This photo was taken yesterday at the Walk to Remember that we did in memory of Riley & Peyton. How does it make me feel. So many feelings... To start with it makes me happy that I started weight watchers again today. Makes me wish I had started it a long time ago but then again you don't think about losing weight when you are pregnant.... It makes me incredibly sad that I have a customized shirt, a walk to remember sweatshirt, a stamped necklace, earrings, a handmade ribbon with beautiful flourishes, and two bracelets... this is how I carry my babies. This is what I have to remember them. This is what I have INSTEAD of having Riley & Peyton. This is my life.
So I was bombarded on facebook with another friend who is pregnant, more baby pictures... other peoples blessings. I am OF COURSE thrilled for those people but every time I go on facebook I wonder who else is going to be pregnant? Who else will have a sonogram as their profile picture? Who else will feel safe enough, not worried, to tell the world that they JUST found out they were pregnant? How many times will I pray for those women - PRAY MY BUTT OFF that they will not experience the loss that I have? There are days I wish I didn't even check my facebook. I will never have a carefree pregnancy. I will never be naive enough to think everything will be okay. I will probably be terrified until weeks after my baby is born. Maybe forever. Hopefully not. I just want to reach the part of my life where I have a baby (hopefully BABIES) with me on Earth....Thus is life..... and this is my life. This is my pain, my sorrow, my grief to bear.
Momma loves you Riley & Peyton. I wish you were here. Wish that I had sonogram pictures as my profile pictures these past months. Wished I was holding Riley and singing this very moment. But you are watching me now my babies. It's just not how it should be to me, these are not things I ever imagined growing up. I expected sadness but I never would have expected to lose a baby let alone both my babies. You are with me in my heart each and every second of every day. You will remain there as long as I live. I love you so much!