Nightmares vs. Reality

I had a HORRENDOUS nightmare last night - well really it was this morning but you get the idea.

None of the dream was logical at all but of course - as dreams always do - it totally seemed real. I was working with a bunch of people I know setting up a banquet or a restaurant or something - no clue. Then someone tells me there is a message for me so I go in the kitchen and a friend tells me that they are sorry. And I knew immediately that they meant about my baby. They said that the doctor called and that the baby was gone (I say baby because they didn't specifically say Logan). Then someone asked if there was a candle they could light to remember him... I just stared in shock with my mouth open and then literally fell to the ground bawling and screaming. I was just laying on the ground screaming and crying my eyes out and yelling "WHY GOD! 25 WEEKS! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!"

And then I woke up - crying - it was AWFUL! My husband was sleeping so I got up and went to the bathroom and just sat in there and cried for a few minutes and kept telling myself "It was only a dream my baby boy is okay!" Then I went and got the fetal doppler and checked for his heartbeat. At first I couldn't find it and I was just crying and then I found it right above my belly button and I just kept crying and saying "thank you thank you thank you I love you baby Logan". Man it was an awful nightmare but I was soooo relieved to hear his heartbeat.

I went back in the bedroom and gently woke my husband up and said I needed a hug. And he was worried and asked if everything was okay and I said yes Logan is fine but I had an awful nightmare. Just thinking about it made me cry again but my husband just held me for awhile and Logan started kicking me - oh how I LOVE that feeling - and then we were both able to fall back asleep.

Today has been an emotional day. VERY emotional. I think that nightmare just put me in an amped up emotional state. I'm really overly worried about my baby shower and feeling like a failure as a mom because we don't have the money to buy everything that I want Logan to have. I just have to pray that he will get the items that we need and go from there. Luckily there is a store an hour away that another BLM told me about (thank you! you know who you are!) called Once Upon A Child that has gently used items that they sell. So I certainly want to go there once both showers are over so that we can get any bigger items at a lower price.

I am a hormonal mess and I truly hope that it goes away after today because I am so sick of crying. I know Logan is fine and deep down I know that I will be a good mother but I just worry. And apparently today worrying makes me cry - a lot - and I am hoping the crying chills out now that my husband is off to work because my cat certainly isn't as much comfort as he is!

I HATE nightmares! I can't stand how 90% of the nightmare makes no sense and yet the horrible part always seems TOTALLY real! Luckily by the time I go to bed my husband should be home not long after in case any other bad nightmares pop into this stupid brain of mine... it would have been far worse had he not been there to calm me down. I love my wonderful, caring husband and we both love our little Logan! So stay put and stay healthy little man... keep on growing! <3

Riley, Peyton, & Cameron,
Mommy and Daddy love you so very much! Keep a close eye on your little brother and watch out for him. We miss you more than words can say and wish you could be with us. Tell Nana thank you for the Christmas gift - I really loved it so much! Give her a hug for me and always remember that we will ALWAYS love you!

Happy New year!!

I deeply apologize to anyone who may have thought something was wrong given I have been rather lazy with my blog posting. Let's chalk that up to baby brain and being very busy with crafts and general laziness in the recliner while watching endless episodes of House (which I LOVE now btw)!!

The holiday season was quite nice. I enjoyed all my new ornaments I received through the exchanges I participated in - if any of you read this blog thank you so much for making them for Riley, Peyton, and Cameron! When we have a bigger place I hope to have a small tree just for my angel at Christmas :) The day after Christmas we got together with my mom's side of the family and Papa gave us gifts that my Nana had already picked out for us before she passed away... it made me break down in tears to see her name on the tag... it was just all too much for my hormonal body to handle. But even through the tears it was lovely to see everyone.

Nate felt Logan kick for the first time on Christmas (I felt it a few days before when he kicked my arm while I was typing lol)! He also now likes to put his ear to my belly and listen to Logan move around :) I told him he has one up on me because I can't even do that ;) Logan has started moving around a lot more the past week - I LOVE IT! My new favorite thing is watching my belly move around when he is extra active.

I got a Lullabelly with money I got for Christmas - I like it quite a bit :) It's cool to listen to music and know that Logan can hear the same thing and feel him move around - it's quite fun!

This is one of my more recent belly photos :) I've become quite round as of late ;) But I must say I love my pregnant belly. I'm doing great with weight gain - only about 13-15 lbs. so far :) I'll be 25 weeks tomorrow!!

My next appointment is January 19th and then I have to take the dreaded glucose test. I have taken the 3 hour test years ago when they thought I might have diabetes... I didn't but I HATED getting it done so I REALLY don't want to fail the test. Luckily I have learned that eating carbs the night before/day of the test can make you fail the test even if you don't have GD so I don't plan to eat any crabs!! I am more prone to it because I am overweight but luckily don't have a family history of diabetes so that is at least good :)

Either way... hope everyone is doing great and again sorry if I worried you with my lack of posting!!

Dear Logan

Dear Logan,

I am constantly amazed at the moments I have gone through and the things people say to me since I have been pregnant with you. I am 22w2d pregnant and that is over 3 months longer than I have ever been pregnant before. I never made it far enough to be "showing" with your siblings and it's amazing the things that people do and say.

