Saturday, December 4, 2010

Rejoining "life" and an award....

I was reading Angela's blog today (Little Bird) and she mentioned rejoining life. Some of us as BLMs take longer to do this than others. After the loss of Riley I still had a job and so rejoining life was less of an option and more of a necessity. There was no choice in the matter. Life was the only option. Living a normal life and going to work, grocery shopping, driving, having conversations, being around pregnant women. These were all things that I had to do. Well 3 months after that miscarriage I was laid off from my job. So when we lost Peyton I was also grieving Riley at the same time because rejoining life sort of made me not grieve the appropriate way. I adapted the world's look on miscarriage. I rarely ever talked about my first miscarriage. I sure didn't have a fabulous network of women to help me through it. Life overtook all that healing. So it became this scab or horrible scar that never went away. It was always there so when our sweet Peyton left us the wound just opened back up. It was all I could do to not scream.

I do not know to this day how I ever drove myself home from that appointment. I was alone when they told me Peyton was gone. There were NO issues. No bleeding, everything was fine. I THOUGHT everything was fine or I never would have gone alone. But I did. I saw the heartbeat three days before. So naive me - even after having one miscarriage already - never thought I would get bad news. How dumb of me. This has taught me that there will NEVER be a time that I will go to an appointment alone. NEVER. I remember crying for a very very long time. Through the tears I drove to my cousin's house and spoke to her before driving the rest of the way home. I saw her two beautiful children, hugged them and kissed them both, doing my best to not cry so her son wouldn't ask me what was wrong. I survived. I still don't know how. I probably never will.

When I was pregnant with Peyton I remember saying "I can't have another miscarriage, I don't think I could handle that, I couldn't do it!" - I try my best not to think that or say that again. I don't even want to imagine going through this a third time. Do I still think it? Of course. I am terrified that when I get pregnant again this will happen all over again. My doctor said that sometimes he puts people on supplements and all that does is prolong a pregnancy that was doomed. Well thanks for the vote of confidence! Can I get a glimpse at some positivity? Is that too much to ask? I know that God knows what is best. I know that if we are meant to have children we will and if I am meant to lose another child I will. I pray it will be the first and that there will be no more child loss. But I'm not crazy enough to think that I have any control over this at all.

I had a pregnant high school girl in my first and last period when I subbed on Thursday and Friday. It was like the universe was punching me in the face! I was like REALLY I need this? I didn't need that. I had heard her in the hallway the first day say "I'm due in February!" and I was like geez good for you... and then OF COURSE she's in my classes! Now all I need is a drug addict that's pregnant and I'll feel even better. It's ridiculous that people who treat there bodies awful, are very young, and a million other things get to have kids with no issues and I lose both my children. I don't wish this on other people but it just seems for some it is SO hard and others it's a piece of cake. GRRR

OH I forgot to mention I got AF on Thursday so my surgery (hysteropingogram) is on Friday. Tomorrow I start taking my Femara (fertility drug) and Wednesday I start taking Amoxicyllin (to ward off infection that the procedure can possibly cause) apparently all I get for medication for this is the choice to take some motrin. I was like oh geez like that will do anything.... So I'm not looking forward to it. But at least it will be over and we can TTC again! If I get pregnant this cycle (both other times were right away - the first was a surprise the second was the first time we tried) then the due date would be very similar to Riley's due date. Honestly I think it will be hard no matter what. I think I will be terrified no matter what - so I welcome any pregnancy with open arms and a wide open heart!

Today is my first major attempt at rejoining life. I am going out with some friends for a bachelorette party. My friend (who is also my landlord who lives below us) is getting married next weekend. I am sure tonight will be a blast - I got 12 hours of sleep in preparation for being out till the wee hours of the morning. I am shocked to say I am actually looking forward to it. Well, except the fact that I have been told I must wear a dress. This I do not look forward to. I mean I love the dress I am wearing. My mom made it for me. But these are 5 or 6 incredibly skinny girls and I feel if any pictures are taken tonight that it will end up looking like the Sesame Street "which does not belong" - I will be the orange amongst all the apples.

Well I JUST received a text that my one friend is not wearing a dress so I no longer HAVE to wear one however the Sesame Street analogy still applies.... they are still skinny and I am still not skinny. There is no way THAT is going to change before tonight. Either way I am doing a "normal" activity, I don't think I could handle a baby shower any time soon but bachelorette I can - I am happily married so this is not a sore spot for me like babies are. I have high hopes it will be fun! (I'll let you know if I'm right!) It will surely be a night filled with most likely NO talk about my baby loss and THAT I am not great at. So we shall see how it goes....

