Face2Face WNY Group

Face2Face is an idea started by Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They have had leaders sign up all over the country and I have signed up to be a leader for the Western New York group.

If you or anyone you know is a BLM in the Western New York area - such as Buffalo, Rochester, Lockport, or other smaller areas near those two cities - please feel free to email me and when there are some members we will set up our first meeting!! :) My email is jess(dot)heartforchrist(at)gmail(dot)com

Also if you are on Facebook and would like to join the group and possibly attend meetings you can go to our Facebook page!

Faces of Hope Giveaway! Comments accepted until the evening of Nov. 17th!

Welcome to my Faces of HOPE giveaway!!!

Ok so here's the deal. I wrote a Faces of HOPE story. Everyone will get 9 chances to enter!

This is a giveaway for an angel plaque for the first winner and a custom bracelet for the second winner!

(If you would rather not have an angel plaque or bracelet you may choose something of equal or lesser value from my store OR the value of that item towards a purchase you would like to make. Your choice!)

Put my store's button on your blog for one entry!







<br /><center><a href="http://toobeautifulforearthart.blogspot.com//"><img src="http://www.thecraftyartist.com/misc/memorialart.JPG" /></a></center><br />

Each person can enter up to NINE times!!!!!!!!!!!

So here are the ways that EVERYONE can enter:

(remember leave a separate comment for EACH entry you do!)

1. If you read my Faces of HOPE story, leave a comment on THIS post.

2. If you read my Faces of Loss story, leave a comment on THIS post.

3. Put my store's button (code is above) on your blog AND follow my store's blog, leave a comment on THIS post (one entry if you do BOTH of these).

Mary won my first giveaway!

4. If you follow this blog, leave a comment on THIS post.

5. LIKE my store's FACEBOOK page (in the left hand column or go HERE), leave a comment on THIS post.

6. LIKE my other store's FACEBOOK page (go HERE), leave a comment on THIS post.

7. Post on your facebook about my Story of HOPE giveaway, leave a comment on THIS post.

8. Post on your blog about my Story of HOPE giveaway, leave a comment on THIS post.

9. Like my Heaven's Doves Facebook page (go HERE), leave a comment on THIS post.

Brittani's angel plaque

Jaime's bracelet she won in my first giveaway!

Make sure to check out my store :) There is always FREE shipping within the United States! :)

 YEA for giveaways!!!!!!!!!!!!   I hope you all enjoyed entering :)

I will be announcing the WINNER next Wednesday (Nov. 17th)!

So spread the word until then and get those entries in!

And the giveaway WINNERS are.......

WINNER #1 is - MARY! 

Mary is the fabulous women who created Micah's gift - head on over there and check it out - it's touching how she puts our babies names on growing grass!

She also blogs at Blessed Not Crazy and is a wonderful mother to seven children including her angel Micah Quinn. We know that our babies
brought us together and they are hanging out in
Heaven smiling down on us. I know one day Mary and I will meet each other, and our angels!

Through reading Mary's story she inspired me to want to give my angels names! I am forever grateful to her. Also if you read the comments she stated how she has wanted to purchase an angel plaque for Micah since she saw them but is saving every cent to buy a house. So I am THRILLED to make this for her!

Mary - head on over to my store's blog - click on the PLACE AN ORDER page - click on the angel plaque form and fill it out :) When you submit it I will know what to make you!! :)


I JUST decided I wanted there to be three winners. SO the I did two more random generators :) Cause I'm cool like that!
 
Winner #2 is - Angela! 

Angela is the amazing mother of Charlotte she blogs Little Bird
She is a wonderful women and I have been following her
journey the entire time I have had my blog (since 8/30/10) she
is a strong, brave, wonderful woman!

I would love to make you an accordian book, frame, or bracelet!
If you are totally in love with the angel plaque or something else I have made I'm not good at saying no - so I will make that if you would prefer LOL)

Angela - head on over to my store's blog - click on the PLACE AN ORDER page - click on the appropriate order form for whichever item you would prefer (honestly don't feel bad - pick whichever!!) and fill it out :) When you submit it I will know what to make you!! :)



Winner #3 - JAIME!

