"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Today was an odd day. I didn't really care to accomplish much and for no reason whatsoever I started crying. Emotional nutcase - thus the life of a grieving BLM. The pain never fully goes away. But I got a lovely, lovely email from a fellow BLM. It truly touched my heart and made my day. Here is the email:
Jess,
Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and leaving such a sweet comment. I want you to know that I truly appreciate your friendship. Thank you for being so kind and supportive. You are a true blessing. I pray for you every single day and can't wait to share in your happiness when you find out that your rainbow baby is on the way. I am so sorry that you have had to wait so long for that blessing. I know it is hard when others are given the blessing that you would give anything to have and you are still waiting. I am so sorry! I know that your turn is comming very soon though. You WILL have that healthy baby in your arms! You will be able to tell them all about Riley and Peyton and how much you love ALL of them. You are such a wonderful mom. Not only to Riley and Peyton, but also to this little rainbow you are waiting for. You have already done so much for this precious baby and it hasn't even been concieved yet. You can't get a better mom than that! If I ever get to meet your little rainbow I am going to tell him or her just how much their mommy loved them long before she ever got the chance to meet them. You are a very special person and have helped so many of us through our grief. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your precious babies with us. God bless you my friend!
Love,
Mary (Micah's mommy) http://blessednotcrazy.blogspot.com/
Mary is the reason my sweet babies have their names! I read about how she couldn't handle thinking of her little one up in Heaven without a name and I thought I need to name my babies too! So within a couple days of reading her blog we gave our sweet babies names. I will forever be grateful to her for that and for her friendship through this sad journey. I am so thrilled that she is having a healthy pregnancy with her rainbow baby. Thank you Mary! you mean so very much to me!
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Nouwen, Henri
"Hope is the ability to hear the music of the future.
Faith is having the courage to dance to it today."
- Dr. Peter Kuzmic, theologian, Slovenian-born, citizen of Croatia
Hi everyone! I have been busy busy busy in my Etsy shop for the last month! And my efforts have worked! I have gotten almost 40 sales in one month :)
I am featured on this blog and if I get the most votes I will get my own full feature! Which means more exposure :) You can also submit your own item if you have an Etsy shop - to be considered for another time when she does this!
PLEASE HELP ME! Someone else has a lot of friends who are voting for them and I need some votes too!!!
THANKS SO MUCH!
Also check out and follow my craft blog if you get a chance :) http://craftycreations81.blogspot.com/
You can find coupons for my store there!!
Also I just started making and selling these new infant loss awareness
So I have been busy lately. With just life in general really - nothing super exciting whatsoever. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an exciting life, to be an exciting person. But at the same time I am perfectly happy being my homebody, somewhat dull self. I don't mean that to sound depressing - it's not - part of who I am is that I love to be home, on the couch vegging out or spending time out with my husband. Those are my favorite times. Though I must say if money wasn't an issue we would go out far more than we do. Thus is life...
Quick note: Check out my store! Big sale and free gift for each order made before 2/11/11 (Riley's one year angelversary)!
I subbed the past two days for Elementary Music. Crazy right? Yep - pretty much. The plans were basically impossible for me to do - because although I can sing - I am not a music teacher. So it was a fly by the seat of my pants kinda subbing moment. It's sad how often those moments occur! Then I took the same job today - apparently because I like to torture myself. The last class (before chorus) was AWFUL! And when I informed the teacher that they were LOUD he just smiled and said thank you and they all left. I was like WOW and I wonder why they don't act good - because YOU don't care! UGH! That made me mad!
SO my surgery is a week from Thursday. Time did go pretty fast. I am looking forward to getting it over with and moving on. Afterwards I can look forward to the summer when TTC will be a possibility again. I have two pre-op appointments before then. I think this is rather extensive - I mean how much is my blood going to change in 4 days? Seems silly but I have to trust that there is a logical reason behind it and it's not just to get me to waster my gas money, energy, and time. I am looking forward to Thursday and Friday. Tomorrow I had planned to stay in but it seems the weather would make me anyways. WE are supposed to get about 16 inches where I live tomorrow. Oh what fun. SO as long as the roads are passable by Thursday morning I will be a happy girl. All the schools in the area pretty much are already closed and it hasn't even started to snow yet. I have to say I am proud of WNY for being proactive - they are often anything but - let's hope this isn't an excuse for them to not plow the roads in a timely manner. There are some that will have to go to work so I hope for their sake that the roads are well managed.
Thursday is my first meeting with my Face2Face group at 9am so that is why I need the roads to be good :) I am looking forward to meeting the two ladies in my group and just talk ya know? It's sad to meet people who share similar sad circumstances but at the same time - why go through it alone? There are FAR too many people in this world that "ignore" their losses or "pretend they never happened" - people who won't talk about it. And I have to say that sooner or later (most likely) that will eat them up inside. The book I have been reading "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb (who's other two books I LOVED in high school) just threw a WHOLE LOTTA baby loss at me. I read these parts of the book while subbing, with a class in the room (they were watching a movie for class) and I was shocked that I handled it so well. It gave me hope that maybe these moments in books and movies won't rip me apart for the rest of my lives - it is far more likely that I was just having a strong day. Honestly seeing the pregnant art teacher talking about her due date in the lunch room was far more upsetting.
I am looking forward to Friday with Nate SO much! As I mentioned above we can't often afford to go out and have date nights and what not like I would like so I am cherish our all day excursion. The one downfall to the day is my pre-op blood work (NOT a fan of needles). However other than that it will be a fabulous day. We are getting up early (by early I mean like 8 or 9 LOL (I like to go to bed very late and sleep till like 11am - I am weird. Anyways we are going to bowl two games and see if Kinect has improved our bowling skills - I'm not gonna hold my breathe LOL ;) then we are going to grab some lunch (I have a coupon YEA) and then paint some pottery (it's the art teacher in me - I love it) This place lets you paint it there and then they fire it and you can come back and pick it up! :) Then blood work, a trip to Best Buy (we have gift cards we may use), movie (I am thinking Sanctum), and a nice dinner out at Red Lobster (which I hope will include an amazing Pina Colada)! It will be a fun outing before surgery and recovery and all.
