Sale time...

**Note: I added a new page (right hand column) of a list I have started of movies that contain child loss or any subjects that may be upsetting for BLMs - please let me know if you have any others**

For those that don't know... I have quite a few other blogs :) One is Heaven's Doves where I make dove photos for those that have lost a child. Another is my movie review blog where I review movies (I LOVE watching movies!) And I have my store blog (button below and you can grab my button from my right hand column or my store's page)! (I also own a domain but it is currently under construction)

TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR EARTH: MEMORIAL ART is where I make art for those that have lost a child.

I am having a huge SALE! There are TWO great deals!!!!! Angel plaques are normally $30 but I am having a sale on them - they are now only $22.00 total! Shipping is FREE! 

ALSO if you order anything else in the store (from 1/26/11 - 2/11/11) I will include either a free pair of handmade earrings OR a small handpainted sign with your child's name on it! YOUR CHOICE! For free! Shipping is free on all items! 
 ***If you order more than one thing there will only be one pair or one sign included...***

ANGEL PLAQUES

Here are a variety of ones I have made. Any colors are available!

 

Now only $22  

EVERYDAY

ORNAMENTS!

You can view a 

variety of choices from

my store's page!

$8.50

EARRINGS! 

Earrings I have made in the past. A pair (peacock earrings are only available for purchase) will be included (OR a small handpainted sign with your child's name on it - picture to come) with any order other than an angel plaque. Normally they cost $8
each or 3 pairs for $20!

Handpainted plaque.

Handpainted plaqu

Peacock wrap necklace

Handpainted quote frame

Handpainted LARGE sign

Name board w/birthdate OR angel date

Name board

Handpainted letters

Handpainted quote board

Handpainted initial canvas

pop tab bracelet

Angel bracelet

Rainbow baby board

Wedding board (various designs available)

Another wedding board

Hardly Enough

I heard this song today on a Scrubs episode (we have been watching all the seasons for awhile)

Hear are the lyrics:

HARDLY ENOUGH by Lirama

Hardly enough for all the trouble
Hardly enough to get it right
One more day and one more empty stare
Hardly enough for all the trouble
Gonna find my way back to where it started
Midwestern skyline is where my heart is
This town can be so ugly
Makes you feel so ordinary
You'll say it's not enough
It's not enough it's just not enough
Hardly enough for all the trouble
Hardly enough to get it right
Change it comes so easily
When there's nothing left to lose it seems
Just take this hand and run with me
Together we can leave
Hardly enough for all the trouble
Hardly enough to get it right
Hardly enough for all the trouble
Hardly enough to get it right
We will never be the same
We will never be the same
Things will never be the same 

the ebb and flow of grief

I find that grief is a strange nightmare. I have never experienced anything so indeterminably chaotic. There is an ebb and flow to my emotions. Like tides in an ocean but FAR less logical.

