VLOG for video blog round-up

I saw this on Still Life with Circles and thought what a great idea for OTHER people to do LOL. I cannot even express to you how much I did NOT want to post a video. Pregnancy does not make me glow or in any way make me look lovely LOL and I'm not thrilled to put this kept hidden look out there for the world to see. Thank you to Angela and Kara for giving me the extra push I needed to get my words/voice out there.

This is me - where I spend most days - on the couch in pjs with my cat (you can't see her but she's behind me on the top of the couch lol) but most nights I am asleep by now (it is past 2am by the time this was uploaded).... I hate my voice on recording and for some reason all my posts I like are long winded EEK! Sorry for the long video!!

I had to upload to you tube (which took a long time) - Blogger wasn't havin' it!

For those who made it through that whole vlog - way to go! After finishing it I couldn't bear to make another one, even if it was shorter. I'm an emotional wreck LOL but listening to this strong little one's heartbeat afterward sure made it better :) I will sleep with a peaceful heart tonight while also being proud of myself for doing something that was so hard...

Much love to you all who share this journey with me through the loss of my angels: Riley, Peyton, and Cameron and the celebration of my growing strong rainbow I hope to hold in my arms in April. You all mean the world to me!

On that note - make a guess in my expectnet baby pool (top of my blog) I plan to do a giveaway of some sort for the winner. I know - you need to stick around 6 months to find out who wins lol but you'll be okay ;) 

Doc appt. update!!

Well, this is a quick update because mama bear is tired ;) LOL

Saw the doctor today and all is well. Nice STRONG heart beat of 153!! The doc said that they will have to keep an extra close eye on me throughout the pregnancy for cervical length and bleeding etc. since I lost baby b. So I will be getting many more ultrasounds then I would with a normal pregnancy. She did say though that there is no reason to worry at this point because there is a nice (I'll caps it again) STRONG heart beat!!!! :) :)

ALSO extra fun news! The doc said at my appt. on Monday the 21st (the Monday before Thanksgiving) I can have a quick non-official sonogram to show if we are having a boy or a girl!!! :) YEAAAA!!!!

SUPER EXCITED! 25 days till we know team blue or pink!!! <3 <3 <3

Also we have named our sweet baby b.... Cameron :)

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron,
We love you sweet babies! We miss you more than we could ever explain. Watch over us and your sweet sister/brother and keep us safe through the rest of this pregnancy. I'm sure you all love to play but I know that you want your brother/sister to be with us if they can be! We love you sooo very much! Hug Nana for me! <3

Update & ABC's of me

For a quick update here. We are still in shock over the loss of baby b and trying to come up with a name. Everything seems to be going good with baby a. I got a fetal doppler the other day and found his/her heartbeat (I THINK anyways it's kinda hard to get used to using it so I am working on it though I am sure it will get easier as the baby gets bigger). I wish I felt comfortable taking it to the doctor and asking him to show me how to use it but I think he would not approve of me having one because he thinks "not worrying" solves everything - which we all know is NOT true. My next appointment is on Thursday and I am hoping that I will get my 18 week anatomy scan set up before Thanksgiving! I'll update more after that appointment until then enjoy this useless information about me ;) ..............

A. Age:30

B. Bed size: Queen but I dream of owning a king size bed one day!

C. Chore you hate: What chore DON'T I hate? I guess the worst is dishes!

D. Dogs:My husband is dying to get one I told him when all our future children were at least 5 years old. Dogs are a lot of work - currently we have a cat that I have had for 7 1/2 years :)

E. Essential start to your day: Bagel with cream cheese and OJ

F. Favorite color: RED

G. Gold or silver. Silver - white gold is also okay I can't stand yellow gold at ALL!

H. Height: 5'7 1/2 inches

I. Instruments you play: I played clarinet in band in middle school, piano briefly before that, both didn't work out since I can't read music - I prefer to use my vocal chords as my instrument ;)

