Right where I am 2012: 2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, etc....

Angie at Still Life with Circles started started a project called  Right Where I Am - where babyloss parents can share about their grief journey at this point in that walk... it's beautiful and I thank her for creating it so that I may be a part of it and read of others who participate as well. This is my post from last year.

2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks (since we lost Riley)
1 year, 9 months, 5 days (since we lost Peyton)
7 months, 1 week, 3 days (since we lost Cameron)

My grief journey has changed since my post a year ago for this project. In a way I grieve more, but certainly differently. My rainbow baby, Logan Charles, was born on April 29, 2012. He is a pure blessing and a miracle! I will never be able to explain in words how much he means to me. The pregnancy was originally twins but sadly as you can see from above we lost Cameron (somewhere between 10-14 weeks into the pregnancy). That is where my grief journey really took a turn because I was devastated that day beyond words. I had felt like we were being doubly blessed after losing our first two children. That twins were a sign that all would be well, etc. At 7 weeks along when we saw both heartbeats I truly thought all would continue to be well throughout the pregnancy. 7 weeks later that all just crashed and burned. When they did the ultrasound I did not see two babies like I should have.... I knew something was wrong. The tech showed us little baby b (Cameron) who was only now measuring 7 weeks even at the 14 week appt. and of course had no heartbeat. Baby b (Cameron) was gone. My husband and I were bawling at this point and I just needed to know how the other baby was doing. After what seemed like an eternity (but in reality was only seconds I'm sure) she showed us Logan's heartbeat. She went on to tell us he was measuring well and looked perfectly healthy.

That day was quite the turn in my journey. My husband was very upset and couldn't understand why I wasn't MORE upset than I was. I had cried quite a bit of course but I KNEW that I had to keep it together and to not over stress my body and cause harm to my sweet baby a (Logan). I distinctly remember feeling badly that I was not grieving Cameron in the same way that I had grieved Riley and Peyton. Did this make me a bad mom? But I soon realized of course it didn't.... my instinct took over and I KNEW that I had to handle this grief in a different manner, I am a VERY emotional person and I knew it could cause harm to my pregnancy if I was to get too upset over the loss of Cameron. My husband understood this in the end of course and throughout the pregnancy we were terrified that something bad was going to happen. Ultrasounds will ALWAYS be a scary thing for us because other than literally TWO ultrasounds (both with my last pregnancy after losing Cameron) there has always been a loss.... my husband hates ultrasounds and they terrify me as well. We feel we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don't want to blabber on as I did last year (I make no promises but I don't WANT to blabber lol)....


A month before finding out I was pregnant last year I lost my Nana. She was an extremely important person in my life and always will be. I am happy that she is watching my babies in Heaven but as with all losses I selfishly wish she were here to hold and love Logan. My Papa is visiting on Saturday and when mentioning that to my husband I said " Nana and Papa....." and I just started crying..... I still feel like she's here sometimes and I cry as I write this because the loss (as with my babies) just seems like it will always be so new, so fresh, so unbearably raw. Other than my babies she is the greatest loss I have ever dealt with... throughout my pregnancy I would have dreams of her and just cry when I woke up knowing she wouldn't be here to meet Logan. I think I may always cry when I think of her and my babies.... and that's okay...

I am an emotional person... always have been, always will be and that is something I will never apologize for... I am not ashamed of it is any way. I know your body is weighed down with hormones during and after pregnancy but I think Logan has just brought on a whole wealth of new emotions to me. I am a mommy. I have been for two years but now I am a mommy to the WORLD. They can see that. I had my first Mother's Day where I was acknowledged as a mother. Having a living child in my life has, in a way, made my grief more acute. Looking at him makes me realize how precious and perfect my little ones in Heaven must be, makes me realize all that I lost. Makes it more real in a way, though I can't really explain what I mean by that. I cry more often then I used to. Not the baby blues or anything like that. Sometimes I cry happy tears because I feel soooo blessed to just have a baby to love and snuggle and hold in my arms... just looking at him can make me cry tears of joy. Other times I cry because I don't want people to think that he healed my heart completely and that Riley, Peyton, and Cameron are not important to me.... they ALWAYS will be. Sometimes I cry because, well, I'm an overwhelmed and tired mommy (as I'm sure all moms do at times). Basically at this point (we'll see if the hormones are to blame in time) I cry more for my losses, for the gift and blessing of my rainbow baby, for my Nana..... I will not apologize. I am a babyloss mommy and a rainbow mommy. I love all my children equally even though I can't love them all here on Earth in my arms...