My baby Riley's angelversary is 2/11/11. Riley's first birthday in Heaven and I will be recovering from my surgery that I will have the morning before. I am at peace with that though I know that having a balloon in my uterus that will make me feel pregnant will be a nightmare in general let alone on that day. Another pregnancy is far off for me and honestly that is the hardest part. It is depressing to know that there is no way that I will have a child in 2011. All I can hope is that when we TTC again (hopefully in June) that I will get pregnant at some point in 2011.  People can say I am young but 29 (30 by the time we can try again) is not young when it comes to baby making. I always wanted to have all my kids by the time I was 35. Maybe that won't be an option but I hope that after the surgery my baby problems will have ceased. God willing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is crazy to think that had I now lost Riley I would have a four month old. If I had lost Riley but had not lost Peyton I would be over 33 weeks along now. So much loss. Too much pain. I have always felt horrible for those parents whose children die before them. I have always thought that I want my children to bury me, I surely don't want to outlive them. I never would have thought that they would die before they even had a chance to breathe on this Earth. But, you know, I doubt anyone ever thinks they will experience something like that. We all think that we are immune until it happens to us. As BLMs now we have lost that naive sense of safety, of immunity, of worry free pregnancies. It's sad but at the same time I don't miss that naive part of me. I would rather be prepared for the anguish then have it blow up in my face like both my losses did. Even after losing Riley once I passed the 7 week date I thought we were golden with Peyton, we saw a heartbeat and everything. But then the heartbeat was gone and I was alone in that room when I found out. I will NEVER go to a doctor alone again. NEVER.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now looking to this coming surgery it makes me SO angry that my body caused these miscarriages. My stupid abnormal uterus made my babies die. They never had a chance. They most likely implanted on the tissue that separates my uterus. Given the tissue has no blood flow it can not support implantation. So if they were implanted anywhere near there - which they must have been - they didn't have a shot. Septums give a woman a 90% chance of miscarriage. Maybe with mine being so big they had an even smaller % chance. It sucks that I have had this condition LITERALLY since I was 22 weeks in the womb and yet I had to go through all this loss before finding out. But I have to look at this situation and think that God is taking care of my babies. They are pain free and full of joy in heaven and for this I am glad. If I could choose to I would take them back in an instant but at least I know I will see them again one day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have planned out my first meeting with my Face2Face friendship group that I am leading through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. We are meeting on Feb. 3rd at 9 am. So far there are only 3 of us but I think starting small will be good :) I really wanted to meet with them BEFORE my surgery the following week in case I am recovering for awhile so I am thrilled that we worked out a time. I look forward to meeting some BLMs in real life! I wish I could meet every one of you! Wouldn't it be great if there was some time portal (think Start Trek LOL) where we could just BOOM be at each other's houses to talk! Yes I like Sci-Fi LOL not a HUGE Star Trek fan but it fit my current thought LOL.... either way I wish we could all meet someday but I am glad we have DBL to talk!

<3 Also I just wanted to add a thanks to my now 71 followers! It makes my heart filled with joy that so many care to read about me and my angels! I have had this blog for about 5 months and it helps me so much as do all of your lovely comments! <3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure." ~Author Unknown

Riley & Peyton momma loves you very much!

I cry

I was reading something just now and it made me tear up. This happens. Not as often as it used to really but boy does it happen. I was just sitting here thinking about that. Thinking about how I have always been an emotional person, always one to cry at weddings, funerals, sappy movies. It doesn't take much. I usually know from reading about a movie if it will make me cry, I could cry at a wedding or funeral even if I don't know the person all that well and I know that I will cry in front of our whole church when my little sister gets married in April.

This is me.... this is who I am. But losing my children just brought this part of me even closer to the surface. My skin is not as thick as it once was, I'm far more transparent. I don't say this as an insult to myself or a fault really - it's just the truth, it's just the way it is. This is my life now. Take me or leave me. I'm not going to change for someone, I'm not going to stop talking about my children, I am who I am. You would never expect parents of a living child not to talk about their children. Nor would you expect someone who lost a small child, teenager, or adult child to stop talking about their child. Well my children live in my heart and to me they were as much my children as they would have been had they lived on this Earth for 40 years! I was a part of them and they will always be a part of me.

The hardest part for me about losing Riley and Peyton is thinking that they never got to hear me say I loved them. They never got to see me. They never got to feel my touch. They never got to call me mom.... But I hope that up in Heaven they are filled with God's love and that they know that their mommy and daddy love them so much!

Ever since I was a child I remember movies or explanation from people in books, TV, or real life where people say that they never knew such love until they had a child. Well I have never known such love and my children never got to be born on this Earth. They were born into Heaven and while I am glad they are pain free and full of joy waiting to meet me one day, I still wish they were here. I still wish I could hold them in my arms, smell their sweet smell, and rock them to sleep. I wish I could see their first step, first word, first smile. And it makes me sad beyond any sadness I have ever felt that I have forever missed out on that. That time will never come.

One day (and it will seem like no time has passed for my sweet babies) I will meet them in Heaven and at that time all this pain will be gone and the fact that I missed out on those moments with them will be forgotten. There will just be happiness, joy, and love. I long for that time with them but I also hope that I will raise their siblings one day soon on this Earth. All I can do is pray that day will come.

