"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. Which for some reason has made me feel restless. Makes it difficult to sleep and when I do sleep I don't feel like I slept well.
Last night for the first time ever I had a dream that we had a baby. I have had dreams of babies that in my dream was Riley or Peyton but that I knew could never happen you know? They are in Heaven and I know that. While it was nice to see them in my dream like they were alive on Earth I know they aren't. This dream however was so realistic and I knew it was my baby boy. He was so sweet. So well behaved and he loved his momma. I would guess he was about 6 months old in the dream. He was cuddling with me and smiling and laughing and I was so very in love with that little boy. My baby boy.
It was surreal.
When I woke I IMMEDIATELY wanted to go back to sleep and see my baby again. Hold my little boy. Alas, I had to wake up and make a dish to take to my Nana's second memorial service. A sad time. I cried SO much more at this service than I did at last weeks. Overemotional? Is Aunt Flo coming to visit? I HOPE NOT!!
I barely ever dream and I certainly never remember my dreams so clearly. I wish I was good at drawing faces because maybe then I could have sketched his face when I woke up. Some say you have weird dreams when you are pregnant. I hope that's true because I hope that I am.
For now I'm going to try to finish my book "The Help" (as I am seeing the movie this week) then I am going to sleep and pray that I dream of my future child(ren).
I've decided not to finish the 30 day challenge. I just don't have the will enough to do it. Too much else in life going on and there needs to be some want on my part to do it and it's simply not there. So I apologize for that.
It has been a long time since I have written anything on this blog and maybe no one will read this post but it's something I need to get out. There has just been far too much to say. Do you ever feel that way? Like there are so many words that it's just overwhelming? Life has been overwhelming. It seems when it calms down in my life something just blows up. I'm so sick of it honestly. I'm sorry for the long absence but I appreciate if you would read this post - I don't have the strength to edit it so please bear with my typos.
June was nice - my husband and I went to Florida to spend time with his family. Two brothers and a sister he had never met. They, along with his aunts and cousins, were all wonderful. I miss them dearly. It's lovely to spend time with people you just met and within a day feel totally comfortable with them. In my opinion that's hard to come by. We were there for a week with his family and then spent two days together in Orlando for our third anniversary. We went to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. It was too dang hot but also fun. Harry Potter was our favorite ride. When we came home a couple weeks later (July 3rd) we went to a hotel and got a dinner package. We had a lovely night. We jokingly called it a TTC getaway.
The following weekend we went camping with my family. We found out while there that my Nana had been admitted to the hospital (my mom's mother). We had known for 3 1/2 years that she had a blood disorder called MDS but recently she had been doing okay. We had seen her in April at my sister's wedding (she lives in PA and we live in NY). They told us that they had her fever under control and she was doing ok.
Tuesday when we were in Lake Placid the one day our fun was cut short when I fell while walking down a steep asphalt hill. All my weight fell on the tops of my feet and my one leg. I managed to catch myself so nothing above my knees was injured. I think so much of me is used to protecting my belly all the times I have been pregnant or trying that it's a built in instinct now. I couldn't walk for a couple days and my feet bruised up really badly.
Wednesday morning we found out my Nana had been transferred to Roswell Park Cancer Institute which is in Buffalo, NY (near where we live). But we were 6 1/2 hours away in the Adirondack Mountains! They said her blood disorder had turned into Leukemia as we always new it would. It had turned into AML leukemia. That night they told us she was doing okay and her infection was under control. My mom talked to her but said she was disoriented.
Thursday morning my Nana's friend called and told my mom that Nana was dying and the nurses had told her to call anyone that would want to see her before she passed away. When my mom told me I said I'm driving with you mom - let's go. We hurried up and ate, grabbed what we could, someone programmed the gps and we left. Along the way we called who we could and told them the sad news and let them know if they could get there they should. There were eight siblings to contact (she had 9 but one passed away from cancer years ago). I made sure my cousins knew and they headed on their way. About halfway through our ride (about 2:30pm) my mom's uncle called and said that if we called Nana was doing well enough to talk to us. So we called and my Papa answered and put Nana on the phone. She sounded happy. She said she was doing good and we told her that we loved her and we were coming to see her. She said she loved us too and we hung up so others could talk to her too.
We arrived at 5pm and by that time my Nana had not been talking for awhile. All I could think was she didn't look good. Don't know why I would expect her to. My Papa tried to wake her up but she just got very upset about her IVs and oxygen in her nose, etc. so we told him to let her go back to sleep (she was on a morphine drip for the pain). We visited with family. Talked about all our great times together with Nana and someone off and on was usually holding her hand. By 1:30am me and my mom were going home to sleep for a couple hours. Twenty minutes after we got home (about 1 hr. 15 mins. after we left) my cousin (who is the same age as me) was texting me saying that the nurse was saying that Nana wasn't going to make it to the morning. So we got back in the car and went back up. We got there at 4am. She was breathing much heavier than when we had left. At 6:12 the nurse was ordering morphine drops and my mom got up to go to the bathroom. At that exact moment my Nana started breathing very shallow and me and my cousin knew something was different. She talked to her a bit and then I held her hand and told her that we were all with her, that my sister wanted her to know she loved here, and that we all loved her so much and she could go Home now. We would see her soon. She seemed to open her eyes a bit in these few minutes. I was holding her hand when the nurse came in and said she was gone and that she would give us as much time as we needed.
