The ignorance of people & Riley's angelversary

First of all I would like to say that I miss my babies dearly and I always will. No matter I lost how many ignorant people decide to impart their judgement and arrogant nonsense opinions on me I will ALWAYS remember them!

A year ago today I found out I had lost my sweet baby Riley. My life changed forever that day and I lost the naive carefree girl I once was. Such a loss adds years to your life and heaviness to your heart. Really no one can fully understand that unless they have also lost a child. I realized first hand today that even some BLMs are ignorant too.

I (as many BLMs do) started an "event" on Facebook that just asked people to remember Riley for one minute today or to light a candle if they could. I can't leave the house given I am recovering from my surgery so I thought it would be nice to have others remember Riley since I can't leave the house and do a balloon release like I would have liked to.

So I see that a "friend" and BLM that I worked with at one point and just had a baby chose to "not attend" befor getting mad about it I wrote her and said:

"Just wanted to say congratulations on your baby!
I saw you choose to NOT attend my event for my baby? All I want people to do is light a candle or even think about my child for a second on 2/11 so I don't really understand the not attending? May I ask why you did that?"

THIS was her response (that I got to read while in physical pain from surgery & overly emotional given lack of sleep and the fact that I lost Riley a year ago today):

"I don't want to be rude or anything. I know what is like to have two miscarriages, but in my opinion you need to get past it. I know you want to remember them, but don't understand why you constantly remind yourself of what happened. I guess I just cope differently. I felt better just forgetting what happened even before I was able to successfully conceive. I grieved for a few days and it was over. I felt better mentally and emotionally just putting it behind me. There is nothing I could do to change it so why keep thinking about it. It would only make me more sad.

I am also not very religious, so the nature of your event makes me uncomfortable.

I hope I didn't offend you, but I gave you my honest opinion. Please understand where I am coming from and its nothing against you.

I hope you are recovering well from your surgery, I just saw your post about that."

SOOOOO DELETE DELETE DELETE
after responding with this:

"I figured you should understand because you had lost a child but I guess as you explained I was wrong. The was an exceptionally rude and nasty thing to say to me especially after I went through this surgery and a year after I lost my baby. Yes, you did offend me. A lot. This event has nothing to do with religion other than the fact that I believe my children are in Heaven. So I suppose it would be easy to forget my children if I thought they did not exist. If you believe they don't exist then I'm sure it was easier to get over. That is not the case for me and it makes me sad if that is the case for you.
I will recover just fine. Thank you. Good luck with your future."

Trust me when I say that is NOT what I wanted to say at first. But honestly why stoop to the level of being nasty? It wasn't worth it. Never is. I find it hilarious the vibe I got from the message where it seems like she thinks it makes her a better mom to have gotten over her losses. Absolutely insane. I don't "remind myself" of my babies because they were never forgotten. If they can't live on Earth they can at least live through my words and thoughts. And there is NOTHING bad or unhealthy about that!


Nonetheless I just had to get that out but I am in a lot of pain now so I must be off. Recovery is anything but fun especially on such a hard day. My heart is heavy.

I miss you Riley, and I always will...

Home and recovering

Please excuse and typos as I am laying down while typing and can barely see the keyboard LOL

Surgery went well today. They removed the septum - my doctor said I did great - and a cyst was removed from my left tube also. I will ask more about this on TUesday I was half out of it when he told me today :)

I have three small incisions. One practically in my belly button, and one below that to the left and right. These are not fun especially when I have to bend to get off the couch. ICK! However I would say the worst part of this ordeal will be the balloon catheter in my uterus. For one my uterus does not want to be that stretched out so I am crampy and secondly the tube from the catheter is coiled up down there and the tube pops out whenever I go to the bathroom. Sitting is not the most comfy this with this sucker! Also there is pain from the carbon dioxide still inside me - it will take a couple days to absorb and my doc told me it may feel like I am having a heart attack but I'm not LOL

Soo I am recovering and thank God I have pain medication! Whew! There was a lovely resident that was very interested in my case who I explained everything too. She was kind as were all the staff at the hospital. I am glad this is over and hopefully in 2011 I will find out I am pregnant with a rainbow that will grace us on Earth in 2012. For now it is time to recover my butt off (or my uterus in this case) and get my uterus lining all healthy until summer time :)

Much love to you all thank you for thinking of me! If you don't hear from me for a bit please know I am around but resting up :)

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Jessica

Mother of two angel babies

Missed Miscarriage #1, confirmed on 2/11/10 at 6 weeks (EDD 9/27/10), D&C 2/24/10

Missed Miscarriage #2, confirmed on 8/19/10 at 10 weeks (EDD 3/15/11), D&C 8/27/10

Buffalo, NY

My first angel:

From the time I was a child I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I married my husband Nate a month before my 27^th birthday and a year and a half later, I knew I wanted to try to have a baby. He was skeptical as he is almost five years younger than me. I told him he would never feel ready. In November 2009 I realized I had skipped my period. I got a bunch of negatives on tests and discovered I had only skipped my period because of going off birth control. In January I skipped it again but this time got a BFP (big fat positive)! I was shocked, texted my husband a pic and then had to explain to him what two lines meant (haha). I got a blood test and sure enough it confirmed the results. We told family and soon after that at around 5 weeks we told our church members and friends. I put a “Preggo” spaghetti can up as my Facebook picture and announced it there too because I was too excited to keep this joy a secret!