As a last note I would like to add that after going to my parents to do laundry after an EXHAUSTING day of quieting elementary music students... my dad told me a package had some for me. This is odd given I have not lived there for the last 2 1/2 yrs. since I got married... I open it and I am still confused until I see something that says G.oogle. Then I'm like OOOOHHHH I think I know what this is. NO WAY! And I was right - they sent me a free G.oogle chrome laptop! I had filled out a survey I'd say a month or two ago for one. Answered questions and if I was chosen they would send me a laptop to keep for free and I just write to them if I have problems or suggestions with the computer and the operating system! VERY COOL! I would include pics but I am far to tired and lazy currently. I apologize for spelling errors and such but this computer is weird to get used to and what not so bear with me ;)
Anyways I am off to watch a show before bed - I have been fighting sleep for awhile now but I will soon welcome it with open arms. On that note I am praying for no sad dreams. The other day I had a dream that I had a stillborn baby girl and that I was so upset but two hours later we realized the doctors were wrong and she WAS alive. In the dream I remember loving her, holding her, playing with her, I awoke with a smile on my face to realize - of course - this never happened - it was a cruel trick my mind played on me. I am glad I had to work that day because otherwise the dream may have overtook my day - may have made it quite unbearable. SO I pray that dream or others like it will not enter my mind tonight or ever again....I pray my dream of a living child will be reality sooner rather than later - but I know it is all in God's time - not my own...
"Believe in dreams You love so much
Let the passion of your heart
Make them real
And tell
All the ones you love
Anything and everything you feel
Laugh about the past
And secretly
Wish we could go back
And save the child..." - Flyleaf "Believe in Dreams"
Riley & Peyton momma loves you so much! How I wish I could wake and find that losing you was all some cruel dream. That I could wake up and have never lost you. That neither of you had ever died.That my body had never killed you. That this stupid septum in my uterus never existed. That the last year was all just a horrible nightmare. Sadly I know this will never happen but I also know that I will wish that for the rest of my life until the day I hold you in my arms up in Heaven. I carry you in my heart my loves. In my words. In my voice.In every way except in my arms where you should be... I love you more than I could have ever imagined. So little, so loved. Thank you for making me strong and keep sending me those peaceful moments when I just know you are here with me. Thank you my sweet babies. Thank you.... I love you SO very much!
I find that grief is a strange nightmare. I have never experienced anything so indeterminably chaotic. There is an ebb and flow to my emotions. Like tides in an ocean but FAR less logical.
My baby Riley's angelversary is 2/11/11. Riley's first birthday in Heaven and I will be recovering from my surgery that I will have the morning before. I am at peace with that though I know that having a balloon in my uterus that will make me feel pregnant will be a nightmare in general let alone on that day. Another pregnancy is far off for me and honestly that is the hardest part. It is depressing to know that there is no way that I will have a child in 2011. All I can hope is that when we TTC again (hopefully in June) that I will get pregnant at some point in 2011. People can say I am young but 29 (30 by the time we can try again) is not young when it comes to baby making. I always wanted to have all my kids by the time I was 35. Maybe that won't be an option but I hope that after the surgery my baby problems will have ceased. God willing.
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It is crazy to think that had I now lost Riley I would have a four month old. If I had lost Riley but had not lost Peyton I would be over 33 weeks along now. So much loss. Too much pain. I have always felt horrible for those parents whose children die before them. I have always thought that I want my children to bury me, I surely don't want to outlive them. I never would have thought that they would die before they even had a chance to breathe on this Earth. But, you know, I doubt anyone ever thinks they will experience something like that. We all think that we are immune until it happens to us. As BLMs now we have lost that naive sense of safety, of immunity, of worry free pregnancies. It's sad but at the same time I don't miss that naive part of me. I would rather be prepared for the anguish then have it blow up in my face like both my losses did. Even after losing Riley once I passed the 7 week date I thought we were golden with Peyton, we saw a heartbeat and everything. But then the heartbeat was gone and I was alone in that room when I found out. I will NEVER go to a doctor alone again. NEVER.
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Now looking to this coming surgery it makes me SO angry that my body caused these miscarriages. My stupid abnormal uterus made my babies die. They never had a chance. They most likely implanted on the tissue that separates my uterus. Given the tissue has no blood flow it can not support implantation. So if they were implanted anywhere near there - which they must have been - they didn't have a shot. Septums give a woman a 90% chance of miscarriage. Maybe with mine being so big they had an even smaller % chance. It sucks that I have had this condition LITERALLY since I was 22 weeks in the womb and yet I had to go through all this loss before finding out. But I have to look at this situation and think that God is taking care of my babies. They are pain free and full of joy in heaven and for this I am glad. If I could choose to I would take them back in an instant but at least I know I will see them again one day.
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I have planned out my first meeting with my Face2Face friendship group that I am leading through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. We are meeting on Feb. 3rd at 9 am. So far there are only 3 of us but I think starting small will be good :) I really wanted to meet with them BEFORE my surgery the following week in case I am recovering for awhile so I am thrilled that we worked out a time. I look forward to meeting some BLMs in real life! I wish I could meet every one of you! Wouldn't it be great if there was some time portal (think Start Trek LOL) where we could just BOOM be at each other's houses to talk! Yes I like Sci-Fi LOL not a HUGE Star Trek fan but it fit my current thought LOL.... either way I wish we could all meet someday but I am glad we have DBL to talk!
<3 Also I just wanted to add a thanks to my now 71 followers! It makes my heart filled with joy that so many care to read about me and my angels! I have had this blog for about 5 months and it helps me so much as do all of your lovely comments! <3
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"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure." ~Author Unknown
Face2Face is an idea started by Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They have had leaders sign up all over the country and I have signed up to be a leader for the Western New York group.
If you or anyone you know is a BLM in the Western New York area - such as Buffalo, Rochester, Lockport, or other smaller areas near those two cities - please feel free to email me and when there are some members we will set up our first meeting!! :) My email is jess(dot)heartforchrist(at)gmail(dot)com
Also if you are on Facebook and would like to join the group and possibly attend meetings you can go to our Facebook page!
While I have a Cheers & Jeers ready to post very soon I felt the need for my 100th post to be more than my amusing (at least to me), happy, or angry views on our society. So I figured I would post some quotes that I have wrote down from movies, books, etc. and talk about life lately.
It's long but I hope that you will take the time to read it :)
For those new(er) to my blog - I have been writing since late August. A couple weeks after I lost our second child Peyton. Our first child, Riley, went to Heaven 2/11/10 and Peyton grew wings 8/19/10. My husband is wonderful and also devastated but I believe it is a very different type of loss for me. For any woman that has been through this. My blog has been my way of getting out my feelings. Honestly writing about my sadness, my loss, my feelings that most people in my life could never begin to understand. My blog was once networked on Facebook but I have since removed it - it's for me - not for others. Those that read it that I know in person I love you for reading this. Thank you. Those that read this in my BLM community - you mean the absolute world to me!