My Papa had been partially asleep, so he didn't know till the nurse said that (or at least it didn't seem that he knew). My cousin and I believe that my Nana got her way even in the end. We don't think she wanted Papa to see her last breaths and we think she waited for my mom to leave the room. She knew. That was how she wanted it. Stubborn to the very end. I'm bawling now typing this all out because, honestly it is the first time I have fully relived that night "out loud" (so to speak). My Nana passed away on July 15, 2011 at 6:15 am. A little over a month after her 72nd birthday. FAR far too young. I will miss her deeply for as long as I live. I was sad later thinking about how she would never meet my children that I have and then I realized that she met my children even before me. She is loving on her grandbabies Riley and Peyton up in Heaven. She's taking care of them for me.
My mom told me later that when my Uncle Tim had talked to Nana he had asked her is she was afraid to die and she said "I'm not afraid to die but there's so much to live for." So true. I'm so glad that my Nana is not in any pain any longer. I think that she always knew she didn't want to live with Leukemia, live with that pain. So when she found out she had it I believe she wanted to see her family and she wanted to go Home to Heaven. I know she's smiling down on us every day, wanting us to be happy instead of sad but we just miss her so. I got a ring in the mail that I had made to remember her. It says "So much to live for" Nana 7.15.11
I will cherish it.
A week later - the 22nd - I turned 30. I had a good time spending time with family, friends, and a lovely day out with my husband. I have to say though it was hard. Hard to turn 30 with no children. I always thought I would have 2 by now. When I got married at 27 I thought okay well 1 by the time I'm 30. But that wasn't in God's plans. Still makes me sad though. But either way, I survived. I'm 30.
This is our second month TTC. I believe with the fall and the extreme stress of my Nana's death that God knew last month was not a good time to get pregnant. This month I was started on medication and on Thursday I get to see how my eggs are looking. So I'm praying that this month is our month! If we have a girl her middle name will be Julia after my Nana.
This is a song me and my mom were singing (through tears) in the car on the way back up to Roswell at around 3:50am.
Riley & Peyton I love you so very much! Give Nana hugs and kisses for me every single day for me. I love all of you so very much and I miss you more than I could ever explain. I am glad that while I can't be with you, you can all be with each other. Keep ahold of those pieces of my heart that you all have. One day my heart will be whole again and we will all be together. Your momma(granddaughter) and daddy(grandson) love you very much!
1 year 4 months 1 week 5 days (since Riley went to Heaven)
and
10 months and 4 days (since Peyton went to Heaven)
For those who found me from Still Life with Circles thank you for reading. I think this is a great project that Angie is doing and I am glad to take part in it.
To the reader: this post will be all over the place. As my mind is all over the place. Thus is the life of a grieving mother. So I hope you can stay with me throughout this lengthy post. I apologize if I hop around a lot. I believe I was like that before this grief entered my life too though that part of my life seems like a distant memory...
Where to start. My babies. My sweet sweet Riley and Peyton. When you lose a child you think "What did I do to deserve this?", you look to others, you fall into yourself because well life seems like it's over. You think nothing will ever get better. The utter loss of all that was precious to you that you were CARRYING in your body is gone. I had nothing to "show for it" as they say. No ultrasound pictures. Nothing. To the world it was as if nothing had happened. To some it still is.
When I started this blog 10 months ago right after losing Peyton I was obsessed. I blogged every day and read many many blogs (as you can see from my blog roll to the right). Nowadays I don't write or read nearly as much. Not because I care less or losing my babies doesn't effect me. Simply because life changes.
I think that the hardest part of losing Riley was the fact that EVERYONE knew I was pregnant. Cute, naive me wanted the world to know. I posted it on Facebook and told everyone at church. Two days later my world crumbled. It was like a cruel joke. I still look back on that time and it makes me so sad. I relive that day in the ultrasound room sometimes. How cold and heartless the doctor was and the anguish that my husband and I were in. It breaks my heart every time. I relive the day I lost Peyton often too. I was alone because naive me though all was well that time. In the same room I found out Peyton had no heartbeat. That room scares me and I will never enter it alone again. Ever. People told me (and still do) that I am "young" and we can have more children - blah blah blah. Like any of that made it okay that I lost my children. Honestly to this day - almost a year and a half after losing Riley the worst part is SOCIETY. To be frank PEOPLE SUCK! I am constantly in awe of how people would rather IGNORE the fact that I AM A MOTHER. They would rather not think about the fact that my two children died a mere 6 months apart from each other. People often ask if they were twins because of this necklace that I wear and the fact that the losses were so close together:
I tell them no, that they were two separate pregnancies. This for some reason seems to make people feel worse for me. Two children is two children - whether they were twins or not or two separate pregnancies does not make the loss more or less difficult.
Just last week when returning from Florida I was wearing this necklace and a woman said it was beautiful. I told her that it was for my two children that had died and she just very sweetly said "How beautiful, God Bless them" and I thanked her and we went about our ways. Society should be sweeter, like this woman was to me. Sadly strangers tend to be sweeter about my loss then people who know me. Maybe because it effects people who know me more, who knows.
