Baby Love

Not much time to post today (as usual)... my boy keeps me busy and when he doesn't I have to do boring crap like clean bottles and do dishes (BOO!) HOWEVER I am sure these super cute videos will make up for my lack of words :) ENJOY!

Conundrum

I'm so sick of myself - I'm such a conundrum - my life is just one big freaking conundrum. A nonsensical ride through parenthood. I'm blessed to have Logan but also just so done with being tired. I
am happy my husband works nights but then also pissed he works nights because I get no help if Logan doesn't sleep in his bed at night. I am in love with my son beyond all measure but so mad that he sleeps better during the day then at night lately and I want to throw a little 1 year old temper tantrum right this very second. I love my husband for being a fabulous daddy and helping far more then many fathers probably do but I get frustrated because he certainly doesn't "get" the lack of sleep and energy that I have put into the last 7+ weeks.

If one more person IRL gives me advice and says "it'll get better any day now" or "I remember those days" I'm going to scream! I'm going to literally rip my hair out, throw my hair in their face, and then scream at the top of my lungs for them to SHUT UP! Give me some USEFUL advice because telling me it will "get better any day now" doesn't do crap for me - literally it is the equivalent of saying - "yep it sucks huh?" at least saying THAT would be a statement and not a piece of "advice"shrouded in complete crap.

As I write this I don't blame you if you hate me right now. I don't blame you if you think - "WOW what a horrible ungrateful mother she is!" I really don't blame you! I deserve those thoughts and honestly I think that of myself at least one to one trillion times a day. You know what I'd love? I'd love to sleep.... even more than that though I would love to not feel a whole heap of guilt for wanting  needing to sleep. Lately Logan will barely sleep solidly unless he is sleeping ON someone's chest. Sure, of course, you say - lay him down - he'll scream but he'll stop sooner or later - blah blah blah. Yea, ok, SURE take a guilt ridden mother and tell her to let her child scream for hours.... no thank you. Remember two posts ago? The kid screamed off and on (more ON then off) for practically 6 hours straight.... so please tell me what good will laying him down and letting him scream really do for me? Exactly - it will do nothing!

So please - if you read this and you have kids - tell me a moment when YOU were at your wits end! Tell me how you handled it.... if you dealt with this sleep issue what did you do? I promise not to complain about your advice in future posts I REALLY do want it! For extra credit tell me how one earth I am supposed to survive on 4 hours of sleep for the rest of my life....or until the magical day when "things turn around" (whatever THAT means)....

Well laid plans....

My husband and I just had our 4 year anniversary on June 14th and as I mentioned in the previous post we had plans to celebrate the following day. Well, life doesn't work how you think sometimes and sadly my mom ended up being very sick. We think with food poisoning. Although I was disappointed that our plans would be cancelled I was extremely worried about my mom! She, being the lovely person that she is, was so worried that I would be sick or Logan would be sick - because she was just over here hours before being sick. I told her there was no need to be worried because I was sure Logan would have shown signs of being sick already and I was feeling just fine (other than my normal exhaustion and somewhat nauseousness because of it - but that has become rather normal).

So given the change in plans and after being up all night with Logan who lately will not sleep unless laying on me or my hubby..... I decided I would take advantage of the time and get an extra hour of sleep. I woke Nate up, told him of the change in plans and said I was going to bed for a few hours. When I woke up, of course, I was still exhausted (when am I NOT?) but happy to spend time with Nate (my husband) and Logan :)

We ate lunch and then I ran an errand while Nate watched Logan. Around 6pm I was SO tired I could barely keep my eyes open so Nate took over so I could take a nap. He woke me up after an hour (as planned) and I went and picked up our dinners that we had ordered (fish fry - yum!). As I left the house I realized how extremely tired I still was - I picked up our food - and on the way home called my mom as I had missed her call during my nap. She is a fabulous mom and grandma and wanted to check in and make sure we were all still feeling okay. I told her we were fine but that I was just SO tired and I started crying. Then she started crying because she felt bad that she couldn't babysit so we could go out. I told her to not feel bad at all and that really it probably would have been a disaster if we went out because I would have been so tired and then I would have felt bad if I couldn't enjoy myself. When I got home with our food I was still crying and Nate of course was concerned and thought something had happened.