For now I cry... not only because they died but because I am here without them. I cry because pieces of me are missing and always will be.... because my life will never be the same.... because I'm far more tender and fragile than I used to be.... because losing Riley & Peyton has taught me how fragile life is....I cry because they live through me and I'm so sad that I couldn't give them more than that..... I cry because they are so precious to me and I want to tell them that every day through my words and actions.... this blog is my way to do that though.... I cry because this is the way I show them I love them, instead of holding them in my arms, instead of kisses and hugs.... I cry more for my babies than for anything I have ever cried over in my entire life.... I cry because I love them and sometimes it's so unbearably sad that crying is all I have. I cry because Riley and Peyton are my babies and I will always love and miss them.

Mommy and daddy love you so so much my sweet babies. Take care of each other and hold each other tight. I hope you are up in Heaven spending time with all your new friends. I'm sure you have met Micah, Valentina, Stevie, Bailey, Wyatt, Brody, Logan, Benjamin, Genesis, Sawyer, Jacob, Blaine, Julia, Evan, Wyatt, Olivia, Charlotte, Noah, Ailis, Harper, Madelyn, Bryston, Colton, Sami, Kenny, Drew, Juanito, Kael, Eli, Laken, Jaden, Leila, Lillian, Audry, Avery, Emmett, Everett, Mikayla, Jack, Juju, Reid, Liam,Claire, Jenna,  and so many many other sweet babies. I have new friends too - their mommies :) I have met so many other mommies too with sweet baby angels like you but I am too tired to name them all but I am sure you know each and every one of them! I hope you know how much I love you my angels. From now through all eternity you will be my babies and I will always love you...Goodnight.

Stylish Blogger Award!

Here are the rules that come with receiving this award....
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

Thank you to Jaime & Joanna for giving me this lovely award :)

1. I love frogs. I collect various figurines and stuffed animals (though not as much as I used to).

2. While I have a huge love and want to teach art as soon as possible I used to want to teach music just as badly. Throughout my schooling I participated in music and in art. I was in All County Chorus a variety of times and voted best musician my senior year in high school. I even sang a the Christmas Song (Chesnuts roasting on an open fire...) at a school assembly when I taught art in NC. However, I can't read music LOL so art it is ;)

3. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Alien movies (there are 4) AND the Alien Vs. Predator movies (there are 2). It is a love for science fiction that me and my dad share :)

4. Ok... ugh.... I'll admit it! In High School I was a cheerleader. For football (which is normal) and for Wrestling (haha - yea I know not so normal there LOL).

5. I grew up in a Christian home and became saved at a very young age. I have been attending the same church my entire life pretty much.

6. Given my need for more teaching experience I sometimes get mad that I didn't stay and complete 3 years in my teaching job in NC but then I remember that I met my husband 6 months after I came back and I would NEVER give up my husband for teaching experience!

7. I am pretty much a massive TV lover - I watch FAR too much television - I'm sure I will give it up someday and have to give it up when I have kids but for now it's my guilty pleasure :)



And the lovely Blog mommas (in no particular order) I would like to

give this award to (I chose 16 instead of 15 - I'm a rebel) are:

1-Valentina in the Sky – This BLM and gorgeous lady Annette really fills this blog with her true feelings of loss and love for her sweet baby Valentina – stop on by and show her some love!

2-Little Bird – Angela's was one of the very first blogs I ever read and she is so heartfelt and honest through her grief and missing and loving her darling girl Charlotte. Check out her blog!

3-In this storm – Heather is wonderful, I saw her first on a pregnancy forum and watched the video that was made for her little girl Madeline. Then after my second miscarriage I started following her blog. She is a wonderful BLM and recently had her rainbow baby Liam. Stop by her blog, learn her story and see her sweet rainbow and her angel Madeline!

