it was that the tree was losing it's leaves early.....like I lost my baby early. Please don't think I am crazy - I really am not. Please don't worry I am not coping - I really am. But for those who have been through this you know that it is on the forefront of your mind at all times. It's just a fact. Another comparison was lyrics from breakeven by the script - I know this song is not about miscarriage but I heard these parts and that was all I thought of: "I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing....They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding." Even while watching the movie Evita I heard this part of a song "Call in three months time and I'll be fine, I know. Well maybe not that fine but I'll survive anyhow....So what happens now? Where am I going to?" Again I swear to you I am not crazy. Please don't be worried. But if you would like a random reference to coincide with my pain I can probably point one out a few times a day. Odd I know but thus is my life. I don't find this depressing rather I think it helps me with my grief in some weird way.

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I read many sad accounts of other women who suffered miscarriages today. It touched my heart. It saddens me that people lock up this pain. I'm sure there are some that will read blogs such as mine and think I am a whiny wimp. Those people do not understand this pain nor should they bother with reading my words. This is not for people to judge - this is for me to mourn a loss and carry through my grief. I have this odd feeling that I may meet some wonderful women along the way and I hope that we can share our bond and grow through our grieving. I hope that is not a delusion and that it will come true. My heart goes out to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child. No one deserves such pain.

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Barely anyone knew I was pregnant recently with my second child. We were afraid to tell because of the previous miscarriage. Last time I told everyone and a few days later found out the baby had died. I could not handle running into people who I had told and having to say "it didn't work out" or "thank you for asking but I had a miscarriage"..... Honestly peoples reactions were worse than saying the words. The words or shall we say phrases became a rather painful redundant routine through time. But the reactions.....people sort of switch off. They - I don't know - close themselves off from the situation or conversation. It makes me want to scream! I AM THE ONE GOING THROUGH THIS! NOT YOU! Maybe it is naive of me but I think that this is hard for ME so others should be able to handle it. If i can talk to my mother about this then a friend should be able to handle it. My mom lost a grandchild. It is harder for her than a friend or accquaintance. If you have ever reacted to someone this way by all means don't go back and apologize but be kind enough to not repeat the behavior. If I know someone is uncomfortable I will not share a large story but try to not freak out because I told you "I had a miscarriage" it's my horror not yours.

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I cry a lot. How can I not? Right before writing this entry I had a very quick sharp pain in my stomach. Probably from sitting in a weird position or something. A thought ran through my head ever so quickly..."I hope the baby is okay" - as soon as I thought it I cried.... my angel was not okay. At least not okay inside of me. My babies are with God no matter how much I want them with me and I cannot change that reality. My angels mommy and daddy will always love you!

Miscarriages have changed my life forever.......