It's long but I hope that you will take the time to read it :)
For those new(er) to my blog - I have been writing since late August. A couple weeks after I lost our second child Peyton. Our first child, Riley, went to Heaven 2/11/10 and Peyton grew wings 8/19/10. My husband is wonderful and also devastated but I believe it is a very different type of loss for me. For any woman that has been through this. My blog has been my way of getting out my feelings. Honestly writing about my sadness, my loss, my feelings that most people in my life could never begin to understand. My blog was once networked on Facebook but I have since removed it - it's for me - not for others. Those that read it that I know in person I love you for reading this. Thank you. Those that read this in my BLM community - you mean the absolute world to me!
Life is pretty calm... pretty uneventful. The way I like it lately. I don't want too much insanity. I have enough of that in my life... in my head. Enough worries. I miss my old worries. I miss that my biggest worries were finding a teaching job. Oh how nice it would be if that was my biggest worry. It's amazing how small those problems seem after the past year. Since February my life has been a blur. I feel like it has passed quickly - shocked that it's Christmas again and yet at the same time the past 10 months has seemed like a lifetime. A lifetime of sadness. I lifetime of anxiety. Worry. Heartbreak. LOSS.
Tomorrow I get my HSG (hysteropingogram) done. It's a surgery though my husband hates me calling that so we say procedure or test. It scares him to think of me getting another "surgery" - given I had two D & C's in 6 months. I tell him I don't like to think about it. It terrifies me that having those two surgeries could have damaged something and therefore made it harder or impossible to get pregnant. These are my fears among other things. I am taking place in a study where they mix a liquid in with the dye that will help my uterus to stay uninflamed and promote increased fertility. I'm all for increased fertility! I will know the results tomorrow right after the procedure - at least's that's what I was told so it better be true! After that I have an ultrasound appointment on Monday - who knows what they look for. No one told me. I finished the last of my fertility drugs today. And I have been taking Amoxicillin to ward off infection from the surgery tomorrow. Hopefully it will also take away my cold or whatever I have (that's what the doc put me on a month ago when I was sick). I will let you all know what the results are - I will be surprised if they find anything but knowing everything is okay will be good too.
Many of my BLMs who's blogs I read recently found out they are pregnant. I wish them all the very best. All I can do is hope and pray that I will be joining them soon. At the same time though the prospect of being pregnant down right terrifies me more than I can even begin to explain. I was worried the second time around but now I will be terrified. I know that God's will is His and He has my best interests at heart. I know that if it is meant to be, it will be. I also know that the devil is out there trying his best to plant doubt. To plan worry in my mind. It's really easy sometimes to feel down. To wonder why the h*ll this is happening to me. WHY ME? But you know what? I have no idea how MY journey is affecting others. Maybe if this hadn't happened to me I wouldn't have affected someone else positively or met someone I was supposed to meet (I feel that about many women in this community. For instance Jamie and Mary among MANY others!) You all mean so very much to me!
This clip isn't the greatest but when it was on the show it touched me - EVERY single time I watch this it makes me tear up. What it was supposed to be was a dance about addition the man being drugs and the woman being the one who is addicted. To me the man is my grief or even the devil and the woman is me. It's such a powerful dance. Check it out.
So if this test tomorrow shows nothing is wrong then basically they know nothing. Well I mean they know things they just don't have answers as to WHY I have had miscarriages. I have no blood disorders or other issues. They have tested me for a LOT of things! I'm "normal" - HA - I beg to differ - normal people don't have two miscarriages! I digress... after this it's just - get pregnant and then they can make sure my progestrone and folic acid and all that is okay. Also the specialist will put me on thyroid medicine because apparently my thyroid is underactive - that was the one thing they found from the blood tests.
I have begun to realize that at some point during the week I will read or watch something that involves baby loss. Someone on my last post told me not to watch those shows (the comment is not published) well you know what I REFUSE to rewrite my whole life because I lost my children. They meant the world to me and they STILL mean the world to me. But I know that if they could they would tell me not to lock myself in a box worried that something may make me sad. There is ALWAYS a chance that something will make me sad but I will not stop watching T.V. and reading books just because those situations MAY arise. That is not to say that I don't understand that some people don't want to watch medical shows and so on. To each their own. I can only handle so much of people telling me what I should and should not do. I don't write about it on here so that I can be told not to watch those shows. Emotions will always arise. Life will move on. I choose to write about it here so as not to be judged. If I were to talk to people in real life about things that bother me (for example the incident where my friend said she understood that I hated seeing pregnant women - she only hated it because she wants to get pregnant and she seriously thought that was the same as my reason for being upset) they wouldn't get it. Maybe some people who read this don't get it and that's fine too it's my way of coping.
Anyhow I am reading the book Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah (it's very good by the way) and one of the characters found out she was pregnant. The first thing I thought was oh no I hope it's going to be okay. Then I stopped reading for a second thinking about the fact that BEFORE I lost Riley & Peyton that never would have been my first reaction. Never would have come to mind actually. Now if I see someone pregnant in real life, on t.v., read about pregnancy in a book...the first thing I think is oh no I hope she doesn't lose the baby. Sure enough in the book she does. It's only a couple pages about it and then she's pregnant again and the baby is fine. If that had been the case for me I would have been 26 weeks along with Peyton right now. But that wasn't me. Here is a quote I liked from the book ...
friend - "I guess it's a blessing it happened early"
pregnant girls mom - "four months isn't early... people who haven't had a miscarriage always say that. It was what Bud said to me. Twice."
friend - "Thanks. Now I know what not to say. I just wish I knew what would help."
I read the book Charlie St. Cloud recently (I had a post where I put a bunch of quotes from the book) it was a very good book. So I went to redbox and rented the movie and honestly I was EXPECTING to be disappointed but other than the fact that the ages were off and the beginning was not the same as the book the movie was great! The writer, Ben Sherwood, was executive producer so I believe that ALWAYS helps a book to be portrayed better through film :) Anyways this is a part I loved from the movie - made me cry - A LOT.
"You hurt because you're alive." - so very very true. I read in someone's blog today that she didn't know how she had tears left as her loss was a couple years ago and she thought she was doing better.... I commented that there will always be tears because the loss of a child will never NOT be sad.
In a way I sort of hoped that the doctor would find something wrong with me when they did all the testing. I'm the kinda girl that likes to have answers... reasons. If only life were that easy. If you know a reason at least you can try to PREVENT that from happening but if nothing is wrong there is nothing to prevent - it's maddening! Alas, I may not have a reason and I have to live with that and trust God through that.
I watching this lifetime movie today where the mother died from cancer and she said this quote below right before she passed away.
I agree that it is impossible to say goodbye to your children. I never taught my children anything but I'd like to think that they know their momma is a good Christian woman and that by living my life to the best of my abilities I am showing them that in some way. I know that I will see them again in Heaven and surely some of my BLMs & their little ones that I am sure are their friends. Mary mentioned once that she is sure our babies brought us together. That made me smile. Mary is the reason Riley & Peyton got names. Her story was my inspiration! They will always be with me, and I with them I hope. And I will ALWAYS be proud of them . They were so important to me and always will be!
Here are two poems I love.
"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Lastly I came upon this song today - never heard it till today. Christmas Lights by Coldplay. This part really hit me:
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Down where the sea and city meet
May all your troubles soon be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Maybe they'll bring her back to me
Then all my troubles will be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on
If you read this whole post you are amazing and I thank you - please leave even a :) as a comment to let me know you read it - it would mean a lot :) :)
Cheers & Jeers post coming soon ....