4-Holy Pee Stick, Batman! - Tiffany is a fabulous woman who has been such a wonderful friend to me. Check out her blog :)

5-Searching for Jack – Emily is awesome, she has such love for her sweet boy Jack and is now pregnant with her rainbow baby :) Stop by and say hi :)

6-The Tatertwins – Jayme is a BLM who also has beautiful kids including her twins :) She has a fun blog and does giveaways for her readers :) Stop on by...

7-honeyscrap – Melissa is sadly a recent addition to the BLM club. She is a crafty momma with a sweet little daughter and a huge heart for the Lord. She has been a great new friend and a strong support for me :) Stop by and say hi and give her some words of encouragement!

8-Our Journey to Bailey & Beyond – Danae is a BLM in the process of adopting a child with her husband. She is planning on making a recipe book with

9- Hello, Goodbye – Car is one strong BLM and fabulous woman! She recently got a GORGEOUS tattoo to celebrate her love for her son Reid! Check out her blog :)

10-Blessed Not Crazy – Mary is one fabulous momma! She is a BLM but also has 6 kids and is pregnant with her rainbow! WHEW! She is a strong woman with a huge huge heart for others and for God. She is an inspiration! She also has another blog where she writes our babies names on growing wild grass :) Stop on by and be inspired!

11-Life after Benjamin – Alana is a heartfelt writer with powerful words. She is grieving her baby boy Benjamin and filling her blog with her loving words. Check out her blog and read her honest beautiful words.

12-Dear Stevie – Kristin is a wonderful BLM who has done SO much for others! She is one of the creators of Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope! She recently started a blog “Operation Eat Less Crap” to get her and her husband healthier! Stop by and learn about her love for her sweet Stevie Joy!

13-Wyatt's Whisper – Meghan is a fabulously creative card maker. She has sent me and many other BLMs beautiful cards to commemorate our sweet babies. Stop by her blog and read about her love for her little boy Wyatt!

14-Cloudy with a Chance of Hope – Courtney is a super caring and loving BLM. She is grieving her three boys: Wyatt, Brody, & Logan. Stop by her blog and show her some love on this hard journey!

15-Once an Infertile – Chelle is one strong momma with a beautiful daughter. She is working towards having another child through the rough journey of infertility. Stop by and give her some encouragement.

16. My Insides, Out -  Vera Kate is a wonderful writer full of love for her sweet angels Ailis & Noah. Her blog is full of beautiful posts and you would be wise to check out her blog! She also has a blog discussing books that she has read called Vera's bookshelf.

It was so hard to choose just 15 bloggers because I read so many blogs and every single one of them in fabulous and means so much to me.... Anyways thanks you again to Jaime and Joanna for this lovely award :)

Face2Face WNY Group

Face2Face is an idea started by Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They have had leaders sign up all over the country and I have signed up to be a leader for the Western New York group.

If you or anyone you know is a BLM in the Western New York area - such as Buffalo, Rochester, Lockport, or other smaller areas near those two cities - please feel free to email me and when there are some members we will set up our first meeting!! :) My email is jess(dot)heartforchrist(at)gmail(dot)com

Also if you are on Facebook and would like to join the group and possibly attend meetings you can go to our Facebook page!

Overwhelmed

Yesterday I FINALLY woke up from a good night's sleep - after two nights of barely any at all because of constant uncontrollable coughing...

But it was an overwhelming day. We all wish we had more control over how our lives worked out. Especially as a BLM we would NEVER have chosen to lose our child or in some cases (like mine) our children. This is not a "club" anyone WANTS to be a part of.... well that lack of control really really got to me today.