She is a wonderful women who has such a heart for the Lord! She blogs over at Forget-me-not Oh Lord. She is a mother of two, one
of which includes her angel baby. I am so glad to know her :)

I would love to make you an accordian book, frame, or bracelet!
If you are totally in love with the angel plaque or something else I have made I'm not good at saying no - so I will make that if you would prefer LOL)

Jaime - head on over to my store's blog - click on the PLACE AN ORDER page - click on the appropriate order form for whichever item you would prefer (honestly don't feel bad - pick whichever!!) and fill it out :) When you submit it I will know what to make you!! :)



Thank you to everyone for entering! I WILL be having another giveaway. When I sent my story to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope I said that I would do a giveaway - sooo whenever that is posted on their site I will be sure to let all of you fabulous ladies know :)  Also if that takes awhile I may just get bored and do another one LOL ya never know!

Day 22-23 & GIVEAWAY!

First of all it is exceedingly important that you enter my GIVEAWAY! I posted the giveaway in yesterday's posting!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THAT POST!!!

Day 22 - A website that has been meaningful to me since my loss


Faces of Loss, Face of Hope

This website was the first place that I told my story after reading some other stories. I also credit this website with me starting this blog. IF Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope did not give you the option of leaving a blog at the end of your story I may have never come in contact with all of you wonderful ladies who I cherish SO much :)

WHAT A BLESSING!!!


Day 23 - A YouTube video that makes me laugh




*This next one does have a baby in it - fair warning in case this is a trigger for anyone*

Day 11 - a recent photo and how it makes me feel

Day 11 - a recent photo and how it makes me feel

This photo was taken yesterday at the Walk to Remember that we did in memory of Riley & Peyton. How does it make me feel. So many feelings... To start with it makes me happy that I started weight watchers again today. Makes me wish I had started it a long time ago but then again you don't think about losing weight when you are pregnant.... It makes me incredibly sad that I have a customized shirt, a walk to remember sweatshirt, a stamped necklace, earrings, a handmade ribbon with beautiful flourishes, and two bracelets... this is how I carry my babies. This is what I have to remember them. This is what I have INSTEAD of having Riley & Peyton. This is my life.

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So I was bombarded on facebook with another friend who is pregnant, more baby pictures... other peoples blessings. I am OF COURSE thrilled for those people but every time I go on facebook I wonder who else is going to be pregnant? Who else will have a sonogram as their profile picture? Who else will feel safe enough, not worried, to tell the world that they JUST found out they were pregnant? How many times will I pray for those women - PRAY MY BUTT OFF that they will not experience the loss that I have? There are days I wish I didn't even check my facebook. I will never have a carefree pregnancy. I will never be naive enough to think everything will be okay. I will probably be terrified until weeks after my baby is born. Maybe forever. Hopefully not. I just want to reach the part of my life where I have a baby (hopefully BABIES) with me on Earth....Thus is life..... and this is my life. This is my pain, my sorrow, my grief to bear.


Momma loves you Riley & Peyton. I wish you were here. Wish that I had sonogram pictures as my profile pictures these past months. Wished I was holding Riley and singing this very moment. But you are watching me now my babies. It's just not how it should be to me, these are not things I ever imagined growing up. I expected sadness but I never would have expected to lose a baby let alone both my babies. You are with me in my heart each and every second of every day. You will remain there as long as I live. I love you so much!

Day 9 - A photo taken after your loss

Day 9 - A photo taken after your loss.

This photo was taken 2 days after I found out that I miscarried Peyton. I had signed up for our local craft show months before hand and decided that weekend I was still going to do it because what was the point of sitting around and crying? So I did the craft show. I hosted a chalk drawing area. You can see in the background the kids next to may tent. That was the chalk area. I have another photo I took when there were lots of family and kids drawing in the area.

It's amazing that I survived it. I didn't cry at all that day, I don't remember if I did at night. I was numb. Still in shock that it had even happened. Astounded that the horror had actually repeated itself...that this was my life.

