Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Grateful for family and faith

Today we celebrated my dad's birthday. His actual birthday was the 27th but we were unable to celebrate it for two reasons. One because I got my D & C that day and two because my parents and sister were going away for the weekend. I pray that I will not constantly correlate my dad's birthday with the loss of one of my angels.


I love my family.....I am blessed to have the best parents a girl could ask for and a sister that is a joy in my world. I could never have survived my losses without them. My husband is the most significant constant reassurance of enduring love in my life. He is a blessing..... a patient man who evens out my somewhat neurotic worrisome self. He lives and deals with me every day. God bless him for his calmness with me during our hardships in the past and more recently this fresh wound. Nathan I will love you forever, you are my rock.


I am blessed to have faith. To have a Father in Heaven who gives me strength. Honestly without faith and love for the Lord I honestly think I could not survive the horrors of miscarriage. It is a pain too deep to bear sometimes but without God I truly believe my sanity would have left me almost two weeks ago (8/19/10) when I found out our baby grew wings to join our other angel. I know all things happen for a reason and I may never understand why during my life on Earth but God's will for me is perfect. He wants what is best for me so my babies must have really been needed in Heaven. Lord tell them mommy and daddy love them and we will be there to hug them before they can even miss us.


Today we had a lot of fun and laughs with my family as we always do. I cherish those times. I used to drive to work with my mom before I was laid off. Now I do not see her nearly enough. I miss our morning talks on the drive in and our talks (often about work) on the way home. I don't miss my job (LOL) but I do miss that. Today I couldn't help but thinking. Is it okay to laugh? Is it too soon? I know my angels would want me to live a happy life but I want them to know I wish they could share it with us. I don't know if I believe that my children watch me from Heaven. I think that time passes so quickly in Heaven (or is quite non-existent). From their arrival to our arrival to meet them it will seem instantaneous to them. This eases my heavy heart a bit. What will seem like forever for me and Nate will be pain free for our babies. Heaven is love. It is joy and comfort and the perfection that Earth does not grant us. I am glad they did not need to endure the pain and trials of Earth but at the same time I wanted to raise them. To brush their hair, sing with them, and show them how much I loved them. My darlings please know that when we laugh we hope you are smiling too along with us.


I sit hear typing in bed next to my sleeping husband and I want to scream but I do not. I want to throw things but I sit. I sit and I write out my pain until I feel better, I cry because I must. If not I will explode. If I did not write my grief would swallow me hole. This is my therapy and those reading this are my hugs to get through it. This is my journey through losing my babies who were too beautiful for Earth........


  1. Our dads have the same birthday.
    You might always think of your baby on your dad's birthday but maybe, just maybe, in the future that will bring a smile to your face and your heart will fill with only love after all the sadness has gone. In the meantime, I hope you get to sob and scream the next time you need to.
    Walking with you in grief...

  2. Hi Jessica,
    I am so very sorry for your losses of your little ones. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. One thought occured to me when I was reading your posts and forgive me if you already know about this, but have you ever been tested for MTHFR? It often causes women to have multiple miscarriages. My mother had 5 before she had me. A lot of women have the MTHFR along with other complications which is unfortunate.

    Hugs to you and yours,
    ~Emily (jack's mommy)

  3. Thanks Alana :) And what a small world that our dad's have the same birthday!

  4. Emily - I have been researching my ever-loving butt off LOL so I have heard of that and I do not know if I have it. I am going to a specialist on the 10th because my own doctor seems to want to talk me out of every test and I would rather go through all of them rather than risk another miscarriage. Thank you for asking that and I'm sure I will post on what I find out if there are or are not issues! I am sorry for your loss also we will work through it together hopefully with our own happy moments :)

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