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Life is pretty calm... pretty uneventful. The way I like it lately. I don't want too much insanity. I have enough of that in my life... in my head. Enough worries. I miss my old worries. I miss that my biggest worries were finding a teaching job. Oh how nice it would be if that was my biggest worry. It's amazing how small those problems seem after the past year. Since February my life has been a blur. I feel like it has passed quickly - shocked that it's Christmas again and yet at the same time the past 10 months has seemed like a lifetime. A lifetime of sadness. I lifetime of anxiety. Worry. Heartbreak. LOSS.
Tomorrow I get my HSG (hysteropingogram) done. It's a surgery though my husband hates me calling that so we say procedure or test. It scares him to think of me getting another "surgery" - given I had two D & C's in 6 months. I tell him I don't like to think about it. It terrifies me that having those two surgeries could have damaged something and therefore made it harder or impossible to get pregnant. These are my fears among other things. I am taking place in a study where they mix a liquid in with the dye that will help my uterus to stay uninflamed and promote increased fertility. I'm all for increased fertility! I will know the results tomorrow right after the procedure - at least's that's what I was told so it better be true! After that I have an ultrasound appointment on Monday - who knows what they look for. No one told me. I finished the last of my fertility drugs today. And I have been taking Amoxicillin to ward off infection from the surgery tomorrow. Hopefully it will also take away my cold or whatever I have (that's what the doc put me on a month ago when I was sick). I will let you all know what the results are - I will be surprised if they find anything but knowing everything is okay will be good too.
Many of my BLMs who's blogs I read recently found out they are pregnant. I wish them all the very best. All I can do is hope and pray that I will be joining them soon. At the same time though the prospect of being pregnant down right terrifies me more than I can even begin to explain. I was worried the second time around but now I will be terrified. I know that God's will is His and He has my best interests at heart. I know that if it is meant to be, it will be. I also know that the devil is out there trying his best to plant doubt. To plan worry in my mind. It's really easy sometimes to feel down. To wonder why the h*ll this is happening to me. WHY ME? But you know what? I have no idea how MY journey is affecting others. Maybe if this hadn't happened to me I wouldn't have affected someone else positively or met someone I was supposed to meet (I feel that about many women in this community. For instance Jamie and Mary among MANY others!) You all mean so very much to me!
This clip isn't the greatest but when it was on the show it touched me - EVERY single time I watch this it makes me tear up. What it was supposed to be was a dance about addition the man being drugs and the woman being the one who is addicted. To me the man is my grief or even the devil and the woman is me. It's such a powerful dance. Check it out.
So if this test tomorrow shows nothing is wrong then basically they know nothing. Well I mean they know things they just don't have answers as to WHY I have had miscarriages. I have no blood disorders or other issues. They have tested me for a LOT of things! I'm "normal" - HA - I beg to differ - normal people don't have two miscarriages! I digress... after this it's just - get pregnant and then they can make sure my progestrone and folic acid and all that is okay. Also the specialist will put me on thyroid medicine because apparently my thyroid is underactive - that was the one thing they found from the blood tests.
I have begun to realize that at some point during the week I will read or watch something that involves baby loss. Someone on my last post told me not to watch those shows (the comment is not published) well you know what I REFUSE to rewrite my whole life because I lost my children. They meant the world to me and they STILL mean the world to me. But I know that if they could they would tell me not to lock myself in a box worried that something may make me sad. There is ALWAYS a chance that something will make me sad but I will not stop watching T.V. and reading books just because those situations MAY arise. That is not to say that I don't understand that some people don't want to watch medical shows and so on. To each their own. I can only handle so much of people telling me what I should and should not do. I don't write about it on here so that I can be told not to watch those shows. Emotions will always arise. Life will move on. I choose to write about it here so as not to be judged. If I were to talk to people in real life about things that bother me (for example the incident where my friend said she understood that I hated seeing pregnant women - she only hated it because she wants to get pregnant and she seriously thought that was the same as my reason for being upset) they wouldn't get it. Maybe some people who read this don't get it and that's fine too it's my way of coping.
Anyhow I am reading the book Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah (it's very good by the way) and one of the characters found out she was pregnant. The first thing I thought was oh no I hope it's going to be okay. Then I stopped reading for a second thinking about the fact that BEFORE I lost Riley & Peyton that never would have been my first reaction. Never would have come to mind actually. Now if I see someone pregnant in real life, on t.v., read about pregnancy in a book...the first thing I think is oh no I hope she doesn't lose the baby. Sure enough in the book she does. It's only a couple pages about it and then she's pregnant again and the baby is fine. If that had been the case for me I would have been 26 weeks along with Peyton right now. But that wasn't me. Here is a quote I liked from the book ...
Conversation:
friend - "I guess it's a blessing it happened early"
pregnant girls mom - "four months isn't early... people who haven't had a miscarriage always say that. It was what Bud said to me. Twice."
friend - "Thanks. Now I know what not to say. I just wish I knew what would help."
I read the book Charlie St. Cloud recently (I had a post where I put a bunch of quotes from the book) it was a very good book. So I went to redbox and rented the movie and honestly I was EXPECTING to be disappointed but other than the fact that the ages were off and the beginning was not the same as the book the movie was great! The writer, Ben Sherwood, was executive producer so I believe that ALWAYS helps a book to be portrayed better through film :) Anyways this is a part I loved from the movie - made me cry - A LOT.
Charlie: I miss you.
Sam: I'm okay Charlie. I'd give anything for you to see me. What I've become. But, no one ever gets to see what could have been.... it's beyond anything we could have imagined Charlie.
Charlie: I hurt as bad as the day you died.
Sam: You hurt because you're alive.
"You hurt because you're alive." - so very very true.I read in someone's blog today that she didn't know how she had tears left as her loss was a couple years ago and she thought she was doing better.... I commented that there will always be tears because the loss of a child will never NOT be sad.
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In a way I sort of hoped that the doctor would find something wrong with me when they did all the testing. I'm the kinda girl that likes to have answers... reasons. If only life were that easy. If you know a reason at least you can try to PREVENT that from happening but if nothing is wrong there is nothing to prevent - it's maddening! Alas, I may not have a reason and I have to live with that and trust God through that.
I watching this lifetime movie today where the mother died from cancer and she said this quote below right before she passed away.