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So tomorrow is the walk to remember. We collected over $400 in donations from friends and family! I am so honored to be able to give the Western New York Perinatal Bereavement Network (WNYPBN) the donations tomorrow. I am glad they will be able to help so many families going through this grief. Tomorrow will be a sad day for sure but that is okay. 

I received my Faces of Loss shirt in time for the walk :) :) :) I was so happy because I NEVER thought I would get it - I JUST ordered it on Monday so WOW that's pretty impressive!! :) I have posted pics of all the stuff I will wear tomorrow - I will also get the sweatshirt I bought with the Walk to Remember logo and all on it tomorrow. My husband said "you're going to wear all of that" and I replied "Well if there is ever a time to be a walking miscarriage survivor I would say the walk is that time". So hey :) why not? I'm gonna represent the heck outta my babies darn it all! :) :) :)

The personalized addition to the back of the shirt and all my jewelry

These are the earrings I made and the new stamped necklace I ordered :)

My with love ribbon - Thanks Franchesca :)

Bracelet I made :)

My bracelet and stamped necklace

We love you SO much Riley and Peyton - you mean the world to us.

Truly blessed...

Gabby my cute cat that lays nearby during my late night ramblings

I love my blog, I love my friends and family who read it, and I love my new BLM friends. This morning I checked my blog comments and saw that my friend Kourtney (who I graduated high school with - she has beautiful twins) had commented so I read it right away ( I <3 comments). This is what she said:

"just had a thought....quite a while after i was reading your blog.
I think that God has given you these children because He knew how much you would love them. Some people pass off abortions or early losses as nothing and you and others are carrying on their memories and souls with love and purpose.  I can't say that the grief you are going through now would be worth it (because i dont know how you are feeling) but i think YOU had been chosen to carry those lives that God decided to cut short because He knew that you would love them as much as He does.
GOD BLESS YOU Jess <3"

It makes me tear up again just reading it..... that comment meant SO SO much! I don't know if she will ever understand how much. But thank you for that Kourtney!!!

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Miscarriage has changed me forever. My hope and prayer is that I can take that change and do whatever I can to make good come from it. While I am sure for the rest of my life there will be days that I will cry over my angels that does not mean that I will not live my life. I will live my life. I will live it with them in my heart, if they can not be on Earth with me they will live through my words and through my voice. God gave me my children and while they were SO special He needed them in Heaven I will love them just as much as if they were here with me in my arms. Reading that someone believes that God entrusted these babies with me because my love would never die is simply amazing. It's true there are plenty of people who pass off miscarriages or abortions as nothing because in their minds there was never a child - so many children who are not loved and represented on Earth. They are loved in heaven though so that is amazing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband said something to me today right when he got home. I will try to say it in the same way though I am sure I will fail (but he has a worse memory than me so here's the basic thing he said)....He said that he was thinking that we would raise our children to love God in the hopes that they will one day be safe in Heaven (of course we never planned it would happen so early) and now they are. We never had to go through the worry that they would not want God in their lives. They are with Him already and they are some special little babies because God needed them so much, they are that important. As important to me as they are to God! This of course also made me cry.... in a good way. I have a wonderful husband! He doesn't realize how much he comforts me... but he does. Maybe if I say it enough in my blog and he reads it he will begin to believe me ;)

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I made more BLM penpal gifts today and I mailed them out when I mailed out the peacock feather earrings I sold from my Etsy shop (to the right is another pair I have made).
 Even if I was to never get a letter from any of the BLM penpals it would be okay. Making the gifts for others is so rewarding. Imagining a smile during a painful time for someone else makes me feel joy. Makes me feel needed (even if it's all in my head LOL).I could live with that... feeling joy and feeling needed... oh and at some point a baby on Earth... hopefully that last part is not pushing it!

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Soooo thank you to my friend Kourtney and my husband you too truly made my day. I'm huge fan of life throwing me huge blessings like that - God knows when we need encouragement and I feel blessed all the more for it.

