Monday, December 13, 2010

Doctor's visit...

I went to my specialist doctor today to get an ultrasound. They explained to me that even though I was told not to TTC this cycle that they wanted to see if the medicine was working the way it should be. I am taking Femara and from what I could gather it is working. I think the doctor will tell me more. They saw at least one follicle that they showed me. I am not sure if they saw more or not. Sadly those follicles have no chance, or I should say a really small chance given we are trying not to get pregnant as I was told. Of course there is always that tiny chance that protection won't work. But you get the idea. I can't be excited about follicles that won't amount to anything. The only positive thing I can gain from this is that it seems the medicine is working.

I'm still not sure if I should be worried that the dye test only showed that my right tube is open. The left did not spill the dye as it should of but apparently that could be because of my extremely negatively V shaped uterus. I still don't know... like they said I obviously can get pregnant but nonetheless it's an added worry.

My doctor was not in today so they said he would look at my charts and call me tomorrow and discuss the HSG, ultrasound, and the MRI - which is great because I need some stinking answers - and SOON! I am praying that the MRI can be done this month!


On to my weekend. My landlord (also my friend) got married. Their wedding was small but very nice. OF COURSE my baby woes came up in conversation. As I'm sure any BLM knows it's rather hard to NOT talk about that. It has begin to define a large part of my life so not discussing my babies is like not discussing a piece of myself. I mentioned my surgery findings to some people and the fact that the bicornuate uterus could possibly mean more losses. One person said OH you can't do that.... and I was like standing there going what do you mean. First of all I have faith in God I believe that even if that V is caused by muscle it does not mean no children for me. If I have to survive more losses I will. If God does not want me to get pregnant I wouldn't in the first place. So don't tell me I can't do something! I very well plan to get pregnant again no matter what the MRI shows! I am not giving up on having children.

Someone else mentioned well you should adopt.... as if countries and people are handing out babies on the side of the road. Like it's an easy thing. I am not AGAINST adoption but I want biological children and I am not ready to give up on that any time soon. Plus adoption is expensive and we darn well can't afford that. So it wouldn't be an option currently no matter what. I have also been told that people are worried about us TTC given I have no job and our financial situation is not great. Well you know what? After all this loss I can't very well morally take a break because money may be an issue. How could I do that? What if I take a break now and when we DO try it takes 3 years before I have a baby? I don't want to deal with the what if's of waiting because we have NO idea how long it will take before we can have children. I am not taking a BREAK because of my job situation. AGAIN I have a strong faith in God and He will provide when the time comes.

Life is hard. People think that they can spout off all this information and judgment and advice over things they simply don't get! Don't try to tell me what to do until you can understand the emotional and physical stress of this journey. If you had lost two children you would know taking a "break" is not an option. We will do what we have to to provide for our babies because we are parents and we love them.

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD." - Psalms 31:24

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him." - Jeremiah 17:7

Mommy and Daddy love you Riley & Peyton! You mean the world to us!


  1. It takes me back to that saying, "...walk a mile in my shoes..." I know for the most part people offer "advice" because they think they are being helpful but really, how can you offer your advice or opinion on something in which you know nothing about? Unless that person has suffered a loss, they really have no clue.

    Stay strong and just keep putting it in God's hands. You WILL be a mommy and a great one at that! ((hugs))

  2. Keeping you in my prayers. Hoping for some good answers from your Dr.


  3. I hope the answers you get from your doctor are good ones, or at least as good as can be.

    We've talked about adoption too but like you said it's so expensive and we would love to have biological children. People just don't understand...

  4. The whole talking about it thing is hard. It's weird to ignore it but, if you do, you tend to get a whole load of ignorant or judgemental nonsense poured out on you. I've got a small group of trusted friends I talk to but try not to mention it beyond that.

  5. I also had only a handful of ppl I trusted when we decided we were TTC again. After all the hurtful comments it was getting increasingly hard to show grace.
    I agree 100% with everything you said, God WILL & DOES provide if He chooses to give you another child. Our family of 6 with only 1 income is a testimony to that. I pray God gives you answers soon =)

  6. I hate people who don't think before they open their mouthes! errr I'm really dreading Christmas with my family up north for that reason alone! Sorry you had to endure that!!


  7. I admire you Jess and I support you 100%. I agree that there is no way that you should just give up. Your future children deserve a chance to live. They are going to be so blessed to have you as their mama. You already love those babies so much and it really shows. You are such a great mama!! Riley and Peyton must be so proud of their mama:) I am praying for you and you future rainbows.

  8. Sorry you have to put up with people who unwittingly dish out advice or their "two-cents' worth". I'm sure they meant well but sometimes their advice is way off base. As for waiting for things to fall into place before starting a family, we know that the best laid plans have no guarantees. So yeah, go for it, girl. Here's to future rainbows for you.

  9. Im so sorry the unwatned advice is such a struggle. People think they are helping and really they are just making it worse!! AHHH anyways I hope you hear from your doctor soon. Much love!!


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