I told him nothing happened I was just over extended and beyond exhausted - it had been 7 weeks with no more than 3.5 hours sleep at one time! I was just done and had hit rock bottom with my exhaustion. So even though I wanted to be able to spend time with him and watch a movie (or the epic walk across Niagara Falls) he told me to go to sleep after I ate. So I did. I was not able to fall right asleep (crazy how your body even in total exhaustion can manage to be too worried or over think so that you can't sleep - UGH) but when I came out to go to the bathroom Nate suggested I take tylenol pm - so I did - went back to bed read a bit and fell asleep. I slept from about 10pm till 4:40am (with a couple bathroom breaks and checking in on hubby and baby). Then I came out and relieved Nate so he could get some hours sleep before we started our Saturday events. He is still sleeping now and though I am SURE I could have easily slept MUCH longer I am blessed to have had that 6+ hours sleep. My mom said she would be happy to let me catch extra sleep at night after she gets out of work a couple nights during the week so I am sure that will help too.

So yesterday was a change of plans for sure and this mommy needed that. Though I was sad to have to wait a week to celebrate our anniversary man that was a blessing in disguise (though I wish my poor mom wasn't ill)! I feel improved today although I admit I am already planning out a way to get some extra hours of sleep in tonight... we'll see how that works out.

Thank you for the comments and encouragement lately. I am sorry that I don't have more positive posts but mommyhood - especially mommyhood of a colicy baby - has really hit me lately. Yesterday when I was so upset from being tired all I could do was feel so guilty because I just wanted to SLEEP! I love my baby boy with all my heart but wow he is tiring and I am very glad that my husband is so hands on and was able to give me that time off to sleep. The little one actually let me put him in his rock n play for a bit so I am going to TRY to rest before I wake hubby up. Much love to you all - please pray that I get a better handle on my sleep and on handling my little screamer. Even more please pray that his colic not last much longer. I feel so bad for the little guy and there is nothing I can do for him - which I HATE!

Surviving....

"Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three...."

No , sadly folks we are not in the chocolate factory with Willy Wonka! This lyric started playing in my head as I laid in the recliner with Logan on my chest asleep....man did I have to pee but the poor guy needed to sleep so I was staying put dang it!! Let me tell you when he woke up to eat and I got to pee that was GREAT lol :)

He wasn't as bad yesterday (or so far today...fingers crossed and prayers said). I hear colic comes in blocks - a few bad days, a couple good, repeat..... today (6/14) is my 4 year anniversary with my hubby...while we didn't see each other much today tomorrow we have plans :) thank goodness for my parents! My mom has helped SO much and they love to babysit and we NEED time together especially with the sleep issues lately!

Thank you to everyone for your loving comments on my last post. I am sure there will be more frustrating posts to come but for now I am just feeling blessed to have wonderful parents, an amazing husband (who thank goodness - works nights or i'd never sleep), and a baby in my arms to snuggle!

Hopefully Logan will be kind to mommy tonight and at least let me sleep 3 hours like last night!!!

Mommy mayhem

If you stopped on by hoping to read a fluffy post please refrain from reading.... ALSO please do not judge me and leave me a nasty comment - I have to approve comments so your attention seeking - need to slap me in the face with a rude bs remark - will get you nowhere....move along if you plan to be THAT person...

With that said life has been rough lately. Please do not take this as me being ungrateful for my rainbow Logan because I am VERY grateful! I love him with ever fiber of my being but when you get no sleep for days on end your rope to reality becomes rather frayed.

"I am a horrible mommy" has been playing through my head like a skipping record for days now. Logan screams.... he SCREAMS and SCREAMS and for no reason. No dirty diaper, not because he's hungry, not because he needs attention.... he just screams. He's often tired... I mean you would be too if you were 6 weeks old and has 3 freaking 30 minute naps in a span of 7-8 hours! But I mean MY GOODNESS you would not believe how much and how loud he screams and he doesn't just get tired and pass out! He JUST.KEEPS. GOING! It's unreal! Yesterday was the worst. He was like this over the weekend but my husband was home. Well yesterday he worked so from 3pm on it was just me....I cried. I cried a lot because, well, it hurts my heart to not be able to help my son relax. It makes me feel like a horrible mommy.

