Right where I am 2012: 2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, etc....

Angie at Still Life with Circles started started a project called  Right Where I Am - where babyloss parents can share about their grief journey at this point in that walk... it's beautiful and I thank her for creating it so that I may be a part of it and read of others who participate as well. This is my post from last year.

2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks (since we lost Riley)
1 year, 9 months, 5 days (since we lost Peyton)
7 months, 1 week, 3 days (since we lost Cameron)

My grief journey has changed since my post a year ago for this project. In a way I grieve more, but certainly differently. My rainbow baby, Logan Charles, was born on April 29, 2012. He is a pure blessing and a miracle! I will never be able to explain in words how much he means to me. The pregnancy was originally twins but sadly as you can see from above we lost Cameron (somewhere between 10-14 weeks into the pregnancy). That is where my grief journey really took a turn because I was devastated that day beyond words. I had felt like we were being doubly blessed after losing our first two children. That twins were a sign that all would be well, etc. At 7 weeks along when we saw both heartbeats I truly thought all would continue to be well throughout the pregnancy. 7 weeks later that all just crashed and burned. When they did the ultrasound I did not see two babies like I should have.... I knew something was wrong. The tech showed us little baby b (Cameron) who was only now measuring 7 weeks even at the 14 week appt. and of course had no heartbeat. Baby b (Cameron) was gone. My husband and I were bawling at this point and I just needed to know how the other baby was doing. After what seemed like an eternity (but in reality was only seconds I'm sure) she showed us Logan's heartbeat. She went on to tell us he was measuring well and looked perfectly healthy.

That day was quite the turn in my journey. My husband was very upset and couldn't understand why I wasn't MORE upset than I was. I had cried quite a bit of course but I KNEW that I had to keep it together and to not over stress my body and cause harm to my sweet baby a (Logan). I distinctly remember feeling badly that I was not grieving Cameron in the same way that I had grieved Riley and Peyton. Did this make me a bad mom? But I soon realized of course it didn't.... my instinct took over and I KNEW that I had to handle this grief in a different manner, I am a VERY emotional person and I knew it could cause harm to my pregnancy if I was to get too upset over the loss of Cameron. My husband understood this in the end of course and throughout the pregnancy we were terrified that something bad was going to happen. Ultrasounds will ALWAYS be a scary thing for us because other than literally TWO ultrasounds (both with my last pregnancy after losing Cameron) there has always been a loss.... my husband hates ultrasounds and they terrify me as well. We feel we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don't want to blabber on as I did last year (I make no promises but I don't WANT to blabber lol)....


A month before finding out I was pregnant last year I lost my Nana. She was an extremely important person in my life and always will be. I am happy that she is watching my babies in Heaven but as with all losses I selfishly wish she were here to hold and love Logan. My Papa is visiting on Saturday and when mentioning that to my husband I said " Nana and Papa....." and I just started crying..... I still feel like she's here sometimes and I cry as I write this because the loss (as with my babies) just seems like it will always be so new, so fresh, so unbearably raw. Other than my babies she is the greatest loss I have ever dealt with... throughout my pregnancy I would have dreams of her and just cry when I woke up knowing she wouldn't be here to meet Logan. I think I may always cry when I think of her and my babies.... and that's okay...

I am an emotional person... always have been, always will be and that is something I will never apologize for... I am not ashamed of it is any way. I know your body is weighed down with hormones during and after pregnancy but I think Logan has just brought on a whole wealth of new emotions to me. I am a mommy. I have been for two years but now I am a mommy to the WORLD. They can see that. I had my first Mother's Day where I was acknowledged as a mother. Having a living child in my life has, in a way, made my grief more acute. Looking at him makes me realize how precious and perfect my little ones in Heaven must be, makes me realize all that I lost. Makes it more real in a way, though I can't really explain what I mean by that. I cry more often then I used to. Not the baby blues or anything like that. Sometimes I cry happy tears because I feel soooo blessed to just have a baby to love and snuggle and hold in my arms... just looking at him can make me cry tears of joy. Other times I cry because I don't want people to think that he healed my heart completely and that Riley, Peyton, and Cameron are not important to me.... they ALWAYS will be. Sometimes I cry because, well, I'm an overwhelmed and tired mommy (as I'm sure all moms do at times). Basically at this point (we'll see if the hormones are to blame in time) I cry more for my losses, for the gift and blessing of my rainbow baby, for my Nana..... I will not apologize. I am a babyloss mommy and a rainbow mommy. I love all my children equally even though I can't love them all here on Earth in my arms...