“Mothers never really say goodbye to their children that would be impossible. They say try to remember everything I taught you. They say don't cry because we'll see each other again. They say I will always be with you. They say I was so proud to have been your mother.”
- What Girls Learn (Lifetime movie network)
I agree that it is impossible to say goodbye to your children. I never taught my children anything but I'd like to think that they know their momma is a good Christian woman and that by living my life to the best of my abilities I am showing them that in some way. I know that I will see them again in Heaven and surely some of my BLMs & their little ones that I am sure are their friends. Mary mentioned once that she is sure our babies brought us together. That made me smile. Mary is the reason Riley & Peyton got names. Her story was my inspiration! They will always be with me, and I with them I hope. And I will ALWAYS be proud of them . They were so important to me and always will be!
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Here are two poems I love.
"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
A Pair of Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown
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Lastly I came upon this song today - never heard it till today. Christmas Lights by Coldplay. This part really hit me:
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Down where the sea and city meet
May all your troubles soon be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Maybe they'll bring her back to me
Then all my troubles will be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on
If you read this whole post you are amazing and I thank you - please leave even a :) as a comment to let me know you read it - it would mean a lot :) :)
I was reading Angela's blog today (Little Bird) and she mentioned rejoining life. Some of us as BLMs take longer to do this than others. After the loss of Riley I still had a job and so rejoining life was less of an option and more of a necessity. There was no choice in the matter. Life was the only option. Living a normal life and going to work, grocery shopping, driving, having conversations, being around pregnant women. These were all things that I had to do. Well 3 months after that miscarriage I was laid off from my job. So when we lost Peyton I was also grieving Riley at the same time because rejoining life sort of made me not grieve the appropriate way. I adapted the world's look on miscarriage. I rarely ever talked about my first miscarriage. I sure didn't have a fabulous network of women to help me through it. Life overtook all that healing. So it became this scab or horrible scar that never went away. It was always there so when our sweet Peyton left us the wound just opened back up. It was all I could do to not scream.
I do not know to this day how I ever drove myself home from that appointment. I was alone when they told me Peyton was gone. There were NO issues. No bleeding, everything was fine. I THOUGHT everything was fine or I never would have gone alone. But I did. I saw the heartbeat three days before. So naive me - even after having one miscarriage already - never thought I would get bad news. How dumb of me. This has taught me that there will NEVER be a time that I will go to an appointment alone. NEVER. I remember crying for a very very long time. Through the tears I drove to my cousin's house and spoke to her before driving the rest of the way home. I saw her two beautiful children, hugged them and kissed them both, doing my best to not cry so her son wouldn't ask me what was wrong. I survived. I still don't know how. I probably never will.
When I was pregnant with Peyton I remember saying "I can't have another miscarriage, I don't think I could handle that, I couldn't do it!" - I try my best not to think that or say that again. I don't even want to imagine going through this a third time. Do I still think it? Of course. I am terrified that when I get pregnant again this will happen all over again. My doctor said that sometimes he puts people on supplements and all that does is prolong a pregnancy that was doomed. Well thanks for the vote of confidence! Can I get a glimpse at some positivity? Is that too much to ask? I know that God knows what is best. I know that if we are meant to have children we will and if I am meant to lose another child I will. I pray it will be the first and that there will be no more child loss. But I'm not crazy enough to think that I have any control over this at all.
I had a pregnant high school girl in my first and last period when I subbed on Thursday and Friday. It was like the universe was punching me in the face! I was like REALLY I need this? I didn't need that. I had heard her in the hallway the first day say "I'm due in February!" and I was like geez good for you... and then OF COURSE she's in my classes! Now all I need is a drug addict that's pregnant and I'll feel even better. It's ridiculous that people who treat there bodies awful, are very young, and a million other things get to have kids with no issues and I lose both my children. I don't wish this on other people but it just seems for some it is SO hard and others it's a piece of cake. GRRR
OH I forgot to mention I got AF on Thursday so my surgery (hysteropingogram) is on Friday. Tomorrow I start taking my Femara (fertility drug) and Wednesday I start taking Amoxicyllin (to ward off infection that the procedure can possibly cause) apparently all I get for medication for this is the choice to take some motrin. I was like oh geez like that will do anything.... So I'm not looking forward to it. But at least it will be over and we can TTC again! If I get pregnant this cycle (both other times were right away - the first was a surprise the second was the first time we tried) then the due date would be very similar to Riley's due date. Honestly I think it will be hard no matter what. I think I will be terrified no matter what - so I welcome any pregnancy with open arms and a wide open heart!
Today is my first major attempt at rejoining life. I am going out with some friends for a bachelorette party. My friend (who is also my landlord who lives below us) is getting married next weekend. I am sure tonight will be a blast - I got 12 hours of sleep in preparation for being out till the wee hours of the morning. I am shocked to say I am actually looking forward to it. Well, except the fact that I have been told I must wear a dress. This I do not look forward to. I mean I love the dress I am wearing. My mom made it for me. But these are 5 or 6 incredibly skinny girls and I feel if any pictures are taken tonight that it will end up looking like the Sesame Street "which does not belong" - I will be the orange amongst all the apples.
Well I JUST received a text that my one friend is not wearing a dress so I no longer HAVE to wear one however the Sesame Street analogy still applies.... they are still skinny and I am still not skinny. There is no way THAT is going to change before tonight. Either way I am doing a "normal" activity, I don't think I could handle a baby shower any time soon but bachelorette I can - I am happily married so this is not a sore spot for me like babies are. I have high hopes it will be fun! (I'll let you know if I'm right!) It will surely be a night filled with most likely NO talk about my baby loss and THAT I am not great at. So we shall see how it goes....
With that I have received an award from Trena at Free to Fly a sweet sweet momma who I met through Heaven's Doves after creating a dove photo for her sweet twins Bryston & Colton.
The rules of this award are:
1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award
I could not do only 5 but I didn't want to overload so I chose only 10 which was very hard! If you see yourself in my blog roll to the right OR if I have ever commented on your blog then please know I read and you all touch my heart - you all help me so much! I grieve my two babies so much but I am so glad that I have you all through this sadness.
Thank you to each and every one of you for the way you have touched my life and the way you have helped me realize that I am not alone in my loss, that we can all be there for each other.
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss & have made their way out of the depths ... Beautiful people do not just happen" --Elizabeth Kublar Ross
"A person's a person no matter how small." - Dr. Seuss
Riley & Peyton momma loves you so very much! I wear the jewelry I have for you every day. I carry you with me always.