Bless you all for reading this... I pray that your journey of grief be as peaceful as possible....

My tattoo for my babies...I sadly have to add Cameron to it still...

Riley, Peyton, Cameron,

Mommy and daddy love you so very much. We will tell your brother all about you! Watch over him and send us peace, love, and many hugs and kisses every day. Give Nana a big hug for mommy. We love you all dearly...

www.heavensdoves.blogspot.com

The past couple weeks....

Logan's birth announcement - I made it myself!!! :)

When "they" say a baby changes everything, "they" aren't kidding! Now I have no idea who THEY are - but you get where I'm coming from....everyone always says get your sleep cause you'll never sleep in again! Go out and have fun, because that's all about to end. Enjoy some movies now because it will be all cartoons soon. Blah blah blah so on and so forth. You get the gist.....

First off I don't see how getting plenty of sleep before I had Logan helps me now that he's here...it doesn't that's dumb advice LOL... Secondly, I find it VERY hard to believe that we will never be able to go out and have fun again - sure we'll miss our son but I think it's important to a marriage for the husband and wife to have their time together....so those that gave that advice I simply ignore....I digress.... people MEAN WELL they just come off as making parenthood seem like this horrible slavery to your child. It's weird.

Nonetheless, the past couple weeks have not, I repeat, NOT been easy. I know, I know, who expected it to be? Well, I didn't expect it to be as difficult as it has been. A lot of this of course is do to lack of sleep. Men you see have this way about them, or at least my husband does.... he can sleep like a rock! Well, I certainly CAN'T - not even a little bit. I was a light sleeper BEFORE Logan was born - and it has not improved. Every little noise he makes can wake me up. We tried the crib and for one time per night (for only 2 hours total on 2 nights) he managed to sleep then that all went away. People say to let them cry it out and soothe themselves and I may be able to do that in the future but not now. I worry about my baby and this mama can not handle letting him bawl his eyes out. Just. Can't. Do. It.....not yet.

So when we brought Logan home the idea was to put him in the crib when he slept/napped....as I mentioned that did not go well. So then I was sleeping in the living room with him in his swing for a few nights. He seems to need to be on a bit of an incline (probably do to reflux issues....I'll explain THAT in a minute) so my sister said our two friends (who also recently had babies) LOVED the Rock N Play.... so THAT is what we got :) that is what he currently sleeps in and boy is that a lifesaver! We can have it in our bedroom unlike the massive swing which was NOT coming back and forth down our hallway! So it was nice the past week or so to actually sleep in our bed again. Still though the first couple days it was a bit hard to sleep because babies move a lot in their sleep at times (Logan does for sure!) and those little movements and noises wake mommy up. Alas, I am getting used to it and sleeping better through all that.

Another thing that really was hard to handle was coming to the realization that I could not breastfeed :*( I was (and still am) rather upset about that. When I was told to give up and do formula it was a day or two filled with many tears. I wanted what was best for my baby and he was such a good nurser and I felt like it was some nasty trick that my milk never came in. That yet again my body was betraying me. Well, when Logan was about 12 days old I called my doc and asked if there was any chance my milk would come in. She said given everything I had tried: pumping, consistent feedings, medicine, etc. that if it hadn't come in yet then it wasn't going to.... so I got out the formula sample container the hospital gave us as a "gift" and gave him his first bottle....crying the whole time. It was an exhausting couple of days and very hard for me to deal with but for the most part I am quite fine with it all now.

Last Wednesday all hell broke loose....maybe a bit dramatic but let's just say it was NOT GOOD! Little Logan was spitting up (more like throwing up as it was SO MUCH formula) so much - at a couple different times he soaked right through all his clothes in a matter of seconds. It was coming out his nose, he would scream in pain. IT WAS TERRIFYING!!! So I called his pediatrician and they brought us in and he wasn't worried because Logan gained weight. Well the rest of the day he would barely eat, didn't sleep good, and still was spitting up a ton. So the next day I called back and said something needed to be done! So the doc told me I could change his formula. We changed to a broken down formula for sensitive tummies. He started improving quickly - ate more, slept better, it's been great!! The doctor wrote a script so that the formula would be covered by WIC which is a real blessing to say the least! It's specialty formula so it's expensive and while I (OF COURSE) would have paid for it no matter what to make Logan better it is nice to have some help with it too!

