Thursday, April 26, 2012

Update....Logan's coming soon :)

So we had the appointment with my doctor today. He started out by measuring my uterus....if only I could have taken a picture of the look on his face!! It measured 44 cm!!! YIKES Logan is a big boy there is NO doubt about that!! So then he did a quick exam and surprise, surprise (note sarcasm) there has been (yet again) NO progress. His head is nowhere near engaged. He couldn't even feel my cervix and my bishop score is a 0 out of 10 - I am completely unfavorable for induction. Also given the narrowness of my pelvic bones most likely even if I was induced Logan wouldn't fit anyways. On top of that he said he could tell where his shoulders were and if his head managed to fit most likely his shoulders wouldn't.... So all in all I COULD wait longer but he should have dropped by now and likely won't fit anyways so c-section is the best option.

I am fine with this and feel it is certainly the best decision for me. I want my boy here safely and he doesn't seem able to make it on his own and I am sure not going to wait too long and have something awful happen. So c-section it is!! We go into the hospital at 9am on Monday (April 30th) and the surgery will happen when he is done with his other surgeries that are scheduled already. The day was booked but THANK GOODNESS he let me have the c-section that day anyways!!! MADE MY DAY!

Now I just have to pray that I don't gnaw my foot off in severe hunger while waiting to get the surgery LOL. Most likely the surgery won't take place until after noon so this mama will be starving afterwards but apparently it's all liquid diet until you pass gas (as if pregnancy isn't unsexy enough right now LOL) - so needless to say my goal after surgery is to pass gas haha because I will want some solid food darn it all! And a slipping YUMMY sub cause man I have missed deli meat the past nine months!!

SOOOooo I plan to have my laptop with me at the hospital and I will be in there for 3 days after the surgery. When I am feeling up to it I will certainly post some pics - though probably now with many words as I will be busy cuddling my sweet little one. I will do my very best to get photos on here though when I am up to it :)

Thank you all SO much for your love and support!!! <3

Monday, April 23, 2012

Still waiting....

So first of all may I say I hate the new Blogger set up! I am the type of person that likes things to stay the way they are once I am used to them. I don't like Facebook's stupid Timeline and I don't like Bloggers "new look" (although I DO like that I can easily see how many times my posts have been read - good to know some people are still out there reading!).... I digress.

On Friday we found out that yet again there is NO progress. I am not dilated at all and Logan has not dropped - UGH! 40 weeks today and nothing to show towards any progress. It's very frustrating. Thankfully they will not let me go past 41 weeks. That is what I am the most afraid of so I am happy that I won't go past 41 weeks.

We ALSO found out that technically my due date is the 25th not today (the 23rd) - I still consider today my due date because it's ridiculous that no one told me until Thursday that it was different. So whatever. Anyways.... I have and ultrasound to check what they estimate Logan's weight at and then after that an NST to see how he is doing (this part makes me nervous because I hope he does ok). I am glad that they are taking the initiative to see how the pregnancy is going at least. Both my doctors at some point have made comments to the fact that my pelvic bone region is VERY narrow so I am thinking even if I do happen to go into natural labor on my own he probably won't fit.... So hopefully on Thursday if there is still no progress they will just schedule and ultrasound. I am PRAYING it will be for Friday because my husband already has Friday and Saturday off but it may have to wait until Monday :( which would be more of a pain in the butt. But we'll have to figure it out somehow....

Anyways.... just thought I would update.

I plan to wear a necklace I bought awhile back to the hospital... this is what it says:  " Lil' babies, 

we will never forget you... Let a part of my angel babies' souls be reflected in the spirit of my 

future child so that I may know them better. May the Lord hole my lil' babies tightly in His strong, 

loving arms until I can. May the angels sing them sweet lullabies, but only until I get there."

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,

We love you sweet babies.... and we always, always will <3

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The waiting game...

The last week or so has been rough. I'm crazy emotional and just so uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong I am THRILLED to be pregnant it's just that I want to HOLD Logan now!!! I know I will miss feeling him move inside me and I truly do cherish every movement but I'm so anxious. He is measuring ahead by 3 weeks or so and I just want him to be okay! I have no reason to think he won't be but when does anyone have reason... it still happens.

I'm not the same naive girl I was when I was pregnant with Riley. I KNOW how so many lost their babies. I know of many who's babies were fine at 39 weeks and when they went overdue they lost the baby. These stories terrify me. I do not want to lose my fourth child. I want to hold him in my arms and love him and kiss him for years to come. I want him to outlive me. To love his angel siblings. I want him here with me on Earth. Of course, I wish all my babies could be with me on Earth but I wake up every day to the reality that they can't be. But Logan can. He is still healthy and strong and I just don't want him to get so big that something happens before he can be born. He hasn't dropped yet (as of last week and I still don't think he has as of today) and as of last week there was no dilation or progress of any kind. I worry his head is too big and he may not be ABLE to drop down. If that's the case they will schedule a c-section for next friday. I wish it could be tomorrow but I will survive.

I told one of my doctor's last week that I am just very anxious after all we have been through and she said "All mom's are anxious at this point. Trust me." and I'm going well OF COURSE they are but I mean SERIOUSLY? I lost three babies - one of them being Logan's twin! I have a whole other kind of anxiety!! Most moms I'm sure are anxious about the pain of labor, when their child will be born, or about the pregnancy being over already, etc. I am anxious over my baby being born ALIVE! Most women are naive and think that once they are pregnant they are safe or at the very least once they hit 2nd trimester they are safe... most wouldn't even have it cross their minds that their baby may not be born alive into this world. So YEA I think my anxiety is a BIT different.

Again PLEASE don't curse me and my worrying and think that I don't appreciate the blessing that Logan is...I DO appreciate him - SO VERY MUCH! That is why I worry as much as I do. I have wanted to have children for as long as I can remember and I never imagined I would go through SO much to have a child. I am grateful to be at this point I just want to see this pregnancy completed with a healthy alive child in my arms! I have faith that all will be okay - without my faith I don't know where I would be right now.... but I still worry. I'm not perfect by any means...

I can't explain the past week or two but they just drag. I am so emotional for no reason really other then anxiety and worry. Don't get me wrong I don't sit around and have horrible day dreams all day I just want to know there is a completion to this pregnancy in sight. A day when I know that by that day at the latest I will meet my son! It's all just slowed down SO much.... I feel like last friday's appointment was a month ago. It's crazy to make it through 9 months, that for the most part went fast, and then have the end just seem like a lifetime. Non BLM's that I know are telling me to "enjoy these last moments of time to myself", etc. - and I'm going I have enjoyed them and I am ready to NOT have them anymore. I am ready to leave behind my "me" time and designate that time to Logan and my family. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I know I could never be fully prepared for how my life will change - but I know it will - BRING IT ON! I'll miss my sleep and my t.v. time and being able to go to a movie whenever I want or a "quick" trip to the store.... but who freaking cares!!! All that I can think of now is the day I will get to hold Logan in my arms and I know that I will never be able to imagine how wonderful it will be but I can't wait to experience it!! Maybe the next time I write it will be about Logan's birth..... <3

Latest Belly Shot (from last week)
Here's the latest picture - but it was from LAST week as I am currently 39w3d)

Belly Progression :)

Riley, Peyton, Cameron -

We love you so much and wish you were here with us, playing and laughing. We know you are happy and healthy in Heaven and I am sure Nana is having so very much fun with her great grandchildren. Hug each other tightly and give Nana so many kisses and hugs too - tell her how I wish you could all be here to meet Logan when he is born <3 I love you all so very very much it hurts my heart - send mommy love and lots of peace this week <3
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