Even 1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days and 10 months and 4 days later I even dream about them. Sometimes I dream that I have living children. I never call them by name in my dreams. It's just this precious, perfect film in my mind of me playing with my kids. Their first steps, smiling in my arms, playing on the swings, moments I long for... I often wonder if someday I will be playing with my children and have a deja vu moment like it has happened before. Maybe I am dreaming of my future children. It may sound crazy but I often have moments 4 or 5 times a year where I remember EVERYTHING about what is happening - know it will happen before it does - like I have been there before - but I haven't. I have had those moments since I was a child. Who knows. Maybe I dream them before they occur and don't remember them until they happen in my life. You never know. I like to think these perfect films are God's way of telling me everything will work out in time.
Maybe my dreams are transitioning with my grief. Last night for the first time that I can remember since both losses I was telling someone about my losses in my dream. I was telling them about Riley and Peyton and explaining one of my pieces of jewelry to them. They were reassuring me that I would be a mother soon. I hope they are right. I used to take dreams with a grain of salt. Now, however, it seems the ones I remember are ones with my babies and I believe I remember them for a reason. We dream every night and I sure don't remember every dream. So these precious dreams are for me: a reminder to not lose hope and faith that I will have living children on Earth one day.
We are able to start to try again this month. With that comes a whole lot of fright. I am scared that I will miscarry again (even though what was causing the miscarriage has surgically been fixed - there's always a chance). I am afraid of people's reactions - do people really want to be happy for me when they know I could miscarry again? Will they even smile when I tell them? I worry about my families reaction. I currently am looking for a job and so financially we are not as well off as we would like - I don't want to be judged - I want people to accept that after all this loss I can not put off having a child - God will provide. Sometimes I miss the naive me because well - none of that was ever on my mind then - I was happy to tell people - thrilled to be pregnant. I thought getting pregnant was the hard part and I accomplished that so I was good to go... other times I am glad to not be naive. At least I know what to watch for, what to be prepared for... though it doesn't in any way mean it will be easier.
The bad stuff always happens at once it seems. The last year and a half have been very very very hard. 2/11/10 we lost Riley, we moved to a bigger apartment in May 2010 to make room for a future child and two days later I lost my job. On my birthday, July 22nd, we found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and on 8/19/10 we found out we had lost Peyton. They say bad things come in threes - I am going to group losing my job in there - or maybe my THREE surgeries (2 D&C's after my miscarriages and a surgery to correct my uterus). I would say bad things came in more than threes for me. It's been hard. I pray every day that things will start to look up for us.
Honestly I did not properly grieve Riley. I in no way "pretended it didn't happen" or "forgot about it" but I choose to try not to think about and I certainly did not express myself as I needed to. A blog back then would have been helpful. After the loss of Peyton 6 short months later the grief abounded and it had to explode somewhere so it did - onto this blog. Some people - who have no freaking idea what they are talking about - think I should not "think about them" as often as I do. As if that is truly a choice. If I had a five year old that died no one would ever tell me to FORGET that child or not think about them! But for some reason our stupid society cannot wrap it's precious little head around the fact that my children were HUMAN BEINGS. They had eyes, fingers, toes, and heart beats! They were indeed alive! In a world that applauds women for their right to choose and the millions that go off and choose to kill their children I am surrounded by a society of people who prefer to think children are not humans until they are born. People shouldn't be so cruel and so dumb with such a huge loss.
1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days later I still grieve my baby. Had Riley been born he/she (I was 7 weeks along so we have no idea is Riley was a boy or a girl) would have been about 10 months old. Riley's due date was 9/27/10 - someone from my church had their son on that exact day. So needless to say it is VERY hard for me to see her child. Such a reminder of what we lost. 10 months and 4 days later I still grieve my sweet Peyton too. I was less than 2 weeks away from my second trimester when we saw their was no longer a heartbeat. Peyton's due date was 3/16/11 - 3 days before my husband's birthday. Peyton would be about 3 1/2 months old now. So much loss. It has aged me. I feel far older then my nearly 30 years.
It will ALWAYS piss me off that on my medical records it says that I had 2 "spontaneous abortions" within 6 months of each other. It will always make me cringe to think that the word "abortion" is anywhere NEAR my name. I am dead set against abortion and had I not been so depressed the first time someone told me that was what was in my chart I may have slapped them!
I have passed both of my children's due dates with no living child in my arms. That, I imagine, would age anyone. It's so very very hard to watch women my age, or younger than me, who have three children already BEFORE they are 30 and I have none. So hard, and down right maddening to watch people get pregnant "by mistake" when I long to get pregnant! To know that there are people out there having abortions when there's so many people like me who wish they could have a living child. My body was killing my babies and now that has been fixed and I potentially should have no issues carrying a child but I will still be afraid. With every pregnancy because you know what? The naive me is gone. If I didn't FEEL like an adult before on 2/11/10 I certainly became one and I became years older on 8/19/10 after losing Peyton.
1 year 4 months 1 week and 5 days later and 10 months and 4 days later would I say I am "better"? No. Will I ever be? No, because my children are in Heaven and they have a piece of my heart with each of them. I am glad that they have each other and I am glad that I KNOW without a doubt that I will see them again one day. THAT is when I will be better. I will tell my children about their siblings in Heaven. Riley and Peyton will not be forgotten. I will represent them on my skin every day and almost always wear a piece of jewelry to represent them too.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Revelations 21:4
Mommy and daddy love you Riley and Peyton. We think of you every day... We will always love you!
