Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 11 - a recent photo and how it makes me feel

Day 11 - a recent photo and how it makes me feel

This photo was taken yesterday at the Walk to Remember that we did in memory of Riley & Peyton. How does it make me feel. So many feelings... To start with it makes me happy that I started weight watchers again today. Makes me wish I had started it a long time ago but then again you don't think about losing weight when you are pregnant.... It makes me incredibly sad that I have a customized shirt, a walk to remember sweatshirt, a stamped necklace, earrings, a handmade ribbon with beautiful flourishes, and two bracelets... this is how I carry my babies. This is what I have to remember them. This is what I have INSTEAD of having Riley & Peyton. This is my life.


So I was bombarded on facebook with another friend who is pregnant, more baby pictures... other peoples blessings. I am OF COURSE thrilled for those people but every time I go on facebook I wonder who else is going to be pregnant? Who else will have a sonogram as their profile picture? Who else will feel safe enough, not worried, to tell the world that they JUST found out they were pregnant? How many times will I pray for those women - PRAY MY BUTT OFF that they will not experience the loss that I have? There are days I wish I didn't even check my facebook. I will never have a carefree pregnancy. I will never be naive enough to think everything will be okay. I will probably be terrified until weeks after my baby is born. Maybe forever. Hopefully not. I just want to reach the part of my life where I have a baby (hopefully BABIES) with me on Earth....Thus is life..... and this is my life. This is my pain, my sorrow, my grief to bear.

Momma loves you Riley & Peyton. I wish you were here. Wish that I had sonogram pictures as my profile pictures these past months. Wished I was holding Riley and singing this very moment. But you are watching me now my babies. It's just not how it should be to me, these are not things I ever imagined growing up. I expected sadness but I never would have expected to lose a baby let alone both my babies. You are with me in my heart each and every second of every day. You will remain there as long as I live. I love you so much!


  1. Im glad you did the walk but am so sorry for the cause behind it! Thinking of you often. Thank you so much for sending the card we got it the other day and it means the world to us!!

  2. ((hugz)) You'll get your rainbow baby - I can feel it!

    I did weight watchers before I had Beth - lost 50 pounds - it is GREAT! Good luck!!


  3. In-Your-Face-Book can be brutal, especially for those of us who have experiences loss or infertility. How would it be to be so blissfully ignorant about other's struggles when posting a pregnancy announcement there? I'm not saying that everyone who posts and announcement is ignorant, but you know most of them are. I flinch every time I see one too, even though I am ecstatically happy for the person.

    I pray that you will have a full term pregnancy soon.


  4. I feel the same way about Facebook. =( I have soooo many women in my life that are pregnant or just having babies. I pray every day for them, they have no fear and for that I'm grateful...but for me all I can think of is the worst case scenario. It sucks.


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