I wanted to write about my friends CDs. They put one out in 2007, did a concert in our area awhile after that and have now done a Christmas CD. Each CD is $10 and there is a $2 shipping fee. They are using the money gained from these sales to put towards the adoption of an Ethiopian child. They have three beautiful biological children also :) This is their blog: Foster Family Journey. Feel free to stop there and encourage them on their journey and let them know you headed over from Jessica Malloy's blog :) They would love the support! THIS post mentions the CD.They also have a Facebook page.
The Fosters have been working towards this adoption for years and are finally at the top of the list! Here is the site to go to if you are interested in purchasing the CD - ALSO you can check out a couple full examples of the songs and some previews of the others. I forgot to mention that the couple that is adopting the child is my church's Assistant Pastor and his wife. :)
I feel as though I am at an impasse (definition: a situation that is so difficult no progress can get made or a road or passage having no exit). I was so easily upset today over a rather simple thing. But to be honest it meant something to ME! Should I take it so hard, should I take it so personal? No. Am I? Yes, of course, what don't I take personally lately?
Even worse I feel like if I explain the situation to anyone I know they will write it off as nothing. People don't GET the irrational nature of the emotions flowing through my body. I thought recently that I had been doing well lately. You know what I had been doing well. But as the hours pass by and the moments add up I realize how badly I needed to cry. To just sob uncontrollably. Was this stupid incident the main reason? Of course not. There are plenty and plenty of REASONS I broke down. Those little annoyances, you know the kind I mean? Well they add up. You know how when you were a kid and you would see piles of presents under the tree. Well I have a freaking pile of annoyances! For that past couple months they have just been building.
I wish I had a padded sound proof room. It doesn't need to be big. I just would love an area to go into and literally SCREAM and punch and kick... oh that would be so so so nice. I took my blog OFF of networking on Facebook. I'm SO sick of not being able to say what I really need to say because I am worried someone there may read it. Well if you are reading this and you know me in real life I hope and pray that you would not take anything personally. I HIGHLY doubt that many (if any) people from Facebook will take the time to look up the site and read my posts. Which is fine. I would rather they didn't. This blog is not for other people. It is not to help others understand the mind of a crazy emotion filled BLM. It is to help ME (the crazy emotion filled BLM). I did not start this blog to keep family and friends up to date on my struggles. Quite honestly I was proud of my ability to be so raw with my emotions. So truthful with my words. That was why I put it on there. But in retrospect. I think raw honesty about such pain makes other uncomfortable. I'm not here to make others uncomfortable. As a BLM I have enough of those moments myself.
So if you know me in real life and you are choosing to read this then please stop reading if my blog makes you sad or uncomfortable.
As I said this is for me. This community of BLMs has helped me more than any person (who is not a BLM) could EVER understand. We can relate to each others pain. We don't feel bad for venting to each other. We are there for each other with (virtual) hugs and encouragement. I wish I knew you all in real life. I said to another BLM today that I wish we all had a SAFE area. Where we could go when we needed each other. For instance one of you could just *POOF* show up and give me a hug and cray with me - if even for a minute. Other than maybe my husband I would never feel comfortable crying and talking about my pain with anyone. I don't want people to look at me like a glass that could be easily broken. While I AM like a glass I don't want to be viewed or treated with fake delicacy nor do I want to be judged for being delicate. I have my days where I wake up and feel strong and then I have my days where I mask my feelings with a strong facade. Nonetheless this blog is my safe zone. My area for me. I am so glad I have met so many wonderful BLMs through it. It doesn't bother me that people I know in real life read it but I just hope those that do never take offense to my words. Imagine if you typed out exactly how you were feeling. You may say things others don't fully like or understand too!
Anyways.... everything kinda came at me today. The past 2 months or so these annoying moments have just been building up. I am sure over time I wrote about each of them in a blog when they happened. However when the people that upset you don't "get" that what they said or did was upsetting you can't adequately explain it to them so then it really just seems like that situation just sticks around because how do you "get over" something that you can't fix. Kinda like baby loss. You can't get over it because it's not a problem that can be solved. I should have a post "crap that makes me mad" LOL that would be a fun one!
So basically this is at least the 3rd time that I have gotten extremely upset in regards to this situation. So this is my impasse. This is a group of people that made me mad are meant to be understanding and helpful (I'm not mad at any BLMs just to make that clear because they are also understanding and helpful) and honestly they have only come off as cold, controlling, and completely uncaring since we lost Peyton. Some of these people I have known for YEARS and to realize the lack of caring involved in specifically ONE of the situations! This is also not family (just to make that clear). Sorry to be vague but there is the chance that someone could read this and I have gotten "calls" in regards to one of the situations and I in no way want any more calls or counseling or any such thing.
In lieu of a whole post named things that annoy me - here are a few I can think of. * wanting to start a support group and being told that one on one works better. Well if I KNEW people who experienced baby loss I would talk to them but most don't walk up to strangers and admit such a thing. * People telling me I should be "happy" my babies are in Heaven * People saying (who have NEVER gone through this) that the pain will "get better in time" * The lady who blew up balloons for Riley's balloon release telling me that she had lost "3 or 4 or something like that but you'll have more and you'll be fine" - wow NOW I feel better * My friend saying she understood when I said I wanted to scream if I see one more pregnant woman (she is TTC and has NEVER lost a child) * People saying "you can still have more children" * and so so many more things
May I say that as I went to post this I was watching my DVR'd Ellen episode (11/24) and she showed clips from when she had celebrities go out and do hilarious pranks on people - it made me laugh so hard. So at least I can end this with a smile :)
If you made it through the whole post thank you SO much! :0)
Day 10 - A photo taken more than 10 years ago and how it makes you feel
The first photo was taken a little over 11 years ago. June 1999 when I graduated from high school. As you can see I love frogs LOL! This makes me feel jealous honestly. Jealous of my naive worry - by this I mean that my biggest worry was having a fun summer and starting college. HA! If only my worries were so simple now. Even back in January before I ever knew I was pregnant with Riley my biggest worry was getting an art teaching job. My my how times have changed.... OH and I am jealous of how freaking skinny I looked back then. Even then I never thought I was "pretty" always thought I was overweight. That hasn't changed but I would love to weigh 80 lbs. less like I did back then. : /
This second photo I am guessing was taken 21 - 23 years ago. I would guess I am 4 or 5 but I have no idea really. I hope to have a child on Earth one day that is a big ham like I was ;)
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The Walk to Remember was today - below is a "smilebox" scrapbook that I made with pictures from the walk.