Life has been hectic - originally I was on vacation and didn't have the time to post the 30 days (so I VERY far behind) and since being back from vacation I haven't had the will to post. I found out we may have some financial issues. I have been rather down about that. Life is hard and sadly when I think it's getting better often it gets harder.... At any rate here is days 7-12
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
This is what my husband and I wrote to put on a banner for The Walk to Remember last October. I teared up when I read my husband's. He puts on a strong face but I know this has all been so hard for him too.
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
1) To start looking for a job because I really stinking need one.
2) To get pregnant - it will be our first month trying so it is a lot to hope for but I can't give up hope. I have faith I will get pregnant soon and financial issues or not God will work it all out. I refuse to put having a baby on the back burner - I'm turning 30 in a month and darn it I want 2-3 kids hopefully so we gotta get a move on!!
3) Spend quality time with my husband and my family because life is too short to not appreciate those closest to you.
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Making a sale on my Etsy shop the DAY i reopened it after vacation! Selling my handmade items makes me really happy :)
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
(I linked to the songs in case you are interested in hearing them)
Happy: Angels by The Tea Party (I have called Angels my happy song for years LOL no idea why I just think it's beautiful - I get to see them in concert ON my birthday for FREE!! yeaa)
Sad: Mad World by Gary Jules, Held by Natalie Grant (sad but also helps me remember to have faith), and I would die for that by Kellie Coffey (sad for what I have lost but hopeful because after struggling the singer now has a baby!)
Bored: Some will seek forgiveness, others escape by Underoathe (reminds me of when I started dating my husband we both love this song) and Again by Flyleaf (they are a fabulous Christian band - I saw them in concert a day or two after finding out we had lost Riley and this song had me in tears - I love it.)
Hyped: Raise your glass by Pink (because I just love the upbeat quality to the song)
Mad: Caution Dangerous Curves Ahead by Maylene and the Sons of Disaster (not really an angry song it's just cause it's loud and abrasive)
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
This is actually a picture taken in Florida just last week with Nate's family (many who he had never met) while they are family they are all my friends too.
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
I found it through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope when I was reading other peoples stories I noticed people put their blogs on their - I read a few and realized people had blogs to talk about their grief and I thought that would be good for me to do. So that is what I have been doing for about 10 months now.
OK :) So first off HI! I know it's been awhile and I have not been great about keeping up with consistent posting... I have been busy making items for my Etsy shop.
Also this week has been very tough because a very loved and close family member passed away on Mother's Day at the young age of 61 :( Sadly puts life into an all too real perspective. First of all my parents are not too far from that age and second of all if I were to die at that age I would be half way through my life. I don't feel as though I have lived enough to be halfway through my life. I guess I better get livin'! Anyways he will be deeply, deeply missed by many many people - mostly of course his wife and his two boys that are in their 20's! Happily the family is full of faith and we all know that we will see him one day in Heaven :)
I had made a giveaway but the few people that did enter then got their comments deleted when Blogger did some obviously VERY crappy maintenance. SO it seems not many people read my blog anymore (my fault for not posting often). So there was no interest in the giveaway so I suppose I will revisit that at a later time.
Our trip to Florida is in 23 days or so and I am very excited. My husband will get to see family he has not EVER met in his life and some he hasn't seen in years. So it's all pretty awesome! We are also going to stay at a hotel for three nights (the first being on our third anniversary) and go to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. This also marks the time when we will start TTC although TECHNICALLY that time will be after I ovulate. I don't want to get pregnant before Florida because of all the rides we will be on and all. Just not safe! So technically speaking late June will be when we are actually TTC. So I wouldn't find out if I was pregnant until around my birthday again - which is weird because that was when we found out we were pregnant with Peyton. That would be strange but at the same time I don't have superstitions about such things. I just pray that it will be as easy to get pregnant this time as it was the first two times :)
If you love Etsy make sure to check out my CRAFT BLOG :) I will be starting regular posts - such as featuring undiscovered shops, those I like, sales tips, etc.
"It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all"
Easier to believe if you haven't experienced such loss. That is for sure...
While I see the wisdom in that saying I also know that each and every one of us would take back our loss in a second. Would do almost ANYTHING to have our children back. Do I wish Riley and Peyton never existed at all? OF COURSE NOT! I know they are my children and I know they are safe and happy in Heaven and that gives me peace. But I wish for them to be with me... I always will.
Thank you to everyone who commented on my post from yesterday. I appreciate the outpouring of love more than you could ever know.
I know that I will always feel this pain, always feel this stab in my heart when people announce they are pregnant. I will always have tears come to my eyes when I receive a baby shower invite in the mail. No two ways around it. The pain of such heartbreak will never go away. Maybe it will dull in time but it will never fully be gone.
Someday when I am pregnant again I do not plan to hide it. I'm not going to scream it from the roof tops but I plan to announce it on my blog and tell all close friends and family. I have dealt with the heartbreak of telling people who knew I was pregnant that I lost Riley and then when no one knew about Peyton I told the people who didn't know. You know what? IT SUCKED. It was awful BOTH TIMES. It made no difference. I am not the sort to hide the truth and now that I know that either way is equally awful I plan to celebrate my future pregnancies for as long as I can. I will pray of course that there will be no more loss but I do not want to hide it when it comes the time. I can not sit back and pretend that these pregnancies did not happen, nor can I sit back and be quiet about a new life growing in me when the time comes. Telling people will not save or doom a pregnancy but you know what it will do? It will have that child in more people's prayers. And THAT is all I can hope for.... a new life, with many prayers behind it.