Sleeping is still a bit of an issue for me. My husband wants to put Logan in his own room but I just don't have that in me yet. I think I'll be able to handle it when he's closer to 2 months. With the scary spit up situations and what not I just can't handle something awful like that happening when I'm not RIGHT THERE to pick him up. I'm a worried mama and I knew that I would be. I have been waiting years for my baby boy and I reserve the right to be a worried mother!

It has been rough - my friends who recently had babies tell me it gets easier...we shall see. I know that I will survive this... I love being a mom but the emotional turmoil is not something that one can be prepared for and I admit it's a bit much for me at moments. My husband doesn't have to deal with the crying or middle of the night feedings, etc. like I do and sometimes I just get aggravated and I am relieved when he is here so I can just hand him Logan so someone else can try to calm him down. Now, mind you, this is not a day to day problem there are days when he is perfectly lovely but there are days when he gets FAR too tired and screams because of it. In moments like this when he ate a ton, diaper is clean, he's getting plenty of snuggles, no temperature, etc. and he STILL cries... those are the moments where he just has to calm himself down. I hate those moments because I feel like a failed mom that I can't calm my baby down. The first fail moment was breast feeding and then the screaming and then the not being able to let him sleep in his room. UGH! It's hard to not beat myself up and then I read articles that say "you need to get your rest because babies can't bond well with a burnt out mom" well GEEZ THANKS! So now not only am I emotional and tired but this freaking article makes me feel like my child won't love me unless I'm well rested. Guess I'm screwed... or they're idiots.... we'll go with they're idiots for sanity's sake! PLEASE don't take this post as a complaint and me not feeling blessed for my baby boy and my wonderful new life. I just wanted to update the reality of what I have gone through. I am in no way depressed, nor do I have the baby blues, I'm just a new mom realizing that it's not easy....

Well, that's the update for now everyone. Little man was grumpy an hour ago and shall soon wake up to eat.  Hopefully his constipation will go away with the doc's advice. Poor little guy doesn't poop for a day or two and then POW tons and tons of poop! Sometimes it's rather comical like when I changed his diaper and as soon as I go to change it he starts grunting and KEEPS GOING lol! He's quite the character and his poop grunts are beyond hilarious ;) although I feel bad cause it must hurt the poor little guy! Either way here's hoping a big poop is coming on so Logan can feel relieved! Here's also hoping that it happens when I change his diaper - as his daddy is a wimp and would probably wake me up to do it which would NOT make me happy!

Lastly, I can't believe my little man is already over 3 weeks old!!! YIKES! On a positive note....I now only weigh 5 lbs. more than before I got pregnant - woo hoo!!!

My baby all snazzy for Mother's Day

After his first sponge bath

More pics coming soon....I am far too tired to upload them right now!

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

Mommy and daddy love you and miss you and wish you were here to love Logan. I know that you send your love and peace to us daily and I hope you feel our love for you. I'm glad you have Nana to love you because it helps mommy feel better that someone so VERY special to me gets to watch my most special angels. One day we will meet and be one huge happy family... until then hold each other close my loves and give Nana hugs and kisses from me, Logan, and mom (your grandma) EVERY DAY! I love you all more than words could ever say and sometimes the loss I feel is just overwhelming. Your brother is a blessing and I thank God every day for him but you all will always be missing from my heart and I will always carry you in it. As my favorite book says "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby(babies) you'll be." I've read that to your brother recently and I can't get through it without crying. I hope you can hear me reading it to, that way it's like I'm reading it to my whole family. I love you my angels... and I always will. 

Logan's Birth Story

For those that read the post weeks ago Logan was originally supposed to be born via a scheduled c-section on April 30th.... well he decided he wanted to choose his birthday.... here is his story.

