Well what can I say I am an emotional wreck today. I wish I wasn't, but I am. It all started with a simple voice message on my phone when I woke up. My surgery is Feb. 10th NOT in Jan. like my doctor told me it could be. I'm not happy about it but if the last year taught me anything it's that I have no freaking control over this aspect of my life AT ALL. And you know what? That really freaking makes me mad! I have learned now that when my doctor thinks something should be able to fit in a month I should just ASSUME it will not be until the following month. He obviously has no idea how booked he is or how many vacation days he takes (which all OF COURSE coincide with when I need a procedure).
When I needed my HSG it should have been in Oct. but he was on vacation, another doctor was on vacation, and the third on in the practice was booked. So the HSG was scheduled for the following month with one of the other docs in the practice because again he was on vacation. So I ask why this surgery can't be in Jan. and she tells me two Thurs. he is on vacation and the others are booked (I shouldn't have asked - hearing more 'vacations' after hearing the same thing since Sept. just made me mad). He is a great doctor mind you he has been very proactive with everything which I love and he has done TONS of septate uterus resections. But I wish he'd stop taking his freaking vacations when I need crap done! GRRR!
So now I have to wait out the next month to get this surgery done. I am NOT looking forward to it at all - specifically the recovery. I posted something in the group I am in on yahoo (with other women who have uterus abnormalities of different types) about the surgery. From the sounds of it the first week sucks. They put carbon dioxide into your body and when the surgery is over there is a build up of gar until the gar absorbs into your body - SO - your entire right side can be in a lot of pain - FUN wow - NOT! Well the doctors all tell you after a week you should be better but it sounds like that recovery time varies GREATLY. One women even said it took her a month to feel better! GEESH! So needless to say I am nervous and I wish I had LESS time to be nervous! Much less time! Oh well...
I just get so overwhelmed! I HATE having no control and I HATE not knowing how anything will go and I HATE that even in the far future if I get a positive pregnancy test I will STILL be worried that I will have a miscarriage. I hate that even if we could try again I would be judged because of job issues and money issues and people thinking we can't afford to have a child. I hate that in the future when I am pregnant again (God willing) that I will STILL worry that people will judge me because ya know what? We will probably not be financially stable for awhile but that isn't going to stop me from having a baby! And why should it? Why can't the people in my life believe that if God wants us to have a baby and He gives us a baby on this Earth then He will also help us PROVIDE for that baby. I wish those people would HAVE SOME FAITH IN THAT!!
I hate that I will literally have to wait until April or maybe even May (essentially half a year almost) to TTC again a whole freaking 9 MONTHS from when I lost Peyton to TTC again! Man that sucks. I mean I am happy that we found out I have a septum and that it can be fixed and all of that PLEASE realize that I am blessed to know this... but the fact that Riley's due date has passed and Riley's angel date with pass and Peyton's due date will all pass before we can try again - well it's just so sad.
When I was in high school I thought I would be married and have 2 kids by the time I was 30. Obviously not going to happen. I'll be 30 in July and if we can't TTC until April or May obviously no child is possible before I'm 30. So anyways when I got married right before turning 27 I was still thinking we would have one child before I was 30 (again obviously not going to happen). Now I just want to have a baby SO badly - I wish I could feel confident that when I was pregnant that I would definitely have a living child on this Earth. I'm glad I am not naive and that I's not one of those women that thinks that loss will never happen to them. I am glad I am not that but I still want a baby and waiting so long to even try is just so hard. Sure I'll get used to it - but just like getting used to grief - I don't have to LIKE it!
There are FAR too many people I know IRL who are pregnant! While I am happy for them and OF COURSE wish no ill will on them or their little ones I have decided that Facebook is evil and I want to kill statuses every time I see them. Needless to say those people are hidden from my wall so that the evil that is Facebook will not throw their baby updates in front of my sensitive eyes! Well I didn't hide one of these people until recently... she said (sorry if this friend reads my blog but this upset me) "So many people are pregnant" and how cool that was and that 5 of her friends from church were all pregnant and that there must be a baby bug in the air.... HA! Wasn't THAT fun to read! NOPE it sucked! I just have this selfish fear that everyone I know will be pregnant before I will be. I know it may sound mean to those that are not BLMs but to those that are...I think you get it. It's not that I wish sadness on others or loss I just want babies!
I don't have a whole lot of positivity in me at this hour but I will add what small bit of positivity I have bled out of today...
Not being able to TTC for awhile gives me time to lose weight and get my body healthier.
The surgery (even pushed later) is at a time where I will have time to recover before I throw my sister's wedding shower a month later.
Thank goodness I work in a day to day job of subbing right now - if I had a regular job I would be worried about recovery time and what not.
These lyrics hit me the other day... I have to realize that maybe my prayers NOT being answered are really the best...
Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he
doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers
Here's a link to a Youtube video of the song if you've never heard it:
Unanswered Prayers
Also this made me smile - thanks to Trena for listing something from the site - it helped me find
this I hope I someday have it in my house...it's not expensive - but money is tight these days.
I hope there is someone - whether it be angel, family, or friend that embraces my Riley & Peyton everyday for me!
If you read this whole post I love you and I thank you.....
Riley & Peyton I miss you an extra amount today... my heart is heavy from missing you. I think of you always and love you more than I can ever express... Love, Mommy
Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. -
Isaiah 54:4