I lived for a year in NC straight out of college in 2004. I accepted a high school art teaching position and moved from (near Buffalo) NY all the way down to NC away from everyone I knew. I hated it. I was alone and I knew no one and the kids were horribly behaved teenage hell raisers. It was awful. Most weeks there was at least one time they would make me cry (luckily never in front of my students). They would make awful comments about how I was fat, swear, disrespect me, and the school authorities did nothing to help me out. So I moved back (in 2005 after teaching one full year) and I haven't found a teaching job since. Sometimes I think I should have just toughed it out but then I never would`have met my wonderful husband... who I met 6 months after I came home. However, for those that missed my blog where I was complaining about NYS teaching requirements... I don't have enough experience to obtain a professional art teaching certification! I have recently found out that I have about 172 days of experience that I still need to get and about 1 1/2 years of school time to do it. I have the rest of this year and then all of next school year. SO it IS possible but still tough - substitute teaching is a day to day thing there is no guarantee. But I am in 4 different districts in my area and I am trying to do what I can before my surgery and then once I am in good shape I will get back to it after I recoup from surgery.

So I have that stress to deal with... I can't let go of substitute teaching without knowing I tried my hardest to get that experience. I mean come on I paying out the wazoo for my school loans and my freaking education hasn't even gotten me a job! It SUCKS! We have talked recently about the possibility of moving if I got a job. I'm not to keen on this idea but I also know I need a job! My husband has family that lives south and my best friend from high school lives in Florida. So living hear them would be the best second option if it were something we had to do. I really wanted to place the moving option out of my head once we knew we were going to TTC because I don't want my kids to not be around family! But maybe we will have to deal with it for at least a year or a bit longer so that I can get my professional certification! We'll see.

So I was thinking about all of this when I was driving from my parents (I do laundry there they live 5 mins. away) to get a couple groceries before going home... I passed my Nana's (grandma's) old house and I just thought... I always thought I would live around here. I always thought I would raise my family in this little small town I had grown to love. In high school I never would have wanted to live here and out of college I was thrilled to move away but you know what? I don't KNOW ANYONE anywhere else! In NC I knew no one - when I had a bad day I couldn't sit and talk to someone. It sucked! I know now that I would have my husband of course and honestly if I had had him with me then I probably would have stayed there. But I didn't have him and it makes me sad to think I could be in another stated tons of miles away when I have our first child. Or be tons of miles away if something happened to a family member. It just sort of overwhelmed me to think of it.

For those family members that may read this - please don't go telling people we are moving - we aren't but it's something we have decided we need to consider more seriously.

It really got to me and it made me so freaking mad that all of this has to be. I mean MAN did 2010 SUCK! I lost both my children, I haven't had a full time job since MAY ...GRRR it just sucks. It's a lot of stress worrying about all of this while going through all this grief! I mean I am a tough chick if we move, I'll live. But worrying about it now and thinking of all the change that could possibly happen just makes me want to SCREAM! I could REALLY use that white padded room I talked about in this post.

So yesterday in a word: Overwhelming

It's been rough but as always.... I move on. This week we have some cleaning to do before we have friends over and before (dun dun dun - cue scary music) my MIL comes over on Sunday. Needless to say I have issues with my MIL. That's a whole other post right there let me tell ya - I'll possibly need to write that post after Sunday!

Lastly check out Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope they are going to start Face2Face groups! Check it out they are looking for group leaders for areas :) I signed up though I am not sure if there will be enough people for my group anyways... we'll see....

I just saw this video on my dear friend Angela's blog - I loved it! I have never heard of it before buy I love Lacey from Flyleaf! :) Check it out :)



Riley & Peyton momma loves you SO much!

I'm so sick of this!

Ok so seriously! I don't have a hole lot of energy in me right now but I just wanted to get this out. I am so DONE with being sick! I have been sick 4 times in 9 weeks. Most of the time I was sick for at least a week and  a half. I'm just so sick of all of this.

Whether I go around people ho are sick or stay home and away from people SOMEHOW I manage to get sick! It's freaking ridiculous! Last night I woke up every 1-2 hours. At 4 am I was coughing so bad I felt like I was choking and like I might blow out my ear drums and there was NOTHING I could do to stop. Now that I am awake I am barely coughing at all! GO FIGURE! This is so stupid. And on top of that I have been on medication for 2 days today will be the third day so you would THINK that I would start to feel BETTER! 
Geesh!