Bless you all for reading this... I pray that your journey of grief be as peaceful as possible....

My tattoo for my babies...I sadly have to add Cameron to it still...

Riley, Peyton, Cameron,

Mommy and daddy love you so very much. We will tell your brother all about you! Watch over him and send us peace, love, and many hugs and kisses every day. Give Nana a big hug for mommy. We love you all dearly...

www.heavensdoves.blogspot.com

Ultrasound: Good and bad news

We had our ultrasound yesterday morning around 8:45am EST. As soon as the tech started the ultrasound I knew something was wrong. I could not see two babies. I was right. Baby B is no longer with us (he/she probably passed away 2-3 weeks ago) and we are devastated. My heart practically stopped for a minute until she showed us the heartbeat of Baby A. Then, through my tears, I started to breathe again. How do you handle such a thing? How does someone get through something so tragic that is followed by something so joyful with seconds? I still don't know. I handle it because I have to not because I want to. I would never choose to go through this nor would I wish it upon my worst enemy. I now have three angels. My mom says my Nana is loving it up in Heaven right now caring for all my little ones. I'm sure she's right.

My dream of having two babies in my arms in April have been crushed. I still do have strong faith and hope for our other little healthy tater tot. He/she is measuring ahead 12 weeks 6 days/ 13 weeks and I was 12 weeks 4 days at the ultrasound. So that is GREAT news.

We saw our little one moving around. We saw tater tot's hands, feet, and brain. For the first time ever we heard one of our babies' heartbeats. What a beautiful sound. They said that this happens very often and that there is no need to worry about Baby A and my body will just absorb Baby B and the loss will never negatively effect the other child. This was reassuring to know. There were many tears from both me and my husband during that ultrasound. Much grief intertwined with much joy. My mother came in halfway through the ultrasound (after we knew of the loss - though of course I told her about it) and we all got a good laugh when our little one made the strong arm position like he/she was flexing their muscles ;) That was great (see pics below).

We will be able to find the sex out on Dec. 2nd at the specialist (the ultrasound is technically to check for birth defects). But if my regular doc can get me in sooner (I was hoping to know by Thanksgiving) then I will gladly take him up on that! The specialist informed us that we went from a very high risk pregnancy to what should be a rather boring one. Through all her kind words all I could think was I was ready for the high risk. But apparently two babies were not meant to be. I thank God for the one still growing inside me.

Terrifying to think of future pregnancies (I know I'm getting a bit ahead of myself). My husband said, "Well technically isn't this your first "normal" miscarriage (as my other ones were attributed to my septum)?". I said, "Yes I just hope that it's the last one, I don't want to go through loss every time I am pregnant." I hope it is my last loss. All I can do is hope and pray though. Only God knows what will happen.

On another note:
Today I had a friend tell me that I should "be ready for anything" and "hope that 'anything' doesn't happen"... Are things like this supposed to make me feel better? THEY DON'T! Honestly they piss me off. The friend continued to say "Don't dwell on it". REALLY!?! I'm sorry is my grieving my child really upsetting YOUR life so much? It happened less than 48 hours ago and I'm DWELLING on it? I don't dwell. I grieve in a perfectly freaking healthy manner. Anyone who doesn't think so can take a flying leap OUT of my life. People should not presume to KNOW what I am going through when they have never lost a child. I don't need your judgment I have enough problems....

I guess Gabby (my cat) was still laying with me because. well... there was still a baby. Just not two any longer... she laid with me again today. Such a sweet cat (at least when I'm pregnant LOL).

We had plans yesterday to celebrate. After the visit we discussed whether those plans should continue or if we should just go home. We decided that none of our angels would want us not to celebrate their brother/sister.... so we still carried on with our plans. We went to the movies and out to eat. Tears were mixed throughout the day but it was a nice time considering the circumstances.

Our little one was moving around...

