Day 4

Your favorite book, has it changed since your loss?

I would say one of my favorite books before this sad journey was Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel (please do not ever watch the movie it sucked!) I loved this book because it was the first time I had ever read anything about someone who had been through depression. At the time I was also going through my own struggle with depression. It is the one and only book I have read more than one time.

Yes it has changed and probably will again through this journey. Right now it is I will carry you by Angie Smith it was an amazing story filled with faith and hope. Honestly I can't imagine having not read it. It was so touching. She is an amazing women mainly because she realizes (as do I) that she could never have made it through it without God. While many believe that everything happens for a reason - it's quite a different story to go about trying to live out that reason. The loss of her baby Audry has brought a lot of awareness to BLM's and she has done so much to help others. Anyone who has been through the loss of a child OR wants to understand what we all go through should really read this book.

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Life carries on through the pain.... I think we have all learned that. Life's worries don't go away. Money still sucks, bills continue to come (the fun ones - note sarcasm - are those that remind me of my loss), and reality is knocking at every corner. My unemployment will be up before Thanksgiving. That worries me very much. I applied to over 30 art teaching positions this year to not even receive one interview. I have applied to substitute teach in five districts so I hope that I will start getting jobs soon. I have faith that it will all work out, that what is meant to be will be. I feel that I need to get my face out there. Show these districts I am more than just your average certified teacher! I care about teaching, it has been my passion for many years to be an art teacher. I pray that my dream will one day be realized, not as much as I pray my dream for a rainbow baby will be realized, but either way I PRAY!


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). 

Riley and Peyton,
As I sit here and listen to heaven's tears hit the roof all I can think is that I wish you were here. I wish I were rocking you to sleep and singing Rockabye Mountain to you right this second...but that is not the case. I have the hum of my computer and the rhythm of the rain, typing because my arms are empty. Sometimes I wonder if I will wake up and it will all just be a nightmare. Every now and then I think how different this apartment would look with you in it. How different my life would look with you in it. I imagine tired months and years filled with smiles, laughter and tears of joy. I still have smiles and laughter but my tears are often because I miss you so. You are my babies and I will always love you. I hope you smile every time I tell someone your names. Every time I tell someone of you, my sweet sweet angel babies. We will always miss you and never forget you please know my loves that you are forever loved! Mommy and daddy miss you so very much. Goodnight....