J. Job title: Baby incubator!

K. Kids: Three angels - Riley (2/11/10) Peyton (8/19/10) Baby B (10/14/11)

L. Live: New York State... the most expensive taxes in the universe ;) Up near Niagara Falls

M. Mother's name: Pamala (yes with ALL a's)

N. Nicknames:Well in high school I had many but now... Jess is an obvious one, My dad calls me "Boo" (because we used to play hide and seek but I called hide and seek "boo" LOL), My husband calls me Sassy Pants, Jessy Bean, & Baked Bean (more recently... I joke because I am "baking" a baby lol)... I think that's it

O. Overnight hospital stays: hmm none that I can remember.

P. Pet peeves: OK here it goes... Asking for advice that you then not only don't listen to but literally do the opposite and then later say I wish I would have listened to you! UGH! People not using their blinkers (it is FREE is comes with the car USE IT and stop trying to kill me). People singing a song over and over and getting it stuck in my head. Bad waitresses (I was one and there is no excuse for ignoring customers)! Movies with an open ending (UGH - I don't want to guess what happened I want you to TELL me). People that use their cell phone in the bathroom! There's probably many more LOL!

Q. Quote from a movie: "I would rather have three minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." - Steal Magnolias

R. Right or left handed: Right handed. (odd fact though - every guy I have ever dated has been left handed - and my husband shares the same birthday as two of my ex-boyfriends - different year but same day - strange right?

S. Siblings: One younger sister - she's 26

T. Time you wake up: Lately like 10am or so. I let this pregnant body get as much sleep as possible! Soon I doubt I will sleep this well so I plan to enjoy it!

U. Underwear: Uncomfortable lately that's for sure... they don't fit good at all UGH! lol

V. Vegetable you hate: hmm I don't much like pees, I HATE onions, lima beans, squash, cucumbers, probably lots more - I like weird vegetables...

W. What makes you run late: Life in general lol

X. X-rays you have had: hmmm I have had an x-ray of my thyroid, of my upper respiratory tract, my foot, (if an MRI counts I've had one of my whole body LOL), my teeth, that's all I can think of ;) not that it's not enough LOL

Y. Yummy food that you make: I LOVE the crockpot nachos I make (fair warning split this recipe in half if only feeding 2 or 3), Potato Skins, These cheesy biscuits (that taste like the red lobster biscuits!), and baked chicken strips. May I just say that Pinterest is a GREAT place to find recipes! It's where I found ALL of those!!

Z. Zoo animals: I love to see the snakes, lions and tigers (I lump them together for some reason), giraffes are beautiful, and elephants rock! OH and when we went to Virginia I saw a kangaroo for the first time! I would LOVE to see a cheetah someday!

 

Well there is most likely FAR more information about me then you ever cared to read LOL! 

 

 

Ultrasound: Good and bad news

We had our ultrasound yesterday morning around 8:45am EST. As soon as the tech started the ultrasound I knew something was wrong. I could not see two babies. I was right. Baby B is no longer with us (he/she probably passed away 2-3 weeks ago) and we are devastated. My heart practically stopped for a minute until she showed us the heartbeat of Baby A. Then, through my tears, I started to breathe again. How do you handle such a thing? How does someone get through something so tragic that is followed by something so joyful with seconds? I still don't know. I handle it because I have to not because I want to. I would never choose to go through this nor would I wish it upon my worst enemy. I now have three angels. My mom says my Nana is loving it up in Heaven right now caring for all my little ones. I'm sure she's right.

My dream of having two babies in my arms in April have been crushed. I still do have strong faith and hope for our other little healthy tater tot. He/she is measuring ahead 12 weeks 6 days/ 13 weeks and I was 12 weeks 4 days at the ultrasound. So that is GREAT news.

We saw our little one moving around. We saw tater tot's hands, feet, and brain. For the first time ever we heard one of our babies' heartbeats. What a beautiful sound. They said that this happens very often and that there is no need to worry about Baby A and my body will just absorb Baby B and the loss will never negatively effect the other child. This was reassuring to know. There were many tears from both me and my husband during that ultrasound. Much grief intertwined with much joy. My mother came in halfway through the ultrasound (after we knew of the loss - though of course I told her about it) and we all got a good laugh when our little one made the strong arm position like he/she was flexing their muscles ;) That was great (see pics below).