I'm pretty sure that's the heart you can see :)

Tater tot's face :) (slightly halloween-esque lol)

Baby brain and sweet arm and profile!!

Brains again! ;)

On the move again...

STRONG ARM!  Flexing and telling us he/she is okay!

Riley, Peyton, Baby B, 
I love you all and miss each of you terribly. Please be there for each other since I can't be there with you. Spend lots of time with your Nana because I know how much she wanted more grandchildren and she will be thrilled to have the three of you with her. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you so very much <3

What it's like to be me....

First off I want to start this by saying I am 12 weeks and 2 days along with my twins today and as far as I know all is going well. I have finished all 4 seasons of Felicity and need a new series to watch (suggestions appreciated)! On Friday I go to my specialist for a consult and an ultrasound where I can finally gain some actual peace of mind that all is well officially. Please realize this post is NOT me being depressed it is imply explaining what is like to be a BLM (or at least what it is like for ME as a BLM).

Don't judge me for discussing my grief. If you have never gone through the loss of a child you have no right to tell me that blogging about it is unhealthy. This helps me people judging me does not. If you DON'T plan to judge then feel free to read on, if you are judgmental then please stop reading this and my blog in general.....

For those stumbling upon this blog who may not know my story here is a shortened version....
My first pregnancy was care free until it ended abruptly at 7 weeks (2/11/10) after telling everyone we knew but before we ever saw a doctor. The first sonogram I ever got showed my dead baby. Riley was gone. That was the day my life changed. Forever. Six months later 10 weeks into my second pregnancy (8/19/11) I lost my Peyton. This was after a couple positive ultrasounds and a mere 3 days after seeing the heartbeat for the 3rd time. Almost a year after losing Riley I had surgery to remove a septum in my uterus that was the most likely cause for both my losses as my case was very severe. This is a condition 1 in 1,000-2,000 women are born with but most often do not find out until they have had miscarriages.

Being a BLM is not easy and becoming pregnant doesn't make it easier. I am, of course, THRILLED to be pregnant with twins but it is a scary, scary thing for me. The naivety most women have during pregnancy is now long gone. My first rainbow baby (a baby born after the loss of a child) did not survive and I worry about my twin rainbows.

For this entire pregnancy when I go to the bathroom (sorry for the TMI) I check for spotting. I worry every time that I will be spotting.

I worry about eating - I make sure I don't eat anything that is possibly unsafe for my babies. Many woman probably don't even worry about this but there are MANY things you are told to be careful of... to name just a few: creamy dressings (caesar, ranch, honey mustard,etc.) from restaurants, deli meat, unpasturized soft cheeses such as feta and bleu cheese, unpasturized apple cider, fish/seafood that is high in mercury... and like I said that is just a few items.

I worry that my babies are okay. It has been 5 weeks since my last ultrasound and while my prenatal visit went well it also went well with Peyton but Peyton was gone. That terrifies me. My doctor doesn't use a fetal doppler in the office because it is two hard to tell if you are hearing both heartbeats so without an ultrasound I don't have any definite proof that all is well.

I have normal worries too. I worry about finances and having everything we will need to take care of our babies. I worry about questions people will ask me when it is obvious I am pregnant (and not just plump).

You never realize how daunting some simple questions can break a BLMs heart. I NEVER would have thought that "Do you have any other children?" or "Is this your first?" could be so painful. Now I know different.

Until Friday I have my cat to make me feel all is well. She lays with me and for the past 3 years she ONLY has laid with me when I was pregnant. So she reassures me, which I greatly appreciate :)

So for those who read through this... thank you... and for those that are not BLMs remember to not judge those who have been through situations that you do not understand. And remember when you are encountered by someone who may not be all that friendly that you never know what that person is going through. Kindness, empathy, and a SIMPLE "I'm sorry" can go a long way in all situations.

This song is "Again" by Flyleaf - I saw them in concert for the 3rd time a couple days after losing Riley... this song and the lyrics below it - brought me to tears...



They don't have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still
Be still
Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees
Trying to find air to breathe
Right where I want you to be again
I love you please see and believe again



Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you so very much. I miss you so much right now. Hug Nana for me.