Make your own free digital scrapbook
This poem was written and read by a 9 YEAR OLD at the program!
This poem was read at the program - it was so touching!
This photo was taken 2 days after I found out that I miscarried Peyton. I had signed up for our local craft show months before hand and decided that weekend I was still going to do it because what was the point of sitting around and crying? So I did the craft show. I hosted a chalk drawing area. You can see in the background the kids next to may tent. That was the chalk area. I have another photo I took when there were lots of family and kids drawing in the area.
It's amazing that I survived it. I didn't cry at all that day, I don't remember if I did at night. I was numb. Still in shock that it had even happened. Astounded that the horror had actually repeated itself...that this was my life.
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So tomorrow is the walk to remember. We collected over $400 in donations from friends and family! I am so honored to be able to give the Western New York Perinatal Bereavement Network (WNYPBN) the donations tomorrow. I am glad they will be able to help so many families going through this grief. Tomorrow will be a sad day for sure but that is okay.
I received my Faces of Loss shirt in time for the walk :) :) :) I was so happy because I NEVER thought I would get it - I JUST ordered it on Monday so WOW that's pretty impressive!! :) I have posted pics of all the stuff I will wear tomorrow - I will also get the sweatshirt I bought with the Walk to Remember logo and all on it tomorrow. My husband said "you're going to wear all of that" and I replied "Well if there is ever a time to be a walking miscarriage survivor I would say the walk is that time". So hey :) why not? I'm gonna represent the heck outta my babies darn it all! :) :) :)
The personalized addition to the back of the shirt and all my jewelry
These are the earrings I made and the new stamped necklace I ordered :)
My with love ribbon - Thanks Franchesca :)
Bracelet I made :)
My bracelet and stamped necklace
We love you SO much Riley and Peyton - you mean the world to us.
...was supposed to be today - September 27, 2010... but it was not meant to be. Which I know saying that is rather obvious but that's just the fact of the matter. I used to think that facts were useful. Helpful in learning something, gaining knowledge, but this FACT is not useful. My baby being dead is not useful. Yes yes I know that my baby is in heaven - I KNOW - it brings me a brief smile through my tears when they come. But the fact that i know they are in heaven does NOT make the pain go away. Does not change this nightmare, this horror, this ache...
"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain." (from my day #4 griefshare email - click here if you are interested in it)
When I write I often listen to songs from my blog playlist. Mad World was playing a minute ago which is an odd song but I have loved it ever since seeing the movie Donnie Darko - strange but fabulous movie! Here are the lyrics.... (yes they are sad I am well aware of this)
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very Mad world, mad world, enlarging your world
Mad world
First off let me start by saying please do not worry I am not a depressive crazy person. I liked this song many years ago and I personally would not find a dream in which I'm dying the best I ever had. So stop worrying....
OK I underlined some of the parts I like or find interesting. I think it the last part is the most interesting. This is the remake lyrics - the original version by tears for fears did not say enlarging your world. I like that part. I truly believe that grief contributes to enlarging ones "world". For instance I never would have met all you wonderful people reading this had it not been for my grief. I never would have started this. I most likely would be rocking a baby right now. But instead I get my enlarged world. I get my life lessons. I learn from my loss...lucky me...lucky us....lucky 2,000 women a day... (for those who didn't get that the use of "lucky" was VERY sarcastic) I can think of ways I would have rather enlarged my world - like traveling. But this is my lot in life my niche in my corner of the world. At least for now. I hope not forever. I hope and pray daily that this is not some recycling process that will never end. I know I am meant to be a mother of living children. I just want my rainbow baby alive on this earth... in my arms.
Riley has been in heaven for 7 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days. Oh how I miss you my sweet Riley.
I held my cousin's baby today. He was born almost 3 months ago. I was tickling his beautiful feet and loving the feel of a child in my arms. It was all I could do not to cry. But all babies do is make me smile especially when they are in my arms. I'm sure Riley is in heaven playing with other children, with Peyton. I wish Riley was here to play with my cousin's baby. To be with us. To cry and wake me up at all hours, to make me literally exhausted - I would welcome all of that with open arms to have Riley back.
Yes I know my miscarriages were early on but if you have not been through it don't judge my grief - don't think I should be over it - and you sure as crap better not ever tell me that! No one has a right to judge such a loss. When I knew I was pregnant I loved Riley RIGHT away. That little pink line invited love into my heart. Talking of names and plans of our coming family invited hope into my heart. Hope for becoming a mother. That hope was smashed and while it was a month later - trust me - that was PLENTY of time to fall deeply and madly in love with my child. My Riley...my baby...my first child.
Momma loves you Riley and I wish you were in my arms right now. I wish I was singing to you. I wish you were here with us. But I know you have Peyton to keep you company. I love you both more than I could ever fully explain to anyone. You will always both have a piece of my heart.
If you missed it when I posted it before this youtube video is me singing a song for my babies....
(if you watched it already thanks :) don't feel I think you need to keep watching it I just thought it was fitting to post it for Riley today)
I just spoke with a new BLM friend that I am sure will continue to be a wonderful friend in the future. We discussed alot and I stayed up way to late LOL but it was well worth it! Conversations and wonderful comments from old friends and new BLM friends helps me appreciate this blog all the more. I never would have met any BLM's without this blog. I thank God for the strength to go through this, I could not do it without Him.
Today a new friend from the pregnancy forum I was on when i was pregnant told me that she was going to forget the two miscarriages she had and that that would be easier. While I know that this is societies way of handling such loss I personally don't see how it's possible. After speaking to her I wouldn't think it would be possible to her either. I wish her all the best in the world and pray she has many children but I hope that she doesn't forget because she has two babies in heaven who love and need the love from their momma just the same.
As my friend said today all us BLM's need to get the word out that we will NOT stop talking. Talking is good and we need to get the word out that miscarriage is a loss it is a loss the same as any other. Our babies were alive and taken from us far too soon. We will not "get over" this, this loss will always be with us so others need to learn how to handle such situation because thousands of women have miscarriages over 700,000 in a year. This is not something small so people might as well learn how to handle and help us through.
Mommy loves you sweet babies. I will always tell EVERYONE I am your momma! I will broadcast that love from now until the day I die. And I will praise God every day for you!
Now that the sun will be coming up soon.... I am off to bed.