Yes, mind you, I realize that I'm sure this is colic and it's hit it's peak of horrificness (yes I know this is not a word) and that this is not my fault.... but tell that to an over-tired woman who for 9 months dreamed of bonding with her baby. Dreamed of a screaming baby that no one could soothe until MOMMY picked him up. Well, dreams they were, that's for sure. I know this is a stage. He will "grow out of it" blah blah blah... Well you know what? I'm going insane!

Here's how yesterday worked - 3pm awake and screaming - ate - still screaming - gave him a bath (he likes those) - then more screaming - slept for 30 minutes - then awake for hours - more screaming - tried to play - didn't help - ate again then slept 35 minutes - then awake for hours - more screaming - another bath (again he likes that so he calmed down) - more screaming again - finally slept another 30 minutes... More screaming until at 11pm he goes to sleep until 2am - my husband feeds him and he fell asleep at 3 - he brings him to bed at 4am and Logan's awake again at 5am! I feed him, he falls asleep at 6 - I take him to bed at 7 he's up at 7:30... I wake my husband up at 8am and finally get to sleep from 8:30-noon. Without that last 3 1/2 hours I don't know WHAT I'd do! Thank goodness my husband works nights! Since then he has slept a 30 minute nap and was screaming in between but has been sleeping 2 hours so far laying on me. I know, I know - I should lay him in his bed - well SERIOUSLY after the time he has been having I just want the child to sleep! I feel awful!!!

So at 5am I was just miserable I figured after not sleeping all day he would HAVE to sleep at night! Not so much..... so I was just crying, just SO tired. I don't blame the poor kid, he's just a baby but I need to sleep too! And you can't very well "sleep when baby sleeps" if he only sleeps 30 minutes! Rather useless to sleep 30 minutes! Seriously wondering hoe people manage to have a bunch of kids! I can't imagine going through this with a 2 year old in the house too! Just terrifying!

Last night I was searching blogs of other BLMs who had their rainbows before me - looking for some help for the 6 week age... well apparently their babies weren't colicky because I found no help. Which just made me feel worse - the equivalent of googling an ailment - just not helpful in the least. So I am just geared up and terrified for another scream filled day. I pray that this is just a baby who really needs to poop or something like that because they say colic can last up till 4 months and I can't imagine another 5 weeks of this..... pray for my sanity. I was finally feeling like things might improve.... friends told me it gets better at 6 weeks and then all hell broke loose right when it was supposed to "get better".

When I did get my moments of sleep I actually had dreams that someone cured my screaming Logan problem... only to wake up to screaming Logan and realize it was only the warped reality of my dream where he was cured and there was still nothing I could do to help.... :*(

He's so precious to me and I hate to see him so upset! Please pray that things improve. I love the poor little dude and I just want him to be a happy little snuggly baby again!

In other news... I posted HERE about my Nana who passed away 7/15/11 from cancer. My papa is now marrying one of her (well his too I suppose) friends in August. I am really hurt by this. They started "seeing each other" 3 months after my Nana died and while I KNOW my Papa loved my Nana that just seems extreme. They were married over 50 years so yea I know he's not used to being alone but my goodness!! UGH! This just really hurts my heart and the idea of her being around on Christmas which was SUCH a huge important holiday for my Nana is just horrible to me.... when my mom told me I cried (she didn't know that) - I can't imagine how my mom is handling this okay because I certainly am not. I can't imagine her EVER being Logan's grandma! Anyways... that's just been hard.... 

Hubby did get a promotion though and we have been preapproved for a loan for a house that we plan to start searching for.... hopefully things will continue to improve!

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron - 

Mommy and Daddy love you so much and even though your brother is a handful we wish you were all here with us. We will always miss you and love you! Please give Nana hugs and kisses we miss her dearly too!