With that I have received an award from Trena at Free to Fly a sweet sweet momma who I met through Heaven's Doves after creating a dove photo for her sweet twins Bryston & Colton.

The rules of this award are:
1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

I could not do only 5 but I didn't want to overload so I chose only 10 which was very hard! If you see yourself in my blog roll to the right OR if I have ever commented on your blog then please know I read and you all touch my heart - you all help me so much! I grieve my two babies so much but I am so glad that I have you all through this sadness.

1. Megan at Wyatt's Whisper
2. Annette at Valentina in the Sky
3. Melissa at Raindrops
4. Tina at Fly Away Home To Heaven
5. Emily at Searching for Jack
6. Jaime at Forget-me-not, Oh Lord!
7. Chelle at Once an Infertile
8. Courtney at Cloudy with a Chance of Hope
9. Brigette at The Rushworths
10. Melissa at Amazing Mikayla Grace

Thank you to each and every one of you for the way you have touched my life and the way you have helped me realize that I am not alone in my loss, that we can all be there for each other.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss & have made their way out of the depths ... Beautiful people do not just happen" --Elizabeth Kublar Ross

"A person's a person no matter how small." - Dr. Seuss

Riley & Peyton momma loves you so very much! I wear the jewelry I have for you every day. I carry you with me always.


  1. I hope you have a great time at the party. I am praying that your test goes perfectly and that you get the all clear to TTC. I am praying that you get your rainbow real soon. God bless you!

  2. Wow, this may be a book instead of just a comment =)
    I know all too well that shock of hearing those words a second time, with My Hannah. I think of my drive home, Dan was following me in a separate vehicle, I really feel God's hand was on that car. I couldn't focus, I was in a daze. I know how terrible that felt & my heart breaks that you experienced it too.
    Also, I remember that overwhelming fear when I was pregnant with Hannah. Thinking there is just absolutely no way on Earth it could happen again. So when it did my world more than shattered. Needless to say we got all the tests after that 2nd loss, I personally got no answers. However, I'll pray for you, everyday. I'm gonna be prayin so much.
    And lastly, you are by far one of the most beautiful people I'm blessed to know. I don't care how skinny those girls are, your light shines bright <3

  3. I gain so much perspective about loss from reading your blog. I can never let my mind go to the place of "what if" after all I already have to go through to get pregnant at all, so reading your blog opens my eyes to the true, real pain of loss. I can honestly say I don't know how I would handle it. But as an infertile, I understand the statement about rejoining the world, just in a different sense. It is so hard sometimes when you have hope that a cycle will work out only to find that AF has decided to grace your doorstep early than expected. This is hardest when you are made aware of her presence at work. Then it is all you think about for the rest of the day, and for the few days following. Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed under the covers and scream myself hoarse. But I don't, because it wouldn't change anything. I always have to options, give in, or get back up and try again next month. That last bit is so different for you though, which is why I appreciate reading about where you are coming from, reading about your emotions after two losses.

    Why can't we both just win already?

    Good luck with your procedure. I hope it is the key to keeping a pregnancy. I really, really do.

    Thank you for the award too. You are very sweet.

    Sending you prayers and hugs.

  4. I hope your night out was fun!!! Thank you for the blog nomination!! I so appreciate this. I will repost it tomorrow!! You are so sweet!!

  5. I'm so sorry you saw that pregnant student while you were subing. There's a student at my school who is due the same month as my Angel was. It's hard knowing she's in the building.

    Hey! Thanks for the blog award girl! You're the best!!

    Here's to rejoining life and TTC on the horizon!
    Your friend,

  6. Jess,
    Thank you so much for the congrats! You are so sweet to take the time to read my blog and leave me a comment. It is so nice to have a friend like you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. I hope that you had a BLAST last night! You definitely deserve it. :)

    Also, when you mentioned how you had once said you didn't think you could endure another loss, and now refuse to say that...we're the same way. James said if we lost our 3rd child, he was look where we are. He said the other day that he refuses to make any similar comments this time around. It's not easy any way you look at it...

    Lots of love!

  8. hey jess, just replying to the comment you left on my blog about the blessing ring. Here is the link to the blogpost on where you can get one. Its made by one of my BLM friends.


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