Soon after I experienced some spotting. I called the emergency line for my doctor's office and they said not to worry too much unless it continued. It stopped within the hour. Three days later it returned I called again and set up an ultrasound to make sure all was well. The day of my appointment before leaving work I went to the bathroom and there was more bleeding and a quarter sized clot in the toilet. I immediately started balling. I composed myself and with blood shot eyes and tissues galore and left for my appointment. My husband met me there and when my name was called I managed to remember how to use the muscles in my legs and I stood up and followed the nurse. I was told to empty my bladder and then come back to the ultrasound room and undress from the waist down. I did so and sat on the table holding my husband's hand and waited for the ultrasound tech to come back in the room. When she did she told me she had to do a transvaginal ultrasound given I was not very far along. We watched the monitor while she made faces and looked at the screen during the ultrasound. Neither of us had any idea what we should or should not be seeing so all her face did was scare us. All she mentioned before leaving the room to get the doctor was that it seemed like I had a heart shaped uterus (I later found it was also called a bicornate uterus).

The doctor came in and upon another ultrasound coldly stated “There is no heartbeat I would not get your hopes up – this is not good! Having a heart shaped uterus could cause further issues. We will do a blood test to check – but do not get your hopes up. We will see you in a week” From the moment he said “no heartbeat” I lost it. I was balling and felt like the word was caving in on me. It was hard to breathe. This was not supposed to happen to me. But it was happening and the blood tests just confirmed our fears. I got a D & C two weeks later as this was a missed miscarriage and my body was not taking care of it. The procedure was easy and all the friends who had had a miscarriage and then had normal pregnancies helped ease my worry. The pain was never gone. I would look up how far along I “would have been” had it not happened. I would wonder why my body did this to me. I will never forget my angel.

My second angel:

Nate and I moved into a new bigger apartment in May which was the plan we had when I originally found out I was pregnant. We decided to go along with the plan since we knew we would try again. Right after moving in I was laid off and went on unemployment. Two months later my period did not come as expected. I took tests and all were negative. We went on a camping trip with my family and a week later when we returned I tested the following morning on a whim. Sure enough to my surprise a BFP! I showed my husband and asked how many lines he saw. He said 3 – I laughed and said no honey there are 2! We were in awe but thrilled. I called my doctor's office and they ordered blood tests to check my Hcg and sure enough it went up! Given my miscarriage history they scheduled an early ultrasound and at 6 weeks 4 days I saw the heartbeat! We were thrilled. We were already further along than the last pregnancy and this time we saw a heartbeat! We thought we were safe.

I had spotting 2 weeks later but it was brown blood and I was told to not worry. Some more spotting a couple days later and this time I was given an emergency exam. The bleeding was outside the cervix and all looked well my uterus felt like it was the right size. They quickly showed me the heartbeat and I felt better. In another two weeks I returned for my first full prenatal visit. I was 9 weeks 6 days and I met with the nurse and gave my ever exciting medical history. She told me I could quickly see the heartbeat with an ultrasound. I did and I was so relieved. The doc was called to surgery so 3 days later I had to return for the actual exam. I came to the visit alone that day as it was routine and I had seen the heartbeat 3 days earlier. The doc did the exam said all looked well and broke out the fetal doppler. I was excited at the prospect of hearing my baby's heartbeat! After ten minutes he still heard nothing so I was scheduled for an ultrasound 30 minutes later. I grabbed a bite to eat and still not worried came back happy to see another glimpse at our baby and to take a pic home for my husband to see. They did a normal ultrasound and saw nothing, I emptied my bladder and returned for the transvaginal ultrasound. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I asked the tech if there was a heartbeat and she confirmed my fear. There was no heartbeat, within the past three days my baby had died. I was balling and sobbing and in complete shock. Why was this happening AGAIN. It was worse than last time because this time I was alone. No one to cry with, no one to comfort me. I was sitting half naked in a room waiting for a doctor to confirm I was carrying my dead child. He came in and he confirmed it. I had another miscarriage. My body was betraying me again.

I came back a week later and the doctor gave me a choice. A pill to make the process happen naturally or another D & C. I wanted the remains tested and also thought I could not handle miscarrying at home or some random department store bathroom. The D & C was 2 days later and my husband took me to the hospital and waited while the surgery was performed. As soon as the nurse asked me to undress I started crying. I couldn't keep it together this time around. Within 6 months I had lost 2 children. Within 6 months my entire life had changed. The doctor saw me before the surgery and asked if I was okay. I told him it was much harder this time around. I was sedated and woke in recovery and less than an hour later I had eaten and left the hospital with my husband. Our baby was gone. My body felt empty and my heart felt heavy. It had happened again. I am full of anger, sadness, and grief. I will never be the same.

The pain will never completely dissipate. I ache for my babies. For the firsts I will never see, for their bodies I never got to hold. Mommy and daddy will always love you! We pray that we will be able to hold one of our children in our arms one day and watch them grow old and have their own children.

One thing is certain: miscarriage has changed me forever.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18