I do not know to this day how I ever drove myself home from that appointment. I was alone when they told me Peyton was gone. There were NO issues. No bleeding, everything was fine. I THOUGHT everything was fine or I never would have gone alone. But I did. I saw the heartbeat three days before. So naive me - even after having one miscarriage already - never thought I would get bad news. How dumb of me. This has taught me that there will NEVER be a time that I will go to an appointment alone. NEVER. I remember crying for a very very long time. Through the tears I drove to my cousin's house and spoke to her before driving the rest of the way home. I saw her two beautiful children, hugged them and kissed them both, doing my best to not cry so her son wouldn't ask me what was wrong. I survived. I still don't know how. I probably never will.
When I was pregnant with Peyton I remember saying "I can't have another miscarriage, I don't think I could handle that, I couldn't do it!" - I try my best not to think that or say that again. I don't even want to imagine going through this a third time. Do I still think it? Of course. I am terrified that when I get pregnant again this will happen all over again. My doctor said that sometimes he puts people on supplements and all that does is prolong a pregnancy that was doomed. Well thanks for the vote of confidence! Can I get a glimpse at some positivity? Is that too much to ask? I know that God knows what is best. I know that if we are meant to have children we will and if I am meant to lose another child I will. I pray it will be the first and that there will be no more child loss. But I'm not crazy enough to think that I have any control over this at all.
I had a pregnant high school girl in my first and last period when I subbed on Thursday and Friday. It was like the universe was punching me in the face! I was like REALLY I need this? I didn't need that. I had heard her in the hallway the first day say "I'm due in February!" and I was like geez good for you... and then OF COURSE she's in my classes! Now all I need is a drug addict that's pregnant and I'll feel even better. It's ridiculous that people who treat there bodies awful, are very young, and a million other things get to have kids with no issues and I lose both my children. I don't wish this on other people but it just seems for some it is SO hard and others it's a piece of cake. GRRR
OH I forgot to mention I got AF on Thursday so my surgery (hysteropingogram) is on Friday. Tomorrow I start taking my Femara (fertility drug) and Wednesday I start taking Amoxicyllin (to ward off infection that the procedure can possibly cause) apparently all I get for medication for this is the choice to take some motrin. I was like oh geez like that will do anything.... So I'm not looking forward to it. But at least it will be over and we can TTC again! If I get pregnant this cycle (both other times were right away - the first was a surprise the second was the first time we tried) then the due date would be very similar to Riley's due date. Honestly I think it will be hard no matter what. I think I will be terrified no matter what - so I welcome any pregnancy with open arms and a wide open heart!
Today is my first major attempt at rejoining life. I am going out with some friends for a bachelorette party. My friend (who is also my landlord who lives below us) is getting married next weekend. I am sure tonight will be a blast - I got 12 hours of sleep in preparation for being out till the wee hours of the morning. I am shocked to say I am actually looking forward to it. Well, except the fact that I have been told I must wear a dress. This I do not look forward to. I mean I love the dress I am wearing. My mom made it for me. But these are 5 or 6 incredibly skinny girls and I feel if any pictures are taken tonight that it will end up looking like the Sesame Street "which does not belong" - I will be the orange amongst all the apples.
Well I JUST received a text that my one friend is not wearing a dress so I no longer HAVE to wear one however the Sesame Street analogy still applies.... they are still skinny and I am still not skinny. There is no way THAT is going to change before tonight. Either way I am doing a "normal" activity, I don't think I could handle a baby shower any time soon but bachelorette I can - I am happily married so this is not a sore spot for me like babies are. I have high hopes it will be fun! (I'll let you know if I'm right!) It will surely be a night filled with most likely NO talk about my baby loss and THAT I am not great at. So we shall see how it goes....
With that I have received an award from Trena at Free to Fly a sweet sweet momma who I met through Heaven's Doves after creating a dove photo for her sweet twins Bryston & Colton.
The rules of this award are:
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
I could not do only 5 but I didn't want to overload so I chose only 10 which was very hard! If you see yourself in my blog roll to the right OR if I have ever commented on your blog then please know I read and you all touch my heart - you all help me so much! I grieve my two babies so much but I am so glad that I have you all through this sadness.
1. Megan at Wyatt's Whisper
2. Annette at Valentina in the Sky
3. Melissa at Raindrops
4. Tina at Fly Away Home To Heaven
5. Emily at Searching for Jack
6. Jaime at Forget-me-not, Oh Lord!
7. Chelle at Once an Infertile
8. Courtney at Cloudy with a Chance of Hope
9. Brigette at The Rushworths
10. Melissa at Amazing Mikayla Grace
Thank you to each and every one of you for the way you have touched my life and the way you have helped me realize that I am not alone in my loss, that we can all be there for each other.
"A person's a person no matter how small." - Dr. Seuss