A Year Ago Today

Last year this day was not so hopeful. It was filled with sadness. A multitude of tears and my grief was multiplied as I heard the words "there is no heartbeat" for the second time in a very very short 6 months.

I had been to the doctor's office on the 16th and had seen a quick ultrasound to ease my worry and there was the beautiful heartbeat. I was right around 10 weeks that day. A mere three days later... my Peyton had gone to Heaven. I'll never know what day it was (at least not while on this Earth) but I know it was in the short span of three days. I had stopped worrying after seeing that heartbeat on the 16th. I had no consistent spotting as I did with Riley. Nothing to make me think that anything was wrong. I even went to get my blood work done. MANY many tubes of blood - UGH I hate doing that. I have been poked with needles so much in the last year and a half I should be used to it but I'm NOT I still hate it!! Those three days I was blissfully happy to be pregnant. Because I had no idea what was to come...

I went to the doctor's appointment on the 19th alone. Because...well it was a simple checkup I had just had a sonogram and everything was fine. Well the check up went great - he said everything looked perfect. Then he brought out the fetal doppler. He searched around for 10 minutes. No heartbeat. He said this was unusual but not necessarily alarming. I think he knew it was alarming and he just didn't want to upset me.

They scheduled me to come back in 30 minutes and get an ultrasound. I talked to the nurse about getting a print out from the sonogram this time so I could show my husband. I even scheduled my 16 week appointment. Then I went to lunch at a Mexican restaurant nearby (that I have not set foot in since that day). I went back and the regular ultrasound showed no heartbeat - which should have tipped me off because 3 days beforehand it showed a heartbeat. But I was STILL calm and naive, I went to the bathroom and came back for a transvaginal ultrasound. This time I knew. I had seen a heartbeat enough times at that point to know there wasn't one. So before she went to get the doctor I said "There's no heartbeat is there?" and she said "no, I'm going to go get the doctor."

I sat there alone bawling my eyes out. Sobbing uncontrollably thinking that probably everyone in the office could hear me. But I didn't care. My world was being crushed again. My baby had died again. It seemed inhumane that I was going through this 6 months after losing Riley. I felt like the world was against me and I was PISSED that I was alone. I was SO angry that I had stopped worrying and been dumb enough to come to the doctor alone.

The doctor came in and said he was sorry but that he knew someone who had SIX miscarriages and then had 4 children. This did NOT make me feel better! Looking at someone who is devastated to have TWO miscarriages and putting the possibility of SIX out there is not helpful at all! I know he meant well but it did not help! I left that day totally beaten down. I felt like the weight of the world was crushing my chest and it was hard to breathe. I texted my husband and told him to call me and when he did I told him the tragic news. Then I called my mom, my dad, my sister, my aunt, and my cousin.

In tears I drove to my cousin's house I briefly cried before her son came in the room and then I just hugged him. Later her daughter woke up and I played with them both a bit. Then I went home. The rest is a blur of tears. It was a BAD BAD day.

I am hoping that today is a vast improvement. I need good news today, positive thoughts, and joy. Tomorrow I am in a craft show. Last year it was a good distraction - this year I hope it is a positive, fun-filled day rather than just a distraction. I have faith and I know that God has big plans for me!



Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy will always love you and we will never ever forget you.

When will things improve?

Geico turned me down for the chance at a job YET AGAIN! It's so incredibly depressing to be paying loans for schooling that I can't get a job in (art teacher) and THEN on TOP OF THAT have people turn me down for jobs BECAUSE of my teaching degree. SERIOUSLY? If I could have found a teaching job I would be in one by now OBVIOUSLY! I don't see that as much of an option anymore really - I don't get interviews - no one is hiring, everyone is getting rid of art teachers. I went to school for a dying career. I'm screwed.

They say GET AN EDUCATION OR YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR LIFE! Ha! I got a great education Associate's, Bachelor's, AND Master's and it's not doing CRAP for me! There are probably a TON of people out there with nothing more that high school education and they have better luck at getting jobs than I do.

Of course I wish I could stay at home and do art, or something and we could still survive but that's sadly not possible - I wish it was but it's not. So here I sit looking for jobs that simply don't exist and those I do apply to don't even call me.

THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH to all those professors out there who said teaching was a GREAT field to go into and I'd get a job right away. Guess when you're giving the school money they will blow and amount of lies up your butt till you finish your degree. THANKS FOR NOTHING.

Everyone is going to think I am a loser if I end up being pregnant and can't find a job. And I want people to be HAPPY when they find out not secretly JUDGING me because I don't have a job! And if I do end up pregnant I will be THRILLED but if I get too far along then no one will want to hire me because I am pregnant - mind you they can't SAY that but that will be why...

When when WHEN will things get better? Because honestly I have had enough! The past year and a half has been filled with far too much sadness and loss and I need it to get better.

Dreamland

I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. Which for some reason has made me feel restless. Makes it difficult to sleep and when I do sleep I don't feel like I slept well.

Last night for the first time ever I had a dream that we had a baby. I have had dreams of babies that in my dream was Riley or Peyton but that I knew could never happen you know? They are in Heaven and I know that. While it was nice to see them in my dream like they were alive on Earth I know they aren't. This dream however was so realistic and I knew it was my baby boy. He was so sweet. So well behaved and he loved his momma. I would guess he was about 6 months old in the dream. He was cuddling with me and smiling and laughing and I was so very in love with that little boy. My baby boy.

It was surreal.

When I woke I IMMEDIATELY wanted to go back to sleep and see my baby again. Hold my little boy. Alas, I had to wake up and make a dish to take to my Nana's second memorial service. A sad time. I cried SO much more at this service than I did at last weeks. Overemotional? Is Aunt Flo coming to visit? I HOPE NOT!!

I barely ever dream and I certainly never remember my dreams so clearly. I wish I was good at drawing faces because maybe then I could have sketched his face when I woke up. Some say you have weird dreams when you are pregnant. I hope that's true because I hope that I am.

For now I'm going to try to finish my book "The Help" (as I am seeing the movie this week) then I am going to sleep and pray that I dream of my future child(ren).

Momma loves you Riley & Peyton!!!

Sneak attacks suck...

It just hits me sometimes ya know? Like a ninja sneak attack. And it SUCKS!

I was just taking a shower this morning and thinking about how the craft show I am in is coming up. Then I started thinking... last year when I was preparing for the craft show I was thrilled to be pregnant. By the time the craft show happened it was two days after I found out my sweet Peyton had gone to heaven. I was still carry Peyton but I knew I was no longer pregnant with a live baby. The only thing worse than that is finding out your baby is no longer alive. People that day that knew probably thought wow she's doing pretty well.... I wasn't. It was just good to have a distraction. But I wasn't doing well. No where near well.

Then I thought if Riley hadn't died I would have an 11 month old right now. If Riley did die but Peyton didn't I would have a 5 month old. In a few weeks I will have passed BOTH my children's angelversaries. Oh how I hate those days.

Even thinking back on the words "no heartbeat" make me want to vomit. Literally. Almost a year ago I found out Peyton was gone. Almost a year and a half ago I found out Riley was gone. It's sad that in the future I will dread sonograms SO much. Sad. But true. Sad that I am 30 with no children.

Sneak attacks SUCK.