Mommy loves you my angels....

Crying through it all

Since I woke up today has been rough emotionally. I think it's my body's payback for yesterday being much calmer (haha). I had a wonderful time with Nate last night. A great meal and just a good date night in general. I enjoy those times. Just being near him makes it all a bit easier to deal with somehow.....

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This morning I went on a few new friend's blogs and was brave enough to go back on APA a forum I was on when I was pregnant. I had already announced my loss to the forum and I had not been on in over a week. I dared to enter my old due date room (March) and was horrified to read of someone else's loss! I cried for her as I read her post and her many questions about what would happen next. She asked about D & C's and if they made pregnancy harder in the future among other things. I wrote her and told her I had one with both of my miscarriages and that it is safe and should not effect future pregnancies. After a certain time it is best to get one to avoid infection... I wish I could help her. I wish I could take everyone's pain away through all this crap. It is awful! It sucks and no one should have to go through it. If only getting pregnant was the hard part and everyone who got pregnant had a healthy baby... wouldn't life be grand? But it's not that easy. We all suffer heartbreak and death but it shouldn't be so early. Oh how I wish it wasn't.....

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I have been sitting in this same spot for almost four hours.... My stomach is mad as in my sadness I have yet to eat... So I am going to get busy and clean and organize. I need the distraction. Hopefully when Nate comes home that will help. He always makes me feel better. I have some room organization to do and then friends are coming over who we have not hung out with in awhile. I think we are getting take out... which is good I barely feel like I can breathe let alone cook. The microwave is calling me and then off to do busy work. I remember when life was simple and I didn't have to distract myself so I wouldn't cry. I know that time will come when this will not be as hard. But it has only been 16 days since I found out and 8 since the surgery. It all seems like yesterday but at the same time like it's been a century of pain. The wind is blowing around outside like all the thoughts in my head. All the things that could have been but never will be. At least not with my two angels.... Mommy loves you, send some smiles down to me to take away my tears. I love you sweet babies and I always will....

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jessica

Mother of two angel babies

Missed Miscarriage #1, confirmed on 2/11/10 at 6 weeks (EDD 9/27/10), D&C 2/24/10

Missed Miscarriage #2, confirmed on 8/19/10 at 10 weeks (EDD 3/15/11), D&C 8/27/10

Buffalo, NY

My first angel:

From the time I was a child I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I married my husband Nate a month before my 27^th birthday and a year and a half later, I knew I wanted to try to have a baby. He was skeptical as he is almost five years younger than me. I told him he would never feel ready. In November 2009 I realized I had skipped my period. I got a bunch of negatives on tests and discovered I had only skipped my period because of going off birth control. In January I skipped it again but this time got a BFP (big fat positive)! I was shocked, texted my husband a pic and then had to explain to him what two lines meant (haha). I got a blood test and sure enough it confirmed the results. We told family and soon after that at around 5 weeks we told our church members and friends. I put a “Preggo” spaghetti can up as my Facebook picture and announced it there too because I was too excited to keep this joy a secret!

Soon after I experienced some spotting. I called the emergency line for my doctor's office and they said not to worry too much unless it continued. It stopped within the hour. Three days later it returned I called again and set up an ultrasound to make sure all was well. The day of my appointment before leaving work I went to the bathroom and there was more bleeding and a quarter sized clot in the toilet. I immediately started balling. I composed myself and with blood shot eyes and tissues galore and left for my appointment. My husband met me there and when my name was called I managed to remember how to use the muscles in my legs and I stood up and followed the nurse. I was told to empty my bladder and then come back to the ultrasound room and undress from the waist down. I did so and sat on the table holding my husband's hand and waited for the ultrasound tech to come back in the room. When she did she told me she had to do a transvaginal ultrasound given I was not very far along. We watched the monitor while she made faces and looked at the screen during the ultrasound. Neither of us had any idea what we should or should not be seeing so all her face did was scare us. All she mentioned before leaving the room to get the doctor was that it seemed like I had a heart shaped uterus (I later found it was also called a bicornate uterus).