First of all SO FAR I have yet to have my belly attacked by random strangers - THANK GOODNESS - because mommy may punch them ;) (but seriously I might!) Luckily I don't leave the house and go around a lot of strangers a lot so I think that has helped stop the belly attack possibilities. So as of now (other than your dad of course) I have only had a friend and your great grandma touch my belly. Both were fine which was reassuring because I didn't want to punch a friend or relative ;) hormones make mommy very protective!

I find it hilarious the things that women will tell you once you are pregnant. For instance the ever popular "you're so beautiful, you're GLOWING!" - I would really like to say "well I think you are just noticing the oil that my growing child is helping to produce all over my face and scalp that has turned me into a shiny piece of garland...not sure why you find that beautiful" however I don't say that. I just say thank you. You will learn sooner or later Logan that you can't usually say exactly what you're thinking. That is until you get older like your great grandma who lets EVERYONE know exactly what she thinks but hey that's part of her charm and is rather hilarious - let's just hope she thinks you're cute! Though I don't see how anyone won't I mean your mommy and daddy are bound to make a cute child, I'm just sayin' ;)

Other things people say to me are that my belly is so "adorable". I find this to be absolutely hilarious because I have never been a small person, pretty much been overweight for the majority of my adult life. I constantly try not to laugh when people say that about my belly because it is the ONLY time when a huge belly is considered "gorgeous, cute, adorable,etc." any other time you're just fat. Gets me every time. Too funny. Maybe it doesn't amuse those that were skinny to begin with but I certainly thinks it's hilarious. I mean hey I'm down with people loving my big belly because you're just going to get bigger which means so is my belly so bring on the compliments about it ;) it's the only time my belly will ever get praise ;)

Also people like to tell your mom some really odd stuff that I am not sure I would ever admit to another human being. Such as telling me I can always pee in a bucket if I don't want to walk to the bathroom 5 times a night, etc. Now I am not one to judge by all means if a pregnant woman would like to pee in a bucket have at but I do find it odd to tell someone they should! LOL My bathroom is literally 3-4 feet down the hallway so I'm fine with using the toilet ;) But it's still an odd thing for one, let alone two people to tell me to do!

I would like to apologize Logan for the loud movie at the theater last night. You were kicking me a lot (which I love) but I hope it wasn't because you were mad at all the noise! Sherlock Holmes creates awfully loud situations in that movie but he is one funny dude. One day we can watch that movie together and I will tell you how you kicked me a ton when mommy and grandma went to see it. I bet you'll think that's funny. I must say that I love to feel you move around in there. It is literally the best feeling in the world. I'm very excited for your daddy to feel you kick me too! He thinks it will be creepy but he will change his tune once it happens :) I just know it! I don't mind at all if some of the kicks later on hurt or make me uncomfortable because knowing you are doing well will be worth the pain. You mean the world to mommy and daddy and we can't wait to meet you.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/79600687/god-gives-us-rainbows8-x-10

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron,
Keep and eye on mommy and your baby brother :) We all love you so very much and miss you greatly. I wish you were here to spend Christmas with us but I know you will have a lovely Christmas with Nana. Spend lots of time with her... it's her favorite time of year and we will all be holding back tears this Christmas because the whole family misses her so much. I'm so glad that you have her to spend time with because I know she would have loved to meet all of you and Logan. She was a wonderful Nana :) We love you so much my angels, send us some snowflake kisses. We miss you.

21w4d pregnant!

So as Christmas draws near I am filled with hope as I feel my little Logan move more and more each day. But at the same time there is this nagging voice in my head that tells me not to get naive again and think that we are out of the woods. I worry but I have faith that all will be well this time around. I pray that I am right. I pray for our little boy every day and night and that my body will not fail this sweet child.

This is the Christmas card that I made to send out to family this year

I felt bad for not including Riley, Peyton, and Cameron on the card but I knew that many people would not understand and I can't emotionally handle judging remarks and/or questions from anyone with all these hormones raging around in my pregnant body. I gave one to my grandma today and she loved it she said Logan was very cute and thought it was amazing that the u/s showed so much detail - she's so sweet. I wish I could show it to my Nana - I wish she was still here, she would have been thrilled to have a second great grandchild. But at the same time I know she is in a much better place and out of all the pain that cancer brought her. It was just SO sudden and she was gone so soon. You can read more about that here is you are interested.

So much has happened since last Christmas. I got surgery to remove the tissue in my uterus. My husband and I went to FL and met his two brothers and sister (who he had NEVER met - they are all in their 30s) and his two aunts (who he hadn't seen since he was ten (he's now 25)! We celebrated our anniversary by going to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. We went camping with my family to the Adirondack Mts. where I fell and injured myself quite badly. Me and my mom left camping to go to my Nana's bedside where she passed early the next morning from a rare form of Leukemia (she was diagnosed with it 2 days before though we knew it could happen someday it was VERY sudden). I got pregnant the next month with twins and took a road trip to visit my husband's sister in VA, then to his one Aunt in SC and to see his Nana and Papa (who he had not seen in 5 years). Lost one twin at 10 weeks pregnant. Found out we were having a little boy! Made it to many milestones in this pregnancy now I have been pregnant over twice as long as ever! It's amazing how much can happen in a year....