Sadly even telling people, even announcing it will never be carefree as it is for so many. It will never be easy or full of pure joy. There will always be a coating of worry, of absolute terrified worry. I will have to trust at that time, have faith that God's will is for my baby to live. That is all that I can do. Have faith and take care of myself and my pregnancy....when that time comes I will do just that.
I am so thankful for every single one of my readers. Thank you for your love. I read a ton of blogs and I don't always comment but trust me you all mean so very much to me! I leave you with these two songs by a band that I love.... Jars of Clay. Take a few minutes to listen to them. They are beautiful.
Well what can I say I am an emotional wreck today. I wish I wasn't, but I am. It all started with a simple voice message on my phone when I woke up. My surgery is Feb. 10th NOT in Jan. like my doctor told me it could be. I'm not happy about it but if the last year taught me anything it's that I have no freaking control over this aspect of my life AT ALL. And you know what? That really freaking makes me mad! I have learned now that when my doctor thinks something should be able to fit in a month I should just ASSUME it will not be until the following month. He obviously has no idea how booked he is or how many vacation days he takes (which all OF COURSE coincide with when I need a procedure).
When I needed my HSG it should have been in Oct. but he was on vacation, another doctor was on vacation, and the third on in the practice was booked. So the HSG was scheduled for the following month with one of the other docs in the practice because again he was on vacation. So I ask why this surgery can't be in Jan. and she tells me two Thurs. he is on vacation and the others are booked (I shouldn't have asked - hearing more 'vacations' after hearing the same thing since Sept. just made me mad). He is a great doctor mind you he has been very proactive with everything which I love and he has done TONS of septate uterus resections. But I wish he'd stop taking his freaking vacations when I need crap done! GRRR!
So now I have to wait out the next month to get this surgery done. I am NOT looking forward to it at all - specifically the recovery. I posted something in the group I am in on yahoo (with other women who have uterus abnormalities of different types) about the surgery. From the sounds of it the first week sucks. They put carbon dioxide into your body and when the surgery is over there is a build up of gar until the gar absorbs into your body - SO - your entire right side can be in a lot of pain - FUN wow - NOT! Well the doctors all tell you after a week you should be better but it sounds like that recovery time varies GREATLY. One women even said it took her a month to feel better! GEESH! So needless to say I am nervous and I wish I had LESS time to be nervous! Much less time! Oh well...
I just get so overwhelmed! I HATE having no control and I HATE not knowing how anything will go and I HATE that even in the far future if I get a positive pregnancy test I will STILL be worried that I will have a miscarriage. I hate that even if we could try again I would be judged because of job issues and money issues and people thinking we can't afford to have a child. I hate that in the future when I am pregnant again (God willing) that I will STILL worry that people will judge me because ya know what? We will probably not be financially stable for awhile but that isn't going to stop me from having a baby! And why should it? Why can't the people in my life believe that if God wants us to have a baby and He gives us a baby on this Earth then He will also help us PROVIDE for that baby. I wish those people would HAVE SOME FAITH IN THAT!!
I hate that I will literally have to wait until April or maybe even May (essentially half a year almost) to TTC again a whole freaking 9 MONTHS from when I lost Peyton to TTC again! Man that sucks. I mean I am happy that we found out I have a septum and that it can be fixed and all of that PLEASE realize that I am blessed to know this... but the fact that Riley's due date has passed and Riley's angel date with pass and Peyton's due date will all pass before we can try again - well it's just so sad.
When I was in high school I thought I would be married and have 2 kids by the time I was 30. Obviously not going to happen. I'll be 30 in July and if we can't TTC until April or May obviously no child is possible before I'm 30. So anyways when I got married right before turning 27 I was still thinking we would have one child before I was 30 (again obviously not going to happen). Now I just want to have a baby SO badly - I wish I could feel confident that when I was pregnant that I would definitely have a living child on this Earth. I'm glad I am not naive and that I's not one of those women that thinks that loss will never happen to them. I am glad I am not that but I still want a baby and waiting so long to even try is just so hard. Sure I'll get used to it - but just like getting used to grief - I don't have to LIKE it!
There are FAR too many people I know IRL who are pregnant! While I am happy for them and OF COURSE wish no ill will on them or their little ones I have decided that Facebook is evil and I want to kill statuses every time I see them. Needless to say those people are hidden from my wall so that the evil that is Facebook will not throw their baby updates in front of my sensitive eyes! Well I didn't hide one of these people until recently... she said (sorry if this friend reads my blog but this upset me) "So many people are pregnant" and how cool that was and that 5 of her friends from church were all pregnant and that there must be a baby bug in the air.... HA! Wasn't THAT fun to read! NOPE it sucked! I just have this selfish fear that everyone I know will be pregnant before I will be. I know it may sound mean to those that are not BLMs but to those that are...I think you get it. It's not that I wish sadness on others or loss I just want babies!
I don't have a whole lot of positivity in me at this hour but I will add what small bit of positivity I have bled out of today...
Not being able to TTC for awhile gives me time to lose weight and get my body healthier.
The surgery (even pushed later) is at a time where I will have time to recover before I throw my sister's wedding shower a month later.
Thank goodness I work in a day to day job of subbing right now - if I had a regular job I would be worried about recovery time and what not.
These lyrics hit me the other day... I have to realize that maybe my prayers NOT being answered are really the best...
Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers
Here's a link to a Youtube video of the song if you've never heard it: Unanswered Prayers
Also this made me smile - thanks to Trena for listing something from the site - it helped me find this I hope I someday have it in my house...it's not expensive - but money is tight these days.
I hope there is someone - whether it be angel, family, or friend that embraces my Riley & Peyton everyday for me!
If you read this whole post I love you and I thank you.....
Riley & Peyton I miss you an extra amount today... my heart is heavy from missing you. I think of you always and love you more than I can ever express... Love, Mommy
Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. - Isaiah 54:4
While I have a Cheers & Jeers ready to post very soon I felt the need for my 100th post to be more than my amusing (at least to me), happy, or angry views on our society. So I figured I would post some quotes that I have wrote down from movies, books, etc. and talk about life lately.
It's long but I hope that you will take the time to read it :)
For those new(er) to my blog - I have been writing since late August. A couple weeks after I lost our second child Peyton. Our first child, Riley, went to Heaven 2/11/10 and Peyton grew wings 8/19/10. My husband is wonderful and also devastated but I believe it is a very different type of loss for me. For any woman that has been through this. My blog has been my way of getting out my feelings. Honestly writing about my sadness, my loss, my feelings that most people in my life could never begin to understand. My blog was once networked on Facebook but I have since removed it - it's for me - not for others. Those that read it that I know in person I love you for reading this. Thank you. Those that read this in my BLM community - you mean the absolute world to me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is pretty calm... pretty uneventful. The way I like it lately. I don't want too much insanity. I have enough of that in my life... in my head. Enough worries. I miss my old worries. I miss that my biggest worries were finding a teaching job. Oh how nice it would be if that was my biggest worry. It's amazing how small those problems seem after the past year. Since February my life has been a blur. I feel like it has passed quickly - shocked that it's Christmas again and yet at the same time the past 10 months has seemed like a lifetime. A lifetime of sadness. I lifetime of anxiety. Worry. Heartbreak. LOSS.
Tomorrow I get my HSG (hysteropingogram) done. It's a surgery though my husband hates me calling that so we say procedure or test. It scares him to think of me getting another "surgery" - given I had two D & C's in 6 months. I tell him I don't like to think about it. It terrifies me that having those two surgeries could have damaged something and therefore made it harder or impossible to get pregnant. These are my fears among other things. I am taking place in a study where they mix a liquid in with the dye that will help my uterus to stay uninflamed and promote increased fertility. I'm all for increased fertility! I will know the results tomorrow right after the procedure - at least's that's what I was told so it better be true! After that I have an ultrasound appointment on Monday - who knows what they look for. No one told me. I finished the last of my fertility drugs today. And I have been taking Amoxicillin to ward off infection from the surgery tomorrow. Hopefully it will also take away my cold or whatever I have (that's what the doc put me on a month ago when I was sick). I will let you all know what the results are - I will be surprised if they find anything but knowing everything is okay will be good too.
Many of my BLMs who's blogs I read recently found out they are pregnant. I wish them all the very best. All I can do is hope and pray that I will be joining them soon. At the same time though the prospect of being pregnant down right terrifies me more than I can even begin to explain. I was worried the second time around but now I will be terrified. I know that God's will is His and He has my best interests at heart. I know that if it is meant to be, it will be. I also know that the devil is out there trying his best to plant doubt. To plan worry in my mind. It's really easy sometimes to feel down. To wonder why the h*ll this is happening to me. WHY ME? But you know what? I have no idea how MY journey is affecting others. Maybe if this hadn't happened to me I wouldn't have affected someone else positively or met someone I was supposed to meet (I feel that about many women in this community. For instance Jamie and Mary among MANY others!) You all mean so very much to me!
This clip isn't the greatest but when it was on the show it touched me - EVERY single time I watch this it makes me tear up. What it was supposed to be was a dance about addition the man being drugs and the woman being the one who is addicted. To me the man is my grief or even the devil and the woman is me. It's such a powerful dance. Check it out.
So if this test tomorrow shows nothing is wrong then basically they know nothing. Well I mean they know things they just don't have answers as to WHY I have had miscarriages. I have no blood disorders or other issues. They have tested me for a LOT of things! I'm "normal" - HA - I beg to differ - normal people don't have two miscarriages! I digress... after this it's just - get pregnant and then they can make sure my progestrone and folic acid and all that is okay. Also the specialist will put me on thyroid medicine because apparently my thyroid is underactive - that was the one thing they found from the blood tests.
I have begun to realize that at some point during the week I will read or watch something that involves baby loss. Someone on my last post told me not to watch those shows (the comment is not published) well you know what I REFUSE to rewrite my whole life because I lost my children. They meant the world to me and they STILL mean the world to me. But I know that if they could they would tell me not to lock myself in a box worried that something may make me sad. There is ALWAYS a chance that something will make me sad but I will not stop watching T.V. and reading books just because those situations MAY arise. That is not to say that I don't understand that some people don't want to watch medical shows and so on. To each their own. I can only handle so much of people telling me what I should and should not do. I don't write about it on here so that I can be told not to watch those shows. Emotions will always arise. Life will move on. I choose to write about it here so as not to be judged. If I were to talk to people in real life about things that bother me (for example the incident where my friend said she understood that I hated seeing pregnant women - she only hated it because she wants to get pregnant and she seriously thought that was the same as my reason for being upset) they wouldn't get it. Maybe some people who read this don't get it and that's fine too it's my way of coping.