Gabby my cute cat that lays nearby during my late night ramblings
I love my blog, I love my friends and family who read it, and I love my new BLM friends. This morning I checked my blog comments and saw that my friend Kourtney (who I graduated high school with - she has beautiful twins) had commented so I read it right away ( I <3 comments). This is what she said:
"just had a thought....quite a while after i was reading your blog.
I think that God has given you these children because He knew how much you would love them. Some people pass off abortions or early losses as nothing and you and others are carrying on their memories and souls with love and purpose. I can't say that the grief you are going through now would be worth it (because i dont know how you are feeling) but i think YOU had been chosen to carry those lives that God decided to cut short because He knew that you would love them as much as He does.
GOD BLESS YOU Jess <3"
It makes me tear up again just reading it..... that comment meant SO SO much! I don't know if she will ever understand how much. But thank you for that Kourtney!!!
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Miscarriage has changed me forever. My hope and prayer is that I can take that change and do whatever I can to make good come from it. While I am sure for the rest of my life there will be days that I will cry over my angels that does not mean that I will not live my life. I will live my life. I will live it with them in my heart, if they can not be on Earth with me they will live through my words and through my voice. God gave me my children and while they were SO special He needed them in Heaven I will love them just as much as if they were here with me in my arms. Reading that someone believes that God entrusted these babies with me because my love would never die is simply amazing. It's true there are plenty of people who pass off miscarriages or abortions as nothing because in their minds there was never a child - so many children who are not loved and represented on Earth. They are loved in heaven though so that is amazing.
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My husband said something to me today right when he got home. I will try to say it in the same way though I am sure I will fail (but he has a worse memory than me so here's the basic thing he said)....He said that he was thinking that we would raise our children to love God in the hopes that they will one day be safe in Heaven (of course we never planned it would happen so early) and now they are. We never had to go through the worry that they would not want God in their lives. They are with Him already and they are some special little babies because God needed them so much, they are that important. As important to me as they are to God! This of course also made me cry.... in a good way. I have a wonderful husband! He doesn't realize how much he comforts me... but he does. Maybe if I say it enough in my blog and he reads it he will begin to believe me ;)
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I made more BLM penpal gifts today and I mailed them out when I mailed out the peacock feather earrings I sold from my Etsy shop (to the right is another pair I have made).
Even if I was to never get a letter from any of the BLM penpals it would be okay. Making the gifts for others is so rewarding. Imagining a smile during a painful time for someone else makes me feel joy. Makes me feel needed (even if it's all in my head LOL).I could live with that... feeling joy and feeling needed... oh and at some point a baby on Earth... hopefully that last part is not pushing it!
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Soooo thank you to my friend Kourtney and my husband you too truly made my day. I'm huge fan of life throwing me huge blessings like that - God knows when we need encouragement and I feel blessed all the more for it.
(First of all - for those close to me who are overly worried that I am too "sad, etc." please read the blog I wrote directly before this or check out the page above titled 'Why do I write?")
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It was almost 7 months ago that my heart first broke. When I realized sometimes getting pregnant is not the hard part. 18 days from now would have been our first baby's due date... Sometimes even when you think something won't happen to you, you can still become part of a sad sad statistic.
Today (though not till around 2pm) three weeks ago my heart broke again. I thought I was safe and would hear my baby's heartbeat but he/she had joined their sibling and I was left to cry in front of people I barely knew. There was no heartbeat again. Again... my second child was in Heaven. Far far too much pain in a little over 6 months! I fear that I will never be worry free in future pregnancies - how can I be? Both times I stopped worrying and it was followed by heartbreak. Not that one could ever prepare themselves for such news. Not like someone who wants a child so badly can not fall in love with the baby inside them.... of course that will happen.
I sent out some little gifts and cards to some of my BLM penpals. It brought me joy to make things that could bring a smile to others who are hurting like me. I enjoyed making the little gifts and writing the cards. I hope that they find these ladies well and bring even a tiny amount of joy to their day.
The outside world "the real world" mainly views miscarriage talk as taboo. Something we should all shut up about and get over - we should put on our big girl pants because it wasn't meant to be - should be happy our babies are in Heaven.... well I will not shut up, I have my big girl pants on already, and I am NOT happy my babies are gone. I will never be "happy" they are gone! A part of me will always be with them. But I wish they were still with me.... Mommy loves you!
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I have been reading "About what was Lost: 20 writers on miscarriage, healing, and hope" and today I have been reading "I went out full" by Emily Bagelon & Dahlia Lithwick (one of the writings in the book)
Here are some quotes that hit home today.....
"Mis-carry: the word itself creeps with guilty error, as if you've carelessly dropped something you were meant to hold...So when you miscarry it's hard not to feel like you did something wrong...Other women who'd miscarried...helped me take my grief seriously...I held onto the idea that I was joining a sad but wise tribe...Which makes me wonder why the common assumption persists that it's better, or in better taste, to grieve for the loss of a pregnancy in private... Shouldn't we be talking openly about this much more often, so that we're better prepared for the grief when it hits us?" - Emily
"I think we all falter around miscarriage because society has no scripts for dealing with it, and never has. There are no rituals, no expectations no Hallmark cads for miscarriage - as there are in abundance for illness, death, even the loss of a pet. For the lack of such scripts, women who miscarry endure most of it in silence and solitude...I also suspect that with a handful of shining exceptions, the people who best knew how to be with us through all this HAD endured it." - Dahlia
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I created a button for my blog with a picture I had taken... I love it :)
Also today seemed a fitting time to start "Heaven's Doves" - check it out. Feel free to request a free dove(s) for your baby/babies. And grab the button I created for that page so that others may know about it. I often think of birds as being free spirited, soaring through the sky... seems fitting. I hope everyone else likes it too.
Goodnight my sweet babies. I will sing you lullabies when I meet you in Heaven one day. All the one's I would have sang to you when you were in my arms....You will never be forgotten. I love you so much!
SO the storm began.... I had to leave for my doctor's appointment for the ever so exciting (note sarcasm) follow-up appt. about my D & C. The room of course was PACKED I mean literally. We were freaking sardines. There were two women there each with like 3-5 older children and the one woman's children were being insanely rude to people and she was doing nothing. It was awful I had been waiting an hour in a room filled with kids and pregnant women and I was so close to screaming I could barely breathe. So I asked how much longer I had to wait and they said 20 minutes but I was next. RIDICULOUS! I swear those people want to torture me. Last time I went there for follow up after my first miscarriage I had to wait TWO hours!