Operation "Boring as hell"

So folks I am now 11 weeks 1 day along :)

In case you don't remember my doctor said "bed rest, bed rest, bed rest." To be more specific he said that my life should be "boring as hell". I admit I am not treating it as strict bed rest. I sit up at the computer. I went out to a movie and dinner with my husband. But for the most part I admit my life is certainly on line with doctor's orders: "boring as hell".

Now I must say I am VERY used to this boring life. I have been unemployed since last May so needless to say I am VERY used to sitting around and not doing much. I have decided that in my complete maternity boredom I will start watching seasons of shows. I tried Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares but I mean that is not the type of show I can handle watching episodes and episodes in a row of.... it's a whole lot of British people saying the F word far to many times LOL at least it was the first episode I watched (and most people who use the F word continuously ALWAYS do). So I was checking out Netflix and I saw FELICITY! I used to LOVE that show! So I watched the pilot and couldn't remember a lot of it (I mean it has been over 9 years since that show ended).... so I decided hey if I have to sit around all the time why not relive my high school/college love of Felicity!! :) So I watched 10 episodes yesterday - YIKES I know! 75 more to go LOL ;) but I got nothing but time!

So I am still quite annoyed that I didn't get that ultrasound but I'm starting to get over it. I don't really have much of a choice. Currently the only thing I have that makes me feel like my tater tots are okay is Gabby laying near my belly. Weird but true.  My first trimester screening is Oct. 14th with my perinatologist I have a maternal/fetal consult and an ultrasound. So that is what I have to look forward to, that is my next milestone appoinment to make it to. For now I have Operation "boring as hell" and for the next however many days: Felicity ;)

Riley & Peyton mommy and daddy love you. I miss you and I feel like you're with me when Gabby cuddles my belly. Is that your way of showing me you're watching over us? If so... thank you.

No ultrasound :(

Well my doctor didn't order an ultrasound. I'm not happy but what can I do ya know? I really do like my doctor and he has delivered MANY twins so that makes me feel good I just wish he could have done even an unofficial ultrasound. UGH!

I am 10w4d today - I found out we lost Peyton at 10w3d - which was when my appt. was yesterday! SO I mean come on? How can he tell me not to be worried? DUH! Of course I am worried. I am in NO way stressed to the point where I could be causing issue to my babies but STILL I'm worried. What do they expect!

GEESH! Well anyways I AM going to the specialist (who deals with multiples) in 2 weeks unless my doc gets me a sooner appt.... but I'm not holding my breath!

Until then he said my life should be "boring as hell" so I guess I won't be working. Fine by me I just hope financially we will be okay.

I'll feel MUCH better once I get my next ultrasound! I mean it'll be nice when I get to the point where I feel movement but until then I'll be a bit on the edge of my seat. Who can blame me?

Anyways....keep me in your prayers!


Riley & Peyton mommy loves you - please bring me peace and watch over your siblings. Please know that mommy and daddy both love you so very much!

What's the deal with Cartoon movies! GEESH!

First off I have come to the realization that I am not going to be able to do nearly as much as I think I can anymore. At least not until (HOPEFULLY) the 2nd trimester when I (again HOPEFULLY) gain my energy back - at least SOMEWHAT anyways!

I realized yesterday - after feeling remotely better with my morning sickness - that even when I feel better I get run down pretty quick. So I had to make something. Then lay down for a bit. Do some dishes. Then lay down for a bit. Etc., etc., etc....

I do have a severe need to paint and I hope I can figure out something that I want to paint soon. I know that as soon as I know the genders of the babies I will get into mass painting mode (don't worry we're talking acrylic paint not fume filled paint!!) once I can pick out a theme. I'm hoping it's boy and girl and there will be a "jungle" or "animal" type theme :) They will of course have hand painted letters that spell out each of their names :) :) <3 Onto the cartoons LOL..... I'm an emotional nutcase! I have been watching Disney movies and cartoon movies! Sleeping Beauty was safe. Then I watched Dumbo... Oh goodness me. And after that Charlotte's Web... You can check out the clips that LITERALLY had me bawling my eyes out below.... Oh my my my is my husband in for a fun emotional roller coaster with this pregnant wife of his LOL ;)

UGH.....