Anyhow I am reading the book Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah (it's very good by the way) and one of the characters found out she was pregnant. The first thing I thought was oh no I hope it's going to be okay. Then I stopped reading for a second thinking about the fact that BEFORE I lost Riley & Peyton that never would have been my first reaction. Never would have come to mind actually. Now if I see someone pregnant in real life, on t.v., read about pregnancy in a book...the first thing I think is oh no I hope she doesn't lose the baby. Sure enough in the book she does. It's only a couple pages about it and then she's pregnant again and the baby is fine. If that had been the case for me I would have been 26 weeks along with Peyton right now. But that wasn't me. Here is a quote I liked from the book ...
Conversation:
friend - "I guess it's a blessing it happened early"
pregnant girls mom - "four months isn't early... people who haven't had a miscarriage always say that. It was what Bud said to me. Twice."
friend - "Thanks. Now I know what not to say. I just wish I knew what would help."
I read the book Charlie St. Cloud recently (I had a post where I put a bunch of quotes from the book) it was a very good book. So I went to redbox and rented the movie and honestly I was EXPECTING to be disappointed but other than the fact that the ages were off and the beginning was not the same as the book the movie was great! The writer, Ben Sherwood, was executive producer so I believe that ALWAYS helps a book to be portrayed better through film :) Anyways this is a part I loved from the movie - made me cry - A LOT.
Charlie: I miss you.
Sam: I'm okay Charlie. I'd give anything for you to see me. What I've become. But, no one ever gets to see what could have been.... it's beyond anything we could have imagined Charlie.
Charlie: I hurt as bad as the day you died.
Sam: You hurt because you're alive.
"You hurt because you're alive." - so very very true.I read in someone's blog today that she didn't know how she had tears left as her loss was a couple years ago and she thought she was doing better.... I commented that there will always be tears because the loss of a child will never NOT be sad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a way I sort of hoped that the doctor would find something wrong with me when they did all the testing. I'm the kinda girl that likes to have answers... reasons. If only life were that easy. If you know a reason at least you can try to PREVENT that from happening but if nothing is wrong there is nothing to prevent - it's maddening! Alas, I may not have a reason and I have to live with that and trust God through that.
I watching this lifetime movie today where the mother died from cancer and she said this quote below right before she passed away.
“Mothers never really say goodbye to their children that would be impossible. They say try to remember everything I taught you. They say don't cry because we'll see each other again. They say I will always be with you. They say I was so proud to have been your mother.”
- What Girls Learn (Lifetime movie network)
I agree that it is impossible to say goodbye to your children. I never taught my children anything but I'd like to think that they know their momma is a good Christian woman and that by living my life to the best of my abilities I am showing them that in some way. I know that I will see them again in Heaven and surely some of my BLMs & their little ones that I am sure are their friends. Mary mentioned once that she is sure our babies brought us together. That made me smile. Mary is the reason Riley & Peyton got names. Her story was my inspiration! They will always be with me, and I with them I hope. And I will ALWAYS be proud of them . They were so important to me and always will be!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are two poems I love.
"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
A Pair of Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lastly I came upon this song today - never heard it till today. Christmas Lights by Coldplay. This part really hit me:
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Down where the sea and city meet
May all your troubles soon be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Maybe they'll bring her back to me
Then all my troubles will be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on
If you read this whole post you are amazing and I thank you - please leave even a :) as a comment to let me know you read it - it would mean a lot :) :)
I was reading Angela's blog today (Little Bird) and she mentioned rejoining life. Some of us as BLMs take longer to do this than others. After the loss of Riley I still had a job and so rejoining life was less of an option and more of a necessity. There was no choice in the matter. Life was the only option. Living a normal life and going to work, grocery shopping, driving, having conversations, being around pregnant women. These were all things that I had to do. Well 3 months after that miscarriage I was laid off from my job. So when we lost Peyton I was also grieving Riley at the same time because rejoining life sort of made me not grieve the appropriate way. I adapted the world's look on miscarriage. I rarely ever talked about my first miscarriage. I sure didn't have a fabulous network of women to help me through it. Life overtook all that healing. So it became this scab or horrible scar that never went away. It was always there so when our sweet Peyton left us the wound just opened back up. It was all I could do to not scream.
I do not know to this day how I ever drove myself home from that appointment. I was alone when they told me Peyton was gone. There were NO issues. No bleeding, everything was fine. I THOUGHT everything was fine or I never would have gone alone. But I did. I saw the heartbeat three days before. So naive me - even after having one miscarriage already - never thought I would get bad news. How dumb of me. This has taught me that there will NEVER be a time that I will go to an appointment alone. NEVER. I remember crying for a very very long time. Through the tears I drove to my cousin's house and spoke to her before driving the rest of the way home. I saw her two beautiful children, hugged them and kissed them both, doing my best to not cry so her son wouldn't ask me what was wrong. I survived. I still don't know how. I probably never will.
When I was pregnant with Peyton I remember saying "I can't have another miscarriage, I don't think I could handle that, I couldn't do it!" - I try my best not to think that or say that again. I don't even want to imagine going through this a third time. Do I still think it? Of course. I am terrified that when I get pregnant again this will happen all over again. My doctor said that sometimes he puts people on supplements and all that does is prolong a pregnancy that was doomed. Well thanks for the vote of confidence! Can I get a glimpse at some positivity? Is that too much to ask? I know that God knows what is best. I know that if we are meant to have children we will and if I am meant to lose another child I will. I pray it will be the first and that there will be no more child loss. But I'm not crazy enough to think that I have any control over this at all.