I really wanted to wake up and go to church today but given my total and complete lack of sleep I just couldn't do it - I also didn't want to hack all over everyone. I'm sure those at church are happy I stayed home!

I can't believe ho long it has been since I have done a Cheers & Jeers! I've not much been in the mood with being sick so often! But once I am better again I'll have to do one and liven this space up a little ;) Also I participated in the 25 days of giveaways and STILL have not had a chance to make the giveaway items because how awful I have felt :( I do plan to make each of the 4 winners a little something extra to make up for the long wait :)

Please keep me in your prayers! A dear BLM friend of mine suggested probiotic vitamins so I am going to start taking those once I am done with my antibiotic.  Anyways thanks to those of you who listened to me vent. Time to lay down and move as little as possible and hopefully start to feel better in the next couple of days!

OH and to end on a positive note... I was thrilled to start mt morning out by winning the giveaway on Melissa's blog: Amazing Mikayla Grace I was SO excited to have won because I truly could not afford to purchase the calendar (2011 year of the babylost calendars). SO I am thrilled about that at least :) and another new BLM friend who is just lovely asked me for my address the other day to send me something. It constantly amazes me how lovely all you BLMs are and how much we all come together to put a smile on each others faces :) !! I love you all!

Surgery....septum resection scheduled...

Well what can I say I am an emotional wreck today. I wish I wasn't, but I am. It all started with a simple voice message on my phone when I woke up. My surgery is Feb. 10th NOT in Jan. like my doctor told me it could be. I'm not happy about it but if the last year taught me anything it's that I have no freaking control over this aspect of my life AT ALL. And you know what? That really freaking makes me mad! I have learned now that when my doctor thinks something should be able to fit in a month I should just ASSUME it will not be until the following month. He obviously has no idea how booked he is or how many vacation days he takes (which all OF COURSE coincide with when I need a procedure).

When I needed my HSG it should have been in Oct. but he was on vacation, another doctor was on vacation, and the third on in the practice was booked. So the HSG was scheduled for the following month with one of the other docs in the practice because again he was on vacation. So I ask why this surgery can't be in Jan. and she tells me two Thurs. he is on vacation and the others are booked (I shouldn't have asked - hearing more 'vacations' after hearing the same thing since Sept. just made me mad). He is a great doctor mind you he has been very proactive with everything which I love and he has done TONS of septate uterus resections. But I wish he'd stop taking his freaking vacations when I need crap done! GRRR!

So now I have to wait out the next month to get this surgery done. I am NOT looking forward to it at all - specifically the recovery. I posted something in the group I am in on yahoo (with other women who have uterus abnormalities of different types) about the surgery. From the sounds of it the first week sucks. They put carbon dioxide into your body and when the surgery is over there is a build up of gar until the gar absorbs into your body - SO - your entire right side can be in a lot of pain - FUN wow - NOT! Well the doctors all tell you after a week you should be better but it sounds like that recovery time varies GREATLY. One women even said it took her a month to feel better! GEESH! So needless to say I am nervous and I wish I had LESS time to be nervous! Much less time! Oh well...

I just get so overwhelmed! I HATE having no control and I HATE not knowing how anything will go and I HATE that even in the far future if I get a positive pregnancy test I will STILL be worried that I will have a miscarriage. I hate that even if we could try again I would be judged because of job issues and money issues and people thinking we can't afford to have a child. I hate that in the future when I am pregnant again (God willing) that I will STILL worry that people will judge me because ya know what? We will probably not be financially stable for awhile but that isn't going to stop me from having a baby! And why should it? Why can't the people in my life believe that if God wants us to have a baby and He gives us a baby on this Earth then He will also help us PROVIDE for that baby. I wish those people would HAVE SOME FAITH IN THAT!!

I hate that I will literally have to wait until April or maybe even May (essentially half a year almost) to TTC again a whole freaking 9 MONTHS from when I lost Peyton to TTC again! Man that sucks. I mean I am happy that we found out I have a septum and that it can be fixed and all of that PLEASE realize that I am blessed to know this... but the fact that Riley's due date has passed and Riley's angel date with pass and Peyton's due date will all pass before we can try again - well it's just so sad.