This year I have far more hope in my heart than I did last Christmas. I pray this hope is not naive. I pray you all have comfort and peace this holiday season. I will be mourning my three angels and my Nana as we celebrate. <3

Riley, Peyton, and Cameron,
Hold each other tight this Christmas and always remember mommy and daddy love you. Please hug Nana for me and tell her the whole family misses her dearly. Hugs and kisses to you my sweet angels!

Giveaway Winners!!!

The FOUR giveaway winners are as follows:

BRIANNA

Winner of the present ornament is: Brianna

How do we remember our angels at Christmas? We have stockings hung on the mantle for each of them. On our Christmas lists we ask people to make donations in their names. When we get back in the mood to put up a Christmas tree, we already have ornaments engraved with their names and dates. This will be the third Christmas without Oscar & Bella, and the 2nd without Tittle. We haven't consciously done this, but I think it's going to become a tradition--each year we're going to choose an organization and donate an amount similar to what we would have spent on presents for them. This year, it was Toys for Tots and our local hospital. If I were to win any of the giveaways, I would most like the Sparkly Present, Snowman or Stocking ornaments.

By Brianna on My giveaway!!! Only open for a little over about 3... on 12/8/11

KARA

Winner of the stocking ornament: Kara  (#1)

I like the stocking and the snowman ornaments!

By Ausmerican Housewife on My giveaway!!! Only open for a little over about 3... on 12/7/11

TRENNIA

Winner of the snowman is: Trennia (#13)

these are all beautiful giveaways! congrats on your baby :)

By Trennia on My giveaway!!! Only open for a little over about 3... on 12/8/11

KNOTTED FINGERS

The winner of the necklace and santa ornament is: Knotted Fingers

I'm Melissa. I've been to your blog quite a bit and follow it though. I've got a wee angel Calypso. I would like to be entered to win any of the prizes

By KnottedFingers on My giveaway!!! Only open for a little over about 3... on 12/8/11

SO for all my winners PLEASE email me and tell me what you won, how you would like your winnings to be personalized: i.e. name, date, etc., and the address to mail your item(s) to :)

jess(dot)heartforchrist(at)gmail(dot)com

My giveaway!!! Only open for a little over about 36 hours!!

Hello everyone!! Welcome to my giveaway for the 25 days of giveaways!!

I am starting this early because I like to sleep in and I want to give my overseas readers a chance to see this too! I participated last year and greatly enjoyed it! My giveaway items are small but I hope the winners enjoy them nonetheless. Though small they do take a long time to hand paint! I wanted to do more this year but I am SO overwhelmed this Christmas! There will be FOUR giveaways!

I am giving away 4 personalized ornaments and one of the winners will also receive a necklace with the pregnancy & infant loss ribbon on it! All winners will be chosen using random.org.

The winners will get to choose how they would like to personalize their ornament with their angels name(s)/date(s).... please only enter if you are a baby loss parent!

This can also be personalized - but nothing too long as the ribbon charm is small

Sparkly Present (can be personalized in various areas)

Santa - will be personalized for winner

Stocking - will  be personalized for winner

Snowman - will be personalized for winner

To enter to win one of these prizes please leave a comment telling me how you remember your angel(s) at Christmas. Please also mention which items you would like to win if you randomly win this giveaway. If you want to be entered for all just state "I would like to be entered to win any of the prizes"

Good luck to you all <3

HALFWAY THERE !!! (and upcoming giveaway)

Thrilled to say that today I am 20 weeks pregnant!!! :) 


This is twice as long as I have ever been pregnant and our little boy is doing GREAT! We had our official anatomy scan/ check for birth defects on Friday and everything is great :) He is measuring ahead by about 5 to 6 days and weighs more than average too (which I expect as both me and my hubby were big babies).

I had no idea I was nervous beforehand but my blood pressure showed I was because when they rechecked it after the scan it went way down. Guess I worry even when I think I don't! Little Logan has become quite the little fluttering breakdancer lately :) I LOVE feeling him move! Can't wait till I can feel kicks and my husband can feel him move when he touches my belly!

 I have also received some really cute clothes lately :) Here are a few pictures :)

I have other shoes and stuff too - can I just say baby shoes are the CUTEST!

This is a cute picture of my cat Gabby! She still tries to lay with me but to her dismay when I lay on the couch there is no longer room next to my belly LOL so the other day she was practically laying in front of my face the little stinker!! Can't wait till she can be near my belly when Logan kicks - that'll flip her out LOL! The other day I was watching Parenthood and a baby cried on the show and Gabby was laying with me and her shot up and her ears went crazy LOL it was TOO funny - she reacts the same when she hears a dog lol! I said oh Gabby you are in for a wide awakening ;)

Keep your eyes peeled cause I am having a giveaway on Thursday!! You will find it on here of course and it will be mentioned HERE too :)