We will be able to find the sex out on Dec. 2nd at the specialist (the ultrasound is technically to check for birth defects). But if my regular doc can get me in sooner (I was hoping to know by Thanksgiving) then I will gladly take him up on that! The specialist informed us that we went from a very high risk pregnancy to what should be a rather boring one. Through all her kind words all I could think was I was ready for the high risk. But apparently two babies were not meant to be. I thank God for the one still growing inside me.

Terrifying to think of future pregnancies (I know I'm getting a bit ahead of myself). My husband said, "Well technically isn't this your first "normal" miscarriage (as my other ones were attributed to my septum)?". I said, "Yes I just hope that it's the last one, I don't want to go through loss every time I am pregnant." I hope it is my last loss. All I can do is hope and pray though. Only God knows what will happen.

On another note:
Today I had a friend tell me that I should "be ready for anything" and "hope that 'anything' doesn't happen"... Are things like this supposed to make me feel better? THEY DON'T! Honestly they piss me off. The friend continued to say "Don't dwell on it". REALLY!?! I'm sorry is my grieving my child really upsetting YOUR life so much? It happened less than 48 hours ago and I'm DWELLING on it? I don't dwell. I grieve in a perfectly freaking healthy manner. Anyone who doesn't think so can take a flying leap OUT of my life. People should not presume to KNOW what I am going through when they have never lost a child. I don't need your judgment I have enough problems....

I guess Gabby (my cat) was still laying with me because. well... there was still a baby. Just not two any longer... she laid with me again today. Such a sweet cat (at least when I'm pregnant LOL).

We had plans yesterday to celebrate. After the visit we discussed whether those plans should continue or if we should just go home. We decided that none of our angels would want us not to celebrate their brother/sister.... so we still carried on with our plans. We went to the movies and out to eat. Tears were mixed throughout the day but it was a nice time considering the circumstances.

Our little one was moving around...

I'm pretty sure that's the heart you can see :)

Tater tot's face :) (slightly halloween-esque lol)

Baby brain and sweet arm and profile!!

Brains again! ;)

On the move again...

STRONG ARM!  Flexing and telling us he/she is okay!

Riley, Peyton, Baby B, 
I love you all and miss each of you terribly. Please be there for each other since I can't be there with you. Spend lots of time with your Nana because I know how much she wanted more grandchildren and she will be thrilled to have the three of you with her. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you so very much <3

What it's like to be me....

First off I want to start this by saying I am 12 weeks and 2 days along with my twins today and as far as I know all is going well. I have finished all 4 seasons of Felicity and need a new series to watch (suggestions appreciated)! On Friday I go to my specialist for a consult and an ultrasound where I can finally gain some actual peace of mind that all is well officially. Please realize this post is NOT me being depressed it is imply explaining what is like to be a BLM (or at least what it is like for ME as a BLM).

Don't judge me for discussing my grief. If you have never gone through the loss of a child you have no right to tell me that blogging about it is unhealthy. This helps me people judging me does not. If you DON'T plan to judge then feel free to read on, if you are judgmental then please stop reading this and my blog in general.....

For those stumbling upon this blog who may not know my story here is a shortened version....
My first pregnancy was care free until it ended abruptly at 7 weeks (2/11/10) after telling everyone we knew but before we ever saw a doctor. The first sonogram I ever got showed my dead baby. Riley was gone. That was the day my life changed. Forever. Six months later 10 weeks into my second pregnancy (8/19/11) I lost my Peyton. This was after a couple positive ultrasounds and a mere 3 days after seeing the heartbeat for the 3rd time. Almost a year after losing Riley I had surgery to remove a septum in my uterus that was the most likely cause for both my losses as my case was very severe. This is a condition 1 in 1,000-2,000 women are born with but most often do not find out until they have had miscarriages.