Well folks - it seems this momma spoke too soon about not having morning sickness! : (

YUCK! Starting yesterday all went down hill. Now I haven't been throwing up or anything but still just a very horrible amount of feeling AWFUL! Nauseous, light headed if I'm walking around too much, yuck, yuck, yuck. I hope since it has started late it doesn't mean that I will be stuck with this into the 2nd trimester.

I'm trying really hard to drink water. I didn't drink enough water yesterday so maybe that is adding to my general feeling of crappiness. Who knows? I shall do my best to drink more. Can't keep up with anything though. Tons of dishes to do. And of course since I don't feel well enough to do anything I WANT to do things. Figures.

There can be days where I want to just watch TV even though I feel fine but as soon as I HAVE to lay down I don't want to. Here's hoping our tater tots aren't as annoying as their mommy LOL ;) At the very least I am still eating plenty and not throwing up (thank goodness)! I have been watching episode after episode of American Picker on Netflix after finishing up 3 seasons of Pawn Stars on Netflix last week. Thanks to my dear friend Melissa got me into Pawn Stars and I just LOVE it! Luckily I have my news regular season TV shows starting this week so that will give me something to do if I continue to feel sick. I watch incredibly too much tv and I love it so I figure I better enjoy it this season because it may be my last season for watching many of these shows. Sad to lose them but happy to give them up for my tater tots :)

Well, I'm alive over here. Far too hot - even though it's only like 70 degrees outside (but I am ALWAYS hot)! Slept with the air on in the bedroom last night which helped and I've had it on in the living room today which helped too. Weird? Sure! But who care - it makes me feel better! Well... hot, nauseous, light headed.... but alive! I figure feeling like crap usually means all is good so my tots are worth the yuck! Thank goodness you don't get morning sickness AFTER the babies are born LOL that would not go well.

Tonight my new show "Up All Night" is on - I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone with children. I don't have any on Earth yet but I feel the stuff I am laughing at now may make me cry next year LOL ;) !!! Nonetheless it's fun to watch! ;)

Riley & Peyton we love you so very much. I feel you with me every day my sweet angels. Give Nana big hugs and kisses for me every single day. I know she must be so excited that I am having twins. She would have been thrilled if she were still here but I am glad that she is happy, pain free, and with both of you. It brings peace to my heart even through my tears. Always be there for each other and watch over us. We miss you!

9 weeks

Soooo if you missed my last post check it out before reading this one ;)

Today I am 9 weeks with my rainbows. I called to ask if I needed to be referred to a specialist to go and they informed that I need a script from my doctor. So I called my OBGYN's office and luckily spoke to a lovely women. I informed her that I am pregnant with twins and I really want to be referred to a specialist because I have had two D&Cs and I want to make sure I have plenty of people keeping track of everything such as incompetent cervix, etc. She informed me that Dr. C will certainly keep close attention to my pregnancy and that I will "be sick of them" because I will see them so much. I laughed and told her I would LOVE to be sick of them! 

She was also awesome and set up my doctor's appt. when previously all I had set up was a nurse's visit. Which is just boring blah blah and what not - nothing fun happens at those visits! So now I see the nurse in a week (9/26) and the doctor on 9/29 for a regular checkup and I am seriously hoping an ultrasound given it will have been like a month since I had one and I am super anxious! I am going to TRY to call tomorrow and see if there is any way that both appts. can be on the same day though I am not that hopeful they will do that. 

We shall see! 

Either way all is well. I haven't really had morning sickness at all. I have days when I am so incredibly tired I feel ill but that's about it. As long as I drink plenty of water and eat enough I generally feel okay other than the complete and total lack of energy. I have a tendency to sleep 8-10 hours a night (waking up about 5 times to pee UGH). When I get up I take my thyroid meds and have to eat within 30-60 mins. then after being up for about 5 hours I feel exhausted LOL and that's without doing anything! Today I went grocery shopping so I was exhausted in about 3 hours ;) here's hoping the second trimester I gain some energy!

SOoooo all is well everyone and I hope to update with a new ultrasound late next week! :) Finger crossed and prayers sent up daily. I figure my total lack of energy and general slothiness means all is well hehe!