When I was in high school I thought I would be married and have 2 kids by the time I was 30. Obviously not going to happen. I'll be 30 in July and if we can't TTC until April or May obviously no child is possible before I'm 30. So anyways when I got married right before turning 27 I was still thinking we would have one child before I was 30 (again obviously not going to happen). Now I just want to have a baby SO badly - I wish I could feel confident that when I was pregnant that I would definitely have a living child on this Earth. I'm glad I am not naive and that I's not one of those women that thinks that loss will never happen to them. I am glad I am not that but I still want a baby and waiting so long to even try is just so hard. Sure I'll get used to it - but just like getting used to grief - I don't have to LIKE it!

There are FAR too many people I know IRL who are pregnant! While I am happy for them and OF COURSE wish no ill will on them or their little ones I have decided that Facebook is evil and I want to kill statuses every time I see them. Needless to say those people are hidden from my wall so that the evil that is Facebook will not throw their baby updates in front of my sensitive eyes! Well I didn't hide one of these people until recently... she said (sorry if this friend reads my blog but this upset me) "So many people are pregnant" and how cool that was and that 5 of her friends from church were all pregnant and that there must be a baby bug in the air.... HA! Wasn't THAT fun to read! NOPE it sucked! I just have this selfish fear that everyone I know will be pregnant before I will be. I know it may sound mean to those that are not BLMs but to those that are...I think you get it. It's not that I wish sadness on others or loss I just want babies!

I don't have a whole lot of positivity in me at this hour but I will add what small bit of positivity I have bled out of today...

Not being able to TTC for awhile gives me time to lose weight and get my body healthier.
The surgery (even pushed later) is at a time where I will have time to recover before I throw my sister's wedding shower a month later.
Thank goodness I work in a day to day job of subbing right now - if I had a regular job I would be worried about recovery time and what not.

These lyrics hit me the other day... I have to realize that maybe my prayers NOT being answered are really the best...

Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Here's a link to a Youtube video of the song if you've never heard it: Unanswered Prayers

Also this made me smile - thanks to Trena for listing something from the site - it helped me find this I hope I someday have it in my house...it's not expensive - but money is tight these days.

I hope there is someone - whether it be angel, family, or friend that embraces my Riley & Peyton everyday for me!

If you read this whole post I love you and I thank you.....

Riley & Peyton I miss you an extra amount today... my heart is heavy from missing you. I think of you always and love you more than I can ever express... Love, Mommy


Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.  - Isaiah 54:4

Welcoming 2011 with wide open arms...

To start out 2011 check out the Creme de la Creme of 2010 (you can still send your best blog entry in to be added to the list!) I am #86 on the list :)

Also two dear BLM friends are hosting giveaways sooo stop by Names on the Sidewalk and see Tiffany's giveaway AND Amazing Mikayla Grace and see Melissa's giveaway!

There are few things I can remember in 2010 as positive but something my last post helped me realize was that I did come upon so great new music this year.... so given I don't feel up to writing much today as I am also welcoming 2011 with massive awful cramps (sorry TMI)....

So LaCrae and Porcupine Tree.... here are some videos (some are just the songs and what not - neither are mainstream popular with mass amounts of music videos or anything)....

GO DOWN ON THE RIGHT COLUMN AND STOP THE PLAYLIST SO THAT YOU CAN WATCH THE VIDEOS :)

Please give each at least a small shot  :)

Background - by LaCrae



Don't waste your life - by LaCrae






Blackest Eyes - by Porcupine Tree




Time Flies - by Porcupine Tree (I have posted this one before but I just LOVE this video)


ALSO Flyleaf has meant a great deal to me given I went to one of their concerts literally a couple days after finding out Riley was no longer alive :(

Again by Flyleaf
(this song brought me to tears at the concert a couple days after knowing Riley was gone but still carrying Riley...)



Arise - by Flyleaf