Music sometimes really hits home...

Music means a lot to me... please check out these songs that have really meant a lot through my grief journey

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This song below is by Flyleaf it is called Again. I heard this song before I had my first miscarriage but I went to see them in concert just days after finding out Riley had no heartbeat. I was still carrying her... full of pain and sadness when I heard this song in concert and I cried.... amidst the jumping happy fans I was sad but oh how I love this group. They have such hearts for God and their music is so touching especially their CD Memento Mori that this song is on. Included some of the lyrics below the CD

Again by Flyleaf
(some of the lyrics are below)

I love the way that your heart breaks
with every injustice and deadly fate
Praying it all be new
and living like it all depends on you

I love that you’re never satisfied
with face value wisdom and happy lies
you take what they say and go back and cry
you’re so close to me that you nearly died

they don’t have to understand you
be strong
wait and know I understand you
be strong

Here you are down on your knees
trying to find air to breathe
right where I want you to be again
i love you please see and believe again

Here you are down on your knees again
trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
See and believe!

This song I heard in between my two miscarriages. My husband bought me the CD and I had no idea there was a song on it that would effect me so much. The lyrics play in the video so I won't type any out this time....This song helps me remember God is always with me....





This group just has a style I really love they are Porcupine Tree - the song says it all TIME FLIES. Some lyrics that really hit me are below the video.

Time Flies by Porcupine Tree
(some of the lyrics are below)

Into a suburb of heaven
Yeah, it should've been forever
It all seems to make so much sense

But after a while
You realize time flies
And the best thing that you can do
Is take whatever comes to you
'Cause time flies

She said luck is all you make it
You just reach out and take it
Now let's dance a while...


I could tell you what I'm thinking
While we sit here drinking
But I'm not sure where to start....

"What the heart has once known it shall never forget"

WHAT THE HEART HAS ONCE KNOWN IT SHALL NEVER FORGET.

That really just says it all ya know? Those who have never experienced the loss of a child may not "get" that but it's true. No matter how early the loss or the reason for the loss or anything - the children I LOVED with all of my heart are not here with me on this green Earth! They are not here. I do not get the complete joy of holding them in my arms, watching them take their first steps, feeling their weight against my chest. This grief is mine to carry. BLMs get it they know what it's like. We all deal with our grief in our ways. Many have blogs like me, we are all wonderful people that something tragic happened too. 

I may not greatly enjoy seeing baby pictures on facebook or pregnant women in public but that doesn't mean I would ever wish this pain on any person in the world. I would never want someone to go through this ache. No one deserves it. But I am part of this land of the lost now. I will never feel complete because.... I'm not. It's as simple as that. My two children are in Heaven. Pieces of my heart went with them. I will not be whole until the day we are all in Heaven together. 

If you are not part of this sad club then you can't fully understand the emotions BLMs go through. It's impossible for you to begin to understand.  I know because before I lost Riley and Peyton I had a friend who lost her baby. I had no clue how to handle the situation. I said my "I'm sorry" offered a hug and what not and then join the crowd and basically don't mention it again. I feel bad looking back because not mentioning the grief elephant in the room doesn't make it go away and it sure doesn't make it better. But as a society we are not told how to handle such things. We are not told how to handle dead babies. The term dead being in the same sentence with the word babies is honestly probably severely upsetting to people in general. I sure don't like it but it's the way it is. BLMs often refer to us being in DBL (Dead Baby Land). It sounds harsh to people who aren't in DBL but it is not meant to be that way. It's just a fact of our lives. It's not meant to be offensive. 

I am always bothered when I tell a friend that I have a blog and met many wonderful BLMs through it, etc. More often than not I am then told by the friend "Maybe you shouldn't think about your miscarriages so much" and "This is probably just making it worse" and "You should just try to not think about it, you'll have a baby I just know it".... These miscarriages were my CHILDREN so I can't not think about that! I fell in love with Riley & Peyton the moment I knew I was pregnant so please do not patronize me and tell me to try not to think about them. If I had lost a child that had been living for years no one would say "try not to think about it" and knowing that I can try to have more children does not lessen the loss. Please realize that if you have not experienced a loss you have no idea what it's like. Don't IGNORE that someone you know has lost a child. Don't patronize them with "time will heal" and "try not to think about it" and "be happy they are in Heaven" because NONE of these words make anything better. Offer an ear, a hug, a shoulder to cry on but don't try to make us feel better. We will get used to grief's unwanted presence in our lives in our own time. 