The doctor came in and upon another ultrasound coldly stated “There is no heartbeat I would not get your hopes up – this is not good! Having a heart shaped uterus could cause further issues. We will do a blood test to check – but do not get your hopes up. We will see you in a week” From the moment he said “no heartbeat” I lost it. I was balling and felt like the word was caving in on me. It was hard to breathe. This was not supposed to happen to me. But it was happening and the blood tests just confirmed our fears. I got a D & C two weeks later as this was a missed miscarriage and my body was not taking care of it. The procedure was easy and all the friends who had had a miscarriage and then had normal pregnancies helped ease my worry. The pain was never gone. I would look up how far along I “would have been” had it not happened. I would wonder why my body did this to me. I will never forget my angel.

My second angel:

Nate and I moved into a new bigger apartment in May which was the plan we had when I originally found out I was pregnant. We decided to go along with the plan since we knew we would try again. Right after moving in I was laid off and went on unemployment. Two months later my period did not come as expected. I took tests and all were negative. We went on a camping trip with my family and a week later when we returned I tested the following morning on a whim. Sure enough to my surprise a BFP! I showed my husband and asked how many lines he saw. He said 3 – I laughed and said no honey there are 2! We were in awe but thrilled. I called my doctor's office and they ordered blood tests to check my Hcg and sure enough it went up! Given my miscarriage history they scheduled an early ultrasound and at 6 weeks 4 days I saw the heartbeat! We were thrilled. We were already further along than the last pregnancy and this time we saw a heartbeat! We thought we were safe.

I had spotting 2 weeks later but it was brown blood and I was told to not worry. Some more spotting a couple days later and this time I was given an emergency exam. The bleeding was outside the cervix and all looked well my uterus felt like it was the right size. They quickly showed me the heartbeat and I felt better. In another two weeks I returned for my first full prenatal visit. I was 9 weeks 6 days and I met with the nurse and gave my ever exciting medical history. She told me I could quickly see the heartbeat with an ultrasound. I did and I was so relieved. The doc was called to surgery so 3 days later I had to return for the actual exam. I came to the visit alone that day as it was routine and I had seen the heartbeat 3 days earlier. The doc did the exam said all looked well and broke out the fetal doppler. I was excited at the prospect of hearing my baby's heartbeat! After ten minutes he still heard nothing so I was scheduled for an ultrasound 30 minutes later. I grabbed a bite to eat and still not worried came back happy to see another glimpse at our baby and to take a pic home for my husband to see. They did a normal ultrasound and saw nothing, I emptied my bladder and returned for the transvaginal ultrasound. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I asked the tech if there was a heartbeat and she confirmed my fear. There was no heartbeat, within the past three days my baby had died. I was balling and sobbing and in complete shock. Why was this happening AGAIN. It was worse than last time because this time I was alone. No one to cry with, no one to comfort me. I was sitting half naked in a room waiting for a doctor to confirm I was carrying my dead child. He came in and he confirmed it. I had another miscarriage. My body was betraying me again.

I came back a week later and the doctor gave me a choice. A pill to make the process happen naturally or another D & C. I wanted the remains tested and also thought I could not handle miscarrying at home or some random department store bathroom. The D & C was 2 days later and my husband took me to the hospital and waited while the surgery was performed. As soon as the nurse asked me to undress I started crying. I couldn't keep it together this time around. Within 6 months I had lost 2 children. Within 6 months my entire life had changed. The doctor saw me before the surgery and asked if I was okay. I told him it was much harder this time around. I was sedated and woke in recovery and less than an hour later I had eaten and left the hospital with my husband. Our baby was gone. My body felt empty and my heart felt heavy. It had happened again. I am full of anger, sadness, and grief. I will never be the same.

The pain will never completely dissipate. I ache for my babies. For the firsts I will never see, for their bodies I never got to hold. Mommy and daddy will always love you! We pray that we will be able to hold one of our children in our arms one day and watch them grow old and have their own children.

One thing is certain: miscarriage has changed me forever.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18