On April 28th I was feeling HORRIBLE! My stomach was killing me and I barely ate anything, when I tried to eat dinner I threw up 6 times literally one minute after eating... I of course was totally freaked out and worried that something was wrong and this illness could hurt Logan. I called my Obgyn's answering service and asked for a call back from my doctor. Within about 10 minutes he called and basically told me that this could be my body preparing for labor and clearing out my system. He said if I could keep liquids down then there was no reason to be worried. This was at about 7pm and at 9pm I ate some chicken noodle soup (except I ate none of the chicken LOL). Around midnight I went to bed and told my husband he really should too in case I went into labor overnight. He didn't come to bed until 2am. At 3am I woke up to go to the bathroom and halfway down the hallway felt a huge kick... as I sat down to go to the bathroom I thought "huh, I have read about water breaking and they always talk about a big kick... how funny would that be if my water broke." but I didn't REALLY think it would. Well, I sat down and it happened - There was a gush of water and I knew I hadn't peed LOL so then I'm sitting there going ummmm what do I do because I know that it just keeps gushing once it breaks. SO I manage to get up to get a pad and all and I look in the toilet and the water is brown! So I knew that was NOT a good thing as that meant Logan had passed his meconium while in the womb. So I was slightly terrified by the complications that could arise from that but dwelling would not help any of that so I went into prepare mode and got moving. LUCKILY I had packed everything I could weeks before and hours before had packed everything except pillows, etc. in case labor did happen so I didn't have much to grab. I called the hospital and told them my water broke, the meconium was in the water, and that most likely it would still end up being a c-section given my discussion with my doctor.

At around 3:30 or so I woke my husband up. He is not an easy man to wake up. I was like "Nate! Nathan! BABE! Honey WAKE UP!" Finally he was like "What?" I said "My water broke!" He was like "Huh? REALLY?" he then say straight up and said "WHAT DO WE DO?" lol - I said we get our stuff together and go to the hospital silly!!! Then I told him to get ready and I called my parents. They said they would head out as soon as they got ready. Ten I grabbed my list of the last minute things I needed to grab such as pillow, eye mask, ear plugs, etc.

We got to the hospital at about 4:15am and checked in and then we were sent right on up to the maternity ward. I was taken to a room and given the ever lovely hospital gown and told to change, etc. Then I got in bed and they hooked up an IV - first attempt was unsuccessful because they said I was most likely dehydrated from being so sick the day before.... lucky me - I HATE needles! The second attempt failed and the third finally worked - yikes! I was checked and I was 80% effaced and 2cm dilated. My contractions had been pretty light until about 30 minutes of being in bed then they started to suck big time!!! They very quickly went from like 7 minutes apart to 5 minutes apart and after about an hour to an hour and a half they were 2 minutes apart. In the meantime I would like to mention that my water continued to gush out - seriously the GROSSEST most uncomfortable thing ever!! While the contractions were horribly painful the hot water gushing out every couple minutes was just disgusting and horrible - I HATED IT!!!

So at around 8am they checked to see if there was any progress - there was NONE! Geesh! So the doctor was called. When he came in an hour later he checked and I was more like 4-5cm dilated but the head was not in a good position at all, the baby was face up, and given the meconium in the water there could be added risks. So I was given the option of natural labor continuing or choosing a c-section. I choose a c-section. By 9:30 a catheter was put in - I wasn't overly worried about it because I had a catheter put in before but HOLY CRAP it was not good - needless to say the last time I had it done the person was much better - eek! While that was being done Nate was told to put his suit on over his clothes so he could come into the room for the surgery. My contractions were still every 2 minutes at this point and very very painful - I had basically been in tears for over an hour at that point and was terrified of getting the spinal especially with the contractions I was having! Next I was shaved - not cool - you know how they have electric razors with the attachments etc. for cutting men's hair? Well when there is NO attachment it's just that metal thing... well THAT is what they shaved me with - Yikes! Then they rolled me out of the room and into surgery after a kiss from my hubby.

I was beyond terrified when, after switching to the surgical table they asked me to sit on the edge to get my spinal. Upon sitting up a horrible contraction started and I was crying from pain but also from being terrified that I would get another contraction when they gave me the spinal! Luckily they did a fabulous job and it wasn't bad at all!!! The IV and catheter were way worse! After that I had to lay back down and they quickly strapped down both my arms and hung up the blue "curtain" to block the gory show from my eyes ;) Then I they were pinching me to see if I felt pain...I didn't. I heard them calling for Nate (who had apparently ran back to the room for our camera) and a minute or two later he was sitting by me holding my right hand. The meds made me itchy so it was driving me crazy that I couldn't itch my face. After about (I'm guessing) 15 minutes they pulled the "curtain" down and all I saw was Logan's feet and it was back up - no crying!!! 0 they told Nate to sit down and I guess ran over to the warmer with Logan. Nate and I were both crying at this point and had no idea what was going on - all I kept asking was "is he okay???" Finally Nate said he was and seconds later Logan was screaming bloody murder! I asked what time he was born and they told me 10:19am. They brought him over to see me for the first time and after kissing him a few times he punched me LOL - sassy little bugger takes after his mommy ;)