Also super cute thing - my cat has become VERY lovey dovey lately LOL she wants to lay with me ALL the time - before she could care less. The last time she laid with me was when I was pregnant with Peyton. My Gabby cat is a baby lover! <3 SUPER cute I'll have to post a pic soon <3

Also.... note to self - stop watching sad movies back to back my nose is stuffed up enough from being pregnant but bawling my eyes out certainly makes it worse! I watched Up Close & Personal and Marvin's Room last night - both had me bawling by the end - geesh! I mean I ALWAYS cry at movies like that but when I'm pregnant I have a hard time STOPPING crying! I still remember when I watched Lovely Bones! I cried for 30 minutes after the movie was OVER! At the time I didn't know I was pregnant with Riley LOL! That made it make a BIT more sense ;)

So yea, exhausted, over emotional, hungry all the time, somewhat crampy (with my uterus working overtime LOL), and needing to pee all the time.... that pretty much sums it all up! ;)

Many thanks for all the LOVELY comments on my last post! You are all so wonderful and supportive and I can't thank you enough! <3 

Riley & Peyton I love you so very much and daddy and I talk about you all the time :) We miss you!

 

Big news and a lovely surprise! (triggers)

So I was totally bummed when I didn't get pregnant in July but given the fact that I fell and hurt myself and the stress of my Nana's sudden death and all I figured God knew that wasn't the time. After thinking of all the stress my body was in that month I was happy that I didn't end up being pregnant. In hindsight it was a blessing really.

So on to August. I knew I ovulated at the beginning of the month so the first day that I may have missed my period I was like ehhh I'll test (I'm VERY impatient) LOL AND I blogged about the dream I had HERE.

Given the dream and all I just thought August might be our month. So that first test wasn't positive but when I looked at it hours later there was a slight line (same thing happened when I was pg with Riley). SO the next day i took another one and the line was a bit darker (see below)!

For those that are Facebook friends with me - SHHHHHH!!!!

So YEAA! I was thrilled! I already had a blood test (in case this happened) and I called my doctor's office to have them fax one to the hospital so I could get another test done two days later. I waited for the results and the next day they told me my levels were good (493) and two days later on Peyton's due date I found out that the levels doubled!!

So they scheduled an early ultrasound for 9/22 - so we could make sure the gestational sacs were within my uterus and all looked well. And it did - all looked well (check out the pick below).

TWINS!!!

So we prepared ourselves and got crazy excited (a little overwhelmed for a day or two LOL) and we went on our planned road trip to see Nate's family. I DO NOT suggest road trips of thousands of miles within 4 days when pregnant and in need of the bathroom ALL the time! UGH! Not fun! BUT.... the trip itself was fun (outside the car) and we were psyched to be able to share the news in person :)

This past Friday we got to go back and see the heartbeats!!

In this photo you can see baby b's yolk sac really well :) Though baby a's gestational sac takes over most of the picture ;)

 

Here you can see again baby b likes to hide a bit - as he/she did with the first ultrasound for a while LOL
Baby a's sac is larger but both were doing great! Baby a measured right on track and had a heartbeat of 150 and baby b was behind a few days (which they say is nothing to worry about with twins) and had a heartbeat of 129.

They are fraternal (two separate sacs) and they each have an angel sibling watching over them! Or they each have both watching over them (however you want to look at it!)! :)

We are beyond thrilled to be expecting twins! I couldn't be more excited! I have decided to tell friends and family because I don't believe in jinxing and I truly feel very hopeful and calm about this pregnancy. God has brought peace to my heart and mind and I believe that while this pregnancy may not be easy, all will go well!

Remember: For those that are friends with me on Facebook: SHHHH! I am telling people but not all my acquaintances on FB yet! ;)

YEA for my tater tots (our affectionate name for them until we know the sexes LOL)

I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him" - 1 Samuel 1:27

I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart. - Jeremiah 1:5

Riley and Peyton mommy and daddy love you so much. Love each other and hug Nana for me! Watch out for your baby brother/sister(s) on Earth and keep bringing mommy peace. :) We will never, ever forget you.

NOTE: For those that this post may have bothered I totally understand if you don't wish to continue to read my blog. I plan to keep my blog the same and will discuss this pregnancy and my losses simultaneously so I understand if some can not handle that. For me my loss and my current pregnancy are intertwined - so they will stay that way on this blog. Thank you for understanding!