Writing about my loss and talking about it with others does not mean I am allowing grief to rule my life. Quite the contrary I am letting my emotions out and living through this pain as transparently as one can in this day and age. I am living through this and I am carrying on. I may write on this blog for the rest of my life. And you know what - good for me! I have said before that Riley & Peyton never walked this Earth. They never lived here with me so they will live through my words, actions, and love. They will live through me because they are a part of me, as I am a part of them.  

I saw the quote I started this page out with on a youtube video for a woman named Leslie Evans. She had a complication with a pregnancy. She was having twins but the babies did not make it and sadly due to complications she also died. I read a blog her family started awhile ago. They also started a facebook page for her. She as 28 and recently married. I can't imagine what her family has gone through, what her husband has gone through. He lost his wife and his children all in a very short time.  My heart breaks for them. The blog they started for her is HERE. This is a video I watched before posting this. 

 

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." - Revelation 21:4

Riley & Peyton mommy loves you so much. I'm sure that Leslie is up there with her beautiful twins and you are all blissfully happy every day. This makes me smile. I want nothing but smiles and love for you my babies. I will always always always wish you were with me but one day I will be complete and we will be a family in Heaven. Hug each other tight for me until I get there.

Lily Allen - The Fear

"I don't know what's right & what's real anymore. And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore. And when do you think it will all become clear? 'Cuz I'm being taken over by the Fear"





My heart goes out to her.... to go through this under media scrutiny has got to be horrendous :*(

Lecrae-Background Ft. C-Lite Video

A great video with a great message!

Life is full of costumes....

Halloween..... I don't really do much for Halloween I'm not one of those die hard adults totally in love with the holiday. I never really was a huge fan. I mean sure I dressed up some when I was a kid and even a bit when I was in college for parties but was never something I was fully engaged and massively excited about or anything.

Pumpkin I carved of Wario (with the face I used a stencil)

This year all I wanted to do around Halloween was go do Haunted Houses. I won tickets a couple years ago and we went to them and they were so fun. I have to admit I like to be scared - love me a good horror movie (mind you not gory gross horror movie but creepy one like Halloween or Paranormal Activity). So we went on Saturday and it was a lot of fun. It amuses me how fear has no prejudice - small people tall people heavy people or skinny there were plenty of people there that were scared. It was quite amusing. They made me jump a few times - awesome sets and awesome costumes. It was a good time. Then we went and had some dinner. And even with eating out (Outback has a lovely feature on their site that tells you the nutritional info for all their meals so I knew how many points I was eating!!) I lost 2 lbs. this week :) I have now lost 6.8 lbs. in three weeks I am pretty darn proud of myself :)

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I found out on Friday that my doctor was NOT going to be able to do my HSG (dye test on my uterus) this month because all appointments were taken. This made me very mad at first until I spoke to my doctor today and he told me all the medicine he is putting me on I wouldn't be able to take until my next cycle anyways. SO tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get the prescriptions for the medicines so that when my next cycle comes in a month I can start the medicine and get the HSG done and then I'll be good to go. So given I realized that this month was going to be a no go for TTC anyways I figure I'm not losing out on any chances like I first thought I was. Thank goodness for small blessings. That calmed me down.

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Halloween has me thinking how life is full of costumes.... masks that we all wear. There are those that never wish to show their feelings. Constantly wearing their creepy Joker masks with their over exaggerated smiles that never seem quite right. Others that have masks that change as the day goes on or as situations arise. Maybe happy, maybe sad, angry, or whatever may arise. I would rather someone have a changing mask - rather have a bit of honesty in the world of emotion. I'm sick of feeling like having emotion and crying or being angry means that I am weird. I have a right to be sad - I'm not in ANY way letting grief run my life! However, give a girl a break! If I have moments that are hard for me - or if any BLMs have moments that are hard - please do not patronize us with comments like "time heals all wounds" or "everything will be okay" because you know what to all you "JOKERS" out there - time will NOT heal this - this is a pain that will never go away. We will get used to grief's presence in our lives but it will not magically heal. And nothing is OKAY about losing your children. NOTHING IS OK ABOUT THAT.... sure I survived - but that does NOT make it okay. I find it sort of cryptic and odd that people think that these comments will cure any sadness. If anything they may turn sadness to anger but that is neither here nor there....sure doesn't help....

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Sometimes when I am alone in the living room typing or turning the lights off to go to bed I feel as though I am not alone. Not in like a creepy sort of way. In a way that this small amount of peace is present in the room. I like to think that peace is my babies saying it's okay momma don't worry about us...have sweet dreams - we love you. It may just be the holy spirit. God's way of chilling me out sometimes before I go to sleep. giving me some peace. But I it makes me smile to think it's my babies...and I am okay with believing that. Speaking of my sweet Riley and Peyton - I have added their angel plaques to the wall with our wedding photos on it (in our living room) - our family wall.....