Nate went to the nursery with Logan while they weighed him, etc. and I got put back together. A nurse came in to tell me he weighed 9 lbs. 3 oz. and was 21 inches long. They gave me Zofran halfway through gluing me up (they glue the incision instead of stitching) because I started feeling nauseous and after what seemed like forever (probably more like 40 minutes) they were blowing up this balloon thing around me and sliding me back to my hospital bed (that was entertaining lol).Then I was wheeled back to my room and before going in saw my parents and my papa looking into the nursery watching daddy and Logan :) At that point I believe it was about 11:30am and they asked if I wanted to see Nate - I said sure - then they said he was still in the nursery so I told them to let him stay with Logan and my papa came in to see me. After that my parents came in and after what seemed like forever and about 12:20 or so Nate wheeled Logan in and I got to hold my son in my arms for the first time. Of course I was bawling - I was so happy - it was SO surreal. I was a mommy and I was HOLDING MY SON! I told him he was beautiful and we had been waiting a long time to see him and that his nana and his siblings in Heaven were so happy he was safe! While pieces of my heart will always be with Riley, Peyton, and Cameron I never would have thought I could ever love someone as much as I love my sweet little Logan. My life changed so drastically in that second that I was handed my son. I feel sometimes that there is not enough room in my chest and that my heart will just burst with all the love I have for him. As I write this he is laying on my chest. Snuggling with him is the best feeling in the world. I never would have imagined he would be so amazingly cute or how massive the amount of love I have for him would be. Also just how much more I love my husband for going on this journey with me and seeing him become and amazing father to our son. I am one blessed mama!

I was in the hospital for 5 days. Logan was admitted the 5th day - and I was allowed to stay with him - because he had jaundice and other then when he was feeding he was under the lights for 18 hours straight. It was awful to barely get to see him but they were nice enough halfway through the day to wheel the incubator into my room so that I could at least SEE him. For the most part my stay was lovely. I had my issues but other than one nurse who decided to push with all her might on my uterus (if I hadn't been screaming in pain I would have literally PUNCHED her) the other nurses were all great. I had issues with the fact that they did not have consistent thoughts on breastfeeding and I believe the "advice" I basically had to take (I mean I couldn't get out of bed so what could I do) is what made breastfeeding not possible :( Logan was a great little latcher but all the nurses (except for a select few) kept telling me I had to let him sleep and let him go HOURS without letting me try to nurse him. At one point they let him sleep for 7 hours! So I truly believe this had a HUGE effect on my milk never coming in. I have since gotten over this but not being able to breastfeed was easily the saddest most upsetting part of my recovery so far. I did everything I was told to though so I do not blame myself for this outcome! He is a content little man even if he does have to be formula fed. His jaundice is almost completely gone at this point and he is doing very well. His little stump fell off his belly button yesterday so we look forward to that healing up and are happy that ugly black stump is gone ;) I will try to update when I can, for now here are some more pictures :) if you made it through the whole story - WAY TO GO :) :) and thanks for caring enough to read Logan's lengthy tale :)

Daddy & Logan

 Logan in his car seat on the way home

Welcome home Logan

In his swing :)

all wrapped up in the Moby - mommy doing dishes

Logan loves the Moby :)

Daddy feeding Logan

Logan with his new puzzle stool from Nate's Aunt (and family)

I love this little guy!

I love his "fleeting smiles" in his sleep!

AND his stretching face ;)

What can I say? I could stare at him ALL day long and not be bored one bit!! 

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron-

Thank you for watching over mommy, daddy, and your brother. We love you so much and know that you will always keep a close eye on Logan. Keep sending mommy peace and give Nana lots and hugs and kisses and tell her we can't wait for Logan to meet her one day! <3

Welcome Logan Charles Malloy!!

More to come soon but I know many have been waiting to hear the big news.... so for those of you who aren't friends with me on Facebook --- sorry for the wait! Things have been hectic ;)

Logan Charles decided to choose his own birthday (birth story coming soon with far more info).

He was born on April 29th at 10:19am via c-section. 9 lbs. 3 oz. and 21 inches long :)

Perfect in every way and far cuter than I could have ever imagined. We are soo soo blessed! I know Riley, Peyton, and Cameron were smiling down on us and watching over us through the whole pregnancy and especially through labor.

Not happy - he was comfy inside mommy

Meeting Logan for the very first time

Logan with Cameron "Molly Bear" 

Logan with his proud daddy

Looking dapper in his going home outfit

Our blessed, happy family