I had a pregnant high school girl in my first and last period when I subbed on Thursday and Friday. It was like the universe was punching me in the face! I was like REALLY I need this? I didn't need that. I had heard her in the hallway the first day say "I'm due in February!" and I was like geez good for you... and then OF COURSE she's in my classes! Now all I need is a drug addict that's pregnant and I'll feel even better. It's ridiculous that people who treat there bodies awful, are very young, and a million other things get to have kids with no issues and I lose both my children. I don't wish this on other people but it just seems for some it is SO hard and others it's a piece of cake. GRRR
OH I forgot to mention I got AF on Thursday so my surgery (hysteropingogram) is on Friday. Tomorrow I start taking my Femara (fertility drug) and Wednesday I start taking Amoxicyllin (to ward off infection that the procedure can possibly cause) apparently all I get for medication for this is the choice to take some motrin. I was like oh geez like that will do anything.... So I'm not looking forward to it. But at least it will be over and we can TTC again! If I get pregnant this cycle (both other times were right away - the first was a surprise the second was the first time we tried) then the due date would be very similar to Riley's due date. Honestly I think it will be hard no matter what. I think I will be terrified no matter what - so I welcome any pregnancy with open arms and a wide open heart!
Today is my first major attempt at rejoining life. I am going out with some friends for a bachelorette party. My friend (who is also my landlord who lives below us) is getting married next weekend. I am sure tonight will be a blast - I got 12 hours of sleep in preparation for being out till the wee hours of the morning. I am shocked to say I am actually looking forward to it. Well, except the fact that I have been told I must wear a dress. This I do not look forward to. I mean I love the dress I am wearing. My mom made it for me. But these are 5 or 6 incredibly skinny girls and I feel if any pictures are taken tonight that it will end up looking like the Sesame Street "which does not belong" - I will be the orange amongst all the apples.
Well I JUST received a text that my one friend is not wearing a dress so I no longer HAVE to wear one however the Sesame Street analogy still applies.... they are still skinny and I am still not skinny. There is no way THAT is going to change before tonight. Either way I am doing a "normal" activity, I don't think I could handle a baby shower any time soon but bachelorette I can - I am happily married so this is not a sore spot for me like babies are. I have high hopes it will be fun! (I'll let you know if I'm right!) It will surely be a night filled with most likely NO talk about my baby loss and THAT I am not great at. So we shall see how it goes....
With that I have received an award from Trena at Free to Fly a sweet sweet momma who I met through Heaven's Doves after creating a dove photo for her sweet twins Bryston & Colton.
The rules of this award are:
1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award
I could not do only 5 but I didn't want to overload so I chose only 10 which was very hard! If you see yourself in my blog roll to the right OR if I have ever commented on your blog then please know I read and you all touch my heart - you all help me so much! I grieve my two babies so much but I am so glad that I have you all through this sadness.
Thank you to each and every one of you for the way you have touched my life and the way you have helped me realize that I am not alone in my loss, that we can all be there for each other.
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss & have made their way out of the depths ... Beautiful people do not just happen" --Elizabeth Kublar Ross
"A person's a person no matter how small." - Dr. Seuss
Riley & Peyton momma loves you so very much! I wear the jewelry I have for you every day. I carry you with me always.
For those that read this that know me in real life I apologize for the over share....
But for once in a really long time I want dumb AF to start already!!!!!!!!!!! It should have started on or around Friday! GRRRR - it needs to come so I can schedule my Hystersopingogram (they shoot dye into my uterus to see if there are any issues such as a septum that can be removed, etc.) and then if all is well we can TTC again! So SERIOUSLY let's get a move on AF - I know I will feel like crap and want to crawl into a ball with a heating pad when it does come but I need it to come NOW.
AHHHHHHH! For once AF being late is NOT fun! Honestly we have been trying NOT to get pregnant until this surgery so it's pretty impossible that I am pregnant - I mean I know that all protection is not perfect - but you get what I mean it would be pretty darn shocking if I was PG. Soooo again I say AF ---- LET'S GO!
On a completely different note - I am subbing the next two days for SECOND GRADE! ahhhhhhhh - I love little kids - trust me - but 30 of them in one room that cannot keep themselves busy mixed with not the greatest lesson plans can be SO not fun. I am doing this for two different teachers - so the chances of having at least one day not be well planned by the teacher is quite possible. Here's hoping it all goes well. Friday I am a high school art teacher and I KNOW the teacher so I am positive that will be very well planned :)
Also my husband has STILL not heard whether he got the job he interviewed for or not. It was through a recruiter so if the recruiter knew anything she would tell him so 2 weeks later he still has no idea! If he DOES get it this also adds more urgency to AF coming because I need to get this surgery while we still have insurance!
Sooooo the main point is LETS! GO! AF! S E R I O U S L Y !!!!!
I am a mother of three angels Riley (2/11/10) Peyton (8/19/10) Cameron (10/14/11) who are waiting for me in Heaven. I am also a mother to Logan - born 4/29/12 - my rainbow baby (Cameron's twin) and Lucas (7/13/14) my second rainbow baby. I am a SAHM, sell Younique, and own a small business doing paint nights :)
