Overwhelmed

Yesterday I FINALLY woke up from a good night's sleep - after two nights of barely any at all because of constant uncontrollable coughing...

But it was an overwhelming day. We all wish we had more control over how our lives worked out. Especially as a BLM we would NEVER have chosen to lose our child or in some cases (like mine) our children. This is not a "club" anyone WANTS to be a part of.... well that lack of control really really got to me today.

I lived for a year in NC straight out of college in 2004. I accepted a high school art teaching position and moved from (near Buffalo) NY all the way down to NC away from everyone I knew. I hated it. I was alone and I knew no one and the kids were horribly behaved teenage hell raisers. It was awful. Most weeks there was at least one time they would make me cry (luckily never in front of my students). They would make awful comments about how I was fat, swear, disrespect me, and the school authorities did nothing to help me out. So I moved back (in 2005 after teaching one full year) and I haven't found a teaching job since. Sometimes I think I should have just toughed it out but then I never would`have met my wonderful husband... who I met 6 months after I came home. However, for those that missed my blog where I was complaining about NYS teaching requirements... I don't have enough experience to obtain a professional art teaching certification! I have recently found out that I have about 172 days of experience that I still need to get and about 1 1/2 years of school time to do it. I have the rest of this year and then all of next school year. SO it IS possible but still tough - substitute teaching is a day to day thing there is no guarantee. But I am in 4 different districts in my area and I am trying to do what I can before my surgery and then once I am in good shape I will get back to it after I recoup from surgery.

So I have that stress to deal with... I can't let go of substitute teaching without knowing I tried my hardest to get that experience. I mean come on I paying out the wazoo for my school loans and my freaking education hasn't even gotten me a job! It SUCKS! We have talked recently about the possibility of moving if I got a job. I'm not to keen on this idea but I also know I need a job! My husband has family that lives south and my best friend from high school lives in Florida. So living hear them would be the best second option if it were something we had to do. I really wanted to place the moving option out of my head once we knew we were going to TTC because I don't want my kids to not be around family! But maybe we will have to deal with it for at least a year or a bit longer so that I can get my professional certification! We'll see.

So I was thinking about all of this when I was driving from my parents (I do laundry there they live 5 mins. away) to get a couple groceries before going home... I passed my Nana's (grandma's) old house and I just thought... I always thought I would live around here. I always thought I would raise my family in this little small town I had grown to love. In high school I never would have wanted to live here and out of college I was thrilled to move away but you know what? I don't KNOW ANYONE anywhere else! In NC I knew no one - when I had a bad day I couldn't sit and talk to someone. It sucked! I know now that I would have my husband of course and honestly if I had had him with me then I probably would have stayed there. But I didn't have him and it makes me sad to think I could be in another stated tons of miles away when I have our first child. Or be tons of miles away if something happened to a family member. It just sort of overwhelmed me to think of it.

For those family members that may read this - please don't go telling people we are moving - we aren't but it's something we have decided we need to consider more seriously.

It really got to me and it made me so freaking mad that all of this has to be. I mean MAN did 2010 SUCK! I lost both my children, I haven't had a full time job since MAY ...GRRR it just sucks. It's a lot of stress worrying about all of this while going through all this grief! I mean I am a tough chick if we move, I'll live. But worrying about it now and thinking of all the change that could possibly happen just makes me want to SCREAM! I could REALLY use that white padded room I talked about in this post.

So yesterday in a word: Overwhelming

It's been rough but as always.... I move on. This week we have some cleaning to do before we have friends over and before (dun dun dun - cue scary music) my MIL comes over on Sunday. Needless to say I have issues with my MIL. That's a whole other post right there let me tell ya - I'll possibly need to write that post after Sunday!

Lastly check out Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope they are going to start Face2Face groups! Check it out they are looking for group leaders for areas :) I signed up though I am not sure if there will be enough people for my group anyways... we'll see....

I just saw this video on my dear friend Angela's blog - I loved it! I have never heard of it before buy I love Lacey from Flyleaf! :) Check it out :)



Riley & Peyton momma loves you SO much!