In conclusion I am satisfied to wear my many masks. To keep my honest emotions. I am satisfied to live my life through my grief journey bearing my pain as it comes. I have no need to wear a joker mask. Sure I may sometimes answer "good" when someone asks me how I am but I refuse to walk through life with a forced smile. That is not and has not ever been who I am. I hid my emotions through some very hard times in my past and it did nothing but make things worse. I also am trying VERY hard to not "feel bad" when I tell someone what happens and they are shocked. When they seem hurt or mad at themselves for asking, etc. I am learning that this is not my fault - someone asks I explain - I do it in a kind way I don't blurt out "I have two dead babies" or anything that horrible. But I explain my miscarriages. My babies deserve to have their story told. They are as real to me as anything else in my life. Their lives on Earth consist only of my words as their souls left this Earth far too soon. I recently ordered a butterfly baby necklace from MidnightOrange on Etsy (she also made the sculpture in my left hand column) I saw pictures today and I am looking forward to getting it. I told my husband today that it is sad to have to buy a beautiful necklace because you have two dead babies. there's nothing good about that...but nontheless I am glad that I will have the necklace. I just saw the other "feeling blue" one on her site thought I would post that picture too....

My butterfly baby necklace <3 Riley & Peyton <3

Her necklace titled "Feeling blue"

Goodnight Riley & Peyton. Thank you for helping me meet these other women who share this experience of grief with me. Thank you for giving me perspective and for making me realize how fragile life is and how much we should cherish those that we have with us on Earth. I love you both so much. Be good to each other. Take care of each other. I miss you more than my words could ever express...there are not enough tears for the pain that losing you both has brought me...but I am glad you are happy in Heaven. Glad that you have each other. Happy that I know one day I will be with you. Nothing will compare to that day. We will be a complete family. I think of you every day....thank you for your small moments of peace in the quietness... Mommy and daddy love you so much!

Day 29 & 30

Day 29 - Dreams for the next 365 days....

Dreams for the next year:

* Getting a teaching job next school year
* Getting full time subbing (a job every day) - I need this to happen in the next month or two because my unemployment could be gone!)
* Have a baby or at the least get pregnant
* My husband to finish school
* My husband getting a better job
* All in all many of the above deal with dreaming our financial situation will improve!
* Win the lottery (lol - I barely ever play so that's not much possible)
* Have the dream of buying a house become a bit more realistic
* Continue to lose weight - so far in 2 weeks I have lost almost 5 pounds!

Day 30 - Dreams for the future...

* Having children - as many as God will grant me before I get too old
* Having a full time art teaching position
* My husband doing a job he went to school for (computers)
* Owning a house near my family in the country
* Someday I dream of traveling - I would love to go to Italy, Paris, Australia, New Zealand, London, California, to see the Grand Canyon.... and so much more. If I can do any of it that would rock! But the family aspect is the biggest dream!

Mainly I want the american dream - Stable jobs and finances, owning a house, and having a wonderful big family to take care of..... is that too much to ask LOL ;)

I would post more but I am off to haunted houses and dinner with my husband. I have some pictures to post maybe tomorrow. I've been painting away so I have not had a chance to put any up :)

Cheers & Jeers #1

Ok so I have always loved to read the Cheers & Jeers section of TV magazine and other magazine so time for Jessica's Cheers and Jeers for the past week.... hopefully this will become a new thing because it took me awhile to make that nifty Cheers and Jeers picture ;)

CHEERS for the movie "Rabbit Hole" it seems as though this is a BLM movie worth watching - especially since it could help make non BLMs understand a bit more...

JEERS to Marie Claire for posting the article entitled: Should fatties get a room?  This article is full of hatred and bullying towards fat people and this girl's apology afterwards is downright ridiculous!

CHEERS to Glee a fun and fabulous Rocky Horror Picture Show episode! (side note: When Sue Sylvester mentions "fatties" we can all realize she is supposed to be a total jerk so we can laugh because she's great at being a jerk!)

JEERS to all the stupid networks having repeats on next week!

CHEERS to the ABC network for some great Halloween episodes. Modern Family, The Middle, and Cougar Town were some great Halloween fun for the whole family... we need more family sitcoms on TV!

JEERS to people that tell BLMs to not think about their babies so often...maybe then they will feel better! Don't try to "help" us (if that's what you think you are doing) when you have no idea what we are going through!




I hope that you enjoyed my first Cheers & Jeers :)

Day 28 - what's in your purse

A whole lot of receipts I should probably throw out. And then a bunch of boring crap. LOL - sorry I have no interest in listing all of it....