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Finally I got called in. Talked to the doctor briefly. As I expected the results from the testing of the remains from the D & C have not come in yet. He said they would tell me when they did... so we shall see. I told him I was going to see a specialist and he said the doctor I am going to is usually who he would send people to anyways. So that was good I guess. He told me most tests can't be done for 6-8 weeks which really just plain sucks. But oh well. I have learned all too soon how little control I have over any of this no matter how much I wish I did. I left with my file copies in hand to take to the specialist on Friday. Those crazy kids were harassing a lady outside (their mom was in with a doctor) and kicking her car. I felt like I was on Jerry Springer! Insane! But she got in the car and screamed at them and left. WOW!
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I looked through my file copies. They never told me this before but at my first ultrasound (6 weeks 5 days) my baby had a heartbeat of 120 beats/minute. My baby had a normal heartbeat. My little bean seemed healthy at one point. The doctor told me today that the remains showed tissue and cartilage was forming and the baby was a good size. I read my D & C results from Feb. it said my uterus was 7-8 weeks in size. That is further than I thought I was then. None of this does anything to help me of course but it's sad that the only proof of my babies are documents in my file that call them "intrauterine gestation" and that refer to my miscarriage as a missed abortion which I despise more than I could ever explain. I do not want the word abortion anywhere near my file. I did not choose to do this... My baby had a heartbeat once... 44 days ago that heartbeat was 120 beats/minute. But that was then....
Whether you are with me or not you will always be my sweet little baby beans. ALWAYS! Mommy and daddy will see you again one day. We promise. We miss you very much my loves...
I have come to the conclusion that if all the tears were collected from all the women who have suffered the loss of their babies then the world would be one big ocean.
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My birthday was July 22nd. This year we had found out I was pregnant the 19th of July and got the positive blood test results to confirm it on my actual birthday. That was a wonderful birthday present! While cleaning today I found the card my husband wrote me. When I reread it this part made me tear up: "I'm hoping and praying that our little bean pulls through this time. I want very much to have a baby with you. I know you'll be a great mommy." I wish our little bean had pulled through too. I have never wished anything more in my entire life.
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I have learned a lot about coping with loss from reading other grieving mom's blogs and speaking to some wonderful women. I believe that talking and writing have been really helpful and will continue to be. I wish that there was some sort of support group in my area to meet other women but the only one I know of is almost an hour away. I know that this is not ridiculous distance but for me with a somewhat unreliable car at times it seems quite a drive (especially with the fabulous Western New York snowy weather coming soon enough ). It would be one thing if people actually spoke of such losses but sadly many people may never share their grief with anyone but close family. I think that many people are uncaring about miscarriage. Sometimes people are very put off by it. It's sad because there are probably many women who will never work through their grief. It is a loss that can cause people to loss faith in God, can ruin marriages, and cause emotional turmoil. I think support is a necessity and it's sad that there is not more of it readily available to people.
Many sites collect donations of grief and loss baskets for couples to take home when they have lost a baby during delivery, etc. Many of those probably point them to support groups but I still wish that I could do something to help. I would love to have people even meet at a coffee shop or a house together but again there comes the problem of how do you find out who these people are? Maybe I will have an epiphany and figure it out sometime. We shall see....
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Today a friend told me while chatting on Facebook that she was sad for my losses and that she wanted to let me know that she had a planned c-section on 9/27/10. I was glad that she told me this but it did bring tears to my eyes. This was our due date for our first baby angel. I am blessed to be able to know this and not be surprised when others mention his/her birthday when I am caught off guard. This makes me able to prepare myself. She said she knew that maybe I would think of my loss every time I saw her child but that I could hold him/her whenever I wanted to. This made me smile. I am glad that she told me and glad that she will have her little one soon even if it is on a sad day for me. I am glad that there is not another person in this world who has to experience loss and pain. I wish and pray the best for her.
I love children.
I saw my cousin's kids after I found out about my last miscarriage. It was hard not to cry in front of them. Her daughter is young and would not have noticed but her son is a handsome little genius and I knew he would ask why I was crying and that would have made me cry more. I stayed composed while around them and enjoyed the company of their cuteness and holding her son. I was afraid to lift anything when I was pregnant because I was afraid I would cause a miscarriage so I had not picked him up in awhile and usually we chase each other and I lift him up all the time. Little did I know no matter how safe I was my second angel was going to join his/her sibling in Heaven. There was nothing I could do about that.....
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Did you ever sit and think about life? Try to understand the ins and outs of things that have happened to you? It's mind blowing to imagine all the life and death that happens every day in our world and the amount of people it effects. Can you even imagine how many people are grieving a loss right this second at the same time as you or me?We can not even fathom how many people are effected by grief and sadness every day. It's sad. If I did not have faith in God and a true belief that His will is best for me and no matter how cliche everything DOES happen for a reason....I don't know.....I just would be a very different person. It does not take the pain away but with a belief in Him and in Heaven I know my babies are safe. I will go to bed very soon and I will kiss my sculpture - my little angel babies - on my dresser and I will try to drift off. I wake up thinking of them every morning and I know that they must visit me in my dreams though I never remember them. I don't think I have remembered a dream since I found out about my second baby grew wings. Maybe I will wake up and remember my dreams again one day. I must not be meant to yet....
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The quote that sort of named my blog was "An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies' births. And whispered as she shut the book 'Too beautiful for Earth'". When I read my husband that he said something along the lines of I want our next baby to not be so beautiful then....I want our babies to stay on Earth.
Daddy likes to joke. We are glad you are beautiful babies and that you are happy in Heaven but we hope to get to raise your brothers and/or sisters one day. We wish we could raise you but God needed you in Heaven. That makes mommy and daddy sad, you mean the world to us. I am a mother of two because you are my children even if you are not on Earth.
"A person's a person no matter how small" - Dr. Seuss
I am off. I hope I dream sweet dreams whether I remember them or not... Dreams should be full of happy to even out the waves of sadness. I pray that is the case for tonight. "There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be." (Willy Wonka)
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“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.“ Philippians 4:4-7
I am a mother of three angels Riley (2/11/10) Peyton (8/19/10) Cameron (10/14/11) who are waiting for me in Heaven. I am also a mother to Logan - born 4/29/12 - my rainbow baby (Cameron's twin) and Lucas (7/13/14) my second rainbow baby. I am a SAHM, sell Younique, and own a small business doing paint nights :)