Being a BLM is not easy and becoming pregnant doesn't make it easier. I am, of course, THRILLED to be pregnant with twins but it is a scary, scary thing for me. The naivety most women have during pregnancy is now long gone. My first rainbow baby (a baby born after the loss of a child) did not survive and I worry about my twin rainbows.

For this entire pregnancy when I go to the bathroom (sorry for the TMI) I check for spotting. I worry every time that I will be spotting.

I worry about eating - I make sure I don't eat anything that is possibly unsafe for my babies. Many woman probably don't even worry about this but there are MANY things you are told to be careful of... to name just a few: creamy dressings (caesar, ranch, honey mustard,etc.) from restaurants, deli meat, unpasturized soft cheeses such as feta and bleu cheese, unpasturized apple cider, fish/seafood that is high in mercury... and like I said that is just a few items.

I worry that my babies are okay. It has been 5 weeks since my last ultrasound and while my prenatal visit went well it also went well with Peyton but Peyton was gone. That terrifies me. My doctor doesn't use a fetal doppler in the office because it is two hard to tell if you are hearing both heartbeats so without an ultrasound I don't have any definite proof that all is well.

I have normal worries too. I worry about finances and having everything we will need to take care of our babies. I worry about questions people will ask me when it is obvious I am pregnant (and not just plump).

You never realize how daunting some simple questions can break a BLMs heart. I NEVER would have thought that "Do you have any other children?" or "Is this your first?" could be so painful. Now I know different.

Until Friday I have my cat to make me feel all is well. She lays with me and for the past 3 years she ONLY has laid with me when I was pregnant. So she reassures me, which I greatly appreciate :)

So for those who read through this... thank you... and for those that are not BLMs remember to not judge those who have been through situations that you do not understand. And remember when you are encountered by someone who may not be all that friendly that you never know what that person is going through. Kindness, empathy, and a SIMPLE "I'm sorry" can go a long way in all situations.

This song is "Again" by Flyleaf - I saw them in concert for the 3rd time a couple days after losing Riley... this song and the lyrics below it - brought me to tears...



They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again



Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. I miss you so much right now. Hug Nana for me.

Operation "Boring as hell"

So folks I am now 11 weeks 1 day along :)

In case you don't remember my doctor said "bed rest, bed rest, bed rest." To be more specific he said that my life should be "boring as hell". I admit I am not treating it as strict bed rest. I sit up at the computer. I went out to a movie and dinner with my husband. But for the most part I admit my life is certainly on line with doctor's orders: "boring as hell".

Now I must say I am VERY used to this boring life. I have been unemployed since last May so needless to say I am VERY used to sitting around and not doing much. I have decided that in my complete maternity boredom I will start watching seasons of shows. I tried Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares but I mean that is not the type of show I can handle watching episodes and episodes in a row of.... it's a whole lot of British people saying the F word far to many times LOL at least it was the first episode I watched (and most people who use the F word continuously ALWAYS do). So I was checking out Netflix and I saw FELICITY! I used to LOVE that show! So I watched the pilot and couldn't remember a lot of it (I mean it has been over 9 years since that show ended).... so I decided hey if I have to sit around all the time why not relive my high school/college love of Felicity!! :) So I watched 10 episodes yesterday - YIKES I know! 75 more to go LOL ;) but I got nothing but time!

So I am still quite annoyed that I didn't get that ultrasound but I'm starting to get over it. I don't really have much of a choice. Currently the only thing I have that makes me feel like my tater tots are okay is Gabby laying near my belly. Weird but true.  My first trimester screening is Oct. 14th with my perinatologist I have a maternal/fetal consult and an ultrasound. So that is what I have to look forward to, that is my next milestone appoinment to make it to. For now I have Operation "boring as hell" and for the next however many days: Felicity ;)

Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you. I miss you and I feel like you're with me when Gabby cuddles my belly. Is that your way of showing me you're watching over us? If so... thank you.