Two weeks.

It was two weeks ago that I went to my doctor's visit alone thrilled to be pregnant, happy that I knew everything was okay because three days before I had seen my little beans heartbeat.... I was so wrong. My body had lied to me even worse than it had lied the first pregnancy. My body holds on to my babies but oh how I wish it would keep them alive. I feel betrayed. I try not to feel like a failure because I know it was nothing I did. But obviously my BODY is doing something without my knowledge. My body is on a whole different wavelength. I pray that a specialist will be able to find out what the crap is going on! In a couple months we want to try again and I hope that I feel at least slightly more confident that things may actually work out then!

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Six months is to short of a time to go through so much loss and pain. Too much heartbreak to endure. I worry sometimes that I will lose some of my excitement next time. That I will be afraid to enjoy my pregnancy at all because I will be so terrified. I know that I will love my future children with all of my heart but it is so hard to go through so much emotion. I am a severely emotional person I have gone through many issues in my life. Through all the pain of my emotional past I know that those things happened to make me who I am now. I hope that this horrific experience will make me more compassionate and help me to comfort others. If as mothers we must go through such pain it is only bearable if we can learn from it. I pray that the Lord will bless me with the knowledge, strength, and understanding to survive this sad journey. I pray that somewhere along my yellow brick road I will have my rainbow baby. I could use a rainbow right now.... some gold at the end would be a nice surprise....

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(Cowardly lion) -  "Courage! What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got?"
 (the others) - "Courage!"
(Cowardly lion) - "You can say that again! Huh?"

What makes a mother still breathe after a miscarriage? COURAGE! (among other things)

Here's to knowing that we all DO have courage! If we didn't we wouldn't be where we are today. Sad and sometimes in despair but traveling through this pink and blue brick road the best that we know how... you can't ask for more than that. I didn't cry today until now I didn't want to face that day two weeks ago. If only I could change it all but I know that I can't. I read on a new friend's blog that she loves all the women she met since she lost her child but she would take her baby back and give all those relationships up if that was all she had to do....I would do the same. I know that we all would. But I am blessed to have met everyone I have met and will meet through this journey. If you are reading this I hope that you know that!

Oh how I miss you my sweet angels. Mommy loves you so so much! Hug each other tight and keep your hearts full of joy. Sending you hugs and kisses from me and daddy! 

I will never be the same....miscarriage has changed my life forever...I hope that one day I can look back and see that I have become a better person because of it. That my angels taught me something from afar. Now I will go and be comforted by my husband.... he is such a blessing...

Goodnight my darlings... shine your beauty